13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Cody

“Man, that was close, right?” Luke smiles at me, his eyes hooded, fatigue painted across his face. He lies splayed out on a sun chair on the rooftop terrace of the hotel we’re staying at in San Diego. Stretching his arms above his head, he groans, his neck muscles popping. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of pale skin where his T-shirt has ridden up, revealing his rippling stomach.

“Nah, I never had any doubts,” I smirk back, my voice drowsy from the one post-game beer I had down in the hotel bar.

“Shut up.” Luke reaches out across the small table between us and pushes at my shoulder. I’m lying down, too, lazily reclined on an identical sun bed, enjoying the cool breeze wafting across the terrace. It’s a clear night, but you can’t see any stars, the big city lights polluting the sky, making it impossible to spot them. The rest of the team have either gone back to their rooms or are down in the bar still celebrating what has been a successful away week.

After the euphoric win in Utah, my home state, we moved on to Texas and won against the Dallas Star Chasers in a messy game with a lot of penalties. Virtanen busted an eyebrow in a faceoff with one of the Chasers, and Kennedy sprained his right wrist when he was thrown against the ice.

“I didn’t,” I protest. “I knew we were gonna win tonight. Troye told me.” I stick out my tongue teasingly.

“Fuck off, man. Now he talks to you?” Luke shakes his head.

“What? Antoine doesn’t talk to you?” I mock-gasp. “He didn’t tell ya we were gonna shut down those Devils?” We did. We owned the game from start until finish, stunning the shit out of the San Diego Devils in the first period with two goals in rapid succession. Our defense was rock solid at the other end. I only let in one goal the entire game and in the end, we came away with a solid 4-1 victory.

“That’s not the kinda relationship we have, Antoine and I,” Luke pats the left side of his chest just above his heart.

“Cute,” I grin, yawning loudly. As amazing as this week has been, I’m wiped out and ready to go home. Home . Aurora is home now. Every muscle in my body aches and I’m longing for my own bed. My knee is good, though, and I’m very well aware that it has a lot to do with the guy lying next to me. During all three games, Luke has had my back, covering me, and keeping me out of harm’s way. It’s like he always knows exactly how to move to protect me, and I’ve never had this type of connection with another player before.

It hasn’t gone unnoticed by the press either, a Denver Sports broadcaster referring to the divine synergy between Luke and me yesterday while the Denver Gazette named us the new dream team in their sports news.

“My parents are flying out for our next couple of home games,” Luke hums. “My dad has a conference in Aspen, so my mom’s coming with him.” As always, when conversation lands on parents or siblings, my chest tightens, and it feels like someone is sitting on top of me. The other players’ families fly in regularly to watch our home games and Buckhammer’s entire family came out to dinner with us in Dallas. My mom has yet to make an appearance at a game, which doesn’t surprise me since she’s probably deeply engulfed in her latest love affair. She’ll be sure to grace me with her presence if we make it to the playoffs, though. No way hockey mom extraordinaire is going to want to miss that. Yeah, Mom being a no-show so far doesn’t bother me too much, though. I’d rather have her stay back in Arizona instead of breathing down my neck, pointing out imagined mistakes on my part.

“That’s nice,” I say.

“What about you? Do your folks live far away?” Luke tips his head back to look at the midnight-blue sky and his face relaxed, the slope of his soft chin beckoning for my fingers to trace it. To find out if his skin is really as smooth as it looks.

“Nah, my mom lives in Arizona,” I croak, averting my gaze.

“And your dad?”

“It’s just me and my mom,” I swallow, regret washing over me. “My, uhm… my parents divorced when I was nine. My older brother, Danny, went to live with my dad in Idaho, and I moved to Phoenix with my mom shortly after.” It’s the same story I always tell people. Just another fragmented family scattered across the US. I never go into details and people usually leave it at that. But tonight, something feels off. Perhaps because Luke and I have grown close over the past few weeks. Not only as teammates, but also as roomies and maybe even friends. There’s never any trace of judgment from his end, always just this openness that makes me want to open up in return. So, I decide to do something I’ve never done before. I tell him about the one thing in my life that hurts the most.

“I haven’t seen my dad or Danny since that day when I was nine. I don’t know… my mom used to say that he’d started over. Didn’t want me in his life anymore. I never questioned it. But now… I’m not so sure anymore.” I trail off, brushing a hand across my face, feeling out of breath for no particular reason and yet lighter than I have in ages.

“What do you mean?” Luke turns his head, his gaze searching mine.

