CHAPTER ELEVEN

AFTERERINHAD cleared a further absence from work—unpaid—it was as if she and Ajax had entered into a tacit agreement to stay in Greece and indulge this desire until it burned out.

At night she would steal into his room, where they would communicate with a primal ferocity that left her breathless and desperate, wondering why their chemistry wasn't waning. The opposite, it felt like.

She was aware of Ajax looking at her more and more as if he wanted to say something, but she would invariably make an excuse to walk away or distract him. Instinctively she knew she didn't want to hear what he might say.

But she felt as if a net was slowly closing around her. She couldn't keep avoiding Ajax for ever. A decision would have to be made. They had to return to New York and get on with their lives. As it was, Erin's firm had been more than generous allowing her all this time off, but she couldn't take advantage for much longer if she expected her job to still be there for her.

And now there was a further potential complication in the mix—one that Erin couldn't even bring herself to fully contemplate. She'd looked at herself in the mirror that morning, after a sudden bout of vomiting, and a feeling of dread coupled with absurd excitement had mixed in her gut—prompting another bout of sickness.

It mightn't be anything, assured an inner voice.

But this was exactly what had happened with Ashling—except she'd ignored it until the point where she hadn't been able to ignore it any longer.

Ashling handed Erin the toy she'd been playing with as they sat under the shade of one of the trees on the lawn in the gardens of Ajax's Athens villa.

‘Thank you,' said Erin absently.

And then, as if manifested by her imagination, she looked up and saw Ajax walking across the lawn to them with a determined look on his face. Erin felt like running—and also too weary to run...as if she'd been running for a long time and wanted to stop.

He was dressed in jeans and a shirt—untucked, sleeves rolled up. He'd been working from home today. Ashling saw him and clapped her hands and stood up unsteadily. Ajax crouched down a few feet away and held out his arms, Ashling had no hesitation and ran straight into them, squealing with glee when he lifted her up high into the air, twirling her around.

Erin envied the simplicity of the relationship between them.

Ajax came over and kneeled down, putting Ashling back on the ground, where she pounced on her toys again. He looked at Erin. ‘Can we talk?'

Panic flared. A sense of nausea gripped her at the memory of earlier that morning.

‘I told Damia I'd help her with an English essay she has due—'

Ajax reached out and caught her hand gently, stopping her from standing.

She stopped and pulled it back.

He said, ‘I'd prefer to talk elsewhere, but you keep running away from me every time I try to talk to you.'

‘I was in your bed last night,' Erin said, almost accusingly—as if he was responsible for some witchcraft that got her to come to him like some kind of automaton.

Ajax snorted. ‘As if that's where we'll get any talking done! Maybe in another ten years, when I don't want you as much as I—'

‘We won't be together in ten years.' Erin cut him off, panic rising. The net was closing around her.

‘Yes, we will, Erin Murphy. Because I love you, and I've been trying to tell you for days now, and you keep avoiding—'

But she was already on her feet, galvanised by a force deep inside that she couldn't fully understand. All she knew was that she had to leave...get away—now.

She started walking blindly up the garden. Ajax called from behind her. ‘Dammit, Erin, would you just—? Where are you going?'

She turned around but kept walking backwards. Ajax was holding Ashling in his arms. She was looking confused, putting out her hand. Erin felt emotion rising, threatening to consume her.

‘I'm sorry... I can't do this,' she got out, and she fled.

The driver had dropped Erin in the Plaka area of Athens. It was crowded with tourists and locals. She walked blindly for a long time, trying not to think of what Ajax had said.

‘I love you.'

He didn't mean it. It was a platitude to get her to agree to stay with him...to create a life that would fall apart once he lost interest.

Erin recognised a doorway and stumbled to a halt. She went in and was greeted by a doorman, who pressed a button on the elevator for her. She stepped into the dark space, only then recognising it as the restaurant where Ajax had taken her on one of those first nights.

She wanted to turn around and get out, but it was too late. The elevator doors were opening again and a waiter was leading her to a quiet table. There weren't many people. It was between lunch and dinner time. The staff changeover was happening.

A glass of water and a glass of wine materialised in front of her—she didn't even remember ordering them. She took a big gulp of water, but ignored the wine.

‘I love you.'

Erin shook her head. But then she thought of Ashling, her face confused, in Ajax's arms, her little hand held out.

A memory rose up, unbidden, of herself as a child, a toddler...crying and pleading, hanging on to her mother's skirt, her hands being prised away, her father lifting her up. And how it had felt to stretch out her hand towards her mother, watching her as she disappeared behind a closed door.

Even at that young age, Erin realised now, she'd believed that somehow she'd caused her to leave. Because she'd loved her mother too much and wanted her to stay. So she'd left.

