Chapter 25

MIKE

Iwoke up to the idea that it might have all been a dream. The cookout had been great, and I really enjoyed hanging out with Tammy's friends. Then after, when she told me she was pregnant, my whole world came to a halt. I remembered the exchange and knocked my head against the pillow in frustration.

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to face the gigantic question that life had become. Just when I felt like everything had sorted itself out, Tammy had thrown a wrench into the machine. Did she even know it was mine? What if the baby belonged to that ex-boyfriend she was trying so hard to forget? What if she wasn't really pregnant? Those over-the-counter tests could be wrong. Had she seen a doctor? Did she get a second opinion? I didn't even let myself consider the Herculean task that lay ahead of us if it were true.

A baby of my own? Maybe a son to play catch with and teach how to fish, or a daughter to chaperone to high school dances, it wouldn't be so bad. We could stay here in the cabin and transform Tammy's room into a nursery. I had a good job, enough to support us if Tammy decided to stay home. Dillon and Jason had each ended up as fathers and were doing a good job; their kids were sweet and well-adjusted.

It was too much to think about right now. I needed to put one foot in front of the other and not concentrate on the future. I got up, showered and shaved, and left the house. I thought about knocking on Tammy's door to check on her but couldn't summon the courage. My reaction to her pregnancy news had been extreme. It never occurred to me to be happy when there were too many outstanding questions. We had to resolve the issue of paternity first and make sure the pregnancy test wasn't lying. After that, when I was sure that I was going to be a father, I would let myself celebrate. Until then, a little space from Tammy would help.

I drove into work and clocked in. It seemed that there was always something on my mind these days. Tammy had me tied up in knots, no matter what I did. Either I was desperate to see her again, nervous about exposing my secrets or now obsessing about her unborn child. I had become practiced in the art of shifting my focus. I put on a mask and interacted with the customers as if nothing was wrong. I even made my manager smile by cleaning out the bargain bin in a single sale.

I was sweeping out the shop floor when my mom surprised me with a brown bag lunch. "I thought I would come find you," she said.

"Thanks." I took a look inside the bag. "I can go sit down in the kitchen to eat."

We walked back to the house together. "I want to apologize for not trusting you," she said.

"It's okay," I squeezed her in a side hug. "You were just doing what you thought was best."

"I really thought you had a drug problem and that I had to do that ‘tough love' stuff." She sighed. "I should have just listened to you."

"You didn't know," I allowed. "I don't know how I would have reacted if it was my child."

She smiled. "Hopefully you'll never have a chance to find out."

I assumed she meant that hopefully my child would never go to prison, not that I would never have a child. I held the door open for her and followed her into the kitchen, dropping my lunch on the table.

"Speaking of that, I have something to tell you," I said.

Mom turned to face me, curiosity shining in her eyes.

"Tammy's pregnant."

Mom clapped her hands to her jaw, her face going from impassive to awestruck in a matter of seconds. She waved me into a hug, laughing and crying at the same time. I felt joy uncurl in my belly, along with a sharp sliver of guilt. Here was my mom, so excited to be a grandmother, and I had been such a tool. I could see her head fill up with Christmases and birthdays, with Easter egg hunts and Sunday breakfasts. She would want to fill her phone with pictures of the child to share with every friend, customer, and stranger she came across. In two words, I had brought unimaginable joy to her life. I stood awkwardly, waiting for her to calm down.

"Have you told your father?" Mom asked, breathless.

I shook my head. "Just you."

"Okay, well." She settled into a chair, overwhelmed with the news. "We'll have to plan a baby shower. You'll have to get married. Where are you going to register?"

"Mom." I sank down beside her, the weight of all the things she had just said cracking my resolve. "I don't think we're there yet."

"What do you mean, you're not there yet?" Her voice took on an acidic quality that reminded me of the mom of a week ago.

"I don't even know if it's mine," I said.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," she snipped.

"Okay," I tried again. "What if the pregnancy test is wrong?"

She drew in a breath. "You're right. Of course, we should make a doctor's appointment."

"Tammy should make a doctor's appointment," I said.

Mom put both her hands over one of mine, staring into my eyes as if I were still a child. "If she told you the baby is yours, then it is. You are partners in this, so you need to go with her to every appointment you can. It will be a big adjustment, but I think you're ready."

"Really?"

It was good to hear her say that. In the back of my mind, the demon of doubt had been questioning my ability to parent a child. I enjoyed making Nicky and Daisy laugh, and I had even held Mary Ellen, but was I really cut out for a baby of my own? Just because you got a girl pregnant didn't make you father material. I didn't know the first thing about changing diapers or spoon-feeding an infant. But to hear my mom express her faith that I would come out on top was really encouraging. She should know. Maybe it would be alright—maybe Tammy and I would be good parents.

"Where is Tammy now?" Mom asked.

"I don't know," I said, reaching for the lunch.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" she asked again, like she was hard of hearing.

"I don't know where she is," I repeated. "I left without saying good morning."

"Why would you do that?"

"I was angry," I admitted.

"Why?" she gasped. It never occurred to her to be anything but excited at the prospect of a pregnancy.

"She lied to me," I defended my actions. "She kept the pregnancy from me for two weeks."

Mom frowned. "I know you didn't leave that girl all alone after she told you she was carrying your child."

I winced. "I did."

