Chapter 20

Chapter

Twenty

"Tamara."

I turn at the sound, startled to hear it in this moment. Costin is watching me, his face a mixture of frustration and something else. Hurt? Pain? It's so hard to tell with him.

"How did you get here?" When I turn to indicate Lorelai's home, it's gone, and we're surrounded by mirrors.

"We never left," Anthony answers. "You disappeared into the mirror, and we couldn't get you out."

I don't understand what any of this means. The mirror revealed my greatest pain, but also what could be described as my greatest secret. Except it forced me into the memory and didn't let me do anything. How is that courage?

My brother stands near Costin. While the vampire stares at me, Anthony peers into the mirror. I follow his gaze, and he's watching as Lorelai's home fades and turns into the scene outside my birthday fire when time reset itself. I hear soft voices from the past coming from within. I don't stare into the mirror too long, not wanting to go back inside.

Movement catches my eyes, and I see the exact same story playing out in all the reflections, as if to tell me I can't escape it.

If this is my labyrinth trial to complete, why is it showing my past to Anthony and Costin?

"I don't understand." I try to work through my confusion. "This test doesn't make sense. I know I have to figure it out, but… How do we get out of here?"

"So that is Paul," Costin states, not answering my question. I hear the jealousy in his tone. He tries to hide it, but I can tell it's there. A hand lifts to my face and brushes away a tear, smearing it on my cheek. His hands are cold, and I see the hunger in his gaze. He'll need to feed soon. I'm the most likely target here. "He does not look like he's no one to you."

I flinch. He's right. I had lied to him about that.

"It doesn't matter." It's only a partial lie, but what else can I say? "That life never happened. Paul doesn't even remember it. As far as he's concerned, we've never met. "

I can't look into Costin's gaze. I don't want him mesmerizing me and forcing any truths out of me. I'm no longer sure what those truths would be.

"Is this what you're holding on to? A man you knew for a few days in a time that no longer exists?" Costin's voice is tight. "Is this what's keeping you from me?"

From him?

"I haven't been keeping anything from you," I say. "I might not feel the need to share every detail of my life, but…"

I can't finish the defense. Costin's right. I didn't want to tell him about Paul. I don't want to talk about it.

"I don't get what I'm supposed to be doing in here," I try to change the subject. This can't be a test. It feels like torture. "You should never have followed me. Everything is messed up. I don't think this last trial is working right. The troll warned?—"

"Tamara?" Anthony interrupts, pulling at my arm to get my attention.

He points at the mirror, and I see story time is over. Our reflections stare back at us. My hair is a wild mess, and my face is tear streaked and dirty. I look like a banshee who's had a rough night.

"What was that?" Anthony demands.

"It's…" I feel both of their eyes on me. "It's…"

"What did I just watch? Why was Conrad saying those things?" Anthony demands. "That can't be real. Conrad died in the fire downtown. I was there. I saw them pull his body out of the building. What is that house? Who are those people? Why is he talking about our parents' wills? I don't understand."

"It's an alternate timeline," Costin answers for me. "It happened and then it was erased when Conrad broke the amulet."

"Tamara?" Anthony says, as if wanting to hear me confirm it.

"It's true." I nod.

"I think you better start explaining." Anthony crosses his arms over his chest. I see the blue of magic rolling nervously around his fingers.

"Conrad set the fire at my birthday party. Originally, he killed you." I glance at Costin. I take a deep breath, forcing the truth out. "Both of you. Anthony, you and your friend never made it out of the janitor's closet. Costin, you caught fire trying to escape. I tried to put you out with a tapestry, but you poofed into ash. I would have died if not for the amulet's magic."

The fear remains that I shouldn't be talking about this. I've held the secrets in for so long. I guess it doesn't matter now, anyway. I can't change what's happened. I'm just a human stuck in this horrible place, exhausted and emotionally spent, and being reminded of how lacking I am .

Anthony opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

"The fire killed our parents along with some other guests," I tell them. "We had a funeral for you all. I can't even begin to describe what it was like. But then the amulet broke, and it reversed time, and you were here like nothing happened. Conrad got what he deserved. I thought it was over, but then…" I gesture toward the mirrors.

"What happened between us dying and the amulet breaking?" Anthony asks. "I feel like you're leaving some important information out. Who is this Paul?"

