Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

C aroline’s teeth worried her lip as her quill hovered over the parchment. It was a simple thing, helping Mrs. Park prepare a menu for the week, and yet, her mind simply wasn’t in it. She was entirely too distracted to focus on the business at hand for her thoughts were no longer her own. She had been perpetually unsettled since the day she returned to Hamstead, and this bothersome feeling had only increased with every passing day.

First Fred’s appearance, then Robert with the children, then Aunt Fanny’s letter, and Robert’s dismissing words, and that portrait . The haunting image of Caroline and her brother as children had lingered in her thoughts and permeated her dreams, even though it had been tucked out of sight for the time being. She didn’t need such potent memories attacking her when her current surroundings were doing that very well enough on their own.

Now she was not just propelled by her aunt’s letter to sort out the details of her past. Caroline felt her own sense of urgency now. She needed to repair her relationships with Fred and with Robert, but she was at a loss to know where to start.

Going back to Edgewood Estate reminded her of the resentment she carried for her brother, but it did not provide the answers she sought. And she did not know how to broach the topic of mending the gap with Robert. She would never forget the forlorn look on his face when she explained the change to the Christmas party, meaning they would not be invited. She had disappointed him again, or perhaps she had fallen into exactly what he believed about her. Some of it was likely true, but not all of it. She wanted to somehow convince him that she was worth repairing the divide that separated them. To help him forgive her, to help him trust her again.

Perhaps she could invite them to dine at Longwood Manor. Both Fred’s family and Robert’s family. It would not be the same as the Christmas festivities they were expecting, but it would provide them with an opportunity to change their opinion of her. She could have her word with each of them and prove that she was worth their time and consideration. But would they agree?

A knock sounded at the door, shaking Caroline from her thoughts to the extent that her hand jerked, scraping the quill egregiously across the empty parchment. Huffing in frustration, Caroline set it back in its prop by the ink. “Yes?”

The door to the study opened, and Norman appeared. “Mr. Scrooge and Mr. Cratchit are here with the girls, mum. For their time in the music room.”

“Ha! Excellent. What perfect timing.” Caroline rose to her feet, the menu forgotten, and sauntered into the entryway where Robert, Fred, and their daughters were waiting.

“Well, well. What’s all this?” Caroline asked, trying to keep her eyes on the girls who both had sheet music in their hands.

“Mrs. Fezziwig asked us to prepare a duet for her charity ball.” Kitty’s eyes shone with excitement, while Martha appeared less enthusiastic.

“And I suppose you will need the entire thirty minutes to practice?” Caroline raised a critical eyebrow, but even as she did so, she wished she hadn’t. Such an attitude was not needed here. These were innocent and underprivileged children, and no doubt Robert’s distrust of her stemmed from such behavior. But it’s who she was, wasn’t it? How could she change her very nature? Though she hadn’t always been that way. No, she had been very much like these girls not so long ago. Perhaps better dressed, but still wide-eyed and innocent with such dreams of the future.

Kitty and Martha waited patiently, pressing their hands together in a begging motion.

Finally Caroline sighed. “Very well. See yourselves to the music room.”

The girls cheered, making Caroline reluctantly smile. “But spare me a moment with your fathers, if you please.”

They each curtsied and scurried off to the music room, leaving both Fred and Robert watching her with expectant eyes.

“How very mysterious, Caroline,” Fred said, folding his arms over his chest and grinning wryly. “What’s all this about?”

“It’s a small thing, really.” Her heart was racing inside her chest, which identified her words as a lie. “I simply wanted to invite you and your families to dine here at Longford Manor.” She stopped herself before going on, swallowing the words ‘before someone else takes possession of the property.’

“What a delightful idea,” Fred said, glancing at Robert beside him. “Isn’t that a delightful idea?”

Caroline shifted her eyes to Robert, who stood quiet with lips pursed, jaw clenched. It was just as she had expected, that he would object, so she waited silently in return.

“Yes, well, I do not know if we will be able to attend,” he said finally in a low grumbly voice. “I have many visits to make this week.”

“As have I. Perhaps Wednesday next would suit the both of you? We can coordinate it around a time of the girls’ practice if that would better help.” Caroline kept her voice light to avoid any accusation.

