Chapter 19

Chapter

Nineteen

The light around me starts to flicker, and the image begins to clear as the fog takes shape.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam," a voice calls as if from far away. I hear a slight whistle. "This way."

My blood runs cold.

The world tilts before righting itself, and I'm no longer in the labyrinth. I'm standing in my birth mother's San Francisco Victorian home. I've only been there once—in the alternate timeline—but I easily recognize the eclectic space. There is a cozy air to the home, one that had made me feel as if I truly belonged for the briefest of times. The floor-to-ceiling bookcases aren't filled with ancient magical tomes but rather novels and self-help books, and there is a charming reading nook. The home is well lived in, with protective charms and totems that blend with artistic decorations. It's nothing like the perfect, unchanging decor of Astrid's domain.

It's how I remember it. Exactly. Down to the takeout Chinese food on the coffee table. We had to eat in the living room because there is no dining table. Instead, art easels fill the dining room. I stand amongst those paintings now, looking through the large archway between the rooms.

An open decorative box is placed on the living room floor. That is where Lorelai kept her vampire stakes. Costin's vampiric sister is waiting outside with her brood to avenge his death, but she never makes it inside.

No one else is here, but I feel as if they're close.

"No," I whisper. "Not this night. Not again."

I can't breathe. This is the night the amulet broke. I reach for my neck, thinking I might feel it. It's not there. I can't go back to this timeline. This has to be a mistake. My heart pounds, and I look around in panic, desperately searching for Paul.

No. No. No. Not again. I can't do this again.

I turn around, looking for the mirror portal that brought me here. It's gone. There is no labyrinth, only this house.

"Anthony?" I whisper. "Costin? Get me out of here."

They don't answer. They're not here. In this world, they're already dead .

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam," the disembodied voice repeats louder than before . "This way."

Conrad.

"No," I beg the universe, barely able to get the word out. I refuse to look toward the sound. I can't do this again. My heart aches in my chest. This is my hell.

The universe doesn't care.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam. This way." The voice sounds caught in a loop as if it's waiting for me to press play on this version of the past.

My breathing sounds abnormally loud. I think of everything that's happened to me since this moment when my timeline reset—Conrad's death and subsequent haunting, Paul and Diana's life without remembering me, un-meeting the birth mother I just found. Then there is Mortimer engaging me to Chester Freemont, the worst possible option. Costin, who I'm starting to really care about, who thinks what every other supernatural creature thinks about me, that I'm delicate and incapable of doing anything great on my own. And the prophecy.

Even with all of that, I would not trade my current suffering for this version of reality. Here, I lose everything—Paul, Anthony, my parents, and even Costin. None of them survived this timeline.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam. This way."

I've relived this moment in my mind a thousand times, and I've tried so hard to forget it a million more.

If the labyrinth is sending me back here, to the time before the amulet broke, maybe it's giving me the chance to change things. But this timeline doesn't fix the past. By this point, everyone but Paul is dead, and Paul will be joining them soon.

What if I stay here? What if fixing the amulet means accepting this fate?

I don't know what to do.

If this is a test of courage, I'm going to fail. I'm terrified.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam. This way."

I hate his voice, hate everything about Conrad.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam. This way."

It's not going to stop. I can't stay frozen in this spot forever.

"You're in the hall of mirrors," I tell myself, my voice shaky. "This is a trial. You just have to do it."

All that may be true, but that doesn't mean this isn't real.

I wish I was normal. This is as far from normal as a human can get.

"Yoo-hoo, Tam-tam. This way."

I hesitate before slowly turning to look. The room is no longer empty. Ghosts from the past sit in solid reality, like actors taking their places within the scene .

Conrad is dressed in a style preferred by young vampires, in a silk shirt and dress pants. He always tried to impress them. He even went so far as to try to become one. Now, he looks in my direction, eyes glassy and wild like he's high on something. I turn my attention to the gun in his hand before looking at the couch where he's pointing it at Paul and my birth mother.

