Chapter 34

34

E lias

It was family day, and I’d had the time of my life watching Mandy and EJ bowl. All three of us were competitive, and none of us wanted to lose. As we pigged out on his favorite food, pizza, we talked major trash for all three games.

I didn’t want it to be over, but I also didn’t want to be up under Amanda for too long. We’d spent all last week together, so I’d been trying to give her space this week so she could miss me and want me just as much as I wanted her.

Things were different between us now. If nothing else came from our time apart while I was with Fiona, at least now we were more open and transparent with each other. I would be lying if I said her going back to school and wanting to do something positive with her life wasn’t a big part of it, but that wasn’t it.

Amanda was more feminine now in the ways that mattered most. Yeah, she always looked good and kept herself up, but her feminine qualities were shining more and more—the warmth, the softness, the sensitivity and vulnerability, the nurturing, the empathy, the care—all that shit was sexy as fuck. It made me fall in love with her all over again.

It wasn’t lost on me that I’d made it clear we couldn’t be together again, but it also wasn’t lost on me that I’d made it clear she was mine. I wasn’t sure how that shit worked but it worked. My heart wanted me to actively pursue her, but I knew we needed to take things slow. Right now, spending time with EJ and working on her business plan brought us closer, and I was grateful for that.

Still, I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Did you mean it when you said you wanted something real with me?” as I walked to her door.

“Yes, but I’m kind of over it now. That was what, almost three months ago? It’s taken some time, but I’ve accepted the fact that I took having you for granted. You’ll probably always be the one that got away.”

“I’m not though. I’m still here.”

Her smile…

“Yeah, because we have a son together.”

“I mean, of course, but I also love you, Amanda. I always have, and I always will.”

She pulled her hands behind her back and rocked on her heels. “Where are you going with this, Elias?”

“I want to be with you… for real.” Her eyes rolled and head shook. I didn’t want her to shut down, so when she tried to cross her arms over her chest, I took her hands into mine. “Was I hurt by your cheating? Yes. I stand behind the things I’ve said over the years. It was hard to be in a relationship with you because I felt you wouldn’t allow me to be a man, your man. We weren’t partners beyond being parents. I didn’t want to be with that woman, and I did just want to coparent in peace, kick it as friends, and fuck.” Her eyes closed as she inhaled a deep breath. “But this version of you is different.” Her eyes opened, and I stepped forward. “This version of you is the woman I knew you could be all along. I knew it was dangerous falling in love with your potential, but look at where we are now. I feel safe with this version of you. I feel like I can trust this version of you. I feel like I could be life partners with this version of you. I feel like I could be your man, your husband, your best friend. Your life lover. So regardless of what happened in our past, I’m telling you that I see the changes in you, and if you still want me, I want us to try again.”

“Bookie…” She cupped my cheek. “How can I trust that you’re not saying this because you’re not with Fiona anymore? Maybe you feel this way because that relationship ended and you’re tired of trying to find someone new.”

My laughter was quiet as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

“I can understand why you’d think that. Ask yourself if what I said about you was true. Do you feel like you’re the same woman you were when we first met?” Her head shook. “Do you feel like you’ve changed for the better?” She nodded. “Have we ever been on the same page with what we’ve wanted before now?” Her head shook. “Do you want to be with me, marry me, and have more babies with me?” Amanda smiled. She nodded. “Then that’s how you can trust what I’m saying is true. But until you do, we can take this as slow as you need us to. I don’t mind waiting on you. You know my ass ain’t going no-fucking-where.”

She snickered and licked her lips as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “What if we try and fail? I don’t think I can take finding my way away from you again. It was only for a little while, but when things were off between us, that was the worst.”

“I hear and receive your fears and hesitation. I ain’t gon’ make it seem like we won’t have issues, but if we do this, it ain’t gon’ be no breaking up. That’s something you won’t ever have to worry about.”

Her mouth twisted to the side as her hands slid down my chest. “Can I have some time to think about it? I do love you and want to be with you. That’s all I’ve wanted for a while. I just…want to make sure the risk is worth it.”

“Of course, bae. I’ll prove to you that it is.”

That wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but I knew she wouldn’t just immediately agree to being in a relationship with me, even if it was what she wanted. We both had some shit to work through before we took that step, and our future was worth the work and the wait. Plus, it would give me the chance to show her that I wanted her for her, not because I’d ended things with Fiona or anything else.