Chapter Nineteen

My heart is in my throat as I make my way downstairs, pure terror for Mila pounding through me with each heavy beat. I"m naked, unarmed, and very fucking possibly outnumbered, but the only thing I can think about is the terrified little blonde I left in my bed. Leaving her in there alone damn near brought me to my knees. If something happens and they get past me to her…I can"t let that happen.

I won"t let that happen.

I"m going to fucking murder whoever Guerrero sent, and then I"m going to find him and kill him slowly. I will hunt him to the ends of the fucking earth if that"s what it takes. Anything to keep the woman upstairs safe.

Please, God, just let me keep her safe.

I make it to the bottom of the stairs and pause. The lights are still on in the kitchen, illuminating part of the living room. A shadow moves back and forth across the floor. I hold my breath and listen, straining to hear every little sound over the beating of my own heart.

A faint shuffling sound comes from inside the kitchen. At random intervals, a quiet thump sounds over the shuffling. I don"t know what the fuck it is, but I"m almost certain there"s only one motherfucker in the house with us.

I can take one. Even naked and unarmed, I can take one. I"ve taken on a hell of a lot more with a hell of a lot less at stake. For Mila, I"ll do whatever the fuck I have to do. I need to do it quickly, though, because I highly doubt they sent only one man after me.

Finn called this morning to let me know that Los Angeles is on the brink of a full-fledged cartel war, exactly like I fucking feared. Guerrero"s people ambushed and killed two members of a rival cartel last night. The motherfucker is planning on taking out anyone who poses a threat to his new drug.

If they"re here to kill me, there are bound to be others lurking around somewhere. I can handle myself, but I"m not about to tempt fate. I need to deal with this son of a bitch and get to the garage. My other guns are locked up in the gun safe I had installed when I bought the condo.

When the shadow moves across the floor again, elongating as if they"re closer to the overhead light in the kitchen than the dark living room, I quickly slip from the bottom step to the wall across from me. I keep my back pressed up against it, moving quietly until I"m right outside the kitchen door, ready to grab the motherfucker standing in my kitchen as soon as he moves again.

I hear another thump inside, followed by a soft curse.

"Where the fuck is my phone?"

My heart stalls and then starts beating again at the sound of that voice.

What the fuck?

I step into the doorway.

Tahani"s dark head is bent over the island as she rifles through the purse set on top. She"s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, with heels on her feet. The toe of one heel thumps at random, impatient intervals against the side of the hardwood.

Relief hits me so hard at the sight of her, my knees threaten to buckle.

"Tahani," I bark.

She screams, scattering shit everywhere as her hands fly up, flinging the contents of her bag all over the kitchen. She spins around to face me and then screams again, slapping her hands over her face.

"What the fuck?" she yells. "You"re naked. Why are you naked? Oh my God! I need brain bleach."

"Fuck," I snap as soon as the words are out of her mouth. "Stay right there."

I practically run into the laundry room and grab a pair of sweats. My heart beats hard, adrenaline still pumping through me. I"m too fucking amped up to be embarrassed that my daughter just saw my dick.

What is she doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I ask her as soon as I have myself covered. "And why the fuck didn"t you call? I could have fucking killed you, Hani. Jesus." She has no idea how bad this shit could have gone. Had she not spoken…had I not realized who she was…I would have snapped her neck.

The thought alone makes my stomach turn.

"I wanted to surprise you. I was worried about you and Mila," she says, her back still to me when I step out of the laundry room. "And I was trying to find my phone to call you so you didn"t think someone was breaking in and come flying down here, but it"s not in my bag. I guess I left it in the car. Are you decent? Please tell me you"re decent."

"I"m decent," I mutter, raking a hand through my hair, trying to calm the fuck down.

She peeks over her shoulder, one eye still closed like she thinks I"m lying to her and my dick is still out. "Thank God," she mumbles when she sees that I"m covered and then spins around to face me, hitting me with a bright smile. "Hi, Daddy," she says then. "Sorry I scared you."

