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CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER THREE

S AO P AULO WAS full of tall, soaring buildings as far as the eye could see. They hadn’t driven into the city itself. They were somewhere on the outskirts, on wide, leafy streets. As they’d stepped out of the plane a short while before, the early-morning sun had made the nearby city glimmer in the golden light.

A new day, a new dawn. Sadie had taken it as a sign of better days to come and clung on to that now.

Surely now she could start to rebuild her life? Make amends for what she’d had to do? Be a mother to her son...?

‘You didn’t sleep much on the plane. You could have gone into the bedroom.’

Sadie tensed at virtually the first words Quin had uttered since they’d taken off from New York. He’d noticed her restlessness. She’d been doing her best to try and ignore him and her awareness of him. He’d changed on the plane at some point—into khaki trousers and a short-sleeved white polo shirt. He looked dark and suave and ridiculously sexy, his clothes doing little to hide the powerful body underneath.

Sadie felt self-conscious. She knew she must look tired. And wan. A far cry from the golden tan she’d had the last time she’d known Quin...golden from practically living on the beach. They’d spent more time in the water than on land.

‘I’m fine,’ she said now. ‘I’m not a great sleeper at the best of times.’

Although she knew that the truth of her restlessness had more to with Quin’s proximity and the impending reunion with her son than with anything else.

‘You slept fine when—’ Quin stopped abruptly.

Sadie’s heart thumped. ‘When we were together?’

He didn’t answer. He might want to pretend it hadn’t happened...their relationship. But it had. They had a little boy as proof that once he’d loved her.

She said, ‘I did sleep well with you.’

She blushed. When they’d actually slept. Usually around dawn, after spending hours exploring each other with a thoroughness that had left her wrung out and destroyed by pleasure. But it had been a beautiful destruction.

She’d felt so safe with Quin, in his arms. It had been a completely instinctive sense of well-being, as if as long as she was with him everything would be okay. No wonder her mind had been blank of the horrors—

‘You used to have nightmares.’

Except for those. Her subconscious had provided images at night that she hadn’t been able to understand, and it had only been when her memory returned that she’d realised the nightmares were based on reality. Her memory taunting her.

‘I don’t get them any more.’

Her reality had been enough of a nightmare for the last four years. Now her sleep was broken up with wondering if and how she’d get to see her son. And Quin. And now here she was. Moments away from meeting her son.

‘Does he ever ask about me?’ Sadie blurted out before she could stop herself.

Quin shot her a glance. ‘He’s only just started to recently. Since realising that he’s the only one of his friends who doesn’t have a mother.’

Sadie felt a little sick. ‘What have you told him?’

‘That you had to go away.’

Just that. So stark. No mention of the anguish and pain it had caused her to leave.

The car was slowing to a stop outside relatively inconspicuous-looking gates with lush greenery screening anything behind them from the road.

But Sadie could see the gates were tall and fortified. She also noticed the discreet security men just inside, as the gates swung open as if by magic to admit them.

The car proceeded up a long driveway, bordered on each side by thick vegetation, until suddenly they emerged into a vast open courtyard in front of a modern structure on different levels that somehow managed to blend in with the vegetation around it, as if it had been there for hundreds of years.

Lots of clean lines and glass—more glass than she’d ever seen on a building.

The car pulled to a stop, and before Sadie could prepare herself, the front door of the house opened and a blur of energy ran down the steps towards the car. Quin was out of the car, leaving the door open, and bending down with arms outstretched, ready to welcome his son.

His son. Their son. Her baby boy.

Sadie couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. She was frozen as she watched this tableau from inside the car.

Quin swung Sol up into his arms and she heard Sol saying ecstatically, ‘Papa, you’re home already! Lena said you wouldn’t be back till later!’

‘I wanted to surprise you.’

Shakily, Sadie somehow managed to get out of the car. The driver had opened her door. She stood up and could feel the sun beating down on her head. She looked across the roof of the car at her son and couldn’t believe it. He was leaning back in Quin’s arms now, grinning. He was all at once familiar and totally strange to her. Even though she could see he took after her with his strawberry blond colouring. He had her eyes. Light green-blue. But he had his father’s darker-toned skin. Golden. He had freckles. And an impish smile.

