Chapter 25

25

SARAH

T he rest of my fellow trainees and I stood on the tarmac, waiting to board our flight to Washington. There was a nervous excitement we all felt. We all knew we were going to get our asses handed to us. This would be the most physically and psychologically challenging part of our training. This was what would make or break each of us as pilots.

I had heard countless nightmares from those that made it and those that washed out. SERE training, otherwise known as survival, evade, resistance, and escape, was difficult for a reason. All my extra training with Dean had left me feeling in good physical shape, but I knew I had a slight disadvantage. I was easily the smallest person in our group. I needed to stay in a good headspace. There was always an end. I could suck it up and get through the hard stuff because I knew it would be over at some point. I knew I would have a hot meal, a hotter shower, and a comfortable bed once I got through hell.

We boarded our plane and settled in our seats. I glanced over at Kylee. Her knee bounced nervously, and she kept fidgeting with the edge of her seatbelt. "You okay?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

Kylee forced a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Just thinking about all those stories. You know, the ones about survival training. How intense it's going to be."

I nodded. "Yeah, I've heard my fair share of horror stories too. But hey, we've made it this far, right?"

Behind us, Clay and Rolley were engaged in their own conversation. I could hear Rolley's confident tone as he tried to reassure Clay. Poor Clay had already made three trips to the bathroom to throw up. The anticipation was getting to all of us in different ways.

"Hey, guys." I turned to face Clay and Rolley, forcing a smile, feeling the need to steady the churning sea of anxiety. "We've been through hard things before, right? It's just like any other test. We go in, do our best, make it through."

"But this one's different," Clay muttered, nervously tugging on his uniform. "They're going to drop us in the middle of nowhere with nothing. That's not like any test we've had before."

"It's designed to push our limits, sure," I conceded. "But remember they have trained us to do this. We have to go into this knowing we're going to kill it. Period. There is no room for failure."

"I just don't want to mess up," Kylee said.

"You won't," I assured her, though I couldn't shake the feeling of unease in my own stomach. "We've trained for this. We're ready. We're a team. We look out for each other, no matter what. We have to pull each other through."

Kylee nodded and managed a small smile. "Yeah," she said, her voice gaining a touch of confidence. "We've got this."

"We should play a game," Rolley suggested.

I rolled my eyes and snorted. "It's not like we can see license plates."

"Truth or Dare," Clay suggested.

I immediately knew that was a bad idea. I had too many truths that I had to protect at all costs. "We're not five," I said. "How about Would You Rather?" I offered. That was easier to lie.

The suggestion was met with a mix of agreement and relief. Clay started first. "Okay, would you rather… be stuck in the wilderness alone without any survival tools for a week or have to navigate through enemy lines with nothing but a map and compass?"

Kylee guffawed, her nervousness momentarily replaced by disbelief. "Both options sound only marginally more fun than walking on hot coals, Clay."

Ignoring her remark, we each pondered the question. I broke the silence first. "Wilderness," I decided. "At least then there's no actively hostile forces trying to kill me."

"Agreed," Rolley chimed in. "Being alone in the wilderness at least gives you the chance to figure out what you're doing. Less variables to account for."

Kylee nodded, still looking doubtful, but joining in nonetheless. "Sure, wilderness. I can handle solitude. It's people that are the problem."

Clay looked somewhat surprised at our collective agreement, not expecting us to choose the option of isolation so unanimously. He hesitated for a moment before finally nodding. "Yeah, wilderness it is," he said, running a hand through his already mussed hair.

"Okay, nothing to do with survival stuff," I said. "Would you rather lose the ability to read or never hear music again?"

Kylee's eyes widened. "No fair! That's like asking me to choose between breathing and eating!"

"Music, always," Rolley shot back without hesitation. "I'd rather have silence than a world without words."

Clay frowned, mulling over his options before finally saying, "Read. I'd miss music too much."

We continued playing the game until there was an announcement overhead, bringing our attention back to the reality of our situation. We would arrive at our destination within the hour.

Everyone went quiet, the game forgotten as we all fell into our own thoughts. The cabin was filled with a palpable tension, each of us dealing with our fears in our own way. Clay chewed his lower lip, his fingers drumming restlessly on the armrest. Rolley leaned back in his seat, eyes closed and lips muttering prayers under his breath. Kylee looked like she was going to puke. I had to admit I was feeling the nerves. I looked out the window and could see the forest in the distance.