Erin only realised she was crying when she looked up and saw Ajax standing there. He was immediately concerned, coming to her side.

‘What is it? Is it really so bad if I love you?'

Erin pushed up out of the chair. She had to get away—again. She went towards the elevator, barely noticing that the restaurant was now empty.

The doors were open. She got in and stabbed at the buttons—any buttons—to shut the door and push Ajax back.

The doors started closing, but a hand stopped them and Ajax stepped in.

The doors closed. Erin backed away against a wall.

It finally rose up inside her—the truth of what she was feeling. But she couldn't articulate it.

She said, ‘Please don't say it again.'

The elevator wasn't moving, but Erin was barely aware.

Ajax said, ‘What? That I love you? Well, I do—and I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me.'

Erin shook her head. ‘I don't want to believe you. Because if I believe you then you'll destroy me when you walk away. All this time I've been telling myself I'm worried for Ashling, but it's me. I'm scared for me. Because I can't go through it again. Watching my mother walk out broke something inside me.'

Ajax moved to come closer, but Erin put up a hand.

He stopped. ‘You're not broken, Erin—far from it. Your mother abandoned you...that's a traumatic event that would scar anyone, let alone a small child.'

‘I just walked away from my own daughter.'

Erin felt bile and shame. She'd literally repeated history.

Ajax shook his head. ‘You couldn't walk away from your own child and you know it. This is very different.'

Erin's insides cramped. ‘Is she okay?'

‘She's fine—having dinner with Damia as we speak.'

Erin knew he was right. She would never be able to leave Ashling. She'd walked away from him, from his declaration.

Ajax said, ‘It was my fault. I should have waited. But I've been growing impatient... We've wasted so much time...nearly two years... I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Erin. I want us to have so much more than what we've experienced in our lives.'

She shook her head, emotion rising. She had nothing to hide behind any more. ‘I can't love you... I'm too scared of being hurt again.'

Ajax closed the distance between them and this time Erin couldn't stop him. He cupped her face in his hands and looked down at her with an expression she'd never seen before. Or maybe she had, and she'd told herself it wasn't what she thought it was. Feared it was.

Love. The thing she wanted. The thing she feared.

He said, ‘It's too late. You already love me. And I love you. I think I've loved you from way back...that second night. That's why I let you go.'

Erin hiccupped. ‘You mean dumped me.'

Ajax winced. ‘You got too close. I could see myself becoming obsessed. I wasn't ready. But I didn't forget you. And I didn't want anyone else.'

Erin sniffed. ‘You're just lucky that I was occupied having your daughter and that someone else didn't sweep me off my feet.'

Ajax went pale in the dim light of the small space. ‘Don't even joke about that.'

A tiny, fledgling seed of hope was pushing out of the deep dark fear inside Erin. She said, ‘I won't survive if you dump me again.'

Ajax shook his head, and now he looked fierce. ‘Losing Theo almost destroyed me. I'd never known love could be like that and I wanted nothing to do with it ever again. But you brought me back to life. And Ashling. You made me want to believe again. To trust again. I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you. We are bound together for ever. I want a family with you. I want to shower our children with all the love and security we missed.'

Erin bit her lip and took Ajax's hand, bringing it to her belly, under her shirt. His eyes widened and she said, ‘I don't know for sure, but if my symptoms are anything to go by I could already be pregnant again.'

Ajax's hand spread across Erin's belly. His voice was hoarse. ‘Truly?'

She nodded, and felt any last doubts dissolving at the awe on Ajax's face. ‘That's why I panicked before and ran. I knew this, and I was afraid that if you didn't really mean what you said...if you were just saying it...then we'd be stuck together unhappily, like your parents and all those other people, for the rest of our lives.'

Ajax shook his head. He entwined his fingers with hers and said, ‘Not possible. We're not them and we never will be.'

Then he got down on one knee, and Erin's eyes went wide. He kept her hand in his and said, ‘Erin Murphy, will you please marry me, and have a family with me, and love me as I promise to love you, until death us do part?'

Love. The scariest thing of all. But without it she wouldn't survive.

Erin nodded and slid down on to her knees beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck. ‘I love you, Ajax.' She was finally home.

Home.

When they emerged from the elevator some time later, a little dishevelled but giddy with happiness, Erin said, ‘What is it about us and elevators?'

Ajax said, ‘I don't know, but I'm going to make sure there's one in every one of our properties from now on.'

Erin laughed. ‘Isn't that a little extravagant?'

Ajax picked up his fiancée, uncaring of who looked at them in the street, and said, ‘Well, where else are we going to celebrate our anniversaries?'

‘That's very true—but first can we go home to our baby?'

‘Now, that...' Ajax kissed her ‘...we can do.'