Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

AW

ADAM WHITE

2:23 AM

You up?

2:24 AM

Hellooo???

2:25 AM

Not going home w you tomorrow

Gonna stay here an extra night

Taking the train home on Thanksgiving instead

Important shit to do!!!!

2:26 AM

LOVE YOUUUU!!!

EB

EMILY BANKS

2:34 AM

Hey you up?

2:35 AM

SO MUCH to tell you!

We need to FaceTime!!!

NOW pleaseeeeeee

2:36 AM

I know I’ll see u in 2 days for Thanksgiving but I can’t wait!

Two days is too long!!!

2:37 AM

Btw we need to boycott Thanksgiving

Think of how many turkeys are murdered!

Prob 100 million!!!

No joke do the math

Save the whales, save the dolphins, but fuck the turkeys

???!!!

Humans make no sense

Cuz they only care about makin cents

2:39 AM

Just got back from the Fat Black Pussycat

Sister to the Comedy Cellar

COOLEST place and the comedians are so fucking funny!!

You have to come some night

You will laugh your ass off!!!

Comic Strip Live, NY Comedy Club, Gotham, The Stand

ALL GOOD!

You can’t go wrong you pick!!

2:42 AM

We def don’t laugh enough

Everyone needs to lol irl and not just when we text cuz we haven’t actually laughed at all

We’re just typing letters

Life feels too much like just typing the fucking letters and not actually LIVING THE WORDS!!!!

2:43 AM

You have to come w me Em

You will laugh until your lungs hurt

Promise

And it’s funny cuz it’s true and that right there is OXYGEN cuz we don’t get actual honesty irl cuz everyone’s so serious trying to be what corporate fucking America tells us we’re supposed to be

We’re all just fucking posing

Pawns

Living by rules made up by men who don’t give a fuck about us

And we are gasping for air

The real world is bullshit

A big fat lie

And comedy is a big fat black pussycat truth and I swear to god it feels essential to our humanity Em

2:46 AM

COMEDY WILL SAVE US ALL!!!

2:49 AM

I know I just told you how hilarious and amazing comedians are and some of them def are and they’re going to be on SNL and tour with Live Nation and star in their own TV sitcoms and it’s totally fucking worth the cover and two drink minimum to hear those guys but most of them SUUUUCK

Most will never make it

90% don’t

They’re almost all dudes

B list til they die

Their sets are all toilet and masturbation jokes

Not sophisticated or intelligent

Not like…

Wait for it…

ME!!!!

2:55 AM

I wanted to tell you my big news face to face but you won’t FaceTime me and I can’t wait until Thanksgiving

Ready?

I wrote a ONE HOUR COMEDY SPECIAL for NETFLIX!!!!

Who’s a COMEDY GENIUS?

I AM A COMEDY GENIUS!!

SOOOOOOOOO GOOD

I am A LIST!

My picture is going on the fucking walls!!

Netflix is waiting but I need an audience to know for absolute sure before I send it

Like how you can’t tickle yourself

Need to see if all my punches land and make sure every joke makes the audience LOL irl and that audience right now is you Em

3:01 AM

ARE YOU THERE?????!!!!

3:03 AM

The clubs will only let me do five minutes

Same lame story everywhere

I won’t do five

Five is insulting to what I’ve created

I have an HOUR!!!

I need the full hour to do all the call backs and escalate the punches and weave the whole story

Hello? Netflix doesn’t do five min comedy specials

Netflix is expecting an hour from me so why would I waste my time getting on stage to do five???!!!

3:05 AM

Like telling Serena Williams she can only play one serve

Let the woman play the ENTIRE MATCH for gods sake!!!!

If a chef prepares you a meal you don’t just have a taste

You eat EVERYTHING!

La zuppa

L’insalata

La pasta

Il carne

Il dolce

THE WHOLE MEAL!!!

Not the first five minutes of the meal

Simple manners

RESPECT

3:07 AM

EMILY????

3:10 AM

Maybe ur just surprised to be hearing this

I know I told you I’m writing Taylor Swift’s biography

Believe me I STILL AM!!!

I don’t want you to think I have ADD or that you shouldn’t take me seriously

I AM DEAD SERIOUS

3:12 AM

I have plenty of time to do all my classes and comedy and the Taylor Swift book

Doing the research first

Due diligence as Adam would say

Not telling him any of this yet cuz he won’t get it

Telling YOU cuz I LOVE YOU THE MOST!!!!

