2. Theo

My brush moved across the canvas, sometimes gliding and other times flicking back-and-forth in short strokes. After a short time, I"d built up intense shades of blue and green. As the color deepened, it represented my rebellion against the weight of my ever-present grief.

Lakeview Park, my sanctuary.Boats bounced gently in the marina while gentle waves lapped against the docks. The air smelled crisp and clean, a hint of pine from the nearby forest in the air.

I put the brush down. Focus, Theo. Breathe. The rich, green grass was soft under my feet and a cool, late spring breeze caressed my bare forearms. In the open space, immersed in nature, I could almost forget… almost forget the pain.

Thinking back to meeting Rafe, our collision at the grocery was like a splash of bracing cold water on a gray, lifeless existence. He woke something long dormant inside me. His dark hair fell just so into his eyes, and that easy smile was hard to get out of my mind. The time spent with him was enough to show me my heart was still alive. Maybe I still had room in my battered heart for something new.

I blended colors on the canvas in an effort to capture sunlight dancing on the water. Painting had become my way of speaking when words failed to adequately what was happening inside me. Every time I neared the completion of a new work, tiny cracks appeared in the walls that grief constructed around my heart.

"Hey, Theo!" I looked up at the sound of a familiar voice. It was Lila, an old friend and fellow artist. Her auburn hair and round cheeks shone in the sunlight as she walked up to me.

"Lila, hey, how"s it going with you?" I set my brush down and stepped back from the easel.

She rubbed her chin as she inspected my canvas. "That"s gorgeous. Dawson would have loved it."

"Yeah, he would have," I muttered through raw pain. God, I miss him.

"Oh, damn, I"m sorry. That was rather thoughtless of me."

"It"s okay." I swallowed hard trying to get past the lump in my throat. "Dawson"s always here with me and not far from my conscious thoughts."

Lila"s voice was soft and gentle. "Just over two years."

"Feels like a lifetime."

She stepped closer. "It"s great to see you painting again. Nothing against the charcoal and the sketchpad, but you have a way with colors."

"Thanks." I glanced back at my canvas. "This does help, and I met someone new just yesterday. Nothing serious there, but you know, I felt something. That hasn"t happened for… well—"

"Oh?" Lila"s eyes suddenly sparkled. "That"s exciting. Tell me more."

"His name"s Rafe." I liked how the word rolled off my tongue with a sharp, but playful edge. "We only met briefly, but there was something… hard to explain."

A warm smile spread across Lila"s face. "That"s great. You"re coming back to life. It"s a start."

"Yeah, I guess it might be."

Lila sat on the grass, and I joined her. She pulled her knees up toward her chest and looked out at the lake.

I stretched one leg out flat while I rested my head on the other knee. "You always know how to find me, Lila. We might not see each other for six months and then you"ll come along like you have some sort of homing device."

Lila chuckled, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "You"re not that unpredictable. Lakeview Park has always been one of your places back to high school or even before."

I nodded. "It"s both peaceful and beautiful here, and most of the tourists stay off the grass. I can think when I"m here."

After a few moments of silence, Lila spoke again. "I"ve been through my own rough patch recently. That"s one of the main reasons I came looking for you—yep, I was looking for you."

I turned my head. "I"m so sorry. I had no idea."

She sighed. "My grandmother died. I know, Grandma gets old, and she passes away. It happens to everybody, but she was my muse, Theo. For the past three months I"ve barely been able to paint at all. It"s like all the color"s gone from my world."

I reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Damn, sorry. I had no idea. You should have… wait, I hate to tell people what to do."

"It"s okay. We"re all given hard stuff to handle, and I can feel things changing a little every day. That"s why I wanted to find you. The loss of Dawson was a huge thing, and now, look at you. You"re working again."

I swallowed hard. "I guess I am, but it"s so hard to even get up some mornings." I dropped my voice to barely above a whisper. "Sometimes, I feel like I"m drowning in a frozen pond, and I can"t find the hole to get to the surface."

Lila tugged at a few blades of grass. "I know that feeling, but you"re stronger than you think. What you went through would have crushed so many people, and they wouldn"t be able to come back. You"re fighting back, Theo."

I watched as Lila rolled the blades into a green ball. "Sometimes it feels like I am, but then it all roars back. It"s like endless waves."

