Chapter 13 The Third Date

Present Day...

Allie

I woke to a finger in my ear. Sadly, this was not an altogether unusual occurrence for me, but it was startling, nonetheless. Jolting, I opened one eye to see my angelic-looking offspring standing next to my bed, finger poised above my ear to poke me again. When she noticed I was awake, she covered her mouth to hold in her giggles, then proceeded to pounce on the bed. Since I was lying in said bed, she landed on me in a tangle of knees and elbows that would surely leave bruises. "Ooof! Easy there, Gracie-girl. If you kill me, I won't be able to make your breakfast!" I said with mock sternness.

"I'm sorry, Mommy. I pwomise I'll kiss your boo-boos and you'll be all better and then you can make me a good bweakfast, cuz you're the bestest bweakfast maker ever," she said pitifully, complete with a tiny lip quiver, pouty eyes and all.

Oh, this kid. She was good. Cute as a bug and she knew how to work it. I couldn't imagine where she learned that from. We might have to work on her pronunciation of consonant R-blends, though.

After I shooed my almost four-year old alarm clock off of the bed, I flung back the covers and hopped out of bed ready to face the day. Oh, who the hell was I kidding? I grudgingly tossed the covers off with a groan and slid out of bed. I stumbled, did a funky little hop-step, and fought to dislodge my left foot that had somehow gotten tangled in the sheet. I won that battle and picked up the corner of the sheet that had been dragged off the bed, counting it a win that I was still actually upright at the moment.

I yawned, stretched, and wondered for the thousandth time how I had birthed a child who was a *gasp* morning person!I blamed her father. Alex always woke up in a good mood. I wake up in a mood all right, but it rarely qualifies as good. It was a good thing Nico doesn't often see me when I first get up, or he'd change my nickname for sure. "Sunshine" in the morning, I was not. I was more the why-the-hell-is-it-morning-already kind of woman who stumbled around like a drunken zombie until I had a cup or three of hot tea.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, I grabbed my phone off the charger and turned off the actual wake-up alarm that didn't even have a chance to go off yet. I wandered into the kitchen, hollering for Gracie to turn the TV down, which was currently up loud enough for the neighbors three doors down to hear. I hoped they liked Paw Patrol. She has limited screen time, but I did let her watch morning cartoons while I fix breakfast most days. I filled the tea kettle, and got a mug, tea bags, sugar, and creamer out. This morning's mug said, "I have zero fucks left to give!" Don't judge me - my kid can't read yet. I'll worry about getting G-rated mugs when she masters her ABCs.

I grabbed the kettle as it started to whistle and filled the mug. While the tea was steeping, I got a handful of grapes from the bowl in the refrigerator and peeled an orange. Adding sugar and creamer to my now perfectly steeped tea, I gently blew on it and took my first sip of the day. Ambrosia. Pure ambrosia. Or at least as close as I could get at 6:00 on a Wednesday morning.

"Do you want oatmeal or pancakes this morning?" I asked, wandering into the living room while munching on a grape.

"Waffles," she said, hanging upside down over the arm of the sofa.

I gave her the stink eye and motioned for her to sit upright. "Waffles are not on the menu this morning. This diner is only serving oatmeal or pancakes."

"Donuts," she shouted with glee.

"If we had donuts, I'd be eating them already instead of this fruit. Oatmeal or pancakes?"

"Cereal" is the response I received, as her gaze remained glued to the Paw Patrol action on the TV.

"Oatmeal it is then," I said with a sigh. I was clearly going to need another cup of tea.

An hour and a half later, we pulled into the parking lot of Gracie's preschool. I signed her in and turned away from the desk to give her a hug and kiss. Gracie, however, had spotted her "bestest fwiends" and had rushed off to join them on the story-time rug. Their teacher, Miss Rosa, always started the day with a story to go along with whatever their lesson was about for the day.

"Bye Gracie. I'll see you around 5:00. Love you!" I called over to her. Gracie gave me a half-hearted wave of acknowledgement over her shoulder, as she and her friends huddled their heads together chattering and giggling already.

"Oh, Mommy, I love you too. I'll miss you," I muttered to myself sarcastically. I heard a rumble of laughter behind me, and turned to see Liam, and his son Grayson standing behind me waiting to sign in.

"Sorry," I said with a smile, stepping aside so he could get to the desk.

"It's great to be the center of their world, only to be shoved out into the cold and forgotten about as soon as they see their friends. I think this prepares us for the teen years, when they'll pretend we don't exist all the time," Liam said with a smile of commiseration. Grayson had already run off without a word to join the group on the rug.

Liam's son had started attending this preschool a few months ago, but we had never really spoken until a couple of weeks ago. We had both volunteered as parent chaperones on the preschool's field trip to the zoo and were paired up to watch over a group of six kids, all between three and four years old. Yeah, I don't know what the hell we were thinking. We had bonded over spilled drinks, multiple potty breaks, and a minor freak-out in the reptile house. That the freak-out was mine - I had a phobia about snakes - seemed to charm Liam, and he'd lightly flirted with me for the rest of the day.