Pitching the book to her on Instagram

Top of her DMs every morning

You can imagine all the messages she gets from her millions of fans so she can’t reply to me directly or she’ll set an expectation and it would be impossible for her to reply to everyone and she would never want to let a single one of her fans down

She sends me secret notes

Hidden hints

Easter eggs meant just for me

SHHHHHHH

She’s talking to her manager

She’s excited and almost ready to say YES

Any day now!!

3:14 AM

#TaylorSwiftBiographer

#TSwiftBook

I still don’t have a title

Don’t want it to be one of her album titles

That would be too limiting

This is bigger than any one album

This is her whole life

This is EVERYTHING

3:16 AM

CALL ME!!!!

3:18 AM

SL

SOFIA LOGAN

Heyyy

How’s Tufts???

Miss you and Bev and the crew

Thinking of working at a Starbucks in NYC in the afternoons

NYU Starbucks in Washington Square is slammed every day worse than July 4

Remember when you invited me to go to a comedy club?

Sooooo sorry I bailed on you last minute btw

Pls dont be mad

Thank youuuuu for planting that seed cuz I started going to comedy clubs and it’s opened up a whole universe and my future career!!!

Or at least one of them!

I wrote a comedy special for NETFLIX!!!

I feel so inspired and ALIVE!!!

And it all started w YOU!

THANK YOU SOFIA!!!!

I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!

If you ever want to come into the city and see a show lmk and we can go together!

3:20 AM

Once my Netflix comedy special airs my life is going to explode so I prob won’t be working back at Starbucks w you next summer

But we’ll def still hang out!

MB SL 4EVA

3:21 AM

Come to NYC!!!

INSTAGRAM

Taylor Swift

3:37 AM

Hi Taylor!

Sending again in case you missed any of my previous messages:

I’m your biggest fan and I know everyone in the whole world says that to you and it sounds cheesy and cliché but I really am. It’s impossible to overstate it. I’m a writer in New York and for my next project, it would be my great honor to write your biography. I’ve followed and loved you and your work since your debut album. “Teardrops on My Guitar” still breaks my heart in the best way! I could write the book without you and your permission, but the better book, the best possible version of this book would be with you involved. I want it to be authorized and have your full approval and input. I’m available as soon as you give me the okay. Love, Maddy Banks

#TaylorSwiftBiography #TSwiftBook

3:46 AM

Hi Again,

I was thinking, I could even ghost write it if you’d prefer. My name doesn’t need to be on the cover. It could be released as a MEMOIR instead of a biography! I would give up personal fame and accolades for you. To the world, you would be the author. Think about it. Singer, songwriter, and New York Times bestselling author! Another feather in your cap! #TaylorSwiftMemoir #TSwiftBook

3:48 AM

This isn’t a new concept. There are lots of examples. Spare by Prince Harry. A New York Times bestseller. It was actually written by JR Moehringer. Let me be your JR. Your story, your words, your life, beautifully written by me. Your literary ghost. Boo! We’ll sell millions! #TSwiftBook

M

MOM

5:30 AM

I’ve been trying to reach you for two days but you never pick up your phone and your voicemail box is full. There are a bunch of outrageous charges on my credit card. $4,146 at Saks. $7,950 at Prada. $5,325 at Rag & Bone. I’m assuming it was stolen so I called AMEX and canceled the card. Tell me you didn’t make these purchases? Call me. Right now please.

EB

EMILY BANKS

5:37 AM

You know what EMILY? Nvm

You don’t even have a sense of humor so I don’t know why the hell I even bothered asking you

FUCK YOU and ur perfect by the book good girl life

Congratulations

You win

Idk what the fucking prize is but you can have it

I didn’t want it anyway

You sit there judging me and my life and my decisions

Maybe I don’t want to get a nice teaching job that everyone approves of and get engaged to the world’s most boring guy yeah I’m talking about Tim and get married and have a bunch of boring babies and live in a ridiculous McMansion in some stupid suburb

Ur a stepford wife and ur not even married yet

And you don’t even see it

Well I see it

See it all clear as fucking day and I’m not surrendering my life before I even start it thank you very much

You think comedy is stupid and writing Taylor Swift’s memoir is stupid and my life is stupid and I’m stupid but you don’t even give me the courtesy of texting back

You won’t waste ur precious time on me

Well FUCK YOU EMILY

I don’t need you or mom or Adam or anyone’s approval or opinion

I’m doing a one hour comedy special for Netflix and I’m writing Taylor’s memoir and ur going to wish you were more supportive of me when I’m famous

I’m not going to forgive and forget this EMILY

Maybe someday I’ll write MY MEMOIR and you won’t come off looking so good in this moment

Not so good at all

And it’s all on you Em

ALL ON YOU.