“That should give us more than enough time to plan accordingly, wouldn’t you agree, Robert?” Fred said, nudging him with his elbow.

Robert inhaled and then nodded curtly. “Very well, I will inform Mrs. Rosemont.” Then he lifted his gaze to Fred. “Will you be able to see the girls home today? I’ve just remembered an appointment that I am late for.”

“But you said you wanted to hear the song that the girls—”

“Perhaps I will hear it at Mrs. Fezziwig’s party instead. I cannot be further delayed.” Then he barely angled himself in a bow before turning swiftly on his heel and heading right back out the door.

Caroline’s heart squeezed. She would not let him off the hook so easily. Not when she had bridges to mend.

Hurrying after him, Caroline pushed out into the cold afternoon air. “Robert, wait!”

He did not turn, but he did stop, and his breath became visible in a puff over his shoulder.

“A moment of your time, please?” she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

Only then did he turn, and it was impossible to miss the frustration in his face. “What, Caroline?”

Hearing her name on his lips again thrilled her, and his chilling blue eyes almost made her forget her purpose.

“I’m certain the change in Aunt Fanny’s Christmas event was a surprise, for which I apologize.”

“There is no need to apologize. You will do things as you see fit, just as you have always done,” he said, his words flat. “Is that what this family dinner is for, a pitiful attempt at a replacement?”

At that, she inhaled. “It is a gesture for family and friends. A sign of generosity.”

Robert let out a humorless laugh. “Yes, you and your renowned generosity.”

She deserved that jab, so she let it slide. “As for our conversation from the other day, I only wanted to say, I don’t begrudge you your feelings, for they no doubt accurately represent the circumstances that… parted us. However, I had offered you my apologies and you…”

He hung his head and let out another sigh. “I forgave you long ago, Caroline.”

She wanted to relish his words, but they felt hollow and empty. “Thank you for saying so, but I fear there is still more to resolve. While I understand we cannot have the same standing or connection, there is still the notion that you do not trust me which leaves me rather unsettled.”

He straightened his shoulders, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I’m afraid that cannot be helped.”

Caroline took a daring step forward. “But what if there was something I could do to gain it back? I realize your trust in me has been broken, and it is not something given lightly. But even if we cannot be… as we once were, I would very much like to have your good opinion again. Perhaps even be friends.”

She watched him carefully, for any change of expression that would be a clue to his thoughts, his feelings. Finally, his brow softened, and he cast his gaze to the ground. “You would be friends with a humble doctor?”

He was right to say so, for in London, she could never admit such a thing aloud. But here at her aunt’s home, a safe distance from town, she nodded with confidence. “Yes.”

Robert looked up in surprise, locking his eyes with hers. She let him in, hoping he could see her weakened defenses anytime she was in his presence.

Finally, he let out a breath, running a hand through his hair, leaving Caroline frozen to the spot. “I don’t know, Caroline. It might be too … I’ll need some time to consider it.”

“Of course, I understand.” Caroline nodded. “Take all the time you like. Well, until Christmas, I suppose. But if you think of anything I can do, I would like to mend the bridge between us.”

Robert’s eyes fell on her again, this time nearly in anguish. “For what purpose? So we can exchange letters again as we used to? So we can miss each other until you marry some nobleman in London and break my heart all over again? Or is this just to alleviate your guilt from the past and make you feel better before you leave us for good?”

Caroline clenched her jaw, her hackles raising in defense. She wanted to be mad at him for such a declaration, but he was right, on all counts. The realization left her deflated.

“Please, Robert. Let me try to fix things.” Her voice was so small, she almost didn’t hear it herself. “At least consider it?”

He let out a breath through his nose, and he clenched his jaw, the muscles flickering in shadow. He gave a curt nod and said, “Very well,” before turning down the lane and hurrying away.

Once he had disappeared from view, Caroline released the breath held tightly in her chest and returned back inside the house. She had never felt more penitent in all her life, and she despised the sensation. Humility was not in her nature. But she was coming to realize that for Robert, she would continue trying.

