Chapter 48

48

DEAN

I hadn't seen Sarah in two weeks. Every day that passed felt like waking up in hell. Every morning it was my first thought. It was a mantra. She was my student. She was off-limits. What happened was in the past and could not happen again. I was trying to make peace with the fact that it was over between us. It was for the best. I missed her more than I could say, but dwelling on it wasn't going to help either of us.

I thought about Sarah and wondered how she'd been doing. Did she think about me as much as I thought about her? Did she miss me? Miss us? Was she flying better? Was she improving like her father wanted? Did she regret losing me? If given another chance, would she choose me over her career?

I gave my head a shake. Thinking like that wouldn't get me anywhere.

Mo had removed me as Sarah's mentor, leaving me in limbo, wondering what my next move would be. There was a lot to think about. Every single day since about the time I was ten I knew I wanted to be a fighter pilot. I knew it like I knew the sky was blue. But now, I didn't feel that same sense of certainty.

Seeing Sarah in passing was a cruel torture that reminded me of what we had and what we had lost. Her eyes would flicker with recognition and sadness before she quickly looked away. I longed to reach out, to hold her, but the fear of breaking the rules was always in the back of my mind.

I found myself losing focus during training exercises. When I got pulled away from training, I supposed I should have seen that as a good thing. I wasn't fit to train or teach anyone. I was sidelined. I felt bitter about the situation. I never wanted to be here in the first place. I didn't ask for the assignment. Despite the way things turned out, I didn't regret it.

With nothing else to do except wait to find out what the military was going to do with me, I headed to the bar to help Jude. At least that was what I was pretending I was going to do. In reality, I needed to get out of the duplex. I found myself hiding away from everyone. I didn't want to risk running into Sarah. It was too awkward.

I walked into the bar that was relatively empty. Jude was sitting on one of the bar stools with his calculator out. He looked up when he saw me. "You're here early," he said.

I shrugged and walked behind the bar to pour myself a beer. "I'm either here or sitting in my living room waiting for the MPs to show up."

Jude took a swig of his beer, giving me a sidelong glance. "You've been moping around for weeks. It's time to get back in the saddle."

"I'm not moping," I grumbled, though I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. "Just figuring things out. More like I'm waiting for Mo to figure shit out for me because I'm just a pawn in this game."

"As in?" he asked.

I sighed and took a seat on one of the stools. "Mo pulled me off Sarah's training. All training as a matter of fact. Now I'm just waiting for the next assignment, but the waiting is killing me. I'm expecting to be sent to Siberia."

He chuckled. "Dress warm."

As if on cue, my phone buzzed with an email notification. I pulled it out and saw the sender. I took a moment. This was it. This was the moment I learned my fate. It was transfer paperwork. My eyes widened as I read the details. I was being transferred to London, like I had originally wanted before all this happened.

"London?" I muttered, my mind racing. "I'm being transferred to London."

Jude's eyebrows shot up. "London, huh? Your original plan."

"Yeah," I murmured.

"That's a hell of a long way from here," he said.

I nodded. "About as far as I can get."

"Maybe it's a good thing. The distance will do you some good. You'll forget about the girl, meet a beautiful Londoner, and move on with your life."

I highly doubted that. "Yeah, maybe," I said, though my heart wasn't in it.

A follow-up email came through. It included more information. I was leaving in four days. Four days to get my shit together.

It didn't take a genius to figure out Mo had a hand in this. He wanted me as far away from his daughter as possible. He'd obviously been working behind the scenes to get me out of the country as quickly as possible.

"Four days," I said aloud, still trying to wrap my head around it. "I report for duty in four days."

Jude clapped me on the back. "You knew it was coming."

"Yeah, I did," I said. "Four fucking days. Shit. He could have given me a little more time."

"You think he did it on purpose?" Jude asked. "He wanted to throw you off your game."

"I wouldn't doubt it a bit." I sighed. "I had mentioned I bought furniture and stuff. He knows I'm not traveling as light as I used to. I'm sure this was his way of trying to fuck with me."

"I wouldn't worry too much about the furniture." Jude laughed. "London has plenty of that."

"That's not the point." I took a swig from my beer. "It's mine. Now I've got to get it into storage or sell it for pennies to get rid of it quickly. I just bought the shit. Margaret got everything else. This was supposed to be my chance to start over."

