Chapter 44

*Ryder*

"No one has ever really loved me except for you. I know that now; I think I've always known it, but I wasn't in the right head space back then to understand it fully or to appreciate you and all that you've done. You and I both know that I was a major screwup in more ways than one. I know you tried to help me. I know you did your best, and that's why I know that I need to be here with you because when I looked back on my life once things started to become clear again, whenever I thought of the past, you were all I saw."

"You were all I needed, but I wasn't in the right place even then because I still found myself trapped in a marriage that I didn't want and never wanted. I know as long as I live, I will never be able to make it up to you for the pain that I caused, but please give me a chance to at least try. I have to try; I think I'd die if I don't make this right. I can't not have you, Elena, not and stay sane."

"Why? Why would I do that? So that you could hurt me again? So that you could destroy me? What is it? You didn't finish the job the last time, so you're back to finish me off this time around? You must think I'm as stupid as you are or a glutton for punishment."

"I don't think anything other than that I owe you a lifetime of happiness. I'm not asking you to forget anything that I did; I'm not even asking you to forgive me, not unless or until you feel it. I just want to be with you. It's selfish, I know, but I don't know how to be anything else when it comes to you."

"You've lived five years without me, without us, and though you won't believe it, so did I. I made my life a living hell; I punished myself every day because I knew what I had put you through. I knew you weren't happy, so I made sure I never had a day of peace, not once I realized the truth and how badly I screwed up."

"I was racked with guilt and self-hate because I couldn't even bring myself to even like the person I destroyed our love for. In the end, even when I remembered why I did it, my hands were still tied. You were still in danger, and so was Missy. I had to protect you both the best way I knew how."

"There were many times when I wanted to get clean, but I always slid right back into darkness because I knew I'd screwed up too much to win you back. If I were any kind of man, I'd let you go to find someone else, but I can't. Call me weak, call me selfish, call me anything you'd like, as long as you call me yours again."

"What makes you think I want that skank's leftovers? What are you on to think that I wanna accept you now after she's had you? After they've all had you."

"I see that mouth of yours is still as sharp as a two-edged sword."

"I never expected it to be easy, winning your heart again; I don't deserve easy. But I'll tell you now that I'm not letting you go again. What happened to me was as much my fault as it was the people who used and abused me. I accept that; I willingly admit it. But dammit, don't I deserve to be happy too. You look me in the eye right now and tell me that you're in love with one of those fools who've been hanging around you." I dare you.

"I think you're forgetting a few things, one of which is that I got the worst of you. You've told me everything that everyone else has done, but none of them has done me more harm than you, Ryder. Of all those people you mentioned, you were the one I trusted. Why didn't you love me enough? And why would I take that chance again?"

"But I did. I was just too fucked up to know it. I was a victim of this as well, you know."

"Yeah, well, you treated me like shit before this happened, you monster."

"Come on, Elena. We were both young and stupid."

"Yes, but I never mistreated you. I gave you everything, and what did I get in return?"

"I know, believe me, I've thought of nothing else in the last few months. Even when I was drugged out of my mind, I never forgot what you meant to me, what we once shared. Sometimes I think you're the only reason I'm still here. I thought of ending it more than once when missing you became too much, and I thought I would die from the pain."

"Yeah, right, whatever. It didn't look like you were dying for want of me when you got married to someone else. If I remember correctly, you and your wife were the toast of the town. You did all the things we used to do together and even some that you refused to do with me. From where I'm standing, it looks like she got the best part of you while all I got was your worst."

"In that memory bank of yours, do you recall me having to clean you up after one of your binges, or me having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to come get you out of some hellhole and then having to hide from the paparazzi so no one would know you were strung out all the time?"

"But miraculously, once you got married, you were the most upstanding citizen, everybody's poster boy. Always smiling and happy. Every time I turned around, you two were jetting off somewhere. Meanwhile, I couldn't get you to cross the damn street without a fight when we were together."

"That was all PR and well-orchestrated outings. Did you see what I looked like the last couple of years without you? I looked like shit. She did not get the best part of me, don't ever say that. That was always reserved for you, even when I was pissed at you when I thought you betrayed me. I promise you if you give me another chance, things will never be like that again, not for as long as I live."

"How can I make you understand that I was hurting too? I know from the outside looking in I'm the bad guy, and I take that, but I was there; I know what I felt, what I endured. I know the fault was all mine, but I was swimming in a sea of chaos."

"People I trusted turned my love against me. I was far away from home and everything I knew. I was too young to know better in a town that offered every vice known to man right at my fingertips. All excuses, I know, but it's all true."

"Yes, there were times I was mad at you for not letting me be free, times when I almost hated you because you were so good, so pure, and I was already dabbling with the dark side. I'm no saint, Elena; we both know that, and even before I knew I was being drugged, there were things I wanted to do, but not once did I want to be without you."

"You were always the one to break up with me because your family and friends didn't think I was good enough, and that was before I started messing things up. How do you think that made me feel? How many times did I tell you what that did to me? So, you have no blame in this? You never hurt me?"

"Ryder, you really do have a very short memory. Each time we broke up, it was because of something stupid you did that made my family nervous."

"What eighteen-year-old with a fast car won't drive fast, Elena? Was that worth me being cast aside?"

"So, they should've been fine with you risking my life."

