3. Meredith - Him - present day
The group lesson went well. Really well. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but this was the best lesson I’d had since I started here two weeks ago.
As a new coach here, I had to give free trial lessons in order to gain students. It was a great way to make sure it was the right fit for both the students and the coach. But honestly, I’d take on anyone as a student these days because I needed to be able to pay my rent at the end of the month.
And I really wanted this to work out.
No, I needed this to work out.
I was desperate to avoid having to move back in with my parents at 31. Sure, they would welcome me back with open arms, which I was extremely grateful for, but… Having to do that would just make it feel like… like I failed. Which, I guess I did in some ways. But I made peace with those shortcomings. Besides, my parents were now living in a retirement complex near the beach in Florida– not exactly a hub for competitive figure skating.
I had to keep moving forward.
To bigger and brighter things.
This was my fresh start in Chicago.
I just needed a couple students to take a chance on me– maybe these three girls would.
Two of the girls, Charlotte and Sophia, were seemingly already friends, but they included the other girl, Lucy, very quickly and with such kindness that I wanted to tell their parents they should be proud.
Lucy was quieter, and she was absolutely adorable with her short dark hair worn in tiny pigtails. Something about her warm brown eyes and the smattering of little freckles across the bridge of her nose seemed so damn familiar, but I couldn’t quite place why.
All three girls were extremely excited to work on spins, which was a great sign. You could weed out kids who weren’t interested in the sport pretty quickly, but not these three. They weren’t looking at the clock and counting down the minutes until they could get off the ice or complaining about how cold they were. No, they were actually enjoying their time out here, carefully listening to my instructions, and cheering each other on. And the way they were high-fiving and complimenting each other completely warmed my heart.
I knew I’d have to try to talk the parents into taking private lessons after this session, but maybe group lessons would be a good idea for this trio.
When the rink’s buzzer went off, I skated with the girls to the boards, then tracked each girl as she ran to a parent.
With shaky hands, I adjusted my scarf to hide my itchy neck and straightened my jacket. I hated this part– talking with parents. I fully knew what I was talking about when it came to figure skating– hell, I’d been a professional skater touring with different groups for almost a decade– but nerves made me freeze up and sound like a bumbling idiot.
Get it over with, Mer. There’s no reason to be nervous. It’s not like you’re skating in a competition right now, you’re just talking , I told myself.
Squaring my shoulders, I walked toward where Lucy ran first. She had the most natural talent and potential in my opinion.
She tugged on a man’s hand, her dad, I assumed. Lucy was on the tiny side for her age, so it was surprising to see that her dad had such a large presence– he had to be at least 6’3, and it was obvious that he had an impressive build even under the hoodie and jacket combo he was wearing. His dark brown hair fanned out a little under his baseball hat and he carried himself in a way that was all too familiar, good posture, solid thighs, telling me he must’ve been a hockey player at one point– after growing up in a rink, it was easy to pick out. He gave into Lucy’s pull and slowly turned.
My stomach dropped through the floor.
My brain pretty much short-circuited. My body went stock-still, paralyzed in shock, while my heart raced like I’d just been struck by a bolt of lightning.
His dark eyes scanned over me, and he rubbed his scruff-covered jaw, giving nothing away.
“Meredith Bennet,” he said in a voice like gravel, his jaw clenching.
Everything I was about to say fell right out of my mind and it felt like I lost the ability to breathe. How? Why? What?
“Her name is Coach Mer,” Lucy quietly corrected him with a smile.
Her little voice snapped me out of my trance.
I closed my dry-as-hell mouth and forced a swallow. I knew what I was supposed to be saying, but questions bombarded my brain.
What the hell was Colt doing here?
Colt had a child ?
When?
Well, I guess five years ago…
Who was the mother?
Oh fuck.
Colt got married.
Why did knowing that hurt so bad?
It would be dumb to think he was single. He was handsome. An NHL player. In his thirties. Why wouldn’t he move on?
But how could he move on?
Because I couldn’t, a small voice in my heart cried out.
“Did you see my spin?!” Lucy asked, practically bouncing up and down with excitement. “Coach Mer says I’m a natural!”
Get it the fuck together, Meredith, I internally screamed at myself. You need students. You need this job.
“Lucy is a natural,” I forced out as professionally as I could. “If she wants private lessons, which she’s an excellent candidate for, you could talk with the front office, and…”
Except Colt wasn’t listening to me. He was holding the brim of his hat and reaching inside the back pocket of his jeans.
