Chapter Eight

Holden

Holden set off on a walk into town after Tyler had left, resisting the urge to go to bed and jerk off for the rest of the day. He wasn’t that man anymore. He didn’t need to do it until his cock was so sore it hurt to wear underwear, until his hand was stiff and cramped. Those were the bad old days, when it was normal to spend the entire day jerking off before going out at night to find some random stranger to fuck. He still wanted to do it, but his encounter with Tyler had taken the edge off his desire, even though he had been almost mouth to mouth with his wildest dreams. By rights, they should have been testing the bedsprings back at the house by now. Fucking Amazon. He could almost taste the luscious, decadent warmth of Tyler’s beautiful mouth. Could almost feel the satin skin covering hard muscle. He groaned aloud as he walked, his cock hard and suffocating. Not now, not now. These thoughts would lead him straight to hell. He would veer into the first bar he found and fuck the first available hole that gave consent. And he didn’t want to do that, because he liked Tyler way more than he should.

It was his birthday tomorrow. A big fucking birthday, and by rights, he should have been pounded into the mattress by Tyler as the present to end all presents. Instead, he was walking along the dusty road to the heart of Clear Water Creek with his dick leaking and wishing he could stop somewhere to jerk off. Instead, he was going to be alone, hiding out from his shame.

Main Street presented itself to him in all its glory—a row of buildings featuring the bakery, the doctor’s office, the diner and standing alone, Bluey’s bar. Holden hesitated. He could bet Bluey’s was the only place to pick up ass in town. He could also bet his chances of scoring with a man in there were zero. He knew what small towns were like. Going in and making himself available could result in the beating of his life.

He glanced over at the diner. The idea of writing a book about Finn, or rather Finn writing the book with him helping, had come to Holden during the sleepless night after he’d put a stoned Tyler to bed. Now he wished it hadn’t and he certainly wished he hadn’t voiced the idea to Tyler. Nonetheless, the diner was the only place in town to see a familiar face and probably the safer of the two options, even if he could have done with a strong drink right about now. He walked up to the door and swung it open.

The bell rang. A few people occupied the tables and chairs and the booths along the right-hand wall. Jordan, the lad whom Holden had signed the book for, was behind the counter pouring coffee for a woman with red hair. There was no sign of Finn. Holden’s cock was still hard and throbbing for release. He veered into the bathroom, slammed a stall door and locked it. Then he tore his pants open and shoved them and his briefs down to release his cock. His hand felt like paradise around his desperate flesh. He clapped his other palm over his mouth to stifle his groan of relief at his own rough touch. He leaned against the wall as he jerked himself hard and fast and the flimsy structure shook with the movement of his arm. His imagination drew him close to the end in record time. Him face down on the bed with Tyler driving into his ass, pounding him into the middle of next week and calling him a dirty slut. Because he always had to have that element of shame. He knew if Tyler really called him that, if they ever made it to the bedroom, he would be crushed, but this was fantasy. This was the addiction calling the shots and in it, Holden’s humiliation needed to be complete. Which was why Tyler was also doing him bareback, and filming their tryst, telling him he was going to splash it all over the internet. He gasped and grunted, trembling on the line of orgasm but not quite able to make it. Fine. He would introduce someone else. On the bed, Tyler drew out of him and someone else took his place—Jordan, because there was no such thing as too young for Holden as long as they were over eighteen. And while Jordan fucked him, Tyler, Brandon and Finn watched him. He moaned and shuddered as the four men used him one after the other, called him names and slapped his ass. “Yes,” he said, “yes,” as he came all over the wall and slid down to the floor.

Cold and sober, Holden looked at his flushed face in the mirror before he splashed some water on it. How he hated himself. Why did he always need to degrade himself, whether in fantasy or reality? He dried off his face and exited the bathroom, keeping his gaze lowered as he headed for the counter and took a seat, hoping Finn wasn’t working that day.

But Finn was right there. He caught Holden’s eye and smiled. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Holden felt guilty. Finn was hot, but he was taken, and it seemed to Holden that Finn had been exploited enough without starring in Holden’s perverted fantasies.

“What can I get you?”

“Coffee, black, please.”

“Coming right up.” Finn placed a mug before him and lifted the coffee off the hotplate. “How’s Tyler?”

“He’s okay. Got his leg back on today.”

He saw the genuine happiness on Finn’s face at that. “That’s really great.”

“Yeah.”

“He said he might help you with the house.”

Holden sipped and nodded. “He painted the living room today.”

Finn grinned. “How does it look?”

“Good.”

Finn nodded. “Can I get you some homemade cake?”

“No, thanks.”

Finn took a glass from the steaming dishwasher and started to polish. “Are you writing a book at the moment?”

Holden looked away. “Trying to. It’s not going so well or I wouldn’t be here.”

Finn bit his lip. “I heard about what happened to you. I’m sorry.”

Holden regarded him. It was common knowledge of course, and Finn only had to google him but…had Tyler told him? It seemed Tyler had a big fucking mouth and suddenly Holden didn’t want to keep him out of trouble with Finn.

