Chapter 6

Graham returned from the bar with their drinks. Something had changed.

Ryan was looking at him differently. Not with disapproval, or disgust, but with an interest Graham hadn't noticed before. Okay, so he saw Ryan was checking out his arms, but guys who did the gym often did that. It was a sort of, nice one, well done, I understand how much work that takes, and I like what you did there, kind of compliment. Nothing more.

But now, Graham saw, as he sat, slid the drinks in front of Ryan and Sam, there was something else. Almost imperceptible. ‘What's happening?' Graham asked them, hoping it would become clearer.

‘Nothing,' Sam said, ‘we were just talking about you, not to you!' He winked.

If Graham pursued this it would show he thought something was wrong, so he decided against it. ‘Your mum getting married, assuming you like the guy, would you still be a hard no for it?' This ought to loosen him up, maybe work out what had changed in the time that he'd been at the bar.

Ryan rotated his glass of lager, staring at it. ‘When Mum and Dad divorced, I sort of lost faith in it.'

Graham narrowed his eyes, staring at Ryan, trying to work out what he was thinking, why something had shifted so recently. ‘It? Everything?'

‘Marriage. Weddings. Forever. Happily, ever after. All that. Getting tied down. Compromising who you are. Sacrificing it all. It's not for me. It's…' He looked up.

Sam said, ‘Go on, tell him what you always tell me.'

Yeah, tell us,Graham thought.

‘It's sappy and it's for suckers. You spend your life with someone, trying to make them happy, promising to be together forever, and then one day they wake up and they don't want to be with you. Boom. All those years wasted. Empty promises. Pointless. Only a sucker would sign up for that.'

Graham sighed, raised his eyebrows. It was a lot to take in. Somebody had really done a number on Ryan. ‘What about before the divorce?'

Ryan shrugged, looked away, sipped his lager. ‘When they were married, I believed in it all. But after they divorced, I thought Mum was over all that sappy stuff. She realised it wasn't real and was going to be happily independent for the rest of her life.'

‘And never have sex again?'

Ryan blushed, shook his head. ‘Don't want to think about that. Hadn't.' He looked up. ‘I don't see why everyone puts themselves out there only to be knocked back. It's a pointless exercise.'

Graham thought for a moment. He needed to know what had shifted. ‘What's the longest relationship you've had?'

Ryan chuckled, nodded towards Sam. ‘Him.' He coughed. ‘You mean relationship, not friendship?'

Graham nodded.

‘Two months. I dumped her when it got too serious.'

Sam said, ‘I thought she dumped you.'

‘No. I dumped her.'

Sam frowned. ‘I definitely remember you saying she'd dumped you, but you'd had enough anyway.'

‘See. Too serious.' Ryan shrugged. ‘What difference does it make? Years ago, anyway.'

Something occurred to Graham and he thought he'd give it a go. ‘If you were going to start dating again, or whatever, casual, just to, you know scratch an itch. If you were, what's your type?'

‘I don't have one.'

Graham didn't believe that. In his experience, even if it was a type to sleep with, or a type to date, or a type to marry, most people had a type. And if Ryan couldn't describe his perfect woman, it might possibly mean only one thing. Probably.

Graham turned to Sam. ‘What about you?'

‘My last three girlfriends have all been blonde. Slim, shorter than me. Not into breasts too much, more than a handful is a waste. But bums, yeah. A nice shapely behind.'

‘More than enough about my brother's type.'

‘You did ask,' Sam replied. ‘You go,' he asked Graham.

Graham thought for a moment. His ex and the two guys before, less serious, but lasting a while, had all been pretty similar. ‘My height or thereabouts. Same build as me. Don't mind hair colour. Not a fan of too much manscaping. If it's hairy, leave it that way, but trim a little. Someone who's into their appearance. Takes care of it. Grooming, but not overly self-conscious about it. Stubbly chests are not sexy. And I've tried it.' He made a face.

Ryan's face had gone bright red, he couldn't look at Graham.

‘Aren't you going to tell us your type, Ryan?' Graham was enjoying this.

‘I did. I don't have one. Doesn't matter anyway, I'm not interested in a relationship, long term or whatever. I'm not a sucker.'

Or is it, Graham wondered, having decided pretty conclusively that Ryan was gay and not out, not even to himself, that Ryan didn't trust, couldn't trust, after it had been broken by watching his parents' forever relationship dissolve? Graham nodded.

‘Anyway,' Ryan said, looking from Graham to Sam with a slight look of desperation, ‘Mum reckons this boyfriend needs a total restyle. He's got good raw material, but it needs refining. Which basically means he's been living under a rock for the last few years.' Ryan shook his head. ‘Why Mum couldn't at least fall for someone who looked half decent is beyond me. She's top tier UK TV actress. Not far off becoming a national treasure. Front cover of magazines. Celebrity endorsements. And all she can find is this driver who's not shaved or washed in years. It would be funny if it wasn't true.' Ryan rolled his eyes.

