3. Rafe
The shrill pinball machine sounds of my alarm pierced the still morning air. I groaned and fumbled around to find the button to silence the offensive sound.
When I opened one eye, I saw the time—5:30 a.m. I didn"t have time to drift back to the world of sleep. Rubbing my eyes, I chased the remnants of slumber from my face.
Theo"s mindfulness workshop would begin in an hour. For the first time, I questioned why I agreed to be there.
After I padded to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my reflection stared back at me. I recognized the skeptical expression.
"Mindfulness, huh?" I splashed cold water on my face. "Whatever that means." Sitting and focusing on my breathing for an hour sounded as exciting as watching paint dry, and I couldn"t believe I got up early for it. Maybe I was slightly nervous about such an unfamiliar activity, too.
After rummaging through my closet, I pulled out a blue plaid button-down shirt and comfortable jeans. While I brushed my unruly hair, I thought about Theo, the local artist who suddenly appeared in my life a few days back. He had my full attention and even nudged me slightly in the direction of relationship curiosity.
It was a brisk, cool morning walk to the Community Center. I saw Theo leaning against the building"s brick wall as I approached. His lanky body was dressed in a burgundy Henley and dark jeans. The lopsided grin that appeared when he saw me made my heart race.
"Rafe, so glad you made it!" He pushed off the wall and offered a warm hug. "Thank you for coming."
I held on tight for a moment, enjoying how his muscular body fit against mine. "So, I figured I"ve got nothing to lose." I shrugged, trying to calm my nerves. "You need to know I"m not a "sit and meditate" type."
Theo chuckled. "No worries. It"s not all about sitting still. This isn"t Zen. Mindfulness gives you something specific to focus on and is about learning to be present and aware in the moment, however that works for you."
He"d done an admirable job of trying to convince me, but I remained skeptical. "And if I fall asleep during the body scan thing? Or worse, what if my stomach growls when everyone is quiet?"
Theo placed his hand on my shoulder. "Relax. Sometimes, things like that happen. No one will judge you. We"re all here to learn and grow together. It"s not a competition."
He was so sincere that I had to pause and think through his words. I took a deep breath, and my body"s tension eased. "Okay, I"m here, and I"ll give it a shot, but if I snore, what happened at the mindfulness workshop stays at the mindfulness workshop."
Theo gestured to imitate zipping his lips, and his eyes twinkled. "Your secrets are safe with me. Come on, it"s time to head inside. You might be surprised by what we do this morning."
Theo led the way into a sunlit room. I looked around and took note of the eclectic group of fellow participants who waited on cushions and mats.
A silver-haired woman with a beatific smile snared my attention, sitting perfectly still with hands folded neatly in her lap. Beside her, a teenage boy fidgeted, tapping out a rhythm on his knee with his fingers. In one corner, a couple sat, each on their own mat but holding hands to bridge the gap between them.
I found empty floor space near the back and settled onto a comfortable cushion while Theo navigated through the participants to the front of the room. He cleared his throat and grabbed the attention of everyone present.
His voice was soothing from the beginning. "Welcome, everyone. We will begin today with a simple exercise about focusing on the present. I"d like you all to take a banana from the basket as it comes around."
A wicker basket filled with ripe bananas passed from one person to the next. When it reached me, I stared at the five pieces of fruit left, not knowing how to choose. I glanced up at Theo; he merely nodded to encourage me to pick one.
With my banana in hand, I listened to his following words. "I want you to hold the banana in your hands, feel its weight and texture. Look closely and examine it like you"ve never seen a banana before. Notice every detail."
I cradled the fruit in my palms. The smooth yellow skin was cool to the touch. Staring at a banana like it was a key to the universe made me feel a little foolish. I looked around to see similar bemused expressions.
Theo"s smooth voice cut through my thoughts. "Now, I want you to pay particular attention to the shape of the banana and how it curves and then tapers at either end. Run a fingertip along the length and feel how firm it is beneath the skin."
I followed his instructions, watching my index finger follow the banana"s contours. When I looked up to watch Theo"s demonstration, his long, slim fingers stroked the banana with a reverence that bordered on sensual.
My face started to flush. His manner of caressing the peel sent my mind off in unmindful directions.
His voice continued, smooth and warm. "Now, slowly peel back the skin, listening to the sound and inhaling the scent."
As Theo peeled his banana, I couldn"t look away. The way he handled the fruit, pulling down the fleshy peel with his nimble fingers, made my mouth go dry. I swallowed hard and tried to focus on my banana but failed, distracted by Theo"s parted lips as he concentrated.
Around the room, others peeled their bananas. Forcing myself to look away from Theo, I watched the teenage boy boldly take a bite, smiling as he chewed.
Peeling my own banana released a sweet, heady scent that nearly made me swoon. I breathed deeply, centered myself, and worked hard to push away inappropriate thoughts.