“I think… I just don’t see my dad doing something like that. He wasn’t that kind of parent while I was growing up. And even if… even if he’d moved on with someone else, he would never have kept Danny and me from each other. He just wouldn’t.” Speaking those words for the first time, sharing this part of myself with someone else, I realize it’s true. My dad just wouldn’t do that. “I think… no, I know my mom kept me from him and Danny. She was always vague at best, shutting me down whenever I asked about them. She kept me from him. I see that now.” My eyes sting and my throat feels raw. At that moment, it’s like a curtain is pulled to the side, and I see the world for what it is. All the lies and my mother’s resentment. It’s like waking up from a long slumber, and suddenly, the world has changed around you and you slowly have to piece it back together again.

“Shit.” Luke sits up in his chair, his hair unruly, sticking out from lying down. “I’m so sorry, man. That’s really fucked up.” His eyes are glowing, his mouth nothing but a narrow line in his beautiful face. Indignation pours off of him in waves. He’s angry. He’s angry on my behalf. “Sorry,” he swallows. “I mean…”

“No, you’re right. It is,” I agree. “It’s really fucked up,” I chuckle bitterly.

“Did you ever try to find them?” He tilts his head, his eyes spilling over with sympathy, which makes me continue.

“No. I only knew that they’d gone to Twin Falls, Idaho, but not where , exactly. Besides, there was always that small voice in the back of my head asking me what if my mom was right, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” He nods, reaching for my hand, grabbing it, holding it in his. His thumb strokes along my knuckles reassuringly as we sit there in the silence of the night, the rooftop so far removed from the ground that there’s no sound of traffic or other big city noises. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Cody. I truly am.” He squeezes my hand, keeping it clasped in his, and the connection is like a lifeline, grounding me.

“Thanks,” I murmur, looking down at our joined hands.

“You could try finding him now,” Luke says, a sudden eagerness in his voice. “I mean, you’re a grown-up now and you can do whatever you want, right?” I shrug. It isn’t the first time that the thought has crossed my mind, but to be honest, I’m terrified at the idea of being rejected. I won’t be able to handle that. Then I’ll rather not know.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“You totally should,” Luke says as he rises from his seat and pushes at my legs, motioning at me to make room for him on my sun bed. I scoot over and he lies down next to me on his side on the narrow bed that’s ridiculously small for just one hockey player, let alone two. Staring into my eyes, his face brightens. “My sisters are these wicked online witches. They know all there is to know about social media and stuff like that.” I blink a few times, my gaze zeroing in on the rapid movements of his plump lips. As interested as I am in where this is going, Luke’s lips are far more fascinating, especially this close. “If you ever wanna try to find them, your dad and brother, I’m pretty sure my sisters could hunt them down in no time.”

There’s nothing but sincerity in Luke’s voice, his eyes two pools of chocolate staring right through me. I swallow as the knot in my chest seems to dissolve bit by bit. Before I know it, I blurt, “I’ve never had this before.” Fuck . Just bring out the goddamn violins.

“What?” Luke breathes, his upper lip curling with curiosity.

“Someone like you, Luke. A friend. Someone who’d do something like that for me.” It’s true, and for a moment I’m afraid that I’ve crossed a line, worried that Luke is going to laugh at me. Laugh at my vulnerability.

“Well, you better get used to it, Mitchell,” he smiles, his gaze flickering between my lips and my eyes. “Just ask Riley. I’m like that gooey stuff that sticks to your boots.”

“What?” I blurt, laughing. “Gooey stuff?” I repeat.

“Yeah. Gum, you know. I’m like gum.” He grins.

“Gum?” I shake my head at the ridiculous image that Luke is painting.

“Yeah, gum. Once I’m stuck to you, there’s no getting rid of me.” Then he seems to sober, nibbling at his bottom lip, deep in thought.

“What?” I ask, my mind still focused on the image of being stuck to Luke.

“So, it’s just you and your mom, huh?” He blushes. “No girlfriend tucked away somewhere?” The question surprises me, even though it often comes up during random conversation, I guess. The press always wants to know which players are spoken for and who are still single.

“Nah… no girlfriend,” I reply. And then, feeling brave, I counter, “You?”

“Nope, me neither, man. Never had one actually.” He continues to bite at his bottom lip, and I want to reach out and pull it from his teeth and soothe the puffy flesh with my thumb.

“Never?” I rasp, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.

“Nope. No time,” he says, smiling.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” I aim for a carelessness in my voice, but that weird flutter is back, a storm brewing in my gut. Time seems to stretch out between us, a strange electricity in the air. I wonder if Luke feels it too or if it’s just me.

Clearing his throat, he reaches out and pulls at the string on my hoodie. Without looking at me, he speaks, his voice timid, “So, if you were to have one… would it be a girlfriend or a… a boyfriend?” He keeps looking away, his fingers playing with the string like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever encountered, a flush spreading across his cheeks.

“A boyfriend,” I breathe. I don’t know why, but my answer seems to release some tension in his body. He looks up with a surprised—and hopeful—smile on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nod.

“Me too,” he murmurs. “I mean, I’m into guys too.”