We landed at the base in Washington and were herded off to our accommodations. The place was buzzing with energy. Groups from other bases were milling around, exchanging stories and sizing each other up. We were all here for the same reason—to prove ourselves.

I recognized a few faces from the academy. We quickly caught up with one another, talking about where we were stationed and how things were going for us. I had to admit, I felt pretty damn lucky I got to learn from the notorious Ryker. They were all jealous.

If they only knew.

We talked about some of our apprehensions about the training that started tomorrow. I felt like I needed to be the leader. I couldn't explain why, but they were all looking to me. Maybe because of who my father was or maybe because I had been a bit of a badass over the last few years. "If we can get through this, we can get through anything," I said. "Honestly, you won't have to be afraid of anything if you get through this."

Most of them nodded, though some still held on to their fears. Despite the daunting challenge ahead, I felt a strange sort of calm develop within me. Maybe what Ryker said had sunk in. I was stronger than I thought. If I could make Ryker tremble at my touch, I could do anything.

A large group showed up with a cooler full of beers. They wanted to shake off the nerves with a little liquid courage. I thought that was one of the dumber ideas, but I could handle a drink or two. I wanted my friends to relax. We all needed to get a good night's sleep. If they were stressed out, they weren't going to sleep.

Someone suggested beer pong. I joined in, eager for the distraction. The game was a blur of laughter and cheers. I dominated, as usual, my competitive spirit pushing me to win. But beneath the surface, my nerves were simmering. It was all starting to become very real.

By the end of the night, I was buzzed and needed to clear my head. I slipped away from the crowd and stepped out onto the balcony. The city lights spread out before me, twinkling like stars. I felt like I was standing on the edge of something huge, something life changing. The last time I felt this way was the night before my first day at the United States Air Force Academy. I was a different person then, greener, less sure of myself. But even now, with all my training and experience, the uncertainty was getting to me.

I was scared.

What if I couldn't hack the survival training? What if I washed out? I'd heard countless stories of aspiring pilots who couldn't make it and ended up in desk jobs or worse, leaving the Air Force altogether. What would my father think? The thought of disappointing him made my stomach churn. He was convinced I walked on water.

I swallowed hard, trying to push the doubts away. Would I still be the daughter he adored if I failed? Would I lose his favor? Would I tarnish our family name? The fear of everyone talking about how I couldn't hack it was almost too much to bear.

I did not want to disappoint my father. In my eyes, that was a fate worse than death. I didn't know how to exist if my father wasn't proud of me. Our whole connection was formed on the idea of me being a star in the Air Force and making him proud.

Just then, Kylee stepped out onto the balcony. "I've been looking for you. Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. "I just want to get through this part."

Kylee leaned on the railing beside me. She didn't say anything, just stared out at the city lights with me. It was a silent acknowledgment of our shared fears and hopes.

After a few minutes, she finally spoke. "You know, it's okay to be scared. It means you care about this."

I glanced at her, surprised. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's so much pressure."

Kylee nodded. "I feel it too. But we're not alone in this. We have each other, and we have our training. We can do this."

"My dad knows I'm going to get through this," I said. "Like he hasn't considered any other option. I want to buy into that as well, but I keep thinking about what happens if I don't actually pull this off. I don't know what my father will do."

She looked thoughtfully at me before answering. "Your father will be proud of you no matter what. You are his daughter, and that will never change."

"But will he still see me as a winner? As a fighter?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"Your dad sees toughness in you because it's there, not just because you're in the Air Force," she said gently. "It's there in you all the time, even when you can't see it yourself. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Your dad is always going to love you. Your relationship might be a little different, but it's not like he is going to stop loving you. You've proven how tough you are just by getting to this stage of the game."

"Thanks, Kylee. I needed that."

She smiled. "Anytime. We've got this, Sarah. One step at a time."

I sighed. "We should probably get to bed."

We stood there for a while longer, soaking in the quiet and the cool night air. It was a moment of calm before the storm. We said our goodbyes and retired to the room we were sharing. I lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling. The nerves were still there, but they were tempered by a sense of determination. This was just another challenge, another obstacle to overcome. I thought about my father, about all the stories he used to tell me about his own training, the pride in his voice when he talked about his time in the Air Force.

I wanted to make him proud. But more than that, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this. That I was strong enough, capable enough. I'd come this far, and I wasn't about to let fear stop me now.