13. Colt - Still Hurts

Coach called me in for a Captain meeting early on Wednesday to go over some game tape and ask my thoughts on a couple of our rookies.

By the time we finished our meeting, I had a weird hour gap before team workouts, so I made my way to the weight room to get in some time on the bike.

I was just rounding the corner of the locker room hallway when I plowed into someone. I instantly knew it was her. Her hair. Her perfume.

She let out a hiss at the contact and stumbled to the side. I caught her around her waist to steady her. Two pills were knocked out of her hand and tumbled to the ground.

Fear snaked down my spine as my eyes darted to the pills. Without thinking, I immediately grabbed them up and inspected them. My chest loosened with intense relief when I saw they were just Tylenol.

“I don’t know if you still wanna use those.” I handed them back with a wince. Hockey players were known to spit on the locker room hallway floor.

Mer’s face screwed up in irritation, but she masked it a second later with professional blankness. She was on her skates, but she still only barely came up to my shoulders. It was kind of funny how she’d stayed the same height since we met, but I felt much larger than her now.

“You alright?” My eyes scanned over her like I’d be able to tell why she needed painkillers.

“Yeah, fine,” she said, adjusting her scarf.

My jaw locked and I had to look away. “I hate that,” I bit out.

“Yeah, well, I’m not too crazy about it either,” she said softly.

“That I make you nervous, Mer,” I clarified. “I hate that I’m the reason.”

“You’re not,” she answered too quickly.

I arched a skeptical eyebrow.

“You’re not,” she said, doubling-down.

I took a step closer, right into her personal space. Her body went taut with tension as she watched me with those clear eyes of hers. I waited for her to back away. When she didn’t, I moved the curtain of dark hair off her shoulder and pulled down her scarf. Red and blotchy, just like I thought. “Mmhmm.”

She rolled her eyes. A second later, she was trying to side-step me.

My heart pounded in my chest as I stepped in her way. I needed her to stay. We needed to talk.

“JP says we should scream at each other,” I said abruptly.

Her light eyes flicked to mine. “Do you want to scream at me?”

We were facing each other in a rink locker room hallway, hundreds of miles and years away from the one we first met in.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“I should scream at you ,” she said, then immediately buttoned up and looked away.

I smirked, amused that she was showing so much emotion here in the rink, because I knew she hated it. “Why’s that?”

“ Not what that’s for, Bennett, ” she mocked me– totally breaking her professional facade. Then she straightened up and shook her head. “Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does,” I said with a wry chuckle. “Maybe I wanted to fight. I was surprised you didn’t. It’s not like you to back down like that.”

“It’s not?” The way she was looking at me, probing for an answer, it was like she was seriously wondering.

“Not like… the you I knew.”

She nodded and released a shaky breath. “Yeah well, maybe I haven’t been her for a long time.”

“Maybe I miss her.” The words popped out of me automatically, but I didn’t regret them.

She stared at me for a second, then she shook her head. “I can’t do this.”

She turned to leave, but I knew I couldn’t let her. We couldn’t leave it like this between us. That tightrope we were walking just snapped and there was no going back.

“Don’t just walk away, Mer, please. We need to talk.”

“I know,” she said warily. She pushed through into the warm lobby. “I just… I need to sit down.”

She plopped on one of the benches and started rubbing out her knee. Her eyes closed and her delicate jaw hardened, like she was gritting her teeth to bear the pain. Guilt lanced through me. I should’ve known she was hurting. She was trying to take fucking painkillers when I found her.

“It still hurts you?” I asked.

“No,” she grunted.

I snorted. It was just such a Mer response that I couldn’t help it. I silently sat down beside her, giving her space to talk, hoping she would. That’s how it always worked between us when we were younger– if I waited her out long enough, she’d eventually spill her thoughts.

“It’s just been acting up since I’ve been coaching,” she said. “I think I’m getting too cold in the rink from not moving enough.”

“You should go in if it’s hurting. There are probably things you could do.”

Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. “And what if this is hurting me, Colt?” Her face pinched. “Seeing you.”

I flinched at her words. I knew the feeling.

“I keep waiting for the shoe to drop and for you to come talk about the past, but I can’t do it,” she said quickly. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry if you need to, but it’s not…It’s not good for me.” Her voice sounded strangled. “So if that’s the only reason you’re having me coach Lucy, I just–”

“It’s not,” I blurted out.