"Jesus," I mumble, pulling her in for a quick hug before setting her away from me again.

Before I can say anything else, sirens wail in the distance, screeching closer.

Fuck me.

Mila is still upstairs in my bed, scared out of her mind. And Tahani"s standing in my kitchen.

"I"ll be right back. Stay here," I order Tahani and then turn and make a run for the stairs, for Mila. My mind runs so fast, I can"t keep up. All I know is that I need to get to Mila and let her know everything is okay. We can sort out the rest after I get her calmed down.

"Mila," I call when I make it to the top of the stairs. "It"s me. Don"t fucking shoot me, baby." I pause outside the bedroom door, waiting for her to acknowledge me.

"Roman?"

She sounds so fucking scared, it breaks my heart.

"Yeah, sweetheart. It"s me."

The door flies open.

"Roman." She flings herself at me, hitting me so hard she knocks me back a step. She sobs, her entire body shaking with the force of her cries. She"s still got my gun in her hands.

"Fuck." I pull her into me and pry her fingers off the weapon. Once I"ve got it secured, I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly. I breathe her in for a moment, relief rushing through me again.

"I thought you were going to die," she whispers, clinging to me.

Her little body shakes and tears pour down her face. Warmth runs through me at her words, hitting me right in the heart. She"s crying because she thought she was going to lose me.

Christ, she"s so fucking sweet it kills me a little.

"Hey. I"m right here," I tell her. "I"m okay, baby. We"re both okay."

Thank God, she"s okay.

"Oh my God," Tahani gasps from behind me, making me tense. I didn"t even hear her following me. "Mila? Why are you–?" Confusion runs through her voice, and then she gasps again.

I don"t even have to look at her to know that she"s put two and two together. Mila"s naked in my arms, my marks all over her gorgeous little body. And my daughter—her best friend—just saw me downstairs, naked. Mila"s claw marks are probably still all over my back, too. It doesn"t take a genius to put the pieces together, and Tahani"s far from stupid.

Fuck. This is not how I wanted this to go down.

"Tahani"s here?" Mila pulls her face from my chest and looks up at me like she"s asking for confirmation that this fucked up situation is really unfolding. Even with tears still trembling in her lashes and staining her face, she"s beautiful. Even with fear and shock in her eyes and her face pale, she takes my breath away.

"What the fuck is going on?" Tahani yells.

I open my mouth to try to explain, only to snap it closed again when someone pounds on the front door.

"Santa Cruz Police Department, open up!" a man yells from outside, his voice muffled.

Motherfucker.

"Stay right there," I bark at Tahani, and then gently untangle Mila"s arms from around me. She"s staring past me at Tahani now, her lips parted. The devastated look on her face kills me. So does the matching look on Tahani"s. The two most important women in my life are hurting and there isn"t a damn thing I can do about it right now. I have to deal with the officer at the door before he kicks the fucking thing in.

Christ, why didn"t I tell Tahani the truth days ago?

Because I"m a selfish bastard, that"s why. For eight years, my daughter has had me wrapped around her little finger, and I didn"t want to hurt her. I didn"t want her to look at me like she is right now…like she doesn"t even fucking know me. So I didn"t say anything.

The officer pounds on the door again.

"Fuck," I growl and then jog down the stairs to deal with him.

"Agent Gregory?" he asks when I pull the door open, his hand going to his gun when he sees mine in my hands. He"s young, maybe twenty-five, but his brown eyes are hard, like he"s been doing this shit for a while and has seen too much.

"Yeah," I mutter, holding the gun out with my palms up so he knows I"m not a threat to him.

"Is everything okay, sir? Where"s the intruder?" His gaze shifts pass me, sweeping through the living room.

I quickly explain the situation, letting him know it was a misunderstanding and that there was no intruder, only my daughter showing up out of the blue.

"I understand," he says, holding my gaze, making it clear he"s not intimidated by me or the fact that I"m with the ATF. "I"d like to speak to the young woman who called us."

