Chapter 23

23

LINCOLN

T he workday seemed to drag on forever. I only had two runs, and the rest of the time, I was left on my own to try to come up with things to do. I talked to Danny, but he zeroed in on my foul mood and wouldn't let up. I didn't want to spill my guts to anyone else after getting chewed out by Porter, so I just left the break room.

Walking the rows of lumber, I tried to help some of the other guys cut and stack the boards. It wasn't my job though, so after a few minutes of polite accommodation, they sent me on my way. I ordered a pizza for lunch, but I didn't have the appetite to eat more than a slice. I left the rest in the barn for other people to snack on.

After work, I was going to take an Uber home, but Danny found me. "I don't know what's got your panties in a bunch, but you might as well let me give you a lift."

I rolled my eyes but climbed into his truck anyway. The Uber would take at least thirty minutes to reach me, and that was another full half hour I would have to look busy. "Thanks," I grumbled.

"People have told me what's going on," Danny explained as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"Who?"

"People."

"What did they tell you?"

"That you broke up with Aly." He swung the truck to the right, toward town.

"I was a jerk," I said.

"That's what they're saying," Danny agreed.

I laughed. "Is there anything I'm allowed to keep to myself?"

"In Singer's Ridge?" Danny smiled. "I don't think so."

He dropped me off at home and I walked around the side of the house. Mrs. Washington came out the front door and waved me down. "Lincoln! Come in for tea."

I groaned. I could just imagine what Mrs. Washington wanted to talk about. But how had she heard? It had only been this morning that I had ended things with Aly. How could the news possibly have spread so far so fast? I trudged up the porch steps like a kid caught skipping class.

She didn't say anything until we were sitting in the kitchen, tea and cookies spread out before us. "I just want you to reconsider what you're doing with that young woman."

I looked at the treats but didn't touch them. "That's really none of your business."

"When you're living in my house, it's my business," she said.

"I'm just a tenant."

"You know you're more than that." She gave me the softest smile, her eyes warm instead of accusatory.

Again, I felt like I was sitting in my mother's kitchen, talking to someone who had known me since I was little. It was disarming. I wanted to pitch a fit, to storm out and find a different place to stay, but I valued her opinion too much to do that. Where else was I going to find someone so welcoming? She had taken me in and showed me a kindness I didn't deserve.

It really wasn't any of her business what went on between Aly and me. I felt bad that I had hurt her, but I also thought I was protecting her from a bigger disaster down the road. She had been foolish to get involved with me. I wrecked whatever I touched. It was only a matter of time.

I couldn't explain all that to Mrs. Washington, so I agreed that I would think hard about what I had done. She smiled, accepting my capitulation, and sent me downstairs with my plate of cookies. This town was going to be the death of me. Everyone was in my business, and everyone was so goddamned nice.

I didn't want to eat the cookies, so I left them on the counter in my kitchen. I tried watching television, but that didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart. I wanted to reach out to Aly, to tell her I was sorry, and to explain that I really had her best interest in mind. She would have figured out who I was eventually, and by that time, she might have been stuck with me.

I decided to get drunk. Having no alcohol on the premises, I had to go out and get some. I locked the door and walked all the way over to the Lucky Lady. It was already humming by the time I reached the parking lot, but then I saw Aly's car, and I hesitated. I didn't want her to see me, didn't want her to think I was stalking her.

I walked clear down to the other end of Main Street to the grocery store and bought myself a six-pack. Disregarding the public consumption laws, I emptied four cans down my throat right there in the grocery store parking lot, sitting on the curb. There was only one customer who pulled up while I was there, and they were not surprised. It was all over town that I had been dating Aly and that we had broken up.

The grocery store customer was someone I knew from the lumberyard. He walked past me without saying a word but paused to pat me on the shoulder. I let him do it, even though I was screaming inside for everybody to leave me alone.

I was beginning to understand that it wasn't just Aly that wanted me to settle down. The entire town was acting like they knew me and had some claim on my emotions.

I should just shut up and appreciate all the affection, but that was difficult to do. I wanted to live on my own. Maybe it was time to pack up and leave. That might be best for Aly as well. That way, she would never have to see me again. Thinking of Aly made me wonder if she was still at the Lucky Lady.