I stole the opportunity to quickly study him as he pulled out his wallet.
I hadn’t seen him in, what… a decade? Not since I was a 21-year-old gunning for the Olympics.
He was still so familiar, but so not .
Part of me desperately wanted to reach out and hug him, fall into him, breathe in his warmth. His strong arms would come around me and anchor me, just like they used to. I could relax. With him holding me, the world would stop spinning and I could give up for a minute.
It was so tempting.
But no.
My cold muscles locked up. I didn’t dare move even an inch closer.
I couldn’t.
And the reality of that stung.
How was it that I grew up with him? That I used to know him. That I used to touch him. I used to want him so badly, and I was lucky enough to be wanted right back.
We’d been mirrors of each other, to the point that I could basically read his mind at one point in time, hear his voice in my head, know exactly what he was thinking, and it was the same for him.
We completely understood each other.
Until we didn’t.
This person in front of me now was a far cry from the happy-go-lucky boy I once knew.
He was a man. A solid man. Way larger than he used to be, with more facial hair, a stronger jawline, and harder eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder if his touch would still feel the same.
Before I could say anything else, he extended out a $100 bill. The move felt jarring. My hand accepted the bill before my brain caught up to what was happening.
“Oh.” Looking down at the bill, my eyebrows tugged together. “T-today’s free,” I stammered, shaking my head. “It was just a trial lesson, so…” I tried to hand it back.
He didn’t speak until I finally met his eyes. That piercing gaze of his caused a flurry in my stomach.
A muscle in his jaw ticked and his eyebrows tugged together. His eyes darted over me, and his mouth moved like he wanted to say something, but as soon as I pulled at the collar of my jacket, his entire frame stiffened.
Looking down at the bill between us, he cleared his throat. “Not what that’s for, Bennett.” With a sad smirk, he turned on his heel and stalked away.
I stood there gaping at the money. The realization slowly and painfully seeped into me, crushing me.
“Bye Coach Mer!” Lucy happily called out, completely and blissfully ignorant of the fact that my entire fresh outlook on life here in Chicago just shattered.
This was just a reminder.
I couldn’t run from my past.
I couldn’t start over.
My breathing went raged.
It was too late.
It hurt too bad.
The mistakes I made were permanent ones. I didn’t realize at the time I was making them that they’d have such a lasting impact, but no one ever does, right? I didn’t realize they’d haunt me forever, that I’d still be reeling from the repercussions a full decade later.
Whirling around on my heel, I immediately marched back into the rink and pulled at my scarf, because it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I needed air. Cold air.
Plopping down on one of the benches, I gasped for breath.
Why the hell would he throw it in my face like this? He had no right to just… to just…
Ugh.
My eyes burned. I immediately buried my face in my scarf to hide the evidence.
Breathe. Just fucking breathe, Meredith, I ordered myself. In three, out three, it’s not that hard.
I could not afford to fall apart just because I saw an ex-boyfriend from forever ago. I was a 31-year-old woman, for crying out loud, I needed to get my shit together.
He wasn’t just an ex though, a small voice argued. He was… the love of my fucking life.
I wanted to fall down in a heap and cry for three to five business days. I wanted to–
“Ms. Bennett,” a raspy voice cut into my mental tailspin. I knew who it was from that title alone. Hans had been calling me “Ms. Bennett” since I was a little kid learning to skate in tiny new-to-me Riedell boots back at Centre Ice in Michigan.
I slowly looked up to see Hans’ old frame leaning against a mop. He was the rink manager here, so I knew his job description did not include mopping, but no job was ever too small for him. He moved here to Chicago a few years ago, then he helped my best friend, Piper, get a job coaching here, and then me. He was a grumpy old man, but he had a heart of gold, and I think he always had a soft spot for me. And for Colt. My poor tattered heart.
He regarded me with a stern look. “You got this,” he said softly, then he pointed with a shaky finger to the other little girls’ mothers. “You got a job to do, Ms. Bennett.”
Blowing out a shaky breath, I nodded at him.
He was right.
I needed to get my ass moving if I was going to be able to stay working here… if I was going to be able to stay in Chicago at all. Then again, maybe I didn’t want to stay here anymore. Maybe this was a sign that I should pack up my shit and hightail it to a different city.
With the heel of my hand, I wiped the corners of my eyes and quickly boxed up all thoughts of Colt and his serious eyes for later.