"Conrad went on a rampage, setting explosions. Those people we saw in the security cameras: he killed one and tried to kill the other." I look at Costin. "He made a deal with Elizabeth. He'd give her access to the Devine empire if she killed me and made him a vampire. She tried. The amulet stopped her."

Costin grimaces. "My sister makes poor choices. I can't say I'm surprised."

I wait for him to say more, but he doesn't.

"I think part of her motivation was to avenge you," I offer, hoping it dulls the blow.

"I know it is not," Costin denies. "She'd stake me in the heart if given half a chance."

Anthony shakes his head in disbelief. "What the hell is— was —wrong with him? Are you sure about all this? I mean…"

"Conrad tried to make the same deal with me," Costin tells Anthony. "He actually tried to sell your sister to me once in exchange for being turned." He gives a small shrug. "After that, I made it known that any vampire who turned him would have to answer to me."

Anthony presses a hand against his stomach. He still looks pale from his time being held prisoner. "When we were in the dog park, you asked me if magically erased memories ever come back. I thought you were talking about Louis, but you weren't, were you?"

I shake my head. "No."

None of Anthony's normal good-naturedness shows on him now. He looks beaten and sad and betrayed. I'm sure I'm partly to blame. I never told him the truth about any of this. If I had my choice, I never would.

"Conrad wanted me dead, but the amulet's magic protected me. Every time he sent me somewhere he claimed was safe, a fire broke out. Honestly, I'm embarrassed I didn't admit the truth to myself sooner. I wanted so much to believe in him. I thought he was misunderstood. But Conrad followed me to California, where I met my birth mother, Lorelai. It is her house you saw in the mirror. The rest of the story, you know. He tried to steal my amulet, and it killed him."

"And when I put the game on your phone, you said you didn't know what vengeful spirit you had come across. But you do, don't you?" my brother insists. "It's Conrad."

"Conrad's ghost has been haunting me since that night. He's full of so much rage." I keep an eye on Costin. What I need to say to him shouldn't be said in front of my brother.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Anthony insists, tugging at my arm to get me to look at him. Then, not giving me a chance to answer, he adds, "I recognized that man with you in the mirror. He's the guy you were watching at the park—Paul. He had a dog with your name. He was with the kid."

"Diana," I say. "The kid's name is Diana. She's not even six years old. They were innocent bystanders whose only crime was trying to help a stranger in need."

I look at Costin. He hasn't moved. He looks so… hurt.

"Conrad threatened to kill them both if I told anyone," I explain. "I shouldn't even be telling you now. If the labyrinth trial doesn't actually stop him, he can still make good on his threats. You can't let him see that you know any of this. Please, I beg you. "

"This is a lot to take in," Anthony says. "You're going to tell me everything."

"I will. Later. Not now." I try to touch Costin, but his look stops me. I hate that I'm the reason for his guarded expression. "Anthony, can you give us a moment?"

My brother looks around the chamber of mirrors and clears his throat. "Uh, yeah, I'll just be over here. Don't go anywhere without me. And maybe hurry."

I'm not one hundred percent sure that Anthony can't hear us, but I'm grateful for the illusion of privacy.

I wait for the vampire to say something first. He doesn't.

"Costin, it's not… I can't…" I take a deep breath. I don't know what to say. "What are you thinking?"

"You should have told me that your heart belongs to another before leading me on," he states.

"I didn't lead you on. You came to me. I was just trying to live my life and keep my head down." I give a slight shake of my head. "I never made you promises. It's not like we've talked about having a relationship. We were forced together. You barely acknowledged me before you needed me to do something."

My words aren't helping. His eyes narrow, and his face becomes completely unreadable. "As you wish. "

He tries to turn away from me, but I grab his arm and hold on tight.

"As you wish? What the hell does that mean, Costin?" I demand in frustration.

"I don't know what you want me to say. You said you love him." Costin sounds accusatory.

"You know what, never mind. I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself to you. It's not like you were a virgin when you met me. I'm sure if we were to write up a list of your exes, it would be at least thirty miles long. And if vampires are even capable of love, I'm sure you loved a few of them."