She paused. “Okay.” Her hands were nervously trembling. I had to squelch the urge to reach out and hold them in mine. “I think I can be a good coach for her, I really want to be. But the only way we can do this is if we both agree to move forward and just be the people right in front of each other. If you can’t do that, then–”

“I can do that,” I said quickly, trying to put her at ease.

While I hated the pain in her voice, hearing it clicked something into place for me.

Hans’ words echoed in my head– I think you have some things wrong, son.

The way Mer was acting didn’t match up with the narrative I’d had in my head all these years. There’s no way she discarded me, us, without feeling. It was obvious that she hurt over it too, and knowing that had to be enough for me.

“Moving forward sounds good,” I finally said.

She continued rubbing her knee and nodded. “Thank you. I really want this, Colt. To be a good coach here.”

I nodded. “I’d bet on you.”

She gave me a rueful smile.

I should’ve gotten up and left right then, but I hated the way she was clutching her knee. I still had an overwhelming urge to fix everything for her. “Can I?” I asked, gesturing to her knee.

She blew out a sigh, a pained expression on her face. “You want to?”

I moved closer. The second I reached to touch her knee, she jolted away, like she was afraid of my touch, and it felt like a stab to the chest.

“Sorry, I… reflex.” Her face scrunched like she was about to cry. “You don’t have to–”

“Not gonna hurt you,” I said calmly, my voice thick. I gently took her small knee in my hands and started massaging the way I’d seen team physical therapists handle knees in the training room.

It was the first time I touched her in forever, but it still felt so natural. I knew every inch of her body at one point in time. It bothered me that I didn’t know this part of her, this pain that she seemingly walked around with.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and I could feel her muscles finally let go and relax.

When she released a breathy little moan, a jolt of lust shot straight to my groin. I grit my teeth. I shouldn’t have been touching her. Not when something as simple as this used to start something physical between us. Not when my body still wanted her beyond all reason. A slew of images flashed in my mind. I felt the rush of an urge to pull her across my lap, wrap my arms around her and make out right there on the bench. I imagined it would feel so natural. So right. I wouldn’t be cock-blocked with guilt because it was her; she was the one, my one. I wanted it so badly. But I had to bring myself back down to this reality.

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

“It’s no problem.” I cleared my throat, trying to get a handle on myself. “Can JP take a look?”

“JP?” Her eyebrows pulled together.

“Yeah, he went to school for physical therapy. He wants to do that once he retires from hockey. He’s pretty good at it, just don’t tell him I said that.” It was the truth, and his knowledge came in handy a lot when we were younger and we had to hide injuries so we wouldn’t get skipped in the lineup and lose our shot.

“Wow, good for him.”

“Yeah, he shaped up, eh?”

“I’d say all three of you did.” She gave a soft smile and I detected a smidge of wistfulness. “It’s nice that you guys are still close.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if ‘nice’ is the right word,” I joked. “The two of them are over my house almost every day. Won't leave me and Lu alone.”

She laughed lightly and it still had the same musical lilt to it. The bittersweetness hit me like a truck.

“Maybe JP can help you though,” I pushed, not wanting to change the subject.

“I don’t…” Her eyes dropped down, like she was embarrassed. “I can’t pay for it right now.”

“It’s JP.” My eyebrows tugged together. “He’ll do it for free.”

“I don’t need handouts.” She kept her eyes trained on the rubber floor in front of us.

“I know you don’t,” I said. “Sorry, I just… I need to know you’re okay.” My thumb brushed over her knee and she shivered slightly. Part of me wanted to yell out in triumph that my touch still affected her.

“Why?” She swallowed and shook her head. “It’s not your problem.”

It could be though , a voice in my head wanted to argue. I couldn’t be there for her when it happened and something in me still desperately wanted to be her protector.

But if I said all that, I had a feeling she’d pull away. Instead, I settled on, “Lucy needs her coach on her feet.”

She gave a small smile and nodded, but she wouldn’t meet my eyes again. I didn’t want to leave her here alone, but I knew she was dismissing me.

“Okay, well, I'll see you,” I mumbled before standing.

I stole one last glance at her before heading up to the weight room.

As I plowed through the rest of my day, my mind was still back at that bench with Mer. I wasn’t sure if it was the interaction that rattled me, but I felt weirdly off-balanced the rest of the day.