31. Colt - You’re Not Okay - 10 years ago: winter

Turning off the stove, I grabbed the pot and poured the alfredo sauce over the chicken, pasta, and broccoli to finish making her favorite dish.

Grabbing up both plates, I walked into her apartment’s small dining room.

“Ta-da,” I said with a grin, setting the meal down in front of her. She was still wearing her skating clothes from practice, which was odd considering she usually loved to strip out of them and change into sweatpants and a hoodie– usually mine– as soon as she reached home. It flashed in my mind that maybe this was a stress response, the same as how she used to procrastinate taking her skates off because it would signal another practice day gone and one day closer to a competition. She was about a month out from Nationals, another month out from the Olympics, and I couldn’t fucking wait for them to be over.

Looking down at her plate, her body stiffened and she pushed her chair slightly back. My eyes darted over her, wondering what was wrong.

She kept her head lowered. “Sorry, I can’t.”

“Can’t?” My forehead creased, not understanding. This wasn't exactly the response I’d been hoping for.

“I can’t eat that,” she said quietly, staring down at the plate.

The silence in the apartment felt suffocating. I rubbed my forehead. “Why not?”

“Andy and I…”

My eyes flew shut like I could block out her words, and my hands balled up in fists to harness my frustration. If Andy was in the room, I would’ve slugged him in his stupid asshole mouth.

She wasn’t okay. Her body looked rail thin, her pale face gaunt, she was overtraining and hurting. She was falling apart right at the finish line and she didn’t even realize it.

“You’re not okay,” I choked out.

She reared back like I slapped her and those sky blue eyes of hers turned stormy. “What?”

“You need to eat, Mer.”

She shook her head. “What? I’ve been–”

“ Real food.”

Her chest rose and fell. “Andy said–”

“He’s controlling you, Meredith,” I snapped. “What’s even in those shakes he’s dumping down your throat? Because it’s obviously not real nutrition. Have you even asked?”

Her eyebrows knit together. “Andy’s helping me. You’re being insecure.”

“And you’re being a cliche,” I burst out.

She reeled back like I slapped her, and I immediately felt like a dick. Fuck. This was not going the way I planned.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” My nose flared with an angry breath. “You’re pushing way too hard, you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re popping fucking pills to cover the pain, you’re not eating, so you’re not recovering. Your body’s falling apart.” My throat burned. “You’re not okay, baby.”

“No, I'm fine, that’s so mean, Colt,” her voice wavered. Her eyes darted everywhere except my face. “How could you say that? You know this is important to me. Skating is all I have–”

“All you have?” My anger gave way to something worse: devastation.

Her mouth dropped slightly open. “That’s not what I meant. I–”

My hand covered my mouth. When I looked back at her, at her weak frame, my gut twisted with dread. I tried to keep my tone gentle, but I was panicking inside. “When was your last period?”

I watched her sift back through her memories. “I… I don’t know,” she whispered. “It doesn't matter.”

It doesn’t matter? I wanted to scream-cry. I scrubbed a hand over my face to cover my own emotions cracking through. “It does. It fucking does. That’s a problem, Mer. You have to think of your health. Nothing else fucking matters, okay? None of it.” I gave her a hard look. “We could throw it all away tomorrow, be done with the rink and everyone in it, and I wouldn’t give a fuck.” I pushed out of my chair, suddenly too angry and worried to sit still.

I wished we could both quit and run away together.

But we wouldn’t.

We couldn’t.

The rink controlled us.

“Where are you going? Please don’t leave.” Her voice cracked. “I’ll eat.” She sounded so desperate and I fucking hated it.

I covered my eyes because I was going to lose it. I was going to cry like a fucking baby in front of her. How did it come to this? How did I let it come to this? I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.

Swallowing the burning lump in my throat, I choked out, “Good. You need to, baby. But right now, I think we need a minute. I think we need space. I’m… angry.”

Her eyes rounded in shock. “At me?”

“No.” I shook my head. “At fucking Andy. Your coaches.” Me. Everyone who let her get to this point. “I want to stay, but I need to…” I couldn’t even get the words out because my brain was so muddled.

She wrapped her frail arms around herself. “You’re n-not staying?”

“I want to.” I sucked in my top lip. “But I need to be on a plane tomorrow at 5am.” My eyes slowly met hers. Shock registered on her face.

