Chapter Seven

Tyler

After they finished their breakfast and Holden led him into the living room, Tyler noticed the table set up with paints, brushes and sandpaper laid out. Holden had said he’d found some supplies in the shed. These lot looked like Holden had popped out to a DIY store and bought them brand new. Tyler looked at him. Did Holden really want him over at the house? Was it the free decorating or was it something more?

He opened up the ladders and set them facing the wall. Then he prized open the top of a tin of white gloss paint with a screwdriver and poured some into a tray. He took the tray and a roller and set them on the top step of the ladder.

“Are you okay to climb up there?” Holden asked with a worried note in his voice. “Maybe I should do that and you paint the baseboards?”

Tyler glanced at him. You really have no idea about what I used to do for a living on a day to day basis, he thought. I shot Taliban. I laid explosives and blew up tanks. Now I’m so emasculated you’re asking me if I can climb four steps. Maybe his look said it all, because Holden looked chastened. “So it feels okay?” he asked, gesturing to the prosthesis.

“Yeah,” Tyler said. “Let’s get this show on the road.” He climbed to the third step, picked up the roller and dipped it in the paint. Holden was watching him as he rolled the paint on the wall. Tyler carried on painting. He liked how the dull, yellowish paint disappeared under the bright white gloss. If only it was so easy to paint over the memories that set his brain on fire. The silence became too much for him. “I did plenty of talking yesterday,” he said, looking down at Holden. “It’s your turn.”

Holden looked horrified. “You really don’t need my sob story,” he said.

“Don’t tell me what I need,” Tyler replied. He gave Holden a reassuring smile. “Fair’s fair. I gave you all the dirt.”

“You didn’t.” Holden regarded him unblinkingly. “You didn’t tell me how you lost your leg, remember?”

“Yeah, okay.” Tyler stretched up to the ceiling to get a bit he’d missed at the top of the wall. “Tell me what happened and I’ll tell you all about the day I got my leg blown off.” He hated the sorry look on Holden’s face.

“Sure,” his landlord said. He picked up the tin of paint and a small brush. “Hurry up and paint down here so I can do the baseboards.” He gestured at the bottom of the wall.

“All right, slave driver. Going as quick as I can.”

Holden was silent for a moment. Then he started to talk. “I met Leo over a year ago. He was handsome and charming. I was flattered by the attention because…” He looked up at Tyler. If that wasn’t a sheepish look, Tyler didn’t know what was. “He was a younger man.”

There. Tyler had it confirmed. Holden liked younger men and Tyler guessed Holden liked him too. His heart sank. He makes a habit of it. A younger man massages his ageing ego. He tried not to let his feelings show on his face but Holden’s eyes caught his for just a moment, and he knew Holden had picked up on it easily. Holden shifted his gaze, while Tyler went back to painting the wall. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any more.

“He’d been to business school. He possessed all the business acumen that I didn’t and he offered to help me out with stuff. I struggled with promo, marketing, all the stuff I hated. He gave me financial advice and soon I stopped needing my accountant because he did my tax returns, kept my books balanced and up to date. He didn’t want a fee for this, he just wanted me, so it seemed. I should have realized it was too good to be true.”

Tyler tensed as Holden’s voice wavered but he didn’t stop the motion of the roller covering the wall in bright shiny white paint. “He moved in. I was fucking crazy about him. He made me start to question why I was giving my agent ten per cent of my hard-earned royalties, when he could look after me for free.” Holden laughed bitterly. “Oh man, he saw me coming. I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker. I thought he loved me. I actually thought he loved me.”

Tyler turned slowly on his ladder to look down at Holden who was now seated on the floor with his knees drawn up. He made a small, pitiable figure and despite not being sure anymore if Holden wanted him for the right reasons, or even wanted him at all, Tyler felt moved beyond reason. “I’m so sorry,” he said.

