14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Luke

Remember that first time you blew at a dandelion as a kid? The utter miracle of watching those small fluffy seeds drift toward the blue sky. Or when you tasted a new flavor of ice cream and thought to yourself, this! This is it! This is my new favorite flavor . Bye-bye, strawberry. See ya, vanilla. This is it! Or, when your parents were all poker-faced leading up to your birthday, convincing you that you weren’t getting that one thing you wanted more than anything. And then you unwrapped that gift and you fucking got it? You remember? Then multiply that by a thousand. Kissing Cody is like seeing the beginning of time while someone whispers all the secrets of the universe into your ear. I’m not kidding. It’s like someone handing you a cue card that says this is the meaning of life! It’s fucking everything.

His lips are soft against mine as he moans against my mouth. It’s a chaste kiss; our mouths are closed, just the cushions of our lips touching, brushing against each other. I can’t help sneaking a peek. Cody has his eyes closed, his golden eyelashes resting against his skin that has a translucent glow in the dim light. He’s so damn pretty. And I mean pretty . Although he’s slightly bigger than me, with a muscular build, he’s not the stereotypical hockey player. He’s not this pumped dude with ridiculously vulgar muscles bulging through his clothes. No, there’s something almost delicate to him. His slender limbs move like he’s dancing when he maneuvers in front of the goal, his steel-gray eyes piercing through his face guard.

Cody moves against me, his hand searching across my chest, then my shoulder, until it settles at the base of my skull, fingers carefully trailing through my hair. I don’t know much about anatomy or how the human body works, but it sure does feel like something explodes inside my chest. Like splinters flying through my limbs, setting my body aflame where they land. My skin tingles wherever his fingers touch me, my lips buzzing against his. I close my eyes, too, and let myself be swept away by this feeling of being connected to Cody like this. I know it’s a cliché, but it feels like a piece of me that’s been missing my whole life has suddenly been returned to me.

A small whimper bursts from Cody’s lips, and he tears himself away from me. Instantly, that feeling of being half a person returns. Like I’m just Lu instead of Luke . A growl of complaint leaves my throat, and I sound like a small animal who’s just lost its food. Like a pitiful squirrel dropping a nut from a tall tree. Or… whatever.

“Holy shit,” Cody whispers against my lips and they tingle all over again as I chase his mouth, the taste of him still lingering. “That was—”

“Amazing,” I breathe while Cody speaks, “a mistake.” It feels like all the air is punched out of my chest and his words register slowly. I carefully blink my eyes open, reluctant to look at him. His fingers have left my body, too, and I suddenly feel the chill of the night air seep into my very bones.

Gray eyes, overflowing with regret, stare back at me.

“I’m sorry,” Cody murmurs. “That shouldn’t have happened.” I nod, stupefied, a loud rush pulsing in my head. “ I shouldn’t have let that happen,” he amends, a softness coasting across his face. “I’m sorry, Luke.” Hearing my name on his lips is almost too much, and I feel like jumping from the sunbed and sprinting for my room. Which is our room. Great.

“It’s okay,” I say, my mouth dry. “You’re right. I mean, we’re roomies. Teammates.”

“Yeah,” he breathes, recognition flickering through his eyes. “Exactly.”

“It would just mess up everything. The whole chemistry on the team.” I hear myself speaking the words, but they don’t resonate inside me. “No need to risk it,” I add, the words bitter on my tongue.

“Right,” Cody nods as he gets up from the bed, brushing a hand through his hair. His lips are puffy and pink and begging to be kissed again. But I know Cody is right. Hooking up with a teammate has disaster written all over it. And still, disaster seems so fucking tempting this very second. Now that I’ve had a taste of Cody’s lips, now I know the feel of them against mine… it’s like my mind is stuck in this loop. Again, again, again. I can only compare it to the first goal I scored in the NHL, the crowd screaming at me, my heart echoing again, again, again . It’s like an addiction. And the more I focus on the fact that it’s a bad idea and that a repeat is out of the question, the more I want it. The more I want him .

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna hit the sack,” Cody speaks, avoiding my gaze. He points his thumb over his shoulder awkwardly at the door from the rooftop. “Early flight tomorrow,” he adds, like I don’t already know that. Like I’m not on the same flight. Shit. Suddenly, I feel exhausted, the road trip hitting me in full force. As I get up too, I try to force my face into a neutral expression. I don’t want to look like a kid who’s just been told that Christmas has been canceled. Even though it kind of feels that way.

I trail a few steps behind Cody toward the stairs, the clean scent of his shampoo wafting toward me. I breathe him in as my eyes zero in on his lean shoulders. Is there a slump in them? I can’t tell. I squint my eyes. For some reason, it feels important right now that there’s a slump in his posture. Because I don’t want to be alone with this feeling. I want Cody to be there with me, too. Because it’s scary feeling everything all at once, especially for a guy like me who hasn’t really had any hardship to deal with. I’ve led a sheltered life. I’ve never had to think too hard about anything. Everything has always been mapped out in front of me and whatever I’ve wanted, I’ve pretty much gotten. Everything has always come easily to me. And now, the one thing that I really want, I can’t have.

And there is. I notice it now. There’s a slump in his shoulders. I’m sure of it. I’m not making it up. I know I’m not. And there’s a strange comfort in that, knowing that Cody feels it too. The irony that you’ve just had the single most enlightening experience of your life and then someone turned off the lights. Misery loves company after all, and I sure feel fucking miserable right now as I walk down the stairs behind Cody, our footsteps echoing off the walls of the narrow staircase.

Somehow, we get back to our room, and the silence stretches out between us. Cody asks if I want to use the bathroom first and I just nod at him. In a daze, I manage to brush my teeth and then pack my stuff while Cody is in the bathroom. When he returns, I’m already in my bed, hiding under the comforter, the light above my headboard turned off. It’s not Cody I’m hiding from. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I guess I’m hiding from myself and the fact I’m heartbroken. And so fucking mad at myself for initiating that kiss when I knew I shouldn’t have.

I hear Cody move around in his bed before he turns off his light, too. The darkness is all-consuming as it surrounds me, and I swear I can hear my heart beating like a drum. I wonder if Cody can hear it, too. How our kiss has affected me. Turned my entire world upside down. In all my life, I’ve kissed perhaps a handful of people, but no kiss has ever left me this shaken. I guess I just have to suck it up. Forget about it. Get over it. Exhaling deeply, I bury my face in the soft pillow. From across the room, I hear Cody shift too, a deep sigh leaving him.

“Goodnight, Luke,” his voice drifts across the room, finding me, wrapping itself around me. For a second, I think about pretending to be asleep. But Cody doesn’t deserve that. He’s not the one I’m mad at.

“Goodnight, Cody,” I murmur back, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible.

Goodnight.