“What? Why?” she whispered.

My jaw clenched. “I got called up.”

This should’ve been a happy night. We should’ve been celebrating. But I was terrified of leaving her here. My mind was at war with itself. I needed to be on that plane tomorrow because it's what I’d worked for my whole life. But Mer… She needed help.

“Okay.” Tears filled her eyes. “When are you coming back?”

“I don’t know.” I rubbed a hand down my face. “I don’t know how long they’ll want me.”

“Okay… I…” Her shoulders shook with silent tears. “How do I make this better? I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” She wiped her face and hugged herself, looking so small and hurt that it fucking gutted me. “I don’t know how to make this better,” she said desperately.

Pulling her into me, I put my forehead to hers. “You take care of yourself, baby.” I kissed her hair. “Tell me to stay and I’ll stay.”

She cried harder in my arms, balling my shirt in her fists. “I can’t. I can’t do that to you.” Her body shook. “You have to go. I want you to go.”

I took her mouth with mine and kissed her, tasting our tears. It was a selfish move. Because I knew she wouldn’t want to kiss me again after the next thing I told her.

It was going to break us. That’s why it hurt so fucking bad. But I didn't have a choice. I finally did what I should’ve done a long time ago.

I had to believe that she’d eventually realize why I did it. She’d realize it was because I loved her so damn much.

I would take the hit. Our relationship would take the hit. To save her.

“Hey baby.” My voice cracked. My eyes stung. But I had to get this out.

She leaned her head against my chest. “Hmm?”

“I called your parents.”

The apartment went deathly quiet. Her body stilled, like she wasn’t sure she heard me right. She pulled back and stared up at me, her sky eyes glassy.

“You need help, okay?” I spoke as gently as I could.

Her eyes darted over my face, trying to piece together what I was saying.

“I called your parents. I told them everything. I told your mom that you need help. She’s coming here as soon as I leave. You–”

She slapped me.

Shocked silence hung between us.

My cheek stung. I angled my jaw to the side, letting it absorb. My heart died a little in my chest.

She hit me, slapped my chest, shoved me, screamed at me. She hated me. She regretted me. She never wanted to see me again.

Closing my eyes, I tried to block it all out and take her pain.

If she needed me to be the bad guy, so be it. I’d be it to save her.

When I opened my eyes again, tears were streaming down her face.

She shoved my chest one last time before I gently grabbed her wrists.

“I love you,” I murmured, bringing her knuckles to my lips. “I love you, Meredith Bennett.”

She collapsed into me and I held her. Cradling the back of her head to my chest, I looked to the ceiling and blinked rapidly to clear my eyes.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what to do. I hope you can forgive me. Focus on yourself, okay? Call me when you’re ready. I’ll be back to you as soon as I can. I promise,” I told her.

She pushed me away. Backing up against the wall, she sank to the floor, crying.

My knees cracked as I bent down to comfort her, but she shook her head and pushed me away, and it felt like a dagger to the heart.

I had to remind myself that she was angry and hurting, and I broke her trust.

“Take care of yourself, baby,” I said before walking away from her, hoping I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life.

_________

A few weeks later, I rang in the new year with my team. All night, I was at war with myself, wanting to call her, but stopping myself. I just wanted to hear her voice so fucking badly, but I also knew her. I knew she needed space to get better.

She was pissed at me, which was understandable, and I didn’t want to push her or overwhelm her. She was about to skate in the biggest competition of her life, and she’d talk to me when she was ready. I had to believe that.

It was crazy, really. My whole life I wanted to be on the road with an NHL team. Her whole life, she wanted to be going to the Olympics. Now that both of those things were starting to happen, all I wanted was to go back in time to be at Centre Ice with her.

The next Saturday, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach.

I’d be skating in Boston with my team in a couple hours. Mer would be competing in the US National Figure Skating Championship in San Jose tomorrow.

I sat in the locker room re-taping my stick when a couple of my teammates, who were watching a video on someone’s phone, sucked in shocked breaths.

“Oh shiiiit.”

“That sucks .”

“Good reminder that the ice isn’t forgiving, eh?”

My neck snapped up. “What? What happened?”

They went quiet, using only their eyes to silently communicate between themselves.

“What’re you watching?” I gestured to the phone.

Kappy rushed into the locker room and stared at me. His face drained of color and he swallowed hard.