She did not know just how desperately she wanted his good opinion until she was standing there before him, begging for it. His words continuously rang in her ears, saying he did not trust her, which grated against her very spirit. She knew they could not be together like they were before, for she would never be able to win back his love, nor should she wish to. She knew it all, down to her bones. But still she wanted his trust. Desperately. Unreasonably. Indefinitely.

Instead of returning to the study, Caroline’s feet led her to the music room. The girls were seated at the pianoforte, plunking along the keys together and giggling when they hit the wrong notes, then trying again. Caroline didn’t know why, but in this moment she did not wish to be alone. She welcomed the loud musical errors, and she craved closeness with her brother, even though they had not been close in some time.

She took her seat on the sofa beside him, and she felt his wary gaze on her. “What’s this, Caroline? You’re not quite being yourself.”

She cast her eyes up at him, ready to admit defeat. Did he not want her either? “Would you rather I leave?”

Fred chuckled in response. “Not at all. You’ve just surprised me, is all.” He eyed her carefully. “Is something the matter?”

Caroline wanted to confide in him desperately. She had told him all her hopes and fears and dreams as a child, but she hadn’t done so in years. But her memories from the Edgewood Estate came creeping back to the forefront of her mind, and she found now as good a time as any to get her answers.

“Why did you not come with us to London, all those years ago?” Caroline asked boldly. “Why did you cut yourself off from the family?”

His eyes softened and he leaned back against the seat. “Ah, is that what you were told?”

The painting of Caroline and her brother flashed through her mind, and she clenched her jaw to stave off the accompanying emotion. “Yes. Father said you wanted nothing to do with us when you came home from school, so I went off to London on my own.”

“I see.” He nodded slowly. “This came from our father, and you believed him?”

Caroline huffed. “I had no reason not to! If it is not the truth, then tell me the whole of it.”

Fred leaned forward and paused for a moment before speaking. “When I came home from school that last time, I knew father’s plan for me. He expected that I would go with you to London and make a wealthy match for myself. But I wanted to continue my education and join the church. He was furious with me, saying it would be an embarrassment, since I had no need of an income as his heir.” He lifted his eyes to her. “But you know me, Caroline. I was not made to lounge about and waste a fortune in London. I am not a fop or a cad, nor do I have any interest in society. I saw a severe lack here in the village, and that’s what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, helping those in need.”

Caroline said nothing, but she nodded. Yes, that was very much like the brother she once knew.

“But even though the church is a worthy profession for a gentleman, father refused to accept it, refused to understand. So he cut me off.”

“What?” Caroline blinked. Her stomach sank and soured.

“It is true. He wrote me out of his will and kicked me out of Edgewood Estate that very night. I was lucky that I had Aunt Fanny to turn to, else I would have likely been some poor beggar in more reduced circumstances than anyone in Hamstead.”

Caroline shook her head. She had known her father was a hard man, but to dismiss his own son… she had not understood such situations as a young girl, but now everything was clear. Fred had not been in the wrong. She had suffered without him, and he had suffered without his family, so needlessly.

“What did you do then?” Caroline asked, her voice thin.

“I lived here at Longford Manor. Aunt Fanny paid for the rest of my education, and when the old rector died, I was able to take his place here in Hamstead. I have been blessed over the years, able to do what I love and even start a family.” He looked down at her with a sad smile. “But I have missed you, Caroline.”

Caroline swallowed the lump in her throat, eyes burning with tears. That was why her inheritance had been so great upon her father’s death—because all the money that would have gone to Fred had been bestowed on her. The thought made her ill, that he was struggling here with his family while she had been living in ignorance and bliss with what should have been his. It changed her entire perspective, not wanting to think of her beloved brother begging in the streets to survive. How willingly she would have provided for someone like him.

“Did father forbid you from speaking to me?” Fred asked, handing Caroline his handkerchief.

She despised the emotion that threatened to trickle down her cheek, but she accepted his offer and dabbed her eyes. “Yes. He burned every letter you sent, which instilled in me the terrible habit as well. Forgive me. I should have known.”

He nodded, smiling sadly. “Of course.”