I don"t want to deal with this bullshit when my entire world is standing upstairs, hurting because I was a fucking coward, but I can"t even be pissed at him for asking because I would do the same exact thing if our roles were reversed. Mila was hysterical when I got to her, and I"m guessing she probably was when she called 911 too. He needs to see her for himself to make sure she"s okay and I"m not lying to him.

"Give me a minute," I say when he makes like he"s going to follow me into the house. "She isn"t dressed yet." And there is no fucking way I"m letting him see her naked. The thought alone pisses me off.

More sirens rip apart the night, coming closer. I growl when I hear them, my patience wearing thin.

The officer—Evan Arias, according to his badge—steps back onto the porch and grabs the radio microphone looped through the strap on his shoulder, telling any responding units to slow down.

I don"t listen to the rest of what he says before I step back inside the house and climb the stairs.

Tahani"s still standing where I left her, but Mila isn"t. She"s in the bedroom, pulling one of my t-shirts over her head. She"s already put on a little pair of shorts. Tahani doesn"t even look at me when I step up beside her. She keeps her gaze trained on the floor at her feet, standing quietly. My heart clenches at that. She"s never been so silent or still before.

"Mila?" I call softly.

She spins to look at me, her expression making my heart ache. That sadness is back, dimming the bright green color of her eyes. Yet again, I"ve hurt her without even trying. I told her I"d tell Tahani, that it was my responsibility, and I didn"t fucking do it.

I"m an asshole.

"Officer Arias needs to speak with you, baby. He needs to see for himself that you"re okay," I explain.

Tahani makes a sound beside me when I call Mila baby. It"s little more than a pained whimper, and it fucking kills me.

"Okay," Mila whispers. Her eyes flick toward Tahani and then back to me. She offers me a sad little smile and then slips past me down the stairs.

I step into the bedroom and put my gun on the dresser before turning to face Tahani again. I have no fucking clue what to say to her. She deserved more than to find out about me and Mila like this. Mila deserved more than for Tahani to find out this way.

"How long?" Tahani lifts her head to look at me and my heart clenches again. Tears shine in her hazel eyes, hurt and anger written all over her face. Even worse is the disappointment. She"s always looked at me like I"m a fucking hero. Never once, not even when I"ve pissed her off, has she looked at me like she"s disappointed in me, like I"ve failed her as a parent.

"Since I got here," I tell her, my voice rough with emotion. I"ve faced down cartels and members of the fucking Mafia, and never flinched. I"ve combed through buildings looking for bombs, and been just fine. But facing down my daughter? Knowing that I could lose her or Mila when all is said and done? That"s the kind of fear that rips you apart.

"Since you got here." Her expression darkens, her hazel eyes narrowing on me. She pops one hand on her hip, planting her feet apart. "So what? You just decided to start fucking her because you were here and she was available?"

"No," I bark, pissed that she thinks she walked in on some trivial affair. Christ, it was never that. Even when Mila proposed it as two weeks of commitment-free sex, it was never that for me. I know it was never that for her, either. And I don"t want Tahani thinking it was.

But the simple truth is…I don"t know how to tell her that I"ve been crazy for her best friend since the day I met her. I"ve never been that great with words, and I don"t know how to explain any of this to my daughter.

"I love you, Hani," I tell her, trying anyway. My throat feels raw and my heart fucking hurts. It doesn"t matter though. Mila and Tahani are the only things that matter right now. "And I"m fucking sorry you found out this way. I should have told you sooner, and I"m an asshole for keeping it from you. But that"s not even remotely fucking close to what"s going on between me and Mila."

The front door closes and I see Mila hesitate at the bottom of the stairs like she isn"t sure if she should come back up here or not.

"Then what is going on?" Tahani snaps at me. "You"re fucking my best friend! Oh my God." She shakes her head back and forth and then grinds her palms into her eyes like she just caught a mental image. "My father is fucking my best friend."

"Stop saying that," I growl, frustrated even though I shouldn"t be. None of this is her fault.