Theo"s voice broke into my silent reverie one more time. "Now, take a bite of the banana and let the flavor explode on your tongue. Chew slowly to savor every bite."
I brought the banana to my lips. As I took a bite, the sweet, creamy flavor filled my mouth, momentarily distracting my thoughts from the heat in my cheeks. I chewed slowly, focusing on the texture and how the fruit was soft beneath my teeth.
With the exercise over, I glanced at Theo. He watched over us with a serene smile, looking like a Blue Harbor guru.
When we"d all finished with our bananas, he spoke again. "Next, we"ll do a body scan mediation. The idea here is to make you aware of all the sensations your body produces and encourage relaxation."
I rearranged my legs on my cushion, finding a comfortable position. The teenage boy had given up on sitting and now sprawled on his back with his eyes closed. In contrast, the silver-haired woman sat with her back perfectly straight, hands resting calmly on her knees.
Theo walked to the back of the room and closed the blinds, dimming the light around us. "Close your eyes and breathe deep. Focus on how the air fills your lungs, letting it take up every available bit of space, and then slowly exhale, letting any tension leave your body along with the air."
I followed his instructions. My surroundings seemed to blur and fade, leaving only Theo"s voice and my steady breathing.
"Now, slowly move your attention down over your body to the tips of your toes." The words came out like a gentle caress gliding over my skin. "Feel how they connect with the floor, your socks, or the mat beneath you. Wiggle those toes if you need help concentrating on them, and then relax."
Theo"s voice guided us upward and stopped us at each body part along the way. As the meditation continued, I sank into a deeper state of relaxation than I"d experienced in years.
Sighing softly, I let all my worries fade. The constant chatter in my head ceased, replaced by profoundly peaceful sensations.
When Theo reached our torsos, arms, and then our heads, I started to doze, hovering on the edge of sleep. His words were like a lullaby.
"Rafe," Theo"s voice cut through the haze, and I thought I heard the slightest chuckle. "Stay with us."
My eyes snapped open, and my cheeks burned with embarrassment. When I looked around the room, I saw others in similar states, heads rolling to one side with mouths open.
It didn"t faze Theo. He"d probably seen it all. "Don"t worry. Feeling so relaxed you fall asleep is normal. Most of us only unwind and destress to this point when we"re going to bed. Just breathe deeply and pull your focus back to the present moment."
When the body scan ended, a profound blanket of calm had settled over me. I felt quietly content.
The next exercise was more interactive, and I knew it would help keep me awake. Theo"s voice remained soft and gentle. "Now, we"re going to practice what I call mindful listening. We will go around the room, and I want each of you to share something that"s been causing you stress and something you"re looking forward to in the near future."
I combed through the possibilities. Stress had been a constant companion since I left Manhattan, following me like my shadow. Most recently, I was concerned that my new neighbors in Blue Harbor might see me as a permanent outsider. It would be easy to say something about that, but what was I looking forward to? I needed to give that more thought.
Theo chose the silver-haired woman to start the exercise. "June, would you like to begin for us?"
She nodded and folded her hands neatly in her lap. "I have been worried about my husband lately. His health isn"t the best, and his struggles are a heavy weight for both of us."
A wave of sympathy for June washed over me. She"d probably been with her husband for decades, and health worries at their age had to be taken seriously. My stress about fitting into the Blue Harbor community felt small by comparison.
"But," June continued as she offered us a small smile. "I"m looking forward to my youngest grandson"s birthday next week. He"s turning eight, and a big family celebration is planned."
"That"s how we do it," Theo smiled. "Focusing on the joy your grandson"s birthday brings can help balance the stress you experience over your husband"s health."
The teenage boy went next. "I"m homeschooled, in case you wonder why I"m here, but I"ve got this test I have to take to make sure I"m doing okay, and I"m worried about that."
I nodded in sympathy. I was always an average kid in school, and my family pressured me to do better. It was heavy sometimes.
The boy"s voice suddenly perked up. "But the end of the school year isn"t far away, and my family"s going on a trip to the beach in North Carolina. I can"t wait for that."
As the rest of the group took turns and shared the good and the bad, I felt closer to all of them. It was comforting to know we all shared tough battles and great hopes for the future.
My palms were sweaty when Theo got to me, but I knew I couldn"t avoid speaking up. "I think my biggest stress is adjusting to living here in Blue Harbor and worrying about whether everybody sees me as part of the community." My voice was unsteady, but I did my best to speak clearly and not rush my words. "It"s been a big change, and sometimes I feel a little lost."
Theo nodded in my direction. His soulful brown eyes looked warm and encouraging.
"I guess what I"m looking forward to is part of the same picture. I can"t wait to know the town better and make new friends."
"That"s a fantastic way to see your future, Rafe." Theo scanned the whole room again. "And I think that concludes this exercise. Thank you, everyone, for your openness and honesty."