She stared off in the distance, incredulous. All the bitterness that had built up inside her had been for naught. And Aunt Fanny knew the whole of it. She knew what needed to be salvaged between Caroline and Fred. This was the past that needed to be reconciled, and in that instant, Caroline could not have been more thankful for Aunt Fanny’s insistence. So many things finally started to make sense.

“So is that why you’ve kept me in the dark all these years?” Fred asked, squeezing her shoulder. “You thought I abandoned you, so you abandoned me in return?”

Caroline sighed. “Perhaps in a small way. I thought it was just the way of things, that everyone will disappoint you, even the people you love. And it was easier with fewer people to hurt me. It was easier to be lonely, even when surrounded by countless souls in London.”

“Well, part of that is true. For we are all human, and liable to flaws and weaknesses and mistakes. Even you, isn’t that right?”

His teasing jab did bring up one corner of her mouth, and Caroline shook her head.

“But loving is a choice, a commitment despite flaws and weaknesses and mistakes. It’s growing and learning together, supporting each other through the hard times.”

The giving aspect Aunt Fanny mentioned didn’t seem so hard now. The suffering through difficulties, that might be too much to take.

“But I will promise you one thing, Caroline,” Fred said, pulling her closer. “You may be surrounded by false friends and attention seekers, and people who are hollow and greedy in London, but you would never be lonely here. There are so many people who care for you, beyond just your family.”

Caroline glanced up into her brother’s eyes, and she understood the pointed meaning behind his words. But she couldn’t believe it, not if he meant Robert. There was still too much between them to truly consider him an option again.

By the time the grandfather clock struck the hour, the introduction to the girls’ song was starting to sound like something recognizable. They rose to their feet, rather pleased with themselves, and despite her emotional exhaustion, Caroline couldn’t help smiling with them.

“Thank you for the use of your room, Caroline,” Fred said, standing to his feet and offering her a hand as well. “And for your time. It is good to converse again.”

She nodded in response. “It is. You are most welcome.”

“Papa, do you think we might visit the Dilbers?” Kitty asked, tugging on his coat. “I have not seen Clarice in some time.”

“Yes, I had planned to visit them,” Fred said, patting her head. “Shall we take Martha home first?”

“I can go with you,” Martha said with an eager smile.

“Who are the Dilbers?” Caroline asked.

“A less fortunate family on the edge of town. I believe Robert visits them every so often, as the father has been ill.”

“I see.”

Caroline saw them out the door, with the girls cheering in excitement about the prospect of dinner the following week, but when they were gone, she was still left feeling unsettled. The image of Fred as a beggar would not leave her mind, and she was left wondering about the Dilbers, without knowing a thing about them.

Caroline returned to the study to finish the menu, occasionally tapping a finger to her lips, growing lost in thought. An unexpected notion was stirring in her chest, and she couldn’t tell if it was just a result of confronting too many difficult emotions in recent weeks, or even today alone. Her father would have undoubtedly dubbed her too sensitive and introspective, but his was not the voice of reason anymore. She had to be her own guide now.

Mrs. Park came to collect the menu, and Caroline handed it to her. “What do you know of the Dilber family?”

“Once a proud family in the county, recently brought low from circumstances beyond their control. They’re poor and sickly, living on the outskirts of town with six children.”

“Six?!” Caroline repeated, shaking her head. It might be more than she had bargained for, but she couldn’t shake the idea now. She had to see it through.

“Send them a basket. Two baskets, since they seem to have so many children.” Caroline instinctively had more to say, but she bit the words back, for they certainly would not complement her actions. And she wouldn’t feel that way if it were her brother in the situation.

Mrs. Park just blinked at her. “Baskets of what?”

Caroline cut her a glare. “You know, the charitable sort. Food, blankets, whatever you think they might be in need of. Only don’t let them know who sent it. Have them delivered from an anonymous donor.”

“Um,” Mrs. Park balked. “Very well. As you wish, mum.”

Caroline sat in quiet consideration for a moment. It was a simple request, nothing more. And she wanted it to be kept secret so that no one in the village would hear of her doing something charitable. If Fred found out, she would never hear the end of it.

But even as an afterthought, something about keeping it secret was all the more thrilling.