I'm so frustrated, and angry, and sad. "I don't know what you want from me. I never know what you want from me. I can only assume it's sex and a free meal. What other use is a human to a vampire? It's like you expect me to just know what you're thinking. That, or you don't think I'm worthy of your thoughts. You don't respect me. You call me a castoff. You don't even trust me to enough to complete a quest prophesied by powerful wizards that I am supposed to do on my own."

"I was going to remain hidden unless you needed me," Costin said. "Anthony sensed me. I wasn't planning on that."

I'm too exhausted to determine if I think it's sweet or annoying.

"I'm tired of being angry," I tell him. "I don't know what this stupid labyrinth wants from me. I never asked for any of this. And now everything is just fucked up."

"You said you love him," he states as if nothing else I said registers.

"So what if I did? So what if I do?" I demand.

Costin's jaw tenses as he clenches his teeth. I wonder if he thinks of biting me to shut me up. I don't know that I'd fight it. Oblivion sounds pretty good about right now.

I run my hands through my messy hair, and the knots tangle against my fingers. I jerk them free. "Paul doesn't even know I'm alive. And he can't know because he's human, and his daughter is human, and knowing me almost killed them because I'm human, and I can't protect anyone from the endless amount of shit falling on my head. So, yeah, for a few days, I was in love, and I thought, what if? What if I could have this thing, this normal life where I finally belonged? What if I could forget about the supernatural? What if I could drain the Devine blood out of my veins and disappear and just be a wife and a mother and a human?"

"You are not just a human," Costin says. "I have known you your entire life. You were never just a human."

"You can't understand." I shake my head. "Do you even remember what it's like to be mortal? "

I can tell by his face that his humanity is a distant memory.

I see Anthony watching us from between the hanging mirrors.

I don't want to be having this conversation. Not now. I don't want to talk about this because then I have to admit that I'll never deserve a normal human life.

"You're more than just a human," Costin repeats, desperate for me to hear it.

"You barely know me." My legs feel unsteady beneath me. I don't know how much more I can take.

Costin is so achingly beautiful—eternal, immortal, powerful. I always felt superior to women who fell for monsters. Truth be told, I mocked them a little in my head. I told myself that I never understood the appeal.

Yet here I am. Torn between my memory of Paul and the reality of Costin.

I can't believe I'm that girl. Torn between feelings for two men.

"Admit it. You're only with me because my grandfather told you that you owed me a life debt and made you promise. This prophecy is the only reason you gave me the time of day."

"How can you forget our past?" He searches my eyes, and his gaze swirls .

"What past?"

"Do you care for me at all?" He lifts his hand to the mirror I disappeared into. "Or is this all you'll ever feel? Are you still trapped in that moment with him? Because if that is all you have, let me know now."

His words hit me like a physical blow. Paul's loss had consumed me for so long, and the guilt, the grief, had become a part of me. But standing here, having relived the alternative option where no one lives, I start to realize something. I've been stuck. Stuck in a memory, stuck in a past that never happened. And no matter how much I loved Paul, he's gone. He's never coming back.

The pain is still there—sharp and deep—but there's something else too. An understanding. A clarity I didn't have before.

"I'm sorry, Costin. Part of me will always love him and wonder what if." I can't make myself lie to soften the truth. "But what I had with him was just a glimpse at a life I can't have. I've been told I'm not special and I will never have magic. I used to wish so hard when I was little that I'd somehow come into power and be worthy of my family. As I got older, I realized coming into powerful magic was never going to happen, and I needed a more realistic dream. So, I fantasized about being normal. Everyone's voices have been in my head, telling me what I am, what I need to do, and who I need to be. The truth is, I don't know what I want."

The words feel like a release, like a weight lifting off my chest. I take a deep breath, my body still shaking, but I feel... lighter. As though, for the first time, I'm allowing myself to admit the full truth.

I study Costin. My heart is still raw from the pain of the memory, but my head is clearer now. "I won't forget him," I admit softly. "But I can't live in that moment forever."

The mirrors start to sway and shimmer. Those shimmers turn into tiny green butterflies. The answer to this last trial comes to my tired brain like a whisper from beyond. That is what I have not had the courage to face until now. I've been lying to everyone and pining for a future that can never be. I've been too afraid to talk about what happened to me.

"It's like the prophecy said." I lift my hand to stir the butterflies. They swarm around us, and I feel their magic blanketing us. "Fate cannot be changed."