"What do you want me to say?" she yells at me. "I just caught you and Mila naked, Dad! You"re obviously fucking her."

"It"s not about fucking with her," I snap, running a hand down my face when Mila slips away, disappearing into the living room. "Jesus, Han. I may be an asshole, but I"m not that fucked up, kid. I"m in love with her."

"You…I…" Tahani stutters and stumbles, the shock plain on her face. Tears well in her eyes. "You"re in love with her?"

"Yeah, kiddo."

Her bottom lip quivers as she stares at me, and I know she sees the truth in my eyes.

"I"ve been half in love with her for a long time," I confess, clenching my hands into fists when two tears roll down her cheeks. I want to comfort her like I have every other time she"s come to me crying, but I"m the reason for her tears this time. And I"m not so sure she"d let me hug her right now. "I know it"s fucked up. I"m an asshole for even thinking of her like that. I"m old enough to be her father. She"s your best friend. I know it"s fucked up. I tried to fight it. For four fucking years, I tried to avoid her, to pretend this shit wasn"t happening, but it happened anyway. And I"m tired of pretending that she means nothing to me. Right or wrong, she"s mine, Tahani. I"m fucking crazy about her."

Tahani just watches me as I talk, tears streaming down her face. I"ve never dated much. Certainly never brought them around Tahani. She knows me saying that I"m in love with Mila means something. Fuck, it means everything. I think she knows that, too.

"Why didn"t you tell me?" she asks.

"What was I supposed to say? That I"ve been falling for her every fucking time I"ve seen her. I know how that sounds. I"m old enough to be her father, Tahani. I didn"t want to hurt you and didn"t know she felt the same way." I shake my head, not sure there are words to make this easier for her or to make her feel better about it. Maybe I should have stayed away from Mila, fought harder, refused to go there with her. Maybe that was the right thing to do. But I didn"t do that. Nothing I say will change that fact now.

"You lied to me. You both lied to me."

"I"m sorry."

I"m so fucking sorry, kiddo.

"Maybe you are, but you did it anyway." She smiles at me sadly, that disappointment still in her eyes. "You both knew I was worried about you, but you lied to me anyway. Did you come here because she was here?"

"No, I…" I sigh heavily and shake my head. "I didn"t know she was here when I got here. That"s not why I came."

"Then why?"

For the first time in my life, I think about telling her what"s going on with my job. I seriously consider telling her the whole fucked up truth. But I can"t do that. I can"t burden her with anything else when I"ve already sent her world spinning out of orbit by falling for Mila. I need her safe. It"s my job to protect her, and I can"t fucking tell her the truth when it"ll only worry her more.

"I needed to get away for a while," I say instead, giving her a partial truth.

"You"re still lying to me."

I grit my teeth, but say nothing.

"I"m not a little girl anymore. Why can"t you just tell me what"s going on? I know something"s wrong."

"I can"t, Tahani. It"s not safe."

"Does Mila know?"

I flinch at the question.

"She does, doesn"t she? You told her, but you won"t tell me," she says, her expression crumbling again. Tears stream down her face, betrayal in her gaze. "Why can"t you trust me too?"

"It"s not even like that, Hani," I say, hating that she thinks that"s what this is about, that I don"t trust her. It"s not even remotely close to the truth. "You"re my daughter. It"s my job to protect you, not the other way around."

"Are you in danger?"

"I–" I swallow and shake my head, not willing to vocalize the lie. I"m fucking tired of lying to her. I"ve been doing it for years, and I hate it.

"You"re lying to me again," she whispers and then she sighs, her expression firming. "If you can"t tell me the truth, I don"t think there"s anything else to say."

Those words wreck me, but I don"t blame her for them. How can I? I"m a fucking asshole. If she needs time to work through this…if she needs to be pissed at me for protecting her…so long as she"s safe, I"ll live with it.

"I understand," I tell her, my voice thick. "But none of this is her fault. If you need to be pissed at me…if you need to hate me…I"ll fucking find a way to deal with it. But don"t blame her for any of this. This is on me, okay? Not her."