As if feeling her avid gaze on him he turned his head and looked at her. He said, very baldly, ‘Who are you?’

Who was she? She was a stranger. She was this little boy’s mother. She was lost. She was drowning in a sea of emotions.

She opened her mouth. ‘I—’

‘She’s a friend from work. She’s come to help me with a project,’ Quin interjected smoothly.

Sol seemed to take this with total equanimity. ‘What’s her name, Papa?’

Sadie didn’t look at Quin. She could hardly take her eyes off her son.

Quin said, ‘Her name is Sadie.’

Sol repeated it. ‘Sadie... I don’t know anyone with that name. That’s cool.’

The little boy scrambled down out of Quin’s arms and came to stand in front of Sadie. She wasn’t sure how she was still standing when she couldn’t feel her legs any more.

Sol looked up at her. She noticed he was wearing a T-shirt with a school logo and matching shorts. Scuffed sneakers. There was a scab on his knee. He was clearly active.

He said, ‘Hey, do you want to see my bedroom? It’s pretty cool. I’ve got posters of my favourite football players.’

Somehow Sadie found her voice through the blood rushing to her head at the enormity of this moment. ‘You like football?’

He nodded. ‘It’s the best ever. When I get older I’m going to play for Sao Paulo.’

‘You are? That’s—’

‘Come on, Sol, time to go to school. You’ll see Sadie later.’

His eyes widened, mirror images of his mother’s. ‘You’re staying here?’

Sadie dragged her gaze from her son to look at Quin helplessly. She hadn’t even thought about what would happen when she got here. She had no money to pay for accommodation.

His expression was unreadable, and he just said to his son, ‘Perhaps.’

And then an older woman appeared behind Quin, middle-aged, with a kind face and a shrewd gaze that went from Sol to Sadie.

Quin said, ‘This is Madalena. Sol’s nanny and my saviour.’

Sadie smiled weakly at the woman as Sol piped up with, ‘But we call her Lena, ’cos it’s shorter.’

Madalena came and shook Sadie’s hand, smiling warmly. ‘Welcome to Sao Paulo. Excuse us, but it’s time for this young man to get to school.’

She took his hand and they walked away, Sol jumping beside the woman, unable to control his energy. When they’d got into a small car and driven down the driveway Sadie almost sagged back against the bigger car, adrenalin draining down through her body. Quin was standing to the side, watching her carefully, hands in his pockets.

She shook her head. ‘I don’t know...what to say. He’s beautiful...more beautiful than I could have imagined.’

‘Yes, he is. He’s turned out to be a happy, secure little boy...in spite of everything.’

Sadie absorbed the dig. She suddenly felt exhausted, the culmination of the last few days catching up with her.

‘You look washed out.’

‘Thanks,’ Sadie said dryly.

‘Come on, we’ll get something to eat and then I’ll show you where you can stay.’

‘I am staying here?’

He looked at her. ‘If you’re sticking to your story of not having any money then I’m assuming you’ll need a place to stay?’

There was no point trying to defend herself, so Sadie just said simply, ‘I would appreciate that, yes.’

She followed Quin into the vast modern structure, eyes widening as she took in the open, airy spaces. Wood finishes softened the concrete walls and floors. Abstract art added splashes of colour, as did huge rugs with local designs. She caught glimpses of lush foliage all around them through the windows and a pristine green lawn in the distance.

Quin pointed out the dining room beside a massive open-plan kitchen where a man was working at the cooker. He greeted Quin with a smile and they exchanged a few words.

Quin turned to Sadie. ‘This is Roberto, Madalena’s husband. He’s our chef. They both live just next door, through an adjoining garden.’

Sadie smiled shyly. ‘Nice to meet you, Roberto.’

She’d spent so much time in the intervening years avoiding making much contact with people that it felt strange to be able to do this. The man was like his wife, his gaze friendly, but also shrewd. Sadie had the feeling it wouldn’t take much for them to put two and two together.

