Chapter 45

*Elena*

If he's telling the truth about this, does that mean that he's being honest about everything else? I wasn't anywhere close to forgiving him, but I can't deny the fact that I was happy, elated even, that we were in the same room together after so many years apart, even though we were yelling at each other.

I hadn't really let it set in entirely that he was really here, and it was now sinking in that we were this close to each other again after thinking for so long that this would never happen in this lifetime. I lost count of how many times in the beginning I imagined just this happening. How many times have I wished to wake up from the nightmare and realize that it was all just a dream until time passed by, and I gave up hope and stopped wishing?

I won't deny to myself that I liked having him here, that being this close to him was the most alive I've felt in too long to remember. I won't lie to myself about how it makes me feel, but no way in hell will I let him see or know it.

I've learned how to guard my feelings and keep them hidden from the world, and I doubt that I would ever trust him enough ever again to let myself be that open with him anyway. I'd grown a lot in the time we were apart, had told myself and anyone who would listen that I would never let myself be that vulnerable again, never let anyone make as big a fool of me as he did.

But now my heart is on fire, and my traitorous body that remembers him so well is crying out for his. But there's a part of me that's terrified of falling back into the same old rut. A part of me that dreads having my heart broken again by the only man who has the power to do it. I know myself when it comes to him, know that he's my one weakness, and the problem is, he knows it too.

"Now, do you believe me?"

"About what?"

"Don't play games, Elena. I meant the fact that I never touched her, not after we got married anyway."

"Pfft. What does it matter? Besides, you could've hired this MengeLiNi person to do all this." I didn't believe that for a second, but anything to stall him. If we're fighting, I won't be so quick to give in, right?

"I already explained that about that. And stop calling me a liar."

"Why? You're something worse. You're a damn cheat. Tell me, what kind of love is that, where you cheat every chance you get?"

"I never cheated on you. The only time I was with anyone else was when we were on a break."

"Likely story, but I'm not buying it."

"Suit yourself, but it's the truth. I know what you think that the world thinks, but I never betrayed you, not intentionally anyway. Yes, I was angry as hell when they told me you were with him in Asia, especially since you knew how I felt about him. He was always after you, and we both know it."

"But you knew me, Ryder. You knew I would never do such a thing."

"I know that, but I've always hated that guy for wanting you. Maybe that's why they used him out of all the others they could've chosen to tell their twisted lies. As for getting rid of my kid, they knew how much I wanted one with you, I guess. Not sure how, but they knew it would get under my skin."

"Everything you're saying boils down to you believing them over me. That shows there was no trust between us. Had there been, you'd never have believed them in the first place."

"You know, I've had lots of time to give our situation some thought, and I think I know what the problem was. Why there was so much turmoil and misunderstandings between us."

"Do tell!" I didn't let him see me roll my eyes, and the truth is, I wasn't feeling as hostile as I had been when he first showed up, which in itself is a very dangerous thing for me. I know from past experience how easy it is for me to fall back in.

I always thought that it was because I was young and didn't have a very good grip on the whole relationship thing. I was always quick to forgive him in the past because, well, I never really had a choice; my heart would always draw me closer to him no matter what my mouth and mind said. And it was always a losing battle.

But I thought for sure that this time would be different. I thought that the damage he'd done to my heart this time would make those two enemies, but my heart still recognized him and still wanted him. I don't know how many movies I've watched in the last five years where I yelled through the screen at some female for being too easy on the jerk in her life but look at me now.

All it took was one stupid post that partially confirmed part of his story, and I was ready to forget all the trauma of the last five years and what he had done. I would ask my therapist for help with this malady, but I doubt she could help.

Somehow, I knew that this was out of my control and always has been. It sometimes feels as if there's an invisible string pulling the two of us back together time and again, and the few times I'd fought it, it didn't end well for me. I'd usually end up in bed with a carton or three of tissues, red eyes, a blotchy red nose, and a pain in my chest that would last for days or until he came barging back into my life.

"We were too young when we first started dating. We fell in love with the personas we saw on TV and the stage, and then we had to get to know the real person, that we were both human and not some ideal. We were each other's first real anything, and no one ever taught us how to be together, how to truly love each other."

"The love was there, I know that, but the navigation system was broken all to hell, and we kept missing each other's signals and going around in circles." Why the hell does that sound like a GPS system? Leave it to Ryder to use some sort of car analogy.

"That was a good enough excuse for the first time we broke up, but we came back together time after time because of the genuine love that grew out of that. It was that love you betrayed. I gave you my true heart, and you ripped it apart and threw it into the fire."

"Now you want me to forgive you, to just pretend like it didn't happen."

"Why not? You forgive everyone else; why not me?"

"Because I never trusted anyone the way I trusted you. Don't you understand, don't you get it? I gave you the part of my heart that I never shared with anyone else."

"I trusted you to protect my love the way I protected yours, but instead, you trampled all over it and played me for a fool. I hate you."

"Don't say that." He moved closer and stood towering over me.

"I hate you." Defiant till the end. I know he hates those words; in the past, they made him rabid.