“What?” My body went shaky. Why wasn’t anyone answering me? “What’s wrong?”

Kappy gave a slight head shake to our teammates. The guy holding his phone slowly put it on the bench, face down.

“Give me the phone,” I demanded, striding over to him.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, dude.”

“Give it to me,” I demanded.

As soon as I saw the screen, recognition dawned on me. I knew that practice dress.

My gut twisted.

Mer and Andy, skating at Nationals. It was just a warm-up session.

She went up for the lift. He was holding her above his shoulders. But something went wrong. He jerked forward, losing his balance, and she went straight down on the ice. Right on her knee.

Her face crumpled as a scream-cry tore from her throat. Andy instantly crowded over her.

My whole body shook. No, no, no. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t… This wasn’t real, was it?

My eyes snapped to Kappy, who was pulling on the back of his neck, a grim expression on his face.

“Dude, it’ll be okay,” he tried.

In a flash, I hurled the phone against the wall. As hard as I could.

My stomach rolled and I ran to the trash can and emptied my body, ignoring the guys yelling at me about the phone. Her knee. Oh my God .

“She’ll… She’ll be alright,” Kappy tried.

Would she even be able to walk again? That looked bad. It looked gruesome. Her cry. Fuck all of this.

“You sure?” My stomach heaved again.

His face faltered. He couldn’t lie for shit.

I shook my head. “Tell me, Kappy. What are they saying?”

“She’ll be alright. Eventually. I think… from the reports, she broke her knee cap… in multiple… pieces.”

“Pieces….” I repeated, holding my spinning head.

“She’ll be out for the season. She’ll miss the Olympics. It’s…” he trailed off.

“What?” I demanded. “Tell me.” I needed to hear all of it. I needed to know.

“It looks like a career-ending injury. I don’t know if anyone’s come back from that.”

My hands tightened on the trash can and I hung my head. She wanted it so badly . She was so close .

It didn’t feel right that I was here getting my shot when hers just ended.

Shaking my head, I stalked to my hockey bag and tore it apart, searching for my phone and wallet. I needed to get to her. To hell with all of this. I just wanted to be with her.

“Colt, you can’t leave,” Kappy was saying. “This is all you’ve worked for. The two of you aren't even together right now.”

“Don’t.” I warned him with a hard glare. None of that mattered now. She needed me.

“You can’t even get to her right now. They rushed her into emergency surgery.”

Fuck.

I tried to call her on my phone, but it went straight to voicemail.

My body shook with panic. I needed to go. I needed to get to her.

“You can’t go,” Kappy repeated.

“I need to.”

He blocked my path to the door. “She’s across the fucking country. By the time you get a flight, you’ll miss this shot. You might not get another opportunity. Especially if you leave. You’ll get blackballed from the league, Colt.”

“Don’t care.” I tried to push past him.

“Think about this logically. You leave now to be with her and then you’ll both be unemployed? Think of your future. Not just hers, yours, together. You need to do this for the two of you. You need to make this team, Colt,” he whispered tersely.

I didn’t care. I was going to her.

“I’m not letting you leave.” His eyes widened. “Think about how she’ll react when she hears you blew it here? She’ll be mad at you. She’ll be mad at me.”

I shoved him to move aside.

He shoved back.

I flung him to the side and tore out of the room.

But just as I was clearing the threshold of the locker room door, he grabbed my shirt and yanked me back inside. It happened in a flash– he reeled back his fist and popped me in the eye, making me stumble back.

“Ow, you fucker.” I held my face.

“Calm down. Think,” he yelled at me, the veins in his throat bulging. “I’m sorry, but Mer would want you to stay. Go out there and play for her. You won’t even be able to see her ‘til later. Play this game, then I will personally drive you to the fucking airport, okay? I promise.”

“She’s alone!” I yelled at him desperately. Her parents were saving for the Olympic flights– it was basically a solid bet that her and Andy would medal– so they were watching from their TV in Michigan. Would they go to her now? I fucking hoped so. Andy and her coaches couldn’t be trusted with her medical care.

Kappy’s shoulders fell. “Shit.”

Ignoring him, I called her number about five times.

“Where’s JP?” I grunted, growing more irritated each time I reached her voicemail.

“He’s in Minnesota.”