Quin was striding onwards. Sadie had to hurry to keep up. Clearly he wasn’t giving her this tour out of a sense of solicitousness. There was a sitting room off that area, and another one that could be closed off with sliding doors. There was a gym, and a vast home office.

Sadie asked, ‘You work from home?’

‘Sometimes, but I have an office in Sao Paulo. I employ close to a hundred people now and we’re growing all the time.’

‘That’s really...cool,’ she finished a little lamely, borrowing the word that Sol seemed to like using.

Quin was opening a massive sliding door that led off the open-plan space of the living area out to the garden. Sadie followed him. It was so tranquil. The only sounds were birds calling and the muted hiss of water sprinklers. There were portable goal posts set up—presumably for Sol to play football.

As she followed him down the lawn on strategically placed flagstones Quin said, ‘The entire property is completely self-sustaining. We use solar panels and we have a well. We grow as much of our own produce as we can, and our housekeeper supplies a local homeless charity with the excess.’

Sadie’s heart squeezed. They’d once talked for hours about how they would live sustainably, careful to consider the life of their unborn child. ‘That’s impressive.’

Quin glanced back at her. ‘Sol is obsessed with the planet and environment. His school is big into teaching them about sustainability.’

‘Isn’t four a little young for school?’

‘It’s a preschool class at the International School, until he’s six. Then he’ll be entering into the main curriculum.’

‘Oh.’ Sadie knew that Quin would not appreciate her opinion on how to school their child. Not after abandoning him.

Quin was disappearing down a path between the trees now, and Sadie followed him into a lush, quiet space where a separate building stood. It was in the same vein as the main house but smaller—lots of glass and wood and concrete, all on one level—yet it still managed to blend in with the background.

Quin said, ‘This is our guest house. You can stay here.’

So she wasn’t to be allowed in the familial space. Silly to feel hurt. But it was a reminder that when her memory had returned she’d realised just how alone she’d been all her life—first because of her parents’ tragic premature deaths and then through years of a failed adoption and fostering.

No wonder she’d cleaved to Quin with such passion and blind trust. He’d been the first person to give her any sense of total security and love . A sense of home.

After the surfing accident Quin had offered to let her stay with him—the relative stranger who had saved her life. It had been nuts to say yes, but she’d known on some deep level that she could trust him.

Ostensibly it had been for practical reasons—the hospital had said they weren’t going to release Sadie after the head trauma she’d suffered—and also because she’d lost her memory—unless she could be observed and cared for. There had been no friends rushing forward to offer to take care of her. Her mobile phone had been lost or stolen in the aftermath of the accident. She’d been on her own and vulnerable.

But by the time Sadie had fully recovered, there had been no question of her moving out. By then, she and Quin had embarked on a passionate love affair. All-consuming and life-changing.

She forced down the echoes of the past and moved forward to take in the sizeable property, hoping that her emotions wouldn’t show on her face. ‘This is more than generous, Quin.’

He was moving to the side of the property and Sadie followed him, even though it didn’t seem as if he much cared if she did.

He stood at a break in the trees and pointed. ‘The pool is through there, and the pool house is fully stocked with swimwear and robes, if you want to swim.’

Just looking at the pool made Sadie feel dusty and grimy. It was deliciously inviting, barely a ripple on the green-blue water as it glistened under the sun.

Quin was already moving back to the house, going up a couple of steps, opening the front door. He stood aside to let her pass him and his scent—hints of sea and leather and earth—made her want to close her eyes to breathe him in fully. She kept them wide open and held her breath.

This building was like a micro version of the main house—open spaces, flowing rooms. A massive bedroom suite with dressing room and bathroom. The bathroom had a shower area that was open to the elements, and a colourful bird flew past as Sadie looked up. It was whimsical and romantic.

She quickly diverted her attention back to Quin’s whistlestop tour to crush such rogue notions.

There was a fully stocked kitchen, and a living area that had a luxurious L-shaped couch and a massive TV, even a separate dining area. There was a utility room—the height of luxury to Sadie, who had been pretty much living out of her case and washing her clothes in laundromats for four years.

Again, there were colourful rugs and art to soften the stark modern lines. Sadie liked the style, she found it soothing.