He had asked me out for lunch the next day, and we'd had a nice time getting to know each other without the pre-K audience we'd had at the zoo. I'd discovered Liam had been divorced for a year and had primary custody of Grayson as his ex-wife was an ER doctor who worked long hours. He worked as a film editor, so he wasn't star-struck over my job as a few of the men I'd met were. We had traded war stories about some of the outrageously entitled celebrities we'd met, chatted about our kids and being single parents, and had a really wonderful time. He'd given me a brief kiss on the cheek as he walked me out to my car, then asked me out for the following Friday night, when Grayson would be with his mom again.

Our second date had also gone really well. I'd met him at the restaurant again, taking an Uber this time since I knew I'd probably have a glass of wine with dinner. He was easy to talk to, and we had a lot in common. We shared similar tastes in music, books, and TV shows. After dinner, he had offered to drive me home. I was comfortable with him by that point, so I had agreed, appreciating the offer. Hannah and Dean had come over to watch Gracie again, so the lights were on in the house when we had pulled into the drive. We'd spent several minutes kissing in his car before I got out and went inside. It had been so nice to be held and kissed, and just to be close to a man. There was a bit of a spark. Nothing like what I felt when I was anywhere near Nico, but a little spark, nonetheless. I had hoped that maybe, finally, this was what I needed to get over my feelings for my best friend.

After he signed Grayson in and received the same kind of half-hearted wave from his son that I'd gotten from Gracie, we turned toward the exit. He held the door open for me, and we both stopped outside under the wide awning.

"So, I'll pick you up tonight at 7:00. I made 7:30 reservations, and then we have tickets for the 9:30 show. The restaurant is around the corner from the comedy club, so that should give us plenty of time to eat first," Liam said, confirming tonight's date.

"Sounds great, I'm looking forward to it," I said with a smile.

Luckily, it was a routine day in the office for me. I was working on things for a few of the other bands and artists that Michael managed, while he was out meeting with a producer and some executives with one of the record labels. My mind wandered as I worked in the solitude of the office. Truthfully, I was pretty nervous about my date tonight. Hannah had been teasing me yesterday about the "third-date rule" and asking whether or not I was planning to sleep with Liam tonight. I didn't think I was ready for that quite yet, and I hoped he wasn't expecting to go that far. Our mini make-out session in my driveway after our last date was the most intimate contact I'd had with a man since Alex had gotten so ill, outside of my dreams of Nico and that one tequila-induced sleepy ass-grinding he'd given me on his sofa months ago. I was fairly sure those didn't count. God, I was damned pathetic.

After my parents picked up Gracie that evening, I paced anxiously in front of my living room window, watching for Liam to pull up. I'd almost talked myself into canceling that afternoon but knew that wouldn't be very fair on such short notice. So, I'd come home and gotten ready to go out on a third date with a man I felt a little spark with but probably would not have sex with, and tried to quit comparing him to Nico.

The date went well. Dinner was delicious, conversation was flowing, the comedy show after was very funny and then Liam drove me home. As we parked in my driveway, he turned to me, and grasped my hand across the center console of his car.

"I've had a really good time tonight, and I'm not quite ready for it to end yet. Could I come in for a little while?" he asked, squeezing my hand lightly.

"Uh, yes, that...that would be nice," I stammered. Ugh, could I be any more lame?

He smiled at me and came around to open my car door. I unlocked my front door, and he placed a hand on my lower back as he followed me inside. I set my purse down on the entry table and walked over to turn on a lamp in the living room. Turning awkwardly back toward the door, I realized that Liam had followed me into the room. He gently put his hands on my waist and drew me close to him.

"Allie, please relax. I'm not planning on staying long. I just wanted to have a little privacy this time while I kiss you goodnight. If we do a little more than kissing, I'd love that, but I understand if you aren't quite there yet."

I smiled up at him, grateful that he was so understanding. He walked me back a couple of steps, until he could pull me down to sit next to him on the sofa. He wrapped an arm around me and guided my head to rest on his shoulder.

"I don't want to get too personal, but...have you been with anyone since Alex died?" he asked gently. "You've said that you've dated some, but..."

I shifted in his arms a little so I could look up at him. "No, I haven't. For the first year or so, it was all I could do to take care of myself and Gracie. I had to try to figure out who I was, without Alex. I went on a few dates here and there, because I was just so damned lonely, but they were nothing more than company across a dinner table. Then...," I trailed off.

"Then?" he asked, curiously.

