Chapter 14 Liam

Nico

I am not a happy fucking camper. Allie has apparently been dating again. That in itself would be bad enough, but she's been dating again and hadn't fucking told me. We're best friends, and spend more time together than some married couples I know, and she didn't think to fucking mention it?

I knew she had gone on a couple of random dates back when we had been away on tour. She had told me about them at the time, and it wasn't a big deal. Meeting for a drink, meeting for a quick lunch, nothing hot and heavy. She was lonely, and it was more for companionship. She wasn't anywhere near ready for a relationship at that time. It had been way too soon after Alex passed.

Truthfully, I wasn't completely ready for a relationship back then either, but I'd definitely considered trying with her in the future, which was more than I had ever considered with anyone else. But now...now she was actually dating. Like, going on romantic dinner dates and sending her flowers the next day kind of dating. And she hadn't told me, Tony had.

Tony had just assumed I knew, so he hadn't said anything to me about it until all hell broke loose this morning. Allie had taken Gracie to the dentist for a routine cleaning, so she was out of the office for the morning. Michael had called a quick meeting to have us go over the last of the paperwork from the record label to finalize the release of our album next month. Josh and Tony were already there when Matt and I walked in. As soon as I'd entered their office suite, I saw a huge fucking bouquet of red roses waiting at Allie's desk, with a card from some asshole named Liam.

Yes, I read the card. No, I shouldn't have. Yes, I did it anyway. Liam. Shit, he sounded like a hipster prick who wore slouchy beanies year-round, and dark-rimmed glasses even though his eyesight was fine, just because he liked the look of them.

"I had a fantastic time last night, babe. I hope you got some rest after I left. Talk soon, Liam"

I'd felt my heart stop, then start with a kick as my pulse started to race. Just how fantastic was it, Liam? Did she let you kiss her? Did you touch her? Did she let you fuck her??? She'd better not have let you fuck her, Liam, or it might be the very last thing your little pencil dick ever does. And just for the record, Allie fucking hates roses! If you were good enough for her, you'd fucking know that, you stupid piece of shit.

I can't believe she let him in her house. The pain in my chest was intense, as I wondered what the fuck they'd done that she needed to rest after he left. I can't believe this is happening. Not my Allie.

After I'd kicked a hole in the wall of Michael's private bathroom, for no reason any of them could fathom, a bewildered - not to mention pissed off - Michael had suggested I go for a walk around the block and cool off a little. Tony had followed me out.

"Hey man, slow down," he'd huffed behind me. I had flipped him off over my shoulder and kept on moving.

"Hey!", he'd yelled as he caught up to me, grabbed my arm and whipped me around. I had my arm up, fist clenched, and just stared at him for a long moment before slowly lowering it.

"Calm down, before you end up in the tabloids again. You know those bottom-feeding paps are just jonesing to get a photo of you doing something stupid. And just to make it perfectly clear, taking a swing at me would be really fucking stupid, my friend." Tony was a couple of inches shorter than I was, coming in right around 6'1", but my muscles weren't quite as bulky as his were, so it wasn't an idle threat.

"Sorry, man, I'm just..." I'd trailed off, not knowing exactly what to say. I hadn't told any of them how I felt about Allie, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. If I told them, it would be too easy for it to get back to her. Shit, I guess didn't have to worry about her not being ready for a relationship anymore. I just had to worry that she didn't want that relationship to be with me.

"It's not serious, you know." he had said quietly. At my questioning look, he continued "The thing with Liam, it's not that serious. She's only gone out with him three times."

"And you know this how?" I'd asked icily, as the realization had started to form that he'd already known about Liam, that she had shared this with Tony, and not me. She had chosen to go to Tony over me. So, not only didn't she want a relationship with me, but she also didn't even want to fucking confide in me anymore???

He had looked around uncomfortably, then said in a low voice, "Look, man, let's go back inside. The sidewalk isn't the place for us to have the conversation I think we're gonna have." Fuck. That didn't sound good.

We had walked back inside, and Michael had been waiting impatiently by the door. Before he could say anything, Tony told him we needed to use his office for a bit. Michael had eyed us warily, then agreed, provided Tony didn't let me kick a hole in anything else in there. I wasn't making any fucking promises.

Now, as Tony closed the office door behind us, I made my way over to the window and looked out. I wasn't really focusing on anything. I just didn't think I could look Tony in the eye if he was about to rip my heart out.

"Come on, Nico, have a seat. It's not what you're thinking."

I whirled around to face him. "And just how the fuck do you know what I'm thinking?"

"Dude, you aren't nearly as subtle as you think you are. You've been hot for Allie for years, and it's getting worse. You can't keep your eyes off her, you spend all your time with her, hell, you practically live with her and Gracie. What I can't figure out is why the fuck you've never told her how you feel. It's clearly driving you insane to think she's with somebody else, so why didn't you fucking step up, you dumb prick?" His voice got steadily louder as he spoke, until he was almost yelling the last few words.

I couldn't say anything for a long moment. "She wasn't ready," I whispered, turning back to face the window.

"What?" he asked, coming closer so he could hear me.

I cleared my throat, "She wasn't ready. At least, I thought she wasn't ready. She loved Alex with all her heart. You know how fucked up she was when he died, man. Then we got closer, just as friends, you know? And then I went from thinking she was sweet and pretty and fun to be around, to wanting her so fucking much I can't even look at another woman without picturing Allie. I love her, and I want a life with her, and with Gracie, but I was giving her time, dammit," my voice hoarse with the strain of not screaming.