"Michael!" she yelled, snatching my sandwich away from me. "Think about it from her perspective for a minute. She must have been terrified. She doesn't know you that well, and now she finds herself pregnant. The worst thing you could have done is react in anger."

I stared down at the table. She was right. I had only been thinking of myself. Of course, all the doubts and emotions that I was having now, Tammy had been dealing with for the past two weeks. She wasn't prepared for parenthood any more than I was. She didn't know if our relationship could weather the storm. Instead of becoming her ally, I had pushed her away. I forced her to deal with the pressure all on her own, abandoning her when I should have supported her.

I decided to make things right when I went home. I could pick up some flowers and apologize. The next step would be to go see the doctor, and I would offer to go with her. I could share how happy the news had made my mom and maybe begin thinking about things like gift registries.

"Can we not tell Dad yet?" I asked my mom. "Give me time to apologize to Tammy?"

Mom agreed with a nod, placing the sandwich back in front of me. I ate it with a grateful smile, all of the tension fueling my appetite. I went back to work with a renewed vigor, eager to get it all done and clock out.

When work was finally done for the day, I stopped by the gas station to grab a bouquet of roses. Pulling up outside our cabin, I saw that Tammy's car wasn't there. Sometimes she worked late. There were a few days when a client came in for a coloring late in the afternoon, and Tammy had to stay until six or seven. I wasn't worried.

I went inside, found the pitcher that Tammy had used for lemonade, and filled it with water. The dishes were clean, Macy and Lindsey's serving bowls set aside on the counter to return to their owners. Everything else was in the dishwasher. I set the roses in the pitcher and went to get changed. I thought about taking a shower but didn't want to miss Tammy when she came home. Instead, I sat down in front of the television and turned ESPN on.

At six o'clock I checked my phone. No message from Tammy. At six fifteen, I sent her a quick text to ask if she was working late. I put a lot of effort into it, wanting to come off just right.

I'm happy about the baby. Hope we can talk soon. I covered all my bases in a single message. There was no response. At six thirty, I sent another text: Are you working late? There was no response to that one either. At quarter after seven, I began to get worried. Jason had given me his number when we were talking about woodworking. I called him, trying to iron out my nerves by pacing into the kitchen and out.

"Hey, Mike," Jason answered.

"Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting dinner," I began.

"No worries," Jason said. "What's up?"

"Is Lindsey home?"

"Yeah," Jason answered. "What's wrong?"

"Tammy isn't home yet. Did they work late?"

"No." Jason picked up on the anxiety in my voice, adding delicately, "Lindsey was home at the regular time."

"Can I speak to her?" I asked.

Lindsey got on the phone, alarmed. "Hi, Mike."

"Hi. Was Tammy okay today?" I worried.

"Um, she wasn't okay," Lindsey answered, a little upset. "She said that you reacted badly to her pregnancy news."

"I did," I admitted. "And she hasn't come home."

"Maybe check with Macy," Lindsey suggested.

"Do you have that number?"

"Sure." She texted it to me, and my phone beeped a second later.

"Thanks." I hung up, pressing Call on Macy's phone number before I could draw another breath.

"Hello?" Macy answered hesitantly.

"Hi, Macy, it's Mike."

"Hi, Mike," she replied. There was no hint of anger in her voice, and I wondered if Tammy had even told her how much of a jackass I had been.

"Is Tammy over there?" I asked, praying silently.

"No, why?" Macy asked, kicking my heart into the gutter.

"She's not here," I heard myself say. "Lindsey says she left the salon at the regular time."

"Oh…" Macy let the word trail off. "Here's Dillon."

"What's going on?" Dillon was all business.

"Tammy's missing," I said.

"Meet me at the police station," Dillon said, taking charge. "I'll bring Jason."

"Right." I hung up, grateful to have someone on my side.

I rushed out the door, jumped into my truck, and thundered down the driveway. I drove past the Rose Wood Salon, looking for Tammy's car. It was nowhere to be seen. It wasn't at the diner or the Lucky Lady either. I parked in front of the police station and sat behind the wheel, waiting for my friends.

Dillon and Jason drove up a moment later, climbing out of their respective rides. We acknowledged each other before Jason ushered us up the ramp into the station house. The woman at the front desk waved a hello to Jason as we passed. He took us to a small room in the back, empty except for a large table and a set of chairs. We sat down, and Jason began the discussion.

"We need to start by assuming that something innocent has happened. Maybe she had car trouble or was in an accident. We can start by calling the hospital."

I nodded, thinking of an altogether more plausible explanation. "We had a fight last night," I explained. "She told me she was pregnant, and I… yelled at her."

The other two men exchanged an understanding glance. "So, you think she might have left?" Dillon asked.

"Maybe she got a hotel room," I said.

"Unlikely," Dillon responded. "If she was upset and wanted a break, she would have come back to my house."

"There's another possibility," Jason said, and we all knew what he was thinking. "You gave testimony that put away some really bad people."

I inhaled sharply, not liking where this was going.

"I think you need to tell us the whole story," Jason demanded.

I opened my mouth to begin, knowing that every moment wasted might possibly be a moment of terror for the woman I loved. I spilled the entire tale, naming names and pointing fingers. It wasn't until I was done that I realized how much danger I had brought upon my girlfriend, lover, and mother of my child. If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.