Although they'd just met, and he was Sam's friend, Graham couldn't let that slide without saying something. ‘Now, more and more people hire stylists, personal shoppers. Some high street stores have them. They spend time to find out your lifestyle, your preferences, measure your body shape, then recommend outfits to make you look your best. A man who's not consciously constructed his look, isn't a new thing. I have men coming to me for help, all the time.'

‘Of their own accord?'

‘Sometimes. Post breakup, or they've been dating and can't attract the right woman. They might be the kindest most caring man alive, but if they're not presenting that in a way to show off what they have, no woman is going to look past the appearance. Women, in general, are more used to creating what they look like, in a self-conscious way. Men, some men, are used to just being themselves, wearing whatever. Not consciously creating a look. And when you're young and attractive, most of the time that's fine. But when you're pushing forty, fifty, sixty and beyond, Mother Nature needs a little help. And that's where I come in.'

‘Right,' Ryan said. ‘Well, that's me told.'

‘Sorry. I didn't mean to lecture you. I'm not your dad. I'm not his dad and sometimes I end up behaving like one. I think you should judge your mum's partner after you've met him, not before.'

Ryan shrugged. ‘What about you?'

Sam said, ‘Don't be rude.'

‘It's all right,' Graham said, ‘I can handle myself.' Turning to Ryan he said, ‘What about me?'

‘If you're so love and relationships, and all that, why are you single?'

Sam gently punched Ryan's arm.

‘Ow!' Ryan said.

Sam widened his eyes, shook his head at Ryan. ‘I said it was rude.' To his brother, Sam said, ‘Ignore him. He doesn't know what happened.'

‘Ignore me. Sorry,' Ryan said.

Graham sat back, put his hands behind his head, relaxed into the pose. ‘I feel like we're pretty close. We've shared a lot of serious shit this evening. A lot has gone down. So, I don't mind telling you why I'm single and plan to remain so for the foreseeable: I spent most of my life looking after other people. And I seem to attract men who need that. I didn't used to see it. Until Sam pointed it out. The last few months of Mum's life nearly finished me off. I'd just split up from a guy who relied on me too much. He lost his job, so he moved in. He needed money so I lent it to him. He was going to get a job, so he stayed at my place searching. Eating food, I bought. I asked him how the job hunting was going and he said he was taking a break from it. A break, from being looked after by me, and all he had to do was apply for jobs. But I didn't split up with him then. Oh no. I waited until he'd emptied my business bank account, buying himself whatever he needed, at first to get a job, but then it was whatever.'

Sam put his hand on Graham's arm to stop him. ‘All right.'

It still hurt, talking about it. ‘Only when I packed his things, put him in a taxi, and arranged a few nights in a hostel did he actually leave. Asked me for some cash to tide him over.' Graham blinked; a tear rolled down his cheek. Anger, regret, guilt mixed and washed through him. ‘And do you know what, I only gave it to him, didn't I?'

There was silence.

‘It's only thanks to Katy Perry that I survived,' Graham said.

‘What?' Ryan asked.

‘Well, "Roar" more precisely…' He looked at Sam.

Sam went on, ‘It was his breakup anthem. Every morning he played it.' He shrugged. ‘Whatever you need to get you through, right?'

Ryan nodded.

Another silence, and Graham wondered if he'd made himself look stupid by sharing that. But it was part of his past, it was who he was, so why be embarrassed about it?

Sam said, ‘We'd better go. Work tomorrow. Thanks bro.' He hugged Graham. ‘We've got this.'

Ryan stood, awkwardly stepping from foot to foot. ‘I didn't mean to…Sorry. Shouldn't have asked.'

Graham shrugged. ‘You weren't to know.'

‘Yeah, but Sam did and he should have stopped me. Sounds hard.'

‘You could say that, yeah.'

Ryan shook his hand, stared into his eyes, and there was that changed look again, that stare of something different. Couldn't be desire, interest, attraction since Ryan had been so clear he didn't do relationships, didn't believe in all that slushy stuff. And yet, Graham realised, as he looked at the slight smile Ryan was giving him, Graham knew people, Graham worked with people all day every day, it was his business to understand unspoken signals, to help them open up and tell him what they really wanted, what they really worried about, okay so it was mainly about how they looked, but it was still important. And after all that, Graham was absolutely sure Ryan was interested in him, in some way more complex than being his best friend's brother.

Quite what that was, what it would mean, especially given Graham wasn't dating, he didn't know. But in that look they'd shared, Graham knew there was a world of possibilities. And part of it scared him, part of it excited him. But mostly it made him wonder if he had no time for a boyfriend, if he didn't want to repeat the mistakes he'd made with all of his exes, maybe this – whatever it was, nothing at the moment – with Ryan, could be, possibly, exactly what he needed right now.

Ryan left the pub, an attractively broad gate, arms at either side as if to balance his wide shoulders.

Or given they were unlikely to see each other again, Graham decided, maybe not.