"I thought she still need time to heal and be ready for something more and I didn't want to fuck up our friendship by pushing too soon. And now -" I stopped, suddenly too choked up to speak, "now there's some fuckwad named Liam who slid right passed me without me knowing a damned thing about him, because she confided in you instead of me."

"Look, Nico," he paused, "she's not serious about this guy. She's dated some other guys over the past few months but - "

I whipped my head around to stare at him, not believing what he just said. "She's what?" I croaked out.

"She's had a few dates, never went out with any of them more than once, never did anything more with them than a kiss goodnight."

My teeth ground as I thought of Allie, my sweet, beautiful Allie, kissing anyone who wasn't me.

Tony proceeded to tell me about her particularly bad date with a motherfucker named Doyle, who had thought she needed to diet . I don't fucking think so, fuckwad. So help me God, if he caused her to lose a single inch of her curves, I was going to track him down and force-feed him his own balls. Her body was the stuff dreams are made of. I should know, she's had a starring role in mine often enough.

So, after that date went south, she had run into Tony the next day at the office and vented to him about it. Then, he took her out for ice cream the next day - smart fucking move on his part, with the ice cream. Showed her she didn't need to worry about a man thinking she's too heavy. She mentioned to him that she'd been on a few dates but hadn't found a spark.

A spark. She was looking for a fucking spark. I've had a raging goddamned inferno going on over here, but she'd been looking for a spark with someone else. Fuck my life.

"I haven't talked to her since her date last night, but I know she's planning to take this slow. She wants to find someone, but she wants to be sure he's the right someone before she gets serious."

He's not the right someone. He can't be because I'm the right fucking someone! My head was spinning, and there was ache in the vicinity of my heart that I wasn't sure would go away.

"So, she's ready, Nico. If you feel as strongly about her as you say you do, she's ready. But I'm telling you right now, if you aren't serious about loving her, and taking Gracie on as your own, I will kick your fucking ass, friend or not - bandmate or not. If you hurt either of them..." he left the threat unspoken, but it was clear he'd already chosen a side.

"You know I wouldn't do that to her, Tony."

"You've been with other women this whole fucking time, man. What am I supposed to think? You claim that you were waiting for her, but you couldn't keep it in your goddamned pants while you waited?"

"It's not like that, asshole. I haven't touched another woman in almost two years," I admitted.

"Don't bullshit me! I've seen you out at the bars, and the tabloids run pictures of you all the time with women hanging all over you," he said accusingly.

"Oh, come on, Tony. You know those pics don't mean shit. Women hang all over us, and then before we can even move, one of their friends whips out a fucking camera phone, or worse, the paparazzi are there to get the shot. Hell, half of those pictures are staged just to get make money by selling them to the highest bidder and you know it," I yelled.

"And as for the bars, yeah, I go out sometimes, but not anywhere near as often as I used to. Just think about it. When was the last time you saw me go home with a woman, or even take her to a dark corner in the back?" I asked.

"I'll tell you exactly when it was. Remember that benefit concert we did at The Live Wire, for the wildfire relief fund? Their booking manager hit on me after the show. She reminded me a little bit of Allie, same blonde hair, same height. Anyway, after a few beers, and then a few shots, I caved. I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't have Allie, so I took her up on her offer. We went back to her place, and I fucked her, and I imagined she was Allie. I closed my eyes and pretended she was the woman I really wanted, and I felt like shit about it, but I did it anyway. That woman didn't deserve to be used like that. Allie sure the fuck didn't deserve to be used like that, even though she had no idea. Then I went home and walked into my house. My brand-fucking-new house that Allie had helped me pick out and had decorated just the way she knew I wanted it, and there I was, reeking of another woman. You have no idea how fucking low I felt in that moment, Tony. You have no idea," I said, my voice so raspy by that point that it hurt. "I haven't made that mistake since. It just wasn't worth it."

Tony eyed me with sympathy, and probably a little pity. "I'm sorry, Nico. I didn't know. I didn't...realize that you'd changed. The problem now is, I don't think Allie noticed either."

"So, she thinks I'm still a manwhore? Thanks, that makes me feel better."

He just shook his head in frustration. "Why wouldn't she? Do you have any idea how much of our shit she's exposed to? We literally pay her to maintain our social media, so she sees every message from every groupie or hookup who tries to contact us the next day. We pay her to monitor our online presence, so she sees every photo or post we're tagged in and every article that mentions us. She has to look at all of the photos of naked women that are sent to us, along with notes explaining in explicit detail how they want us to fuck them. Have you ever read any of that shit? Porn doesn't begin to describe some of it," he said angrily, his mouth twisted with distaste.

"And the icing on that piece of shit cake is that when Allie gets caught in a photo with any of us, it gets posted online and she gets to read all the fucking rude-ass comments from assholes who trash every aspect of her face, her body and her personality, all because they're jealous shits who are pissed that it's her with us, and not them. She sees all this shit, so how is she supposed to believe that you would want to settle down with her?" he asked.

I was quiet for a moment. I knew she had to deal with all that shit, but I ever gave it much fucking thought from her perspective. God, I was such an idiot.

"So even if fucking Liam isn't in the picture, how can I even think about asking her to put up with a lifetime of that shit. And Gracie? She's too young to know now, but in a few years, she'll understand how fucked up this life can be." I got quiet then, not wanting to even think about this anymore.

"You can't make that decision for her, Nico. You need to talk to her. Be straight with her."

"What if I lose her?" I asked.

"What if you don't?" he said. "She's worth it to at least try."