"Definitely, but they aren"t as much like stormy seas these days, right? Maybe it"s time to take the wrecking ball to those walls and start living in the world again. Dawson would want you to live a happy life."

I groaned. "I miss him so much, every fucking day."

"There"s no reason you can"t continue to grieve and start living again. Find new things that make you happy… like… what was his name again?"

"Rafe. Meeting him made me smile."

Lila patted my shoulder gently. "And don"t push yourself into anything you"re not ready for. Take it one step at a time. Let yourself feel, and reach out and touch… his hands, shoulders. It"s amazing what the feel of another human body can do for you."

A warm sensation spread through me. Lila was right. There was no reason to stand in the way of letting things unfold with Rafe. "Thanks, for everything. You know how to ground me."

"Anytime." Her smile lit up her face. "I"ve always known I could count on you, too. If you need it, I"m always just a phone call away."

We stood, and I hugged Lila tightly before she walked away. When she disappeared around a corner on Main Street, I returned to my painting. The colors danced on the canvas, and I smiled. My light touch that everyone always praised was coming back.

When the sun began to dip toward the horizon, I packed up my supplies and folded the easel to carry everything back to my house. The walk wasn"t far, but it gave me just enough time to think about the day including seeing Lila again and letting my connection with Rafe roll around in my head.

My home stood on the hillside that rose from the Blue Harbor shore, north of downtown. It was an old two-story house with a wraparound porch and a roof that needed work. Dawson and I had elaborate dreams of renovating it together. We planned to update and all the bones and then decorate in a way that stayed true to its historic charm.

Sadly, after his death, I couldn"t bring myself to embark on the project. The multiple, unfinished repairs were a constant poignant reminder of our interrupted plans.

I pushed open the creaky front door and breathed deep the scent of aged wood. The living room was a maze of unfinished canvases and painting supplies strewn around. It told the story of my periodic bursts of creativity. When I completed the project I was painting in the park, it would be only the second painting I"d finished since Dawson"s passing.

Settling on the antique sofa with worn-out springs, I pulled out my phone. A sudden impulse took hold, and I scrolled through my contacts until I found Rafe"s name. I didn"t know whether it was the right thing to do, but I pressed the button to call.

I listened to two rings before he picked up. "Hey, Theo, this is a surprise."

"Hi." I swallowed hard to try and steady my voice. "I hope your day has gone well."

"Nothing to complain about. I worked a full day at the coffee shop, and I was starting to kick back for the evening."

"Good, good." I took a deep breath. "I wanted to invite you to a mindfulness workshop I lead every week at the Community Center. It"s tomorrow morning at six-thirty, and I thought you might like it… if that"s not too early."

"Mindfulness, huh? I"ve never been to one before."

"We do guided meditation, breathing exercises, and spend time focusing on the present moment. I"ve had some great mentors, and it"s been incredibly helpful for me in dealing with stress and showing me pathways toward inner peace. I thought it might be something you"d enjoy, too. Moving to Blue Harbor is a big change, and I"m sure it"s produced a bit of stress. The workshop can be a great way to center yourself and start the day on a positive note. You in?"

Rafe paused, and I worried he would turn me down. "Yeah, I"m in. Did you say 6:30? That means I can go before work. I don"t start at the shop until 9:00 tomorrow. Text me the address for the Community Center."

I beamed. "I"ll meet you outside if you"d like."

"Perfect. Thanks for the invite, and can"t wait to see you."

Just before I could end the call and say goodbye, Rafe spoke again. "I"m really happy we met. There"s something about you that feels… different, in a good way."

"Same here. Long time since I"ve connected this way."

Rafe"s tone was soft and warm like a favorite old blanket. "If you ever need to talk, about anything, I"m here. I mean that."

"Thanks, just might take you up on that."

The conversation continued, and I realized it was a rare extended talk about topics other than Dawson. I"d missed easy, wide-ranging chats.

"I"ve always found art fascinating. Drawing was something I always wanted to be good at it, but it never worked. When I look at your sketches, it"s like I"m seeing magic on the page."

"You probably never had a quality instructor." I rubbed my chin. "Too many art teachers only focus on the top students in a class, and then they assume the rest have nothing to offer. It"s sad."