Quin was talking. ‘We have a housekeeper too—Sara. She’s probably in town, shopping for supplies. She’ll unpack your things when she returns.’

Sadie thought of her paltry belongings and said quickly, ‘There’s no need for that. I’ll come and get my case.’

Quin shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘We’ll have something to eat and then I have to go into the office.’

He led the way back up to the main house through the garden, and Sadie once again hurried after him to keep up. A vivid memory assailed her of running to catch up with Quin on the beach in Sao Sebastiao, and how she’d jumped onto his back. He’d caught her legs under her knees. She’d wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, tasting the salt of the sea on his skin.

She stumbled on one of the flagstones, and was pitching forward with a small cry when Quin turned around and caught her.

She fell against him with a small oof .

An immediate wave of heat flushed through her entire body, bringing cells alive that had lain dormant for four years. Electricity hummed along her skin, raising the small hairs. Lust, immediate and raw, pooled in her belly.

She looked up, off-balance and helpless against the storm raging inside her at being so close to him. His eyes were unreadable, though. Two pools of dark obsidian. No chink of light. No forgiveness. Jaw tight. Nostrils flaring.

Before she knew what was happening Quin was putting her away from him with two strong hands on her arms and letting her go. Practically pushing her away. Showing his distaste for having any part of them touching.

Her face flamed. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.’

He was already turning around and striding forward, saying, ‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.’

Sadie followed, and wondered if this man would ever look at her again the way he had on that beautiful day on the beach when they’d been married by a humanist celebrant. Joined by love and the baby growing in her belly. He’d looked at her as if she was the only precious thing in the world. She’d felt so loved...treasured. And she knew that she’d been looking at him the same way because he had been her world.

Still was.

No matter how she might wish otherwise, she’d never stopped loving him. How could she? He was the father of her child. He’d been her first lover.

It had been so perfect...and yet it had dissolved so easily. Yes, her transgression had been huge. Perhaps unforgivable, maybe even when he knew her reasons why.

All she could hope for was that when the dust had settled, and when they’d established an acceptable routine in which she could be part of her son’s life on a permanent basis, one day Quin might not look at her with such abject loathing...

Quin picked up Sol from school that day, to give Lena a break, and all Sol could talk about on the drive back to the house was Sadie . It was unusual. Sol liked people, and wasn’t shy, but he didn’t usually fixate on someone like this. Clearly he’d sensed something about her.

The fact that when he’d stood in front of his mother earlier you’d have had to be blind not to have noticed the resemblance between them.

It had knocked the air out of Quin’s lungs and then made his chest squeeze tight. He’d seen the narrow-eyed look in Lena’s eye. Nothing got past that woman. Or Roberto. But they hadn’t said anything. Yet.

Sol jumped out of the car now, when Quin came to a halt in the main courtyard, and ran into the house. Quin followed, feeling tense. Sol was in the kitchen, helping himself to the healthy snacks Roberto had left out for him—a little post-school ritual. Not for the first time Quin was endlessly grateful that he had such good support around him. Being a single parent was probably the hardest thing he’d ever done. And it had only compounded his anger at his mother for her abandonment.

And Sadie, for hers.

It had been the bitterest pill of all to swallow—the knowledge that he was subjecting his son to the same experience he’d had—growing up with no mother.

Sol spoke around the apple in his mouth and Quin put up a hand. ‘Not with your mouth full, young man. Swallow and then speak.’

Sol did so, with such comic facial expressions that Quin had to bite his lip to stop himself from smiling.

As soon as he could speak, Sol said, ‘Is Sadie gone?’

Quin felt a moment of trepidation. She might very well be gone. Maybe after she’d seen her son she had realised that actually, Quin’s fortune notwithstanding, she didn’t want to do this, and left again? Vanished into thin air.

There was such a mix of conflicting emotions at that idea that Quin said abruptly, ‘Why don’t you change out of your school clothes and put them in the laundry basket for Sara? If she has to pick them up from your floor again she said she’s going to instruct Roberto to feed you nothing but zucchini for a whole week.’

Sol made a gagging sound—he hated zucchini—and ran to his room.