Lorelai is terrified. She's what I imagine I'll look like in twenty years. We share the same hazel eyes and curly hair. However, Lorelai's hair has a wild, untamed quality that Astrid would never let me get away with. Lorelai prefers a more natural style, without makeup, and favors an artistic Bohemian flair.

Paul's soulful brown eyes are tinged with fear. His wavy brown hair is messy. We'd made love earlier in the day, and I want nothing more than to rewind to that moment. He looks so handsome. It makes my heart ache.

Paul never asked to be brought into this supernatural world. By the time he learned that supernatural creatures are real, it was too late for him to turn back. Monsters have been tormenting him and his daughter since they met me.

"Paul," I say. "I'm so sorry."

He doesn't respond. I know what is to come. I have to stop it .

If this is how the amulet fixes itself, I can't live with that. There must be another way. I have to break this timeline.

"Conrad," I try to plead. I rush into the living room to stand between the couch and the gun. "You don't have to do this. It's not going to end the way you?—"

"Don't mind them. I told them if they moved or made a sound, I'd shoot everyone." Conrad is still staring at where I had been standing.

I follow his gaze to find a ghostly image of my past self. I'm the only figure who's not solid. Conrad keeps talking, but I don't listen. I grab Paul to try to force him to look at me. My touch has no effect on him. "Paul, you have to get out of here. You have to run."

But where can he go? Vampires are outside. He won't stand a chance against them.

He doesn't hear me. I try to pull Lorelai off the couch. She doesn't respond. They're locked in the past. I'm having no effect.

Conrad's gun bounces between Paul and Lorelai like he's deciding who to shoot first. I climb over the coffee table and grab the gun from his hands. I point it at him. He holds his hands out like he still carries it.

"Hey," the ghostly echo of my past self tries to reason, the sound airy and distant. "What are we doing here? Come on, Conrad. Look at me. It's me. Talk to me. We're family."

The words distract me for a split second, and the gun disappears from my grip without me realizing it. When I look back, it has returned to Conrad.

There isn't much time. I hurry out of the room, away from the scene. I can still hear it playing out. Desperate, I look at every reflective surface I can find. "Anthony? Costin? Can you hear me?"

I can't find a way out.

What do I do? What do I do?

Fuck!

I end up in the kitchen. My hands shake violently as I dig through the drawers, only to grab a butcher knife. I run back into the living room, wielding the blade.

"Remember when we were little?" my past self is trying to reach Conrad. Spoiler alert: I fail. "Those nights on the balcony? Those days breaking the rules in the library? It was you and me against the supernatural world…"

I ignore my past self.

"Conrad, put the gun down," I order.

They don't hear me.

I try to give the knife to my past self. I won't take it.

I go to Conrad and hesitate a second. I close my eyes and make a weak noise as I plunge the blade into his stomach. I feel the resistance as it goes in.

I wait, too afraid to look at what I've done.

Conrad gives a short, humorless laugh and says, "Stop being so na?ve. We're not family. We've never been family. Do you know what I remember? Davis shows up at the Turnblads' house, asks to inspect the kid who had a run-in with gremlins at the group home before coming to stay with them, drops off a wad of cash, and takes me like a puppy he picked up at the pound."

I withdraw the blade and blindly stab a second time. I feel it enter his body.

"Lady Astrid made it very clear that my only purpose was to take care of you, entertain you ," Conrad continues.

I try to stab him a third time, screaming as I do so.

"Be Tamara's brother." Conrad keeps playing his part. "Go to school with Tamara. Take care of lonely Tamara. Watch out for Tamara. She's gullible and easily manipulated by others. Never tell Tamara. If anything happens to Tamara, you'll find yourself back at the pound. So, because you needed a friend, I got to spend the next decade as your babysitter. Every time you messed up or got hurt, I was punished, even as an adult. "

Just like the first time I heard them, his words hurt.

"You know that is not how it was," my ghostly self argues.

"Grow up!" Conrad yells, swinging the gun toward my ghost. "Open your eyes, sister."

I open my eyes, even though he's not talking to the current me. The knife I shoved into him is gone.