Tahani opens her mouth and then closes it and nods.

We stand there for a long moment, neither of us speaking, and then I say fuck it and pull her into my chest. I hug her hard, drop a kiss to the top of her head, and then step back, praying like hell that she finds a way to forgive me soon. I don"t know what I"ll do if she doesn"t.

"I think I"m going to find a hotel for the night," she whispers.

"You don"t have to do that, kiddo." I frown at her. This is her house too. She can stay here anytime she wants.

"I think I do." She gives me another sad little smile, her bottom lip quivering. "Bye, Daddy."

"I love you, Tahani." My eyes burn as she turns and walks down the stairs, taking half of my heart with her.

"You should go after her," Mila whispers when she comes up the stairs a few minutes later. She"s crying again.

I pull her into my arms and bury my face in her hair, just breathing her in. She lets me hold her, running her hands up and down my back like she"s trying to comfort me. My nerves are shot, my heart mangled.

"I love you, Roman."

Her soft words ground me, pulling me back from the ledge.

"I love you too." I tip her face up with one hand and press my lips to her forehead. My breath leaves my lips in a shaky exhalation. "I don"t know if she"s going to forgive me. I don"t know what the fuck I"m going to do if she doesn"t."

"I"m tearing you two apart," Mila whispers, reaching up to cup my cheek. More sadness creeps into her eyes.

"No." I take her face in my hands, staring down at her. "Don"t do that, Mila. Don"t go there."

But she is anyway. I see it in her eyes.

"She"s your daughter." She sniffles. "You can"t choose me over her. I won"t let you."

"I"m not―" Fuck. Is that what they think I"m doing? Choosing between them? Is that what has to happen here? I have to pick between the woman who owns me and the daughter who"s been the center of my world since the day I met her? Is that what"s expected of me? How do I make that choice? I can"t. I fucking can"t.

"I would have given anything for my dad to love me enough to fight for me," Mila says, crying harder. "But he chose his addiction and his misery over me."

"Mila–"

"I won"t let you choose me over Tahani, Roman. I won"t."

"Baby–"

She"s sobbing openly now, and I"m afraid she"s going to hyperventilate. I grab her and pull her into me, holding her hard as she fights me. She screams at me to let her go, but I don"t. I trap her against my body, refusing to let go as she breaks down. Every tear eviscerates me, leaving me raw and bleeding. But I don"t let her go.

I will never fucking let her go.

My entire adult life, I"ve played by the rules. I"ve done everything I had to do, everything that was asked of me, and I didn"t complain. I kept Tahani safe. I avoided Mila. Until the day she asked me for two weeks, I played by the fucking rules. But as she falls apart in my arms, crying for the father that broke her heart and out of fear that she"s going to tear me and my daughter apart, I"m fucking done with the rules and doing what"s right.

"I"m not letting you go," I growl in her ear, sweeping her up in my arms. "Not now and not ever, Mila. I"m not letting Tahani go, either. I will not choose between the two of you. Do you hear me, baby?" I lay down on the bed, pulling her down with me and tucking her against my chest. "I"m not letting either of you go."

I hold her until her tears stop and her body sags against mine. She lies quietly in my arms for a long time, not speaking. I don"t know where her mind is at, but I meant every word I said. I"m not letting her or Tahani go. They"re mine.

"Promise me that you"ll fix things with her," she whispers a few minutes later, her voice thick with the tears she just shed.

"I promise you," I vow, "I will fix things with Tahani. Right now, she just needs time to cool down and process. But you aren"t leaving me, baby."

To keep her and to fix things with Tahani, I will do whatever I have to do. Face whatever I have to face. Fuck the rules. Fuck right or wrong. Fuck Guerrero, Francisco, and their war. I will never give up my daughter or Mila. Not for anyone.

Mila"s quiet for a moment, thinking. "Okay," she whispers then, her voice soft and sweet…and full of hope.

My eyes fall closed, relief running through me like an electric current.