I took a deep breath. "Then, I realized I had started developing feelings for someone, but it was very much one-sided. I realized how ridiculous it was about nine months ago, and I've been trying to put him out of my mind and move on since then. I've been dating a little, but nothing serious at all." I chuckled a little, hoping to lighten the mood and shift the subject away from Nico. "I'll have you know, sir, those kisses in my driveway the other night were the most action I've had in years."

Liam grinned wickedly. "Is that so?" he asked, cocking a brow. I nodded. "Well, it seems to me that a gorgeous woman like you deserves a little more 'action' than that."

He brought his hand up to lightly cup my cheek, as he leaned in to kiss me. After a few moments, he slipped his tongue inside, and angled his head to deepen the kiss. There was a spark, a tiny little spark, that I could feel begin to buzz in my veins. He put his arms around me and shifted me onto his lap.

He broke the kiss and nuzzled under my ear as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kept his left arm around my shoulder, and dropped his right arm to my thigh, slowly running it up my hip and coming to rest with his fingers on my stomach under the edge of my silky blouse. He kissed me again, and I moaned softly as I felt his tongue tangle with mine again. He trailed his hand slowly, tentatively, up my stomach to cup my breast, giving me time to pull away if I wanted to. He ran his mouth down along the side of my neck and nudged aside the collar of my shirt so he could lay kisses at the base of my throat and along my collarbone. I could feel the growing bulge under my ass as he shifted a little, and the spark I'd been ever-so-slightly feeling went out.

As he gently squeezed my breast and moved his fingers to slide along the edge of my bra cup, I froze. My body stiffened, as a feeling of complete and utter wrongness hit me. The wave of guilt that immediately followed made me feel like I was drowning in a sea of bad decisions and regret. Oh God, I couldn't do this! What the fuck was I thinking? I felt sick to my stomach as I realized I felt like I was cheating, that I was betraying the man I loved.

Liam removed his hand and shifted me off his lap as he felt the change in me. I was heartsick at what I'd almost done, ashamed of my desperation to feel wanted and needed and desired again. Ashamed that I was using this man, this kind man who had been so gentle with me. I was using him because I couldn't have the man I really wanted. I stared down at my lap, fingers grasped tightly in front of me to keep them from trembling. Liam put a finger under my chin, and gently raised my face to look at him.

"Hey, it's OK. I'm sorry if I moved too fast," he said with concern showing clearly on his face.

I choked out an embarrassed laugh. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry. So sorry. I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready to move on. You're so handsome, and funny, and we get along so well, and I thought I was ready, but..." I trailed off.

"But you're not, are you?" he asked gently.

I shook my head sadly. "No, I guess I'm not. I didn't mean to lead you on, and I'm sorry for -"

"You don't need to apologize, babe." Liam interrupted. "You should never feel like you need to apologize to any man for not being ready to jump into bed. You've been through a lot, and it's perfectly natural for you to have doubts about moving on. Now, come on, walk me to the door, and then you get some sleep."

At the door, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "I would love to see you again, when you are ready to try again, OK?" he asked softly.

I nodded. "Thank you, Liam. You are a very special man, and I wish..." I stopped, unsure of what I even wanted to say.

"It's OK. You get some sleep, and I'll be in touch." He dropped a quick kiss on my cheek before leaving.

I headed up to my bedroom, my mind spinning in all directions. I knew I needed to get some sleep. I would need to get up earlier than normal tomorrow to pick Gracie up at my parents' house, because I had to take her to the dentist before I went into work.

I was still tossing and turning in bed, hours later, trying to unravel the tangle of feelings and emotions that had formed a tight ball of tension in the pit of my stomach. The first hints of the sunrise began to creep into the room, and I picked up my phone to check the time for the ninety-seventh time that night.

As I set the phone back down, my gaze landed on the picture of Alex and I that had been setting on my nightstand for years now. I had a brief realization that I rarely noticed the picture anymore. Not that I had forgotten Alex or stopped loving him. Not at all. A part of me would always love him, and I would always remember the all-too-brief years we'd had together. I had a living, breathing reminder of him every time I looked into our daughter's blue eyes. But I'd stopped noticing his picture beside the bed. I'd stopped staring at it, torturing myself by wondering what could have been. I'd stopped talking to it every night, as I'd done for the first year or so. Slowly, without even being aware of it, I hadn't needed him, - or the memory of him anyway - to get me through each day anymore.

But now, I picked it up, and slowly ran my fingertip along the glass, tracing the curve of his smile. "I'm sorry, Alex. I failed you. You wanted me to open myself up to loving someone again, but I screwed up. I screwed it all up, and now I feel like I cheated. Liam is a wonderful man, but I feel so guilty for what I did. And a little part of me feels even more guilty now, because it wasn't you I felt like I was cheating on. It was Nico."

I held the picture close to my heart for a few minutes and allowed myself a few more tears. Then I carefully tucked the picture into the drawer of the nightstand and forced myself to get up and face the day.