"Don't you ever say that to me again? You're mine, Elena. You belong to me, always have, always will."

"Hah!" I turned to walk away and found myself being pulled back and into his arms again with my back to his chest.

"You love me, and you know it. You could no more stop loving me than I could you."

"Says who? I've loved plenty of people since you." Lies, all lies.

"Did you ever say that to any of them?"

"Say what to who?" How could I have forgotten that jealous streak of his?

"Don't play games with me, Elena. Did you ever tell any of those fools you were dating that you love them?"

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly and pulled away again. "I might have, so what? Weren't you married? You had a whole ass wife, so what has it to do with you whether I told someone else that I loved them. Didn't you say it to her?" The words tasted bitter on my tongue, and the sick feeling in my gut didn't help.

Once again, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me with his lips to my ear. "Never, not once did I ever give her those words; they were only ever meant for you, and you know I'm not a liar." I shouldn't be as pleased as I was by his confession, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

"You expect me to believe that? As anal as she is, I'd expect her to force them out of you every other minute."

"She tried, but I was never able to do it. Maybe that's why she did all the stuff she did, attacking you online and getting her friends to join in. I'm sorry about that, by the way."

I just rolled my eyes and escaped his hold again. It's true; he's no liar. Even when his words were ripping my guts and heart out, he was brutally honest, which meant that he was serious about coming here after all this time, serious about getting back together. But I hope he doesn't expect me to just accept him with open arms.

"You know, Ryder, we keep doing this time and time again, but we can't go back this time. Too much has happened; there's been too much hurt."

"I don't want us to go back to the way things were either. I want us to move forward, to be better together because heaven knows we're nothing without each other. I can hardly breathe when we're apart. I need you to survive, and that's the plain truth."

"You could've fooled me; you stayed married to her for five years, and you seemed to be doing very well without me. What? You had an invisible oxygen mask? Whenever I saw you two online, you looked like the perfect couple."

That's not exactly true. As he'd said earlier, he used to look like hammered shit most of the time, but there were times when they looked close, like a couple in love. Those were the images that haunted me even though I knew all about staging for public appearances.

"Pain the ass! I was stuck, don't you get it? That's what I'm trying to explain to you if you'd give me a chance."

"What if I don't want to? What if I'm all out of chances to give?"

"Then I'll take you out of here right now, and no one will ever see us again. I'll take us both far away, somewhere no one knows us. We'll live like two hermits on the beach somewhere. It might be better that way anyway, no one to stick their nose in our business. No cameras watching our every move and no outside opinions that shouldn't matter."

"Get real. Why don't you go home to your wife?"

"I can't. I don't have one any longer." He walked by me and headed for the stairs leading up to the bedroom and the bed that we'd once shared. The bed that I'd found it hard to get rid of because it held too many memories of us.

"What? What did you just say?" By the time I caught up with him, he was kicking off his shoes and throwing himself down across the mattress the way he always used to. I stood in silent shock for a second as the memories replayed themselves in my head.

"If you'd listen to me, I would've told you that from the start. But you were so hellbent on kicking me out." He shrugged his shoulder and hugged my pillow to his chest. When he buried his face in it and inhaled my scent with a satisfied hum, I almost dropped to my knees.

Why does he still have this power over me after all this time? Why does my stupid heart still soften and feel this way about him? Not even two hours in the door, and already I was ready to give in to anything he asked for. It's always been like this; I've always just caved because the love was stronger than my own self-preservation and common sense. Not this time, please, not this time.

"We can't keep doing this, you know. We're no longer kids. We're both adults."

He pulled his face from my pillow and stared at me with those soulful eyes that I always suspected saw too much. "It doesn't matter how old we get, Elena. You and I will always be meant for each other."

He held his hand out for me to come to him, and like a fool, I took it, letting myself be pulled down on the bed next to him. "I missed you so fucking much, baby." There go those stupid tears again, but how could I help it? It's been so long since he's called me since I've heard that word spoken in his voice that sent shivers down my spine each time.

His fingers playing with the hair at my temple as he brushed it back off my face was a familiar feeling; the beat of his heart against my chest was another. When he dropped his eyes to my lips before looking back into mine, I held my breath and waited.

"Later, we'll talk later, and I'll let you get your pound of flesh, but right now, I need to be inside you so badly." I wanted it too, craved it even, and no amount of telling myself how stupid it was could stop me. I knew it, and he knew it. So, when his lips came down on mine, I let myself be sucked in, be taken over.

Just that easily, I was sucked back in. The feel of him was something so familiar I just wanted to burrow in and stay there in his arms until the rest of the world just faded away. Until there was no more pain, no more hurt, and no ugliness. Just the love I've always wanted with him.

And then reality came crashing in. This wasn't like all those other times we broke up and came back together. "Wait a minute, wait, we can't do this; you're married."

"I told you, I'm not." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the sheaf of papers I hadn't noticed hiding there.

I glanced over the divorce papers until I saw the signatures signifying that he was indeed telling the truth and the relief and love I felt at that moment made my head spin.