But when I walked back into the warm lobby, Colt was already talking to the two other mothers.
I couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but I heard murmurings of “trying a new rink.”
And that hurt.
It was one thing to not want me coaching his own daughter, but to take other potential students away from me was just cruel. Not all of us had the luxury of securing million-dollar-contracts from the hard work we put into the rink. Some of us had absolutely nothing to show for our blood, sweat, and tears.
My body shook with rage. I wanted to march up to him and yell at him, put him back in his place, throw the $100 back at his stupid chest and argue that what happened between us was not all on me.
But… I was rooted to the spot.
Balling my hands in fists, I tried one more time to build myself up. Go over there, stand up for yourself, Mer.
Colt’s eyes slowly drifted to mine.
He looked expectant, like he was ready for a fight… Like he wanted a fight.
But…
I couldn’t do it.
I just couldn't.
My shoulders deflated.
God. I was pathetic.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I turned on the heel of my blade and quickly marched back to the coaches’ locker room and punched in the key code.
Lockers and benches lined the small room. Only Piper was currently in here, thank God, because I didn’t want to share my big fat loss of a day with anyone else. While it was rare for figure skaters to even talk to each other outside the rink, I’d been lucky enough to make two lifelong friends back at Centre Ice– Piper, an ice dancer, and Ali, a freestyle girl. I think it helped that we never viewed each other as competition because we were focused on different disciplines.
“Any bites?” Piper asked in a hopeful tone while unlacing her skates.
“Doubtful.” I plopped on the wooden bench and leaned back against my locker, not wanting to unlace my skates just yet. My eyes shuddered closed against the memory of Colt’s serious gaze.
How the hell did it still hurt to see him after all these years?
I just wish I’d known he was here in Chicago so I would’ve been prepared. Because seeing him out of the blue like that– and with a daughter– was like being hit by a freight train.
I’d heard murmurings of him through the years, seen pictures of him in random rinks across the country, heard his name in sports bars when hockey was blaring on TV… Each time was like a bittersweet tug on my heart. I was happy he was living out his dreams, but I couldn’t lie– I was jealous. Because there were no reminders of me haunting his life. My name and face weren’t plastered anywhere. I was an anonymous skater, wearing different costumes with different tours over the last decade. In Paris, I was Rapunzel. On the Asian leg, I was Belle. On a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, I was skater #3 wearing an exotic feather dress.
While touring had been fun at times, especially on the rare occasion that Ali and I managed to get hired for the same shows, the payment was basically just being able to see the world– which had been great with me… Until my mind and body started breaking down. When that happened, I was tired of not having a home base, of not having someone to lean on. During those long nights, I finally let myself admit that I was lonely.
So when I left my last tour, I was on a mission to build a life for myself.
Today just showed me how far behind I was.
Colt built a family.
He had a daughter. A kid daughter. Not a baby.
He probably had a wife and a house too.
All the stuff we talked about, all our teenage dreams… He accomplished them with someone else.
I could practically feel my poor fucking heart breaking into more pieces.
I rubbed my temples. I just wish I would’ve known. I wish I wouldn’t have stopped myself from ever looking him up. Because if I’d known he was playing in Chicago, there’s no way I would’ve chosen to settle here.
I guess it was for the best that he didn’t schedule any more lessons for his daughter. I wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing his wife. It’d hurt too badly. Seeing all my what-ifs come to life for some other lucky woman. Seeing that he was able to move on after us when I had to struggle to even entertain another guy’s touch and interest would… It would kill me.
“Knee okay?” Piper asked, her voice laced with concern.
“Yeah.” I hadn’t even realized I was rubbing it. “It’s fine,” I said, even though it was sore. It was always sore, but I was finding that it hurt worse after coaching. Because when skating by myself, I was moving around, keeping my blood moving, staying warm. With coaching, I was just standing on the ice and practically freezing on the spot. Now I understood why Iryna used to bundle up in such heavy coats. Pretty sure I lost feeling of my toes an hour ago and I knew they’d start burning as soon as I took my skates off.
“Well, I coulda sworn they had a fun lesson,” Piper said, pulling a fleece headband out of her white-blonde hair. “Those girls were all smiles. That little one with the ballet sweater and pigtails was so adorable. She looked like the little girl from Monsters Inc,” she said with a snort. “You really don’t think they’ll want lessons?”
I swallowed the burning lump in my throat. “Not from me.”