Holden looked up at him with glistening eyes. He sniffed. “The day I found out he’d gone, he’d timed it so perfectly. I was out all day at a book signing. His phone went to voicemail every time I called him. When I got home, all his stuff was gone, along with my jewelry, laptop, the cash I kept hidden at home. I didn’t call the police straight away. I was too humiliated. I thought it was some sort of mistake, or a joke. I was in a fog and I couldn’t think straight. The next day I got a text from the bank. I needed to add funds because my car payment had bounced. I logged in then and saw it.” Holden’s jaw tightened. He swiped at his eyes. “It was all gone. All my savings. I’d never earned a huge amount of money from my writing, but I did okay, and I saved it all, for better things.”

Tyler came down the ladder and put the roller in the tray. It felt insensitive to be up a ladder painting while Holden was spilling his guts this way. He sat down on the floor facing Holden.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Holden asked in a whisper.

Tyler shook his head. “I think you trusted too much because you’re open and honest and you loved him.”

“No,” Holden said. “I didn’t love him. I thought I did but I was just deceived into thinking that. I didn’t even come close to loving him.”

For some reason, this confession was all-important to Tyler.

Holden seemed to rouse himself. He swiped at his face almost angrily. “So yeah, my house was repossessed by the bank. I’m tied in with my publishers for another book. It’s due in a month. And I haven’t even fucking started it!” He laughed with a note of hysteria.

“What happens if you don’t deliver?”

“They drop me and probably sue me for breach of contract. No other publisher will want to publish me.”

“You don’t have to use a publisher these days,” Tyler pointed out.

Holden sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

“Aren’t you still getting royalties from your other books?”

“They barely cover my living expenses. I had a flurry of sales with my last one and then they dropped within a week. Happens with every book.”

Tyler didn’t know what to say to comfort him. He couldn’t imagine what the panic of knowing you can’t deliver something must be like. That blank page sitting accusing Holden every day. He hesitated before he said, “Then I guess you should ask your publishers if they’ll accept a non-fiction this time and if they say yes, you should go along and see Finn and ask him if he would like to tell his story.” Holden stared at him. “Unless you have that novel plotted away in your head right now and you can get it all down in four weeks?”

Holden shook his head mutely. There was silence. He climbed to his feet. “I think we need more coffee.”

“Sure,” Tyler said. He went back to his painting. Holden was an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen. Tyler had finished the wall and was on his knees painting the baseboards when Holden finally returned with two mugs.

“That was my job,” he said.

“Not a problem,” Tyler replied.

“Here you go.” He placed a mug on the second step of the ladder by Tyler’s shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“I thought you might have run away while I was gone.”

Tyler glanced at him. “Is that why you were so long? Giving me time to run away?”

Holden flushed. He said nothing.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tyler said, turning his attention back to the baseboard.

Holden took another brush from the table. He crouched, dipped it in the can Tyler was using and started at the other end of the baseboard.

They worked their way in until they met. When Holden had done the last few inches, he got up and drank some coffee. Tyler moved the ladder and started on the next wall. They worked in silence for a while. Tyler was mulling over Holden’s story and he guessed Holden was mulling over what he’d told Tyler or maybe he was waiting for Tyler to start talking about his leg.

When Tyler came down the ladder and started on the baseboard, Holden said, “Would you speak to Finn? Prepare him for what I’m going to ask him?”

Tyler glanced at him. “Hey, I met the guy twice.”

“I know, but you told me about his abuse. Imagine if I turn up on his doorstep asking him if he wants to collaborate on a book with me. He’s going to wonder how I know and he’s going to be pretty mad at you. Maybe.”

Shit.Tyler wished he hadn’t told Holden. He was right. Finn could be so mad at him he could break off any fledgling friendship they might have had. And with that soft, thick sock cushioning his stump just right that day, Tyler didn’t want that. “Maybe it was a bad idea,” he muttered.

Holden bit his lip. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“You probably will.”

Holden blew out his breath. “Then would you like to write a book with me about how you came to lose your leg?”

Tyler stiffened. He put the paintbrush in the can. “Not funny.”

“I wasn’t joking.”