“I was thinking I might write a non-fiction,” he said. “Something uplifting that’s testament to the survival of the human spirit. A fight back from the brink. That sort of thing.”

Finn had paled. He watched him steadily. “Is that right?”

“Yeah. I heard you were once in a difficult situation.”

Finn’s face became closed. His eyes were full of indescribable pain, like Tyler’s, and Holden wished suddenly with his whole heart that he had not said anything. “Did Tyler tell you this?”

Holden swallowed. Shit. “Don’t be mad at him. Me and him, we were having a heart to heart, about his leg, and he mentioned how people look at him and how it might be the same for you…” Holden gestured to the scar that peeked from the sleeve of Finn’s T-shirt and wished he hadn’t. Finn’s dark blue eyes filled with tears. “Sorry, sorry,” he said quickly. “We weren’t gossiping, I swear. He said you were such a good guy and…” he dried up, mentally shriveling in the face of Finn’s distress.

“And you thought you’d come ask to write a book about what my ex-boyfriend used to do to me?”

“No. No. Not exactly.” Yes, exactly. Oh fuck, Holden, what have you done? “I thought it might be…”

“Cathartic?”

“Yes, cathartic.”

“And worth a few bucks?”

“To both of us, Finn.”

“Sure. To both of us.” Finn looked at him hard for a moment with those tears still standing in his eyes, then he turned and walked through the door into the kitchen.

Fuck it. Fucking fuck it.

The skinny guy with the lip ring whom he’d signed the book for on his first day and whom Holden had just imagined balls deep in him, was staring at him with a frown. The bell rang on the door and Holden heard booted heels ring out on the floor as someone approached the counter.

“Hey, Brandon,” Jordan said and Holden wished he could sink through the floor. Because if the sheriff found out about the conversation he’d just had with Finn, he would most likely wipe the fucking floor with him. “Finn around?”

Jordan looked at Holden. “He’s in the back.”

“Uh-huh. Get me a latte, please.”

“Oat milk?”

“Yeah.”

“Coming right up.”

Brandon glanced at Holden. He was a six feet hunk of a guy who strained his shirts the way Tyler did and make Holden feel what he was—small and inadequate. A fuck up who wasted everybody’s time.

Brandon looked towards the kitchen door and so did Holden, anxiously. Don’t go in there and find him crying or something, please man.

Then the kitchen door swung open and Finn exited with two plates. “Hey, you,” Brandon said with such a smile lighting up his face that Holden ached. Nobody had ever smiled at him like that in his life. Certainly not Leo.

Finn smiled back with the fakest smile Holden had ever seen and came from behind the counter to walk down to the tables by the window with the two plates. Two women sat there and he chatted with them for a few seconds, keeping that smile on his face. Holden saw it slip as he turned away and came back to the counter, catching Holden’s eye.

Brandon missed it. He faced front, sipping from his latte. He had picked up on something, though. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Finn said and started wiping down the counter.

“You didn’t sleep well last night,” Brandon said, lowering his voice.

“Nightmares,” Finn said in a whisper that Holden caught and that made him wish that Dominic the abuser had suffered terribly when Brandon had put a bullet in him.

Brandon reached across the counter. Holden watched him lay his hand over Finn’s and the two men’s eyes meet. They needed no words. Brandon brought Finn’s fingers to his lips and kissed the knuckles before he let go. His eyes were tender with deep feelings. Holden had a lump in his throat. He lowered his head and looked into his coffee cup. Never had he felt more alone in his life and not even the thought of Tyler could raise his spirits because voicing his book ideas had fucked it all up with him too. But they had almost kissed. Holden didn’t know why Tyler wanted to kiss him after their argument. But he had been keen to get out of there, maybe recognizing it for the mistake it was.

He heard the burst of static from the radio on Brandon’s shoulder. Brandon clicked a button. “Say again, Jonah.” Some garbled words came forth and Brandon sighed and took a hefty slug of coffee before he wiped foam from his top lip with a strong hand that Holden eyed and imagined sliding down Finn’s slender body. He liked that idea. He looked from one to the other, conjuring up X-rated scenarios. Just one more part of his addiction was imagining people having sex. He’d do it with strangers or friends who weren’t even a couple, but knowing Finn and Brandon really did it in real life added extra spice. He could think about the two of them tonight while lying in bed, and he would, almost definitely. Think of the hottest, dirtiest things he could imagine them doing. Better that than think of his dead in the water chances with Tyler.

“No rest for the wicked,” Brandon muttered. Holden wasn’t sure if he was replying to this Jonah guy or talking to himself, or Finn. “On my way.” That last was said into the radio and Brandon fished some money from his pocket and left it on the counter before he slid from his stool.

“I’m cooking tonight,” Finn said.

“Looking forward to it as always, baby,” Brandon said with a wink and a smile before he turned and strode away.

“Liar,” Finn said under his breath.

Startled, Holden glanced at him, but Finn was smiling and he was watching Brandon disappear out of the diner with a longing look.