30. Colt - This Little Thing Called Love

She bolted outside to her car and I had no choice but to let her. I trailed slowly behind, feeling like I was walking through quicksand. When she carefully backed out of the driveway, I basically fell down on the ledge of my planter.

Where. Were. You? When my world completely shattered, where were you, Colt?

Her pained words, the devastation on her face, it played over and over again in my mind. Groaning, I dropped my head into my hands. What the fuck just happened?

I’m not sure how long I sat there when I heard, “This seat taken?”

My neck snapped up to see Hans’ shaky frame, dressed in a nice sweater vest for today, carefully lowering to sit beside me.

“Ya know,” he squinted off into the distance, “about twenty years ago, I lost my wife.”

Surprise rocked into me. Twenty years ago put us at about 12 and 60– meaning, the age when us boys used to torment him at Centre Ice. My eyes slammed shut and regret washed over me. “We were such insensitive little shits. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were ever married.”

“No one ever asked.” He shrugged it off, but my stomach dropped. “It’s alright. I was just an old man to you guys, even back then.”

I shook my head, hating how self-centered I’d been. “I’m sorry.”

“Nah, don’t apologize. You boys have always been the perfect distraction.” He chuckled to himself. “Back then you were always causing trouble, always keeping me on my toes. I was so angry back then.” He blew out a ragged sigh. “I felt like I'd been ripped off, ya know? Me and my wife, Katia,” he gave a watery smile, “we were so happy together. We had our struggles, everyone does. We couldn’t have kids.” I went to apologize again, but he held a hand up. “No, don't feel bad. We made our lives the way we wanted them. We had each other, so we had enough.”

Shame seared into me as I stared down at my hands. Why had I never asked him about his life?

“Katia was my everything. And after she died… ” His face tightened. “I was a mess of self-pity. I regretted it all. I cursed the past. I wished I'd never met her, wished I’d never seen her beautiful smile, wished I'd never held her delicate hand. Because it didn’t feel worth it to be so happy just to have it all torn away from me. I tried so hard for about a year there to banish all our memories from my mind. But then…” he choked out a laugh. “But then… I watched you two. You and Ms. Bennett,” he clarified, a kind smile on his face.

I looked at him in question.

He chuckled. “Nothing slid past me at that rink. I saw how you’d sneak over to the figure skaters’ side and watch her. And you two were so awkward around each other, and it made me chuckle.” He grinned. “But then… You weren’t awkward anymore, were you? And it moved into something deeper. Something real.” He nodded proudly to himself. “You two reminded me that it was worth it. I felt lucky that I got to experience it myself, however fleeting, and then I got to watch it unfold all over again. This very special, very delicate, selfless little thing called love. It was beautiful. And I don't know what really happened between you two. I have my suspicions.” He craned his neck to look back at my house. “And I know I overstepped. I shouldn’t have gotten involved in your guys’ business. But… I’m dying.”

Dread spiraled down my spine and my mouth gapped open. “What?”

He nodded. “I’m dying.” He blew out a sigh. “And I wanted to see true love just one more time.” His watery blue eyes held mine. He patted my arm with his shaky hand. “Just one more time before I died. So, please don’t be angry with me.”

“No, I'm…” I choked up. “I don’t know what to say. What’s…” My eyes scanned over him. “What’s wrong? Do you need help? Can I help?”

He shook his head. “It’s my heart.” He patted his chest. “Nothing I need from you except forgiveness for tampering. To be honest, I tried first with Piper and Richard, but…” He bit out an amused chuckle, “those two have too much fun hating each other, if you ask me. And Jameson…Well, that situation needs time.” He patted my shoulder. “I just wanted you and Ms. Bennett to have your happy ending. I knew it would happen, or maybe that it should happen, and I wanted to be alive to see it.”

I swallowed the burning lump in my throat. “I’m grateful, Hans, truly.” My eyes went up to the street. “Do you know where Mer lives? Where I can find her? I’m not letting her get away this time.”

“Good,” he said firmly. “I don’t know where she lives… but,” He stretched to look back at my house again, “I bet there’s a certain someone up there who does.”

The likely answer slammed into me: Piper the Viper.

“Let’s get back to the party, yeah?” he asked. “I wanna see little Lu open my present, alright?”

“Yeah.” I stood on shaky legs and helped him to his feet, my mind reeling from everything he just told me.