Fuck . He wouldn’t make it there any faster than I would. My mind reeled.

“My mom.”

Kappy paused. “I don’t know, dude.”

“She could get there for me,” I said, shooting off a text to her.

“Just play this one game then go to her yourself, alright?” Kappy asked.

Dropping my phone, I nodded.

______

I played that game for her.

All three periods passed by in what felt like a minute. I couldn’t process any of it. I was just so angry. I went out to hit. To hurt. I needed to do something with all the raging anger coursing through my body.

How could that happen to her?

Why would that happen to her?

When the game ended, my teammates all celebrated, but I couldn’t muster any words.

Management loved my playing style. They were keeping me up for the rest of the road trip, which should’ve been great news, but as soon as I heard from Mer, I was leaving. I just wanted to be with her.

When I finally got to the hotel room that night, I called my mom.

“Honey, she’s really out of it right now.”

“You’re with her though? She’s okay?” I asked quickly.

She hesitated. “Yes, I’m here. I think they have her on a lot of medications. I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone.”

My eyebrows slammed down. “But it’s me. She’ll want to talk to me, Mom. Give her the phone.”

Silence stretched over the line and my anxiety ratcheted up.

“Did you two have a fight?” she asked quietly.

“I mean, yeah, but that…” I rubbed my forehead. “That doesn't matter. None of that matters.” We were bigger than that. This was bigger. I needed to be there for her.

“I think she just needs some time, alright? She’s understandably really devastated right now.”

“Mom, what are you saying?” I growled. “Just give her the fucking phone.”

“She’s struggling to keep her head above the water, she needs to focus on herself right now, alright?”

“Give her the fucking phone, Mom,” I demanded.

A second later, her crying filled the line. I was sure I'd never be able to get the sound out of my head for as long as I lived.

“No, go away! I don’t want him here,” she cried. “Please! Please listen to me!” The desperation in her voice was heartbreaking.

And she was talking about… me?

It didn’t make sense.

She sounded desperate, hysterical even, as she pleaded to be left alone.

No words left my mouth.

My whole world just got rocked upside down.

“She just needs time, she’s not even lucid right now, honey. The surgery went well and they’re keeping her comfortable.”

“Uh…” I held my jaw, because if I didn't, I’d cry. For her. For me.

If this was switched around, and I was the one who’s dreams were just crushed and I was laying there in pain, all I'd want, the only person I'd want near me… would be her.

How was it not the same for her?

“Honey, are you alright?”

Were we actually broken up? Was that fight the end of us? How could that just be it? She knew I was coming back to her. She was angry, but… I thought… I thought she’d understand it was because I loved her.

I looked around the hotel room, at a loss for words.

What was the point of any of this if it wasn’t for us? I didn’t know how to function without the dreams we built together.

I tuned out my mother’s voice as she told me to focus on myself and gave me input about my game.

A knock sounded on my door and I gave my mom a lame excuse to hang up.

Kappy stood there, car keys in hand. “Airport?” Taking in my face, his body sagged. “What? What happened?”

I shook my head, not even knowing what to say.

This had to be just a bump in the road for us. Mer was in shock or something. There’s no way we were over.

“Is it my fault?” he whispered, anxiety etched on his face. “I’ll call her. I’ll call her right now. It’s my fault. I made you stay. Look at your black eye for God’s sake.” His hands went to his hair. “I’m so sorry, dude.”

“No,” I choked out.

He looked so worried that I had to tell him everything.

I told him about Andy, the pills, the shakes, the stupid dinner I made, the way I called her parents, I didn’t leave anything out. Part of me needed to tell him so he’d know not to blame himself, but honestly, I needed to say it all aloud for myself. I needed to recount it, dissect it, try to understand where everything went wrong.

“Shit, dude. I didn’t know,” he said when I finally finished. His mouth twisted like he was sucking on something sour. “I’d like a few minutes with that Andy guy.”

Blowing out a breath, I nodded. “Yeah, get in line.”

“So…” his eyes darted to mine, “what are you going to do?”

Balancing my elbows on my knees, I hung my head.

What could I do? She clearly wanted to be alone– her hysterical cries were burned into my brain, playing over and over again like it was stuck on some kind of loop.

I couldn’t leave to go see her right now because she didn’t even want that. So I guess I’d continue working for our dreams and wait for her to call me. What other choice did I have?