Stuffing one remaining can in each pocket, I walked back to the bar. It was ten or eleven by then—I didn't check my phone. I was drunk enough to feel bold but not enough to get into any real trouble. Aly's car was still there, and the asshole within me demanded to know what she had been doing for two hours.

I pushed my way inside and found the place packed. I didn't see her at first. There was a tight knot of people dancing at the far end of the room, a live band tucked away in one corner. I scanned the booths and didn't see her. I didn't see her at the bar either. Hovering near the entrance, I finally spotted her dancing with some other guy. It was a young buck in a cowboy hat, and he was pawing all over her, holding her close and grinding his hips. She was laughing, one arm draped over his shoulder.

I considered going up to her, removing the cowboy from her erogenous zone, and punching him dead. My headful of beer was cheering me on, feeding me the recklessness I would need. But I was still sober enough to realize what a bad idea that was. I had no right to get between Aly and any other man she wanted to be with. I had given up that right when I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship.

Punching the new suitor out wasn't going to help me either. I would likely go to jail, or at the very least get banned from the Lucky Lady. I might even get myself into a bigger fight than I bargained for. If there was one thing eight years of war had taught me, it was that assholes often traveled in packs.

I turned around and left, popping open my last remaining beers on the walk home. I got in the shower, fully clothed, and felt the cold water freezing my veins. After standing under the spray for a half hour, I turned the stream off and slid down into a heap on the shower floor. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was freezing and there was a knock at the door.

Groggy, I pulled myself up and sloshed out of the shower stall. My boots were soaked, but my shirt had dried off a bit. I pulled the boots off and left them in the middle of the bathroom. Now I had wet socks and wet pants, but I wasn't dragging along heavy shoes. I made a trail of water from the bathroom to the door, like some kind of slime creature, but I didn't care.

My head was pounding, and I was thirsty as hell. I opened the door to find my father, half concerned, half annoyed, standing at the bottom of the basement steps. He took one look at me and his eyes grew to half the size of his face.

I straightened, as if I could summon any self-respect. He pushed past me, into the bedroom, leaving me to shut the door on my own. I followed him wordlessly, like a puppy that had been scolded.

He went straight to the bureau, pulled out a dry pair of jeans and a shirt, and threw them on the bed. Without giving me any verbal instructions, he breezed past me and shut the bedroom door. I looked at the fresh clothes for a minute without making a move. I was soaked and frozen, but in some ways, that felt right. I had been such an ass. Did I really deserve to be warm and dry?

After a moment of deliberation, I decided to follow my dad's unspoken advice and get dressed. I stripped down to my birthday suit, removing the cold, heavy clothing. Putting a fresh shirt on, I grabbed some clean boxers from the drawer. When I was dressed, I went back to the living room to face my father.

He had started a fresh pot of coffee. "Sit down," he commanded.

I went to the table and sat. I almost felt like I wanted to cry, but that was ridiculous. Men shouldn't cry. "What am I gonna do?" I pleaded.

"You're going to sober up and make things right with Aly."

I sniffed. "I can't. You don't know what I did to her."

"Broke her heart? Disrespected her?" Dad guessed.

I nodded glumly.

"Son," he began. "It's clear that you're broken up over this."

"Everyone is being so nice!" I slammed a fist onto the table. "I'm a horrible person and the entire town is being supportive."

"For one, you're not a horrible person. You just made a mistake. And for two, you have a lot of friends here, if you would just take your head out of your ass to see it."

I allowed a dry chuckle. The coffee pot beeped, and Dad stood up to pour me a cup. I let the smell bring me around. I had been thinking about this all wrong. Ever since my injury, I had been scheming to leave people behind. I wanted independence and I thought that connections would make me vulnerable.

Now it seemed like I was a part of something bigger, as if the town itself were a living organism and I was only one small part. I was bringing conflict and shame to its life, but it had already forgiven me. I didn't need to escape. I needed to fall in line.

If I could work for good instead of evil, then I could be a benefit to the town instead of a pariah. But even if I consistently fucked up and never told Aly how I felt, the town would still embrace me. I was one of their own, whether I liked it or not.

I was home.