After Theo led us through two more activities, the workshop concluded, and I watched as my fellow participants packed up their belongings and headed for the exit. They all looked at least twice as calm as when I first entered.
While I rose to my feet, Theo approached. He rested a hand on my shoulder. "You did great. I watched your energy shift as we went along."
His words were like an instructor telling me I"d passed the class. "Thanks. I admit I was a little skeptical, but now I feel… lighter, I guess, is the best word."
"That"s the power of mindfulness. It helps you put everything in perspective." He turned and shook hands with one of the group as they left, and then he turned back to me. "Hey, I was thinking about a walk to enjoy a little more calm and clarity before throwing myself into the rest of my day. There"s a beautiful neighborhood on Maple Street a couple of blocks away. It"s full of incredible Victorian houses. You want to join me?" The invitation surprised me, but I still had time before I needed to be at the Little Blue Bean for work. The offer was too tempting to refuse. "That sounds great."
The sun was shining bright as we left the Community Center. It was a little chilly, but the late spring air was invigorating after spending an hour in a slightly stuffy room. Since my arrival, I"d only driven down Maple Street and its brick paving once. As we turned the corner on foot, the Victorian elegance took my breath away.
Theo tucked his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he walked beside me. His eyes were far away, and he appeared lost in thought.
Suddenly, he spoke. "I"ve always loved this neighborhood. It"s like entering another era when craftsmanship and beauty were the highest values."
"These houses are stunning. This is only my second time seeing them. This will not be the last time I walk this way.
Theo"s lips curled into a gentle smile. "Old houses speak to me somehow. They always sound hesitant, though, like they"re holding back on the stories they could tell and the drama they"ve witnessed."
"I guess we all have stories we keep to ourselves."
Theo stopped and turned to look at me. "Tell me more."
I was suddenly on the spot, but something about Theo"s gaze helped me relax. "It"s just… I"m not sure any of us are an entirely open book. There are the little things, like cutting myself shaving three days ago or the stain on my hardwood floor that I cover with a throw rug. I do my best to keep those to myself."
Theo chuckled softly. "You"re right." He reached out to touch my forearm. "I know you said you came to Blue Harbor for a change of scenery. Is there more to it than that? Were you escaping something as much as looking for something new?"
It was a big question. Initially, I nearly panicked and tried to think of ways to redirect the conversation, but then I looked into Theo"s eyes. His steady gaze made me want to confide in him and trust him with my story.
My voice was barely louder than a whisper. "I was in a bad relationship just two years out of college. I mean, an abusive one, both emotionally and physically." I shuddered. It was the first time I"d shared the entire story with someone other than my sister. To everybody else, my ex and I merely broke up.
My hands started to shake, and I clenched them into fists to steady myself. "At first, I thought I could fix it, that if I just loved him enough, he would change. But it only got worse. Each day, I felt like I was drowning, the oxygen supply dwindling."
The memories crashed over me in a tidal wave. It all rushed at me—the insults, manipulation, and bruises that I had to hide with long sleeves in the summer. I felt the ghost of each blow and the echo of each cruel word. Unshed tears burned at the corners of my eyes as I raked trembling fingers through my hair.
"One night, he went too far," I continued, my voice cracking. "He left a mark I couldn"t hide, and something inside me snapped. I realized if I didn"t leave, he might kill me. So I waited until he passed out drunk, packed a bag, and ran. I was terrified he would find me and drag me back. But I knew I had to go, or I wouldn"t survive. We"d only been together for eighteen months but it felt like decades."
Theo gripped my arm firmly. His eyes looked glassy with barely restrained tears. "That"s awful. I didn"t have a clue. It sounds like you lived through hell."
I looked down with a lump in my throat, choking me. "It was. So many days, I woke up thinking I"d never escape, and I started to wonder whether I… I deserved it."
Theo moved his hand to my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. "No one deserves a relationship like that." His eyes began to blaze. "No one does. You were so courageous to leave and seek help. It takes an incredible amount of strength to do that."
A single tear slid down my cheek and over Theo"s fingers. "At first, I didn"t feel brave at all. Instead, I felt broken, crushed into a million pieces. When I left, I took a one-way bus to Schenectady, where I grew up. My sister and her husband took me in. They helped me put myself back together."
I inhaled—a deep, ragged breath. "And then I came to Blue Harbor and found you." I managed a weak smile. "You"ve helped me feel like I can breathe without my ribcage squeezing so tightly."
Theo spontaneously reached out to hug me. "I"m so glad you"re here, Rafe."
A rush of gratitude swept over me. I held on, pressing our bodies together. "Thank you… for listening and being you."
"Anytime," he said softly. "I"m here for you whenever you need me."
As we parted, a profound sense of relief washed over me. Sharing my story with Theo was the catharsis I needed, like lancing a festering wound. For so long, I"d carried the weight of my story alone, afraid to let anybody but my sister, Lainey, see my broken parts.
Theo was different. He saw me, and he understood.