"Watch it." Paul's voice makes my breath catch. "Point that over here."

"I don't know what to do!" I scream at the labyrinth, helpless. Nothing I do changes anything. Tears are streaming down my face. "Stop this! You win! Stop! I get it. I'm helpless to change this moment. I'm not anything special. Fate picked the wrong champion."

Conrad keeps speaking, ranting like a madman. "And do you know what the final straw was? I find out that I'm not even in their will. Anthony was. You are. Uncle Mortimer even gets a piece. The only way I get anything is if all of you are dead, and that's because, legally, I'm next in line. They acted like I was a servant, not their son."

My past self tries to reason with him, but I don't listen. I rush around the coffee table to kneel close to Paul and Lorelai. I try to touch their cheeks and can feel the texture of their skin, but they don't feel me .

"They didn't love me. But they taught me that in this life, it's everyone for themselves," Conrad says.

"I believe you." Lorelai attempts to soothe the maniac in her living room. I had almost forgotten the sound of her voice. "I know firsthand how Davis and Astrid could be. But they're gone now. You don't have to do this. Tamara is not them."

"Shut. Up," Conrad demands. "No one is talking to you, birth mother."

"I'm not saying our parents were perfect. They weren't. No one is. They might not have known how to show it, but they loved us."

I want to tell my past self to shut up. Talking him out of his delusions doesn't work.

Paul tenses beneath my hand.

"Sit down!" Conrad says. "Or I'll shoot her."

"You can't hurt her. She's protected," Lorelai denies, meaning the amulet. "You never get what you're after. If you leave now, we'll forget you were here. Tamara has already promised you'll be taken care of."

"Right. Protected," Conrad says. "You know, I kept wondering how on earth you survived all those times. I waited until you and Anthony were high in the closet with his boy toy. There is no way you should have escaped that hallway. Even Costin couldn't escape that hallway."

Conrad continues with his evil monologue, sounding very much like a lunatic as he speaks of his mother and the Turnblads and all the wrongs he's believed he's suffered. I know now that he's been watching them like a crazy stalker in his bedroom closet.

I grab Paul's face, and when I put myself in his eyeline, it feels like he's looking at me. I lean in to kiss him, feeling the warmth of his unresponsive lips. I whisper against him, "I'm so sorry. I can't change this. I don't know how to save you."

"Supernaturals believe they are so superior," Conrad continues, each word bringing me deeper into hell as the seconds tick past. I stare at Paul, begging for him to wake up and see me. "…when you survived all of that and the vampire attack at the motel, I knew no one was that lucky. Elizabeth agreed to handle your death personally. When she told me what happened, I realized that the necklace isn't just a story."

"Conrad, I—" my past begs.

I remember Conrad then aimed the gun at my head.

I try to hold Paul down on the couch, but he slips through my fingers as he tries to save my past self. "Tamara!"

Bang !

Lorelai screams.

Glass shatters. The first shot was meant for me. The amulet protected me.

I watch as Paul sweeps my ghost into his protective embrace. His hands move over my body to check for injury.

"How is this a test of courage?" I yell at the labyrinth, tears streaming down my face. "I can't do anything. I can't fix this. I can't…"

Conrad laughs and does a strange little dance of happiness. "Holy shit, it's true!"

Conrad orders Lorelai to join me and Paul. After she obeys, he says, "Give me the amulet."

"No." Paul puts his hand in front of me to block any transfer.

"It won't work for you," Lorelai tells Conrad.

I run toward where Paul is standing and hold out my arms to block Conrad.

"She's telling the truth. Remember, I told you what our grandfather said," my ghost reminds him. "Once I put it on, it bonded to me. It doesn't work for anyone else."

Conrad gives a loud, grumbling sigh of irritation and aims his gun.

"Kill me instead," I beg the labyrinth. "Take me. It doesn't have to end like?—"

A loud bang stops my plea. I feel angry white heat stab through my stomach .

I look down, expecting blood. The bullet should have injured me, but I'm fine.

It is happening. Just like before. Just like my nightmares.