"Put it in storage." He shrugged. "You're not going to be in London forever."

"I have a feeling I am a pawn on Mo's chessboard. He's going to move me around the world as he sees fit. If Sarah gets stationed in the UK or a neighboring base, I'm going to be shipped back here. My assignments are going to be dependent on where she is. We're not going to be allowed to be on the same continent."

"You're a lot younger than Mo," Jude said. "He'll retire soon."

"Yeah, but how soon is soon?" I asked, frustration washing over me. I glanced at my phone again, the details of my transfer still displayed on the screen. London, the city of my dreams that now seemed more like a prison. How was I going to live in London and not think about Sarah? I was going to be replaying every minute of our time together there.

Jude finished his drink. "You can't let Mo dictate your life," he said, glancing at me sideways. "You're more than a pawn in his game. You know that, right?"

I nodded absently, my mind still reeling from the news. "I do," I admitted. "But right now, it sure doesn't feel like it. He's got ten times the pull I do. Sarah doesn't have an option either."

"You could bounce out," he said as a joke.

I looked at him. "I could."

He laughed. "I was joking. You're not going to walk away."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," I said.

"Have you talked with Sarah at all?"

I shook my head. "No. Not since the day we ended things."

He grinned as he slid a fresh beer across the bar. "You mean the day he tried to lay you out."

"Very funny."

Jude laughed. "You have to admit, it was pretty surprising. Old Mo getting riled up enough to throw a punch. Just shows how protective he is of Sarah."

"Hardly a virtue," I grumbled, staring at the foam dissolving on the top of my fresh beer. "More like a curse for both of us."

"Either way, are you going to tell Sarah?" Jude asked, shifting slightly on his stool.

"About London? I'm not sure," I admitted. "Part of me wants to just disappear and let her wonder. But another part wants to call her right now, tell her everything. I guess I still care too much about her to let her find out from someone else."

"Sounds like you've got your answer then," Jude said quietly.

"No, Jude, it's not that simple," I replied, my gaze fixed on the beer in front of me. "Telling her might make the parting harder for her. Or worse, it might not affect her at all." My hands tightened around the cold glass. "And we said we weren't going to have anything to do with each other anymore. We can't. I'm not going to risk ruining her reputation. If the gossip gets going, they are going to assume she gets ahead by sleeping with superiors. You know what that kind of thing does to a young woman."

I could see the understanding in Jude's eyes. We'd seen it happen to others, good people with good ranks in the service, brought down because an idle tongue found its way into someone else's ear—or somewhere else it didn't belong.

"Yeah," he said, his voice softer now. "I get it."

He moved behind the bar to serve a few customers. I wondered if there would be a way for me to say goodbye to her. I told myself to leave it. Leave things the way they were. Nothing good could come from seeing her again. It would only cause us both pain. It would be a reminder of what we could not have.

The bar started filling up with the evening crowd. I got up to help Jude. We worked together, serving the crowd that typically came in after work. It helped distract me. After the rush, I took my seat once again, sipping water now.

"You need to stop beating yourself up over this," Jude said, breaking into my thoughts. "You did what you had to do. Sometimes, things just don't work out."

"Yeah, but that doesn't make it suck any less," I replied, my voice tinged with bitterness.

Jude nodded, his expression sympathetic. "I get it, man. But London's a fresh start. You can put some distance between you and all this mess. Focus on your career. Maybe you'll even find someone new."

I scoffed. "Doubt it. Sarah's not someone you just get over."

"Maybe not. But you can't let it ruin your life either. You've got an incredible opportunity in front of you. Don't waste it. You wanted to go to London to put some space between you and your life here a few short months ago. I think you need to remember that."

I knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier. London was an amazing opportunity, but it also meant leaving behind everything familiar. And leaving behind any hope of seeing Sarah again.

"You're thinking too much," Jude said, leaning over the bar again. "It's done. You can't change who her daddy is. The only thing you can control is what you do next. You cannot stay in your job and have her. You'll probably never get Mo's approval. Move on. I say that as a friend. It's not like the two of you were all that serious. It might not seem like it, but you will get over it."

"Sounds so simple when you put it like that," I replied.

"Well, it is simple," he answered matter-of-factly. "Doesn't mean it's easy though."