"Maybe I"ll give it another try." Rafe"s voice was light as he asked about my work. "What kind of painting do you most like to do?" He chuckled. "Listen to me… like I think I"m asking smart questions when I don"t have a clue. I"m just mega-curious."

I was happy with his questions and didn"t want to discourage any of it. "No, really, a talk like this is great. I do landscapes mostly. There"s something soothing about capturing the beauty of nature. Today I was in Lakeview Park."

"It is beautiful." The shift of topic I dreaded finally came. "Theo, if you don"t mind me asking, how"ve you been coping? I mean, with everything."

I didn"t want to dwell on it, but Rafe had been so open with me so far that I shared what was on my mind. "It"s been hard. I"ll never say otherwise. Losing Dawson… shattered me. For months, I felt broken, like I could look at the pieces on the ground, but I"d lost the manual that told me how to put them back together. To be honest, though, meeting you feels like finding that burning candle in the darkness."

"Ohh… uh wow. Thank you." Rafe was suddenly absolutely silent on the other end. My mind raced at thoughts about what that meant.

When he spoke again, he changed the topic. "So, what should I expect at the workshop? I don"t want to embarrass myself. I"m a klutz when it comes to yoga."

I smiled. My openness didn"t turn him away. "You"ll be fine. Bring yourself, that"s all you need. It"s not yoga. You sit comfortably, and nobody"s there to judge. We"re there to share our spiritual energy."

"Sounds good. I"m a little nervous, but I"m looking forward to it."

"Likewise. Seeing you again will be good."

Another impulsive thought appeared in my head. They"d served me well so far where Rafe was concerned. I decided to throw caution to the wind. "Rafe, care to meet tonight for dessert? I know a great spot down by the lake to watch the stars, and I"ve got a few slices of a cherry pie left."

I heard Rafe audibly exhale. "That sounds amazing. I"d love it."

"Great. Let"s meet in an hour."

"See you then. It"s a date."

That word, date, bounced around inside my head after the call ended. Was it that? Could it be? I shook my head, trying not to get ahead of myself. I"d merely arranged to spend time with a new friend, someone who made me feel alive again.

I busied myself preparing for the impromptu picnic. I carefully packed the pie, plates, forks, and napkins into a small wicker basket. Next, I grabbed a soft, worn blanket from the closet, perfect for spreading out on the grass.

It was a short drive to the marina. When I parked the car and stepped out into the cool night air close to the lake, the sight was breathtaking. All of the clouds had disappeared leaving an explosion of countless stars across the indigo-colored night sky. I felt insignificant and small in the best way.

Rafe arrived seconds after me. His beaming smile lit up the night. I showed him a well-worn path to a viewpoint above a rocky section of shoreline. There, I spread the blanket and dropped the basket in the center.

"Did you bake the pie yourself?"

I dug in with my knife to create two new slices. "I wish I could say that. I visited my grandmother over the weekend, and she sent me home with this."

Rafe held out a plate for his slice. "I did have a reason for asking. During the past year, I started baking for the first time in my life. I"m having a lot of fun with it."

I smiled when I managed to remove both slices without either of them falling apart. "That"s fantastic. Do you have any plans for your baking beyond what you do at home."

"I don"t know. Haven"t gotten that far yet."

We both dug into the pie, and the slightly tart flavor burst in my mouth. "Grandma does magic when she aims to make a fruit pie."

"Indeed." Rafe ate two more bites and then paused. "I haven"t done anything at all like this since college. It"s such a beautiful night, and the stars… can"t see anywhere close to this many in the city."

"I bet. Way too much light pollution there. I love the late desserts like this. Dinner is usually late for me, and Dawson and I loved to do this in the summer. It feels good to be back here at this hour."

The night air grew cooler, it was still only May, and I shivered slightly. Rafe noticed and moved closer.

"Thank you for tonight," I whispered. "I needed this."

"It"s a good thing for me, too. I love it in Blue Harbor, but it can get a little lonely by myself in my apartment."

Acting purely on instinct, I leaned toward Rafe and wrapped him in a hug. He held me close, and I rested my head on his shoulder. It was an unexpected moment, full of unspoken emotion, but something about it felt very right.

"Goodnight, Rafe." I reluctantly pulled away.

"Goodnight, Theo. I"ll see you in the morning."