I’d have to plant a smile on my face the rest of the day, but I really wanted to demand her address and then drive like a madman over to her.

________

When I asked Piper for Mer’s address, she thankfully didn’t put up a fight, she just pulled it up on her phone and handed it to me, murmuring, “You’re not gonna like it.”

My chest tightened at her warning. “Like what?”

“Where she’s living,” she dropped.

Piper’s ominous words only fueled my anxiety, and I was thankful when people started saying their goodbyes and the party started dying down.

JP, Kappy, and Piper all stayed behind to help me clean.

Lucy, who had an awesome day with her little skating buddies, was completely wiped out. About five minutes into cleaning up, she fell asleep on the living room floor. I went to lift her, but Kappy pushed me aside. “Your shoulder, dude. I’ve got this.”

He gently placed her on the couch, and I covered her with a blanket.

“Hey dude.” Kappy clapped me on the back as I stared down at my daughter who looked so serene in her sleep. “I’ve got this. Go get her.”

JP, who was holding a trash bag while Piper dumped random discarded plates and cups in it, nodded. “Yeah, we’ve got this. Go.”

“Seriously.” Piper added with a hard edge to her voice. “I’m not leaving ‘til you bring her back.”

Swallowing hard, I grabbed my jacket and keys and tore out of the house.

After plugging her address in my truck, I drove straight into the heart of the city. I was surprised she chose to live in such a busy part of town considering the fact that she’d never been much of a city girl. As a teen she’d get stressed driving on an almost wide open highway, so I had trouble seeing her comfortable on these busy city streets.

At least her street, a quiet one-way lined with old trees, made a little more sense.

But the closer I came to her address on the GPS, the more my anxiety shot up. When I pulled my truck to a stop, my stomach sank. With its broken windows and cracked siding, the townhome she lived in was basically falling apart.

Climbing out of my truck and into the frigid night, I crossed the street to face the front door only to realize that this wasn’t even the right address.

Looking around, I quickly pieced together that she didn’t live in the main house, she lived in the basement apartment.

“You’re shitting me, Mer,” I mumbled to myself as I climbed down the narrow cement stairs.

Facing her front door, anger licked at me. There’s no fucking way she should’ve been living here alone. Knocking on the door, I noticed it was actually giving way a couple centimeters, alerting me that anyone walking by could easily break in.

“Mer, it’s me!” I pounded on the door. “Can I please come in?” I yelled, my breath hanging in the cold air.

Fuck. It hadn’t occurred to me until right then that she might not even be home.

Bolting back up the stairs, my eyes darted to cars parked on the street. A breath of relief punched out of me when I spotted her shitty Escape– that car, along with this apartment, needed to go.

Running my tongue over my teeth, I shook my head. So, she was here, she was just ignoring me. Not acceptable.

Hiking my shoulders up, I went back to the door and knocked again. “I’ll stay out here all night, Mer,” I warned. “And it’s pretty fuckin’ cold.”

That finally got her.

The door cracked slightly open, but she didn’t unlock the chain.

She silently faced me with a stone-cold look on her face, but her swollen eyes and blotchy neck gave her away, telling me she’d been crying.

My stomach bottomed out, but I forced myself to appear unaffected because she was clearly trying to cover it up.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I rocked back on my heels and asked, “Can I please come in? It’s a bit chilly.”

She stared at me for a beat, then moved like she was going to shut me out.

“Piper said she’s not leaving my house ‘til I bring you back,” I said quickly. “And I’m not sure how much longer my house will be left standing because Kappy’s there with her. I really like my house, Mer. Took me a long time to pick out.”

Rolling her eyes, she closed the door to undo the lock, then finally let me in.

The only problem was– her apartment wasn’t much warmer than outside.

“Why’s it so cold?” I toed off my boots on her welcome mat, taking note that she was bundled up in one of my old hoodies with a blanket wrapped around her.

She murmured something that sounded an awful lot like “heat broke.”

My jaw locked as my eyes surveyed the room. While there were touches of her placed around the shabby apartment in an attempt to revive it, the small space was ancient and dusty, not to mention freezing, which couldn't be good for her knee.

“Yeah, you’re not living here,” I told her matter-of-factly.

Her face cracked. “Yes, I am.”

“Yeah, no.” I frowned and shook my head. “Absolutely not. Get your clothes together or I'll do it for you.”

Her eyebrows slammed down. “No, Colt. I’m not leaving.”