Quin put a hand through his hair. He went outside and looked towards the trees that shielded the guesthouse. He walked towards it, but as he did so memories rose up and threatened to swamp him. Memories of that fateful day when he’d returned to the little beach house where he and Sadie had lived together. He’d had days-old Sol in a harness, strapped to his chest. He’d taken him out for a walk to let Sadie get some rest after an early-morning feed.

When he’d returned to the house he’d been quiet, mindful of Sol sleeping against his chest, and also that Sadie might still be sleeping. But when he’d checked the bedroom, the bed had been empty.

Assuming she was in the bathroom, Quin had waited for a minute. But he’d heard nothing. Concern had grown and, imagining that something had happened, he’d called her name softly and opened the bathroom door—only to find that room empty too.

Maybe she’d gone to the beach?

Quin had gone out to the wraparound veranda and scanned the beach. No sign of Sadie. A sense of unease like nothing he’d ever experienced had crept along his skin. Somehow, he’d known in that moment that she was gone, and yet he hadn’t admitted it to himself for some hours. Waiting. Feeding a fractious Sol with the expressed milk he’d found in the fridge.

It was only in the early afternoon that he’d found the note propped up against a mirror in the bedroom. The note that had struck him like a blow to the head, leaving him reeling.

Please believe me when I say I don’t want to leave but I have to. Don’t try to find me. Take care of Sol. I love you.

I love you. Quin let out a harsh sound. If that had been love then it had confirmed everything he’d been taught growing up. Love didn’t exist. The only love he trusted now was the love he felt for his son.

Quin broke through the tree line and made his way to the guesthouse, telling himself that if Sadie had disappeared again she’d have done them all a huge favour. The fact that he was even feeling any kind of trepidation that she might be gone again irritated him intensely.

Sadie had finished unpacking her paltry belongings some time ago, after returning from lunch, during which Quin had mainly avoided her eye and said as little as possible.

She’d put a wash on—and it was embarrassing how much that had felt like such a treat. She’d explored the entirety of the guesthouse and been blown away again by its sheer opulence, albeit tastefully understated.

She’d showered and changed into soft, worn jeans and a clean T-shirt with short sleeves. She’d resisted the temptation to put her engagement-wedding ring back on her finger and instead had put it on a plain chain around her neck. She couldn’t bear for it not to be touching her skin somewhere. It had become something of a talisman in the last four years, along with the picture of Quin holding Sol when he was a tiny baby.

She’d found a massive TV behind a sliding wooden door, along with a sound system. Books lined shelves—thrillers, literary fiction, commercial fiction, non-fiction. Sadie’s fingers had itched to pick up one of the books—she hadn’t had the mental headspace to do something as relaxing as reading in years. Four years. When she’d been with Quin she’d read voraciously.

Now she was in the bedroom. It was like an oasis of calm, with dark polished wood and soft textiles. Earthen colours. The massive bed looked so inviting that Sadie had no choice but to kick off her shoes and crawl onto it, groaning a little at the way it cushioned her body. Weariness crept over her...a bone-deep weariness. She felt the adrenalin of the last twenty-four hours finally draining from her system.

She was about to close her eyes when she heard a sound, and looked up to see Quin standing in the doorway. Instantly any sense of peace vanished and adrenalin flooded her system again.

She sat up and scooted off the bed. ‘Sorry, I was just—’

‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Quin said tightly. ‘This is your space, and while you’re here you’re our guest. I should have knocked.’

The way Quin had looked at her since they’d met again—with something veering between disgust and severe distrust—made her wonder how much control it was taking for him to be so civil. But she didn’t want to give him any excuse to kick her off his property. Out of their lives.

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I do really appreciate that you’re letting me stay.’

‘Sol was asking if you were still here.’

Sadie’s chest tightened at the mention of her son. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

Quin glanced at his watch. ‘We’ll have supper in about an hour.’

‘Okay.’ Sadie watched Quin leave and disappear back into the trees.

She sat down on the end of the bed, deflating. Absurd to feel so hurt by Quin’s coolness, especially after everything that had happened.

She was here now, and she was free to pursue a life with her son—that was all that mattered. Whatever bond she’d had with Quin was well and truly broken.

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