34. Meredith

34

MEREDITH

T hree days after the appointment, I'm losing it. I have a secret pocket in my purse where I'm keeping the sonogram photo. I keep looking at it, hoping the answer will be there. Unfortunately, it doesn't come to me.

I'm staying at the clubhouse for winter break, so I should have lots of opportunities, but still I never find the right moment to say anything. Grizzly's busy again, and every moment with Trap and Dart seems precious. I don't want to ruin it. Not to mention, even though the it's been a while since they've worn me out with a marathon sex session, the exhaustion is overwhelming. They're starting to worry about me.

Overwhelmed and with no room or space to think by myself, I know that I have to tell someone. I need advice on this. Normally, I would go to Harlow. But even if I was ready to tell her, she wouldn't be able to give any neutral advice about this. She'd be freaking out about all of the secrets that would be spilling out of my mouth. I need to go to a neutral party.

The problem is, I need privacy. Where am I going to get that?

I call Addy, and tell her that it's crucial we talk. I tell her we need to talk alone and that I have something I need help with that I need to confess. That I'm finally going to spill the beans. She seems skeptical and excited at the same time.

She does always love gossip, but I don't think she realizes the depths of my betrayal here. She probably thinks I've got something juicy to tell her. Juicy has nothing to do with this at this point.

I go downstairs, looking confident and ready to leave. Addy is coming to pick me up, and we're going to go to a public place. A café or something. Somewhere it's unlikely that we'll be attacked. That way I'll get the privacy I need.

But the minute Trap sees me and stops me before I get to the door, I feel like it's never going to happen.

"I need a girls' day out. I need some space. I know you won't understand this, but please know I'll only be gone for a couple of hours. I'll be perfectly safe. I'll text you when we get there and when we leave."

Trap puts his hand on my chin and then pulls me in for a kiss. "Fine. I'll let you go this one time, but you owe me." He winks at me, lust in his gaze. "I'm going to have to cover for you, and my ass is going to get beat for letting you go. You best keep your bargain."

I know he doesn't mean it for real. However, it feels ominous knowing all the secrets I'm keeping from him. A shiver goes down my spine as I see Addy pull up in her car. "Thank you," I choke out before he lets me out the door.

I take one glance back, wondering how different I'm going to feel after I let all of this out to someone. Will it be a relief? Or am I only going to feel even more guilty when she lays into me?

Because I know she's going to. And I'll deserve every moment of it.

I plaster a smile on my face as I approach the car and climb into it. Addy seems happy to see me and doesn't ask about Harlow. I'm glad for that, because that would make me feel even worse.

We go to a diner not too far from the clubhouse. That way if something does seem suspicious, they'll be able to get to me pretty quickly. But it's relatively busy and it's broad daylight. The lunch rush is just starting to slow down. I can't imagine I won't be safe here.

I take my time finding something to order and finally decide to just get some cheese fries and call it good. I don't even know if I'll be able to eat that. So many things that I normally love sound disgusting. I may be doing good for the moment not throwing up every morning, but that doesn't mean that I can eat anything these days. Even the wrong smells will trigger my gag reflex.

Addy gets herself a full burger meal and a shake, looking at me funny when I barely order anything. I know she's silently judging me and trying to figure out what it is I have to tell her. It makes me feel like I'm under a hot spotlight.

We're about halfway through eating when Addy finally breaks the silence and forces me to say something. "Okay, you're freaking me out now. I was guessing you were wanting to give me some juicy gossip and tell me some secret. I figured it was something you haven't told Harlow yet, or maybe you have told Harlow already and wanted to tell me since you're a little bit closer to her. But now, you're acting weird."

She looks me up and down as if she can see through me like an x-ray. Like she can just read whatever it is, but I can tell she has no idea.

"This is just really hard to tell anyone. I've been carrying this burden for a while, and I need to tell someone. But I also need some good advice. This is a secret I've been keeping from other people too. I know I shouldn't be, but I just haven't found the right moment to say anything."

She slaps her hand on top of mine. "You're rambling, Meredith. Seriously, spit it out. I'm judgmental, but I love you either way."

Well, at least she's being honest.

So, I tell her. I tell her about what really happened after I was kidnapped. About how I just kind of ended up with all three of the guys. About how I never thought it would go past a couple of nights or be anything serious.

I tell her about how they were being so protective of me and why they were always around campus. How I was just having fun until it wasn't just fun anymore.

And then I tell her about how Grizzly said he was in love with me. How I put my foot down and said I was going to tell Harlow, that we had to or we had to end it. And how he put all the power my hands.

I told her I was supposed to tell Harlow by now, but then I found out I was pregnant. And I can't tell anyone anything.

She sits there through the whole thing and listens intently. I can tell by her face that she's not going to react well, but she lets me finish before saying anything.

She takes a deep breath in and blows it out, like a little kid trying to calm down before they have a temper tantrum. She lets go of my hand, and I brace myself.

"Do I even need to say it?" she asks, her tone harsh.

"Whatever it is, let me have it."

"You're crazy for keeping all this a secret. That's what has you in deep shit. There's no way out of it now. You're pregnant with a baby and you don't know which guy it belongs to. They might not care, but they might. One of them might want a baby and one of them might not. And you won't know until you say something. You're getting into some of the most crucial parts of the pregnancy, and the people who could be there to support you don't know. Not to mention the fact that nobody even knows you're with these guys. If you start to show, and Harlow notices that you're pregnant, how she's going to feel? She told us everything about what was going on with her."

The lecture hits me hard. I know she's right. I just have to say it. I have to spit it out. But for some reason, I feel like my throat constricts every time it tries to come up.

"I know. But I'm so scared, and it's so hard."

"Yeah, well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder if one day you go into labor and have no explanation as to where this immaculate conception came from."

Normally I'd laugh at what she's saying, since it is a little bit funny, but not when it's my real life.

I find that tears come to my eyes easily. I start wiping at them, embarrassed that my mascara is running like this in public. Some even drips onto my fries.

"I'm sorry, Addy. I didn't want to keep this from anyone. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It just did. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm still so na?ve."

"I'll be here for you. But you're going to have to learn fast. Especially if you're going decide to go ahead and be a mother. You call me the minute you tell your men. But that has to be your number one priority now."

I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I set myself a deadline in my head right now. In seventy-two hours, Trap, Dart, and Grizzly are all going to know that I'm having a baby.