Piper’s eyes snapped to mine. “Oh? Why not?
I chewed the inside of my cheek, trying to decide how much to tell her. There’s no way she could have known he was here. She never would’ve let me be blindsided like that. “Did you see the little one’s dad?”
“I mean, only the back of him.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”
My mouth felt like it was coated with ash. I long ago banned his name from my vocabulary. “Colt,” I practically choked out. “That was Colt’s daughter.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Colt? The Colt? As in Colton Conover?”
I nodded slowly. “Yupp. And he was talking to the other mothers, saying they should all go to a different rink. “
Her jaw angled to the side and she instantly popped off the bench, ready to march out and defend my honor. “That little piece of–”
“No,” I pleaded, grabbing her arm to pull her back down. “I don’t want a confrontation.”
“Well, I fucking do.” Her eyes bulged. “He really said that?”
“It’s fine.” I shook my head. “It’s for the best if they go somewhere else.”
Her face softened. “It’s really not, Mer. You’re the best coach he’s gonna get. He’d be lucky to have you coaching his daughter, and we all know that.”
I gave her a glum smile in thanks.
Her eyes darted to the door. “You’re really sure you don’t want me to go out there and rip him a new one? I’d enjoy it,” she said firmly.
I knew she would, and that made a sad laugh pop out of my chest. “No, it’s okay. Really. Thank you.”
She slowly sat back down and pulled her legs up onto the bench so she could rub out her calves. “Well, what’re we gonna do?”
We.
It was nice to hear. It made it feel like I wasn’t so alone down here in the metaphorical dumps. That’s why I thought settling in Chicago would be good– because at least Piper and I had each other. I was just so sick of being alone all the time.
I shrugged.
“Well, it looks like you got paid at least?” she said, pointing to the crisp $100 bill I was still holding.
I immediately shoved the money at her, not wanting to hold it anymore. I wasn’t sure if she remembered the significance of it, but I wasn’t about to rehash it. Saying it aloud would surely make me break down and I was already struggling to keep my resolve. I’d walked out of the rink too many times with red-rimmed eyes.
“Drinks?” she asked, tucking the money away in her pocket. “Couldn’t hurt?”
“It probably could,” I lamented, remembering the last time she met me out on tour and we went to the bars. It started with a group of finance bros flirting with us and ended with Piper being hauled out of the bar by a bouncer, her limbs flailing, because she was trying to “burn down the patriarchy.” In her defense, the finance bros started it when one of them grabbed her butt without permission.
“Eh, you’re right, but I say we do it anyway,” she said, nudging my shoulder. “Let’s get out of here and do something with this money that he would absolutely hate. We’ll make him rue the day.” She held up her fist.
I rolled my eyes, but a small smile tugged at my lips over how she was trying to cheer me up. “What’d you have in mind?”
“Let’s go blow it on fruity drinks at the bar, then make out with some hot guys,” she said, wagging her eyebrows.
Despite the hurt in my chest, I laughed. “That man wouldn’t care if I made out with a hundred guys.”
“Hmmm,” she said ominously. “I don’t know about that.”
“He wouldn't, Piper,” I said dejectedly. “He moved on. Clearly,” I breathed out, trying to clear his stupidly handsome face from my mind.
“Is he still hot?”
I dropped my face in my hands and groaned. Yes. Yes, he was . How was it that he became even more attractive? The boy version of him could’ve starred in teen movies. The man version of him put Greek god statues to shame. Just one look from him made my lower stomach flutter and I’d been practically dead in that region for a very long time.
She arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “He has a daughter, but did he have a ring?”
I smoothed my hands over my face and shot her a get-real look. Of course he was married. What woman in her right mind would let him get away?
Oh, yeah. Me .
But I wasn’t exactly the picture of mental health.
“He could totally be–”
“Doesn’t matter. I really don’t want to think about him, P,” I said, hoping she’d drop it.
“Okay, okay,” she held her hands up in innocence. “Just one more question, then I’ll drop it. How was ‘The Conman’?” She rolled her eyes and used air-quotes around the nickname the hockey world dubbed him for his impressive trick-shot goals. “Was he surprised, angry, sad, nonchalant?”
“He was…” I breathed out and thought about the way his jaw clenched and his eyes bore into me. “He was pissed off.” It was pretty obvious. His body practically radiated frustration. “But that’s just because he didn’t want me coaching his daughter,” I added quickly.
Piper snorted. “I really don’t know about that, Mer.”