"I never did that. Once, once, I drove too fast with you in the car, and I lost you for a whole damn year. Everyone was trying to control me, including you and those people you love so much. You always put everyone else before me, Elena. And guess what, when you pushed me aside, guess who was there to pick up the pieces. People like Matt and Mary, Janie, the Hudson girls."

"Oh, so now it's my fault that you got mixed up with them?"

"Of course not, that's not what I'm saying; I'm just trying to spell everything out so we can see where we went wrong time and again. Don't you get it? I want to make everything right. I want us to start over and do better this time. I need us to heal together and be stronger than we ever were."

"I don't see how, Ryder; there are some things you just don't come back from. You say those things were PR stunts, but the things you said about me in the beginning, weren't. You dogged me out and treated me like I never mattered. You made light of our eight years together and made me feel like shit for something I didn't do."

"What? What are you saying? What are you talking about?"

*Elena*

"Don't pretend you don't know. As if leaving me stranded at the altar wasn't bad enough, you had to make me look like a fool in front of the whole world. You said things about me and shared things I told you in confidence just to break me down even further."

"Elena, I was high from the day I got married until about two and a half months ago. I don't remember half of what was going on then, but I know for a fact that I never said anything against you, not once. I couldn't; it's just not in me."

I gave him a disbelieving look and knew from experience that it would annoy him. The narcissist in him could never handle being doubted, but I was no longer the one to feed his ego so he could get bent as far as I was concerned.

"Let me ask you a question, do you handle your own social media posts?"

"No, what does that… wait, are you saying you didn't post any of those things?"

"No, I didn't. She did all of that because she knew what it would do to you. It was one of Mary's schemes. Their plan was to drive you crazy by making it seem like I was the one saying all of those things. I'm sorry. But I thought you would see right through that; please tell me you didn't believe for a second that I was behind that shit."

"What else was I supposed to believe, Ryder? It was under your name."

"So, you thought that I hated you that much."

"Well, yeah. So, if you didn't write them, what about the pregnancy rumors?" I felt stupid asking, but I had to know. He'd been here for hours, and I hadn't had the nerve to bring it up.

Seeing that post had almost destroyed me, which was one big sign that I was far from over him. I was almost afraid of a relapse. That's how bad it was. The thought of him sharing that with her, something I might never have, was the last straw.

"There is no pregnancy. I never touched her, not after we got married. Where are you going?" I walked away before I hit him again, back to being mad and frustrated.

"You say you want another chance, and you're already back to lying to me, taking me for a fool. You forget that I know you. There's no way you went five years without sex, and that sociopath would've killed you if you even dared look at another woman. This is pointless; I can't do this with you. Thanks for telling me everything; you can go now."

"Elena, look at me. You know me; you know me better than anyone else in this world…."

"That's not true. How do I know that? I believed that before, even as messed up as you were, I always believed that I knew your heart."

"I always believed that I knew you, that you would never hurt me because you knew me. I believed that you loved me enough never to hurt me, and you damn near destroyed me."

"Elena."

"No, stop." I hated that hurt tone in his voice. Who was he to be hurt? Since when did he care about my feelings? "Do you know how many nights I thought of ending myself? Do you know the pain you caused and what you took from me? You took something that was so precious, so vital to me. You stole my trust; you broke my heart in pieces; you treated me like I was nothing. You told the world that I meant nothing to you."

"The person you hurt wasn't some TV character; you destroyed the real me. Someone who let you in and loved you, you tossed away like a used tissue. Don't you understand what you meant to me? How did you think I was going to feel after what you did? You stole every bit of innocence I had left, Ryder. I trusted you with that girl, the one no one else gets to see."

"You were vital to that girl, that girl that was never in the spotlight. That girl opened her heart and let you in. You made me fall in love with you, and then you just went away. Not only that but the way in which you did it, you humiliated me in front of the whole world. No, don't touch me. I moved away when he reached out because I knew if he touched me, I would break down, and I wouldn't get it all out.

"I was a laughingstock. I'm sure that you went through your own traumas or whatever, but that was your choice. How did I get dragged into it because you wanted to fuck Grandma and half of this depraved town? And now you're here trying to drag me back into the middle of your mess again?"

"What is it that you're expecting me to do? Are you expecting me to fight these people? These are some very dangerous people if what you're saying is true."

"It's all true, believe me, I wouldn't make up something like this, but first, we have to plan, we have to be very careful and plan, and the first thing I want to do is mend your heart. I'm the one who broke it, so I should be the one to put it back together. Call me whatever you want to, but I'm not taking no for an answer. I already told you in a song."

Before I could open my mouth to blast him, both our phones dinged. I only picked mine up for something to do other than yelling back at him. "Oh damn! I guess you were telling the truth after all."

‘What nondescript daughter of a barely there actor is auditioning for the role of immaculate conception?'

‘Sources say that the only way this F-list wanna-be model slash makeup guru could become with child is if the bodyguard was working overtime, since her A-list husband, who's now getting his act together, has never graced her bed. Maybe her mother can cast a breeding spell, or she can buy herself a puppy to keep her company in the lonely days and nights to come.'

Beside the post was a picture of Janie and the post she'd made earlier claiming to be pregnant, along with one of those false pregnancy tummies they use in the movies.

"Oh shit!" Ryder laughed the words out, and I just stared at him as if he was the one on meds. What the hell is going on?