A humorless laugh popped out of me as I strode to the thermostat to inspect it. “Wanna bet on that, sweetheart?”

“It’s not that bad,” she mumbled, not ready to give in yet.

“Yeah, sure.” I stalked over to her closet and threw it open. Just as I expected, her suitcase was tucked in the corner. Ripping it out, I started tearing things off the hangers and throwing them haphazardly in the suitcase.

“What are you doing?” she shrieked. “Stop it, Colt.” She grabbed up her clothes. “You can’t just bulldoze in here and boss me around. That’s not how this works.”

When I didn’t stop, she dropped her clothes and shoved at my chest, but I didn’t budge an inch.

Squaring my shoulders, I met her angry scowl head on. Both of our bodies practically radiated frustration. She was so close to me, yet there was so much distance between us, and I hated it.

I flexed my jaw to settle my breathing. “Oh, I am going to boss you around, Mer, because the last time I didn't…” I almost lost you. I scrubbed a hand over my jaw. “You better get used to it because I'm not going anywhere. And you don’t want me to go anywhere either, do you?” I challenged her. “Tell me to leave and I’ll leave, Mer.” I pointed to her door.

She looked so angry that I felt a flicker of panic over the possibility that she really would tell me to get lost.

Instead, we just silently glared at each other.

Her nose flared before she spun around and fell down on her bed. She grabbed up her pillow and covered her face before releasing a frustrated scream.

Knowing that she wasn’t sending me packing made me want to celebrate in triumph. The tension flew out of my body, and I couldn’t help it, a laugh popped out of me.

Bad mistake.

Her head popped up from the pillow and her eyes flamed. “You did not just laugh at me, you fucking asshole.”

A second later, her little body charged at me, but I easily bear hugged her so she couldn’t use her arms and lifted her off her feet.

“Glad we’re finally getting our fight, just didn’t think it’d be physical,” I joked, but she didn’t find it funny at all.

“Put me down. Right. Now,” she demanded, her body wriggling against mine.

Doing as she asked, I dumped her on her twin-size bed, then gingerly sat on the edge of it.

The only sound that filled her apartment was our tense breathing while we both cooled down. Regret swam through my head. I didn’t come here to argue with her. I came here to make things better.

After a couple minutes, I went to pull her legs into my lap, but she jolted away from me, and it felt like a knife to the heart because that reaction had seemingly eased away lately.

The devastation on her face mirrored my own.

“I didn’t mean it,” she said in a pained voice. Taking my hand, she placed it back on her. “I’m sorry. It’s not because of you,” she choked out.

Who? Who is it because of? The question was at the tip of my tongue, but I forced myself to swallow it down. Deep down. Because I was afraid to know. The ensuing anger would be hard to control.

My jaw clenched. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize to me, Mer,” I said gruffly, smoothing my hand over her sweatpants.

Her body seemed to sag with exhaustion as the fight left her body. She stared at me with her ocean blue eyes. “I’m sorry I ran at you.”

My mouth tugged up at the corner. “I’m sorry I laughed at you.”

“Can you come here?” she asked quietly, patting the bed beside her. Her body raked with a shiver.

Thank God. Laying down, I tucked her body close to mine so we faced each other. I needed to see her face for this conversation. Reaching down, I pulled her fluffy blankets over the both of us. She was insane if she thought I was letting her stay here.

“This bed is way too small,” I gruffed. My feet were hanging off the bottom of it. Brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, I asked, “Can we talk now?”

She reached out and held my face, her thumb smoothed under my eye, just like she’d done countless times in our younger years. The tender movement from the past stirred up old memories, reminding me how lucky I was to be here in the present with her.

“I suppose we should,” she said with a deep breath.

My eyes danced over every detail of her face– her soft pink lips, the slight notch in her nose that made her look angular but delicate all at the same time, her pale skin set against her stormy eyes– memorizing it, cataloging it, hoping to God this wouldn’t be the end of the line for us.

“The last time I didn’t chase you, everything fell apart,” I choked out. “And I'm not risking that again. I keep thinking about how everything went wrong so I can avoid making the same mistakes, but it’s driving me insane because it's not adding up. We have to revisit the past, Mer. Just one time, I'll never ask you to do it ever again. But I think…” I rubbed my forehead. “I think we’re currently operating on two different versions of what happened. We need to untangle it so we can keep our version of after, baby.”

Closing her eyes, she gave a tight nod.