I hear Paul fall behind me. I don't have to look. I know what's happening. Blood is spilling out over his chest from his heart. I know his eyes are wide with shock, and he's trying to speak, but no words make it past his dying lips. All I could do was hold him as his life slipped away.

"Paul?" My past is trying to stop the bleeding. "Paul!"

I turn. I'm not sure why. I don't want to watch this, but I can't stop myself. I already know how this ends. I know what happens next.

My ghost cradles Paul, uselessly pressing a hand over his heart. "Paul, baby, look at me. Stay with me. Don't leave me."

I stand over the scene, staring at Paul's face as I try to suck back tears. He tries to speak, but only gurgles. The sound is as awful as I relive in my dreams. Lorelai is trying to help, but she can't.

It's coming. Any second.

I listen to his breathing. It suddenly stops, and he goes limp. His dead eyes haunt me.

The weight of Paul's death crushes me all over again, and I feel like I'm drowning in my own guilt. I couldn't save him. I failed him .

Pain releases inside me like a vice, crushing the last bit of my hope. The moment of losing him is as sharp and fresh as the first time it had happened. No, that's not right. I truly believe that it's worse now. I scream so loud and long, limbs shaking with the force of it. No one cares. No one can hear me. I try to hit Conrad, but he doesn't feel me.

"Is this what you want?" I demand. I don't know if I yell at the labyrinth or the prophecy or the very root of magic itself. "You want me to lose everything that matters?"

I fall to the ground to curl into a ball and hold my head as I rock back and forth. All I can hope is that this isn't real. That it will end, and I'll be back in the chamber of mirrors.

"Tamara," Lorelai's voice whispers, and I know she's not talking to me, the real me.

I can't open my eyes as I rock harder. I'm not brave. This is one trial I can't pass.

"All those times," comes my distorted ghostly echo. "I made excuses for you. I told people you had a hard life but were good deep down."

I finally open my eyes to look at Conrad. He's smirking, and I remember thinking that he watched my grief like a play. It amused him. He enjoyed it.

"But they were right. You're broken. You're…" My ghost sobs .

"Let's try this again," Conrad taunts. "Hand me the amulet, or I shoot Mommy."

"Don't. He'll kill us both anyway," Lorelai warns as Conrad steps forward to aim the gun at her head.

I crawl to Paul's body, stroking his cheek as I ignore everything else.

"I'm so sorry this happened, Paul." I lean over to kiss his unresponsive lips gently. This world is not right. "We only had a few days, but they were the best of my life. I love you."

"Tick-tock. Necklace or Mommy?" Conrad says.

"Here. Take it. I hope you choke on it!" My ghost throws the amulet at Conrad.

"No!" Lorelai dives after the amulet but misses.

"I loved you so much in those few days." I kiss Paul again before turning to watch Conrad.

The amulet had landed next to his feet, and he swoops it up.

Almost numb, I stare at my brother. "Do it. Put it on. Take everything you deserve."

"You should have listened to her," Conrad says. "I am going to shoot you both anyway. Thank you for making it so easy."

"Put it on," I growl at him. I don't care that he can't hear me. I want him to suffer for what he's done.

Conrad seems jittery with excitement as he places it around his neck. The red stone shimmers. He thinks he's won, but the gloating doesn't last. The amulet shifts and changes. The red suddenly gives off a green glow and begins to buzz.

Conrad makes a strange noise as a bullet wound magically appears in his neck, and he bleeds. Next, vampire bites appear on his neck, followed by fire erupting at his feet. Every death the amulet has protected me from is visited onto him. He tries to fight it, but as the labyrinth has made all too clear—there is no fixing this moment.

I watch Conrad burn, not blinking or turning away. The amulet falls to the ground and shatters as his head turns to ash and tumbles from his body.

I don't know how long I stay there, watching Conrad die in the flickering flames. Time stands still, and all I can feel is the crushing weight of grief and helplessness. No matter what I do, it's never good enough. I can't save anyone.

"Tamara." Costin's voice cuts through the nightmare, sharp and tense. "Tamara."