“Cool,” I reply lamely. And then, since I’ve already told him pretty much my entire life story tonight, I add, “I’m ace, actually. Asexual.”

“Yeah, I figured as much,” Luke says, surprising the shit out of me.

“How—” I blurt.

“I saw your cute little fox,” he chuckles. “The colors.”

“Oh.”

“So… that means you don’t have sex, right?” His eyes coast up my chest, landing on my mouth.

“Yeah. It does,” I admit.

“Not any kind or just, you know… Shit, I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.” The blush increases, now a bright scarlet, like tulips in full bloom.

“Not any kind.” My fingers tingle, and soon after, the familiar ringing sound is in my head. In a minute, I’ll get tunnel vision too. I just know it, my anxiety building.

“Hmmm.”

“What?” I ask, perhaps a tad more defensively than I intended, but fear brings that out in me. The need to be on guard. It’s strange how much Luke’s opinion matters to me.

“Nothing. I just… I always wondered about that,” he exhales.

“About what?”

“You know, how some people don’t have sex. I mean, not that it’s been that hard for me not having any,” he blabbers as he fidgets with the string, twirling it around his index finger. The last part leaves me stunned, unsure if I’ve understood him correctly.

“You’ve never had sex?”

“No. I mean, I’ve tried stuff, but I’ve never had sex- sex. What about you?”

“Sex? Yeah, I tried it a few times. Not for me, though.” We’re lying so close to each other, our sides touching. I can smell his body wash, the delicate scent of something flowery yet fresh. When he moves his head, his hair brushes against my cheek, my skin awakening, goosebumps trailing down my neck.

“Huh,” Luke breathes, his warm breath hitting my chin.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… how did you know? I mean, that you didn’t like it in general, or it wasn’t just bad sex? That the other person just wasn’t right for you?” It’s a legit question; something I used to ask myself repeatedly until I realized it has nothing to do with that other person but everything to do with me. It doesn’t matter if they are good or bad at sex, if there’s even such a thing. They could have sexual superpowers, and it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s something deep within me. I was born this way and the moment I acknowledged that instead of looking for a reason or a cure, I felt this weight lifting. I was set free.

“At first, I didn’t know. I think it was how it made me feel afterward. Like I’d done something that went against everything that I am. I just felt it inside, you know? This feeling of having crossed an invisible line. Like, no matter how much I told myself that sex is something you should want to have, I just knew that doing it again would mean betraying myself. My true self.” I inhale a deep breath, unsure if I’m making sense at all. Luke moves next to me, adjusting his position, resting his head in his hand, looking straight at me.

“Your true self… Yeah, I get that. It makes sense. So, it’s not about the other person, right? Whether they’re right or wrong for you. It’s about you , right?” The more time I spend with Luke, the more he continues to blow me away. It’s like he wants to understand me no matter what. Perhaps it has to do with how he was brought up—to meet other people with acceptance and empathy. Or perhaps it’s his personality—the core of him deep inside. In any case, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he makes me feel accepted and okay the way I am. Like, his friendship doesn’t come with terms or conditions, just like I’ve always felt that my mother’s affections do .

“Yeah,” I whisper, my voice suddenly hoarse. “That… That’s it. It’s about whether I feel right or wrong. And being ace… It just feels right. Like being gay feels right, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” He reaches for my hand, tangling his fingers through mine, almost as if he knows that, at that moment, I need it more than anything. The physical reassurance that it’s okay. That I’m okay.

“So… how come you’ve never had sex?” I ask, my thumb brushing across Luke’s knuckles.

“I just… I never felt like it, to be honest. Just stopped after a few random hookups. Never really did anything for me. Focused all my time on hockey instead, you know. Never really felt like I was missing out. Still don’t feel like I am,” he chuckles.

“Well, maybe you aren’t,” I murmur.

It’s getting chilly, and I’ve lost track of time. I have no idea how long we’ve been up on the rooftop terrace. Time seems fluid when I’m with Luke, like the other night when we binge-watched Heartstopper and fell asleep in his hotel bed, me halfway on top of him.

Eventually, Luke stirs next to me.

“So… do ace people kiss?” he whispers, his lips so close to mine, his eyelashes fluttering. He’s so pretty. Handsome even. One of the most good-looking guys I’ve ever met.

“Yeah, some do, and some don’t. It’s very individual,” I reply, swallowing, suddenly feeling like the entire universe is standing still, just waiting for what’s going to happen next.

“Do you kiss?”

“Yes.”

“So… if I were to kiss you right now? Would that be okay?” His words come out clipped and my heart skips a beat at the bluntness that’s just so Luke.

“Yes. It would be more than okay,” I hear myself answer, my mouth going all rogue on me, Luke’s lips all I can see.

Fuck, am I gonna break my number one rule for this guy?