Tyler got to his feet. “I get that you’re a writer, but actually, that doesn’t give you open season on everyone’s feelings.”

Holden looked hurt and ashamed. “That wasn’t it.”

“Wasn’t it?”

“No, I just wanted…”

“Yeah, to earn some money at my expense. And Finn’s.” He moved forward and Holden blocked him, grabbing his arm.

“Wait.”

“Get off me.”

“Tyler, please…”

Tyler didn’t look at those dark, beseeching eyes. He tried to shrug Holden off, but he didn’t try very hard because he knew he could hurt the guy, one leg or not, and he didn’t want to do that, no matter how mad he was. “Let me go, Holden. I’ve done your painting; I need to rest.” It wasn’t strictly true because his leg was feeling fine, even from kneeling on the floor. More, he needed to rest his mind and decide what had happened here today and how much further he should let his acquaintance with Holden go.

“I’m sorry,” Holden said and a glance at his face showed Tyler he was mortified. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I wasn’t even serious. I was just desperate. Not that I’d have to be desperate to write your story, I mean, I just…” He let go of Tyler. “I’m worried about money. I’m worried that I’ve dried up and can’t write a word and I know that’s not your problem and…” He stopped.

Tyler stayed in place, their gazes fixed.

“I know you’re so much worse off than me and I appreciate you talking to me last night because it made me feel as good as it made you, trust me. I want to help you and…”

Tyler rested his hands on Holden shoulders as he was talking. He moved closer. He looked down into Holden’s handsome upturned face and then he cupped his cheeks in both hands, searching his eyes.

Holden stared up at him, eyes wide. His eyes were beautiful, so dark they were almost black, the sooty lashes framing them adding to their expressive nature. They were also filled with misery and suffering. Tyler wanted to make it better. He wanted to make himself better by losing himself in Holden. He lowered his lips slowly, seeking Holden’s mouth.

Holden closed his eyes. He waited for Tyler to kiss him and Tyler closed his own eyes in anticipation as their lips almost touched.

A knock came at the door.

Holden drew back, cursing. He was flushed and he darted Tyler a little embarrassed look as he went out into the hallway. Tyler heard him exchanging words with a guy after he’d opened the door, then he closed it again and came back, holding up a small, flat cardboard package.

“Didn’t realize Amazon delivered here,” Tyler said. He had regained his senses and now felt embarrassed that he had tried to kiss Holden. At the same time, he wondered if Amazon hadn’t banged on the door, whether he and Holden would now be semi-naked on the couch.

“Sure,” Holden said. He tore the package open and peered inside. “Yeah, here it is.” He reached free a small, semi-opaque envelope and held it out. “I got these for you.”

Tyler stared, because he recognized the glassine package and what it usually contained. And what it definitely did contain in this case. It wasn’t sealed and corners of colorful bits of paper stuck out. He took it and pulled out a few with his thumb and forefinger.

“I’m sorry,” Holden said when Tyler looked at him wordlessly. “I saw your stamp album. I wasn’t snooping. I thought you might like these. They were only cheap though. I don’t think you’ll find any penny blacks or one cent magentas.”

Tyler spread some of the stamps onto the palm of his hand and saw one with a flower from Hungary, one with a beach scene from St. Kitts and Nevis, some definitives with the late Queen Elizabeth and a historic building from Romania. He looked up at Holden. Two gifts in two days. More gifts than he’d had in years. He raised an eyebrow. “How do you know about the one cent magenta?”

Holden gave a sheepish smile. “I used to collect. Years ago.”

“Yeah?” Tyler smiled because it had been many years since he’d met a fellow collector.

“Yeah. I have all my stamps somewhere still. I thought about getting back into it not long back. I bought a big bundle of stuff from eBay and didn’t get around to looking at them.”

A surprise package of goodies from eBay was the stuff dreams were made of for Tyler. The thrill of not knowing what you were going to get. “I’d like to see them.”

“Sure. I’ll have a look for them.”

Tyler looked down at the stamps on his hand again. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you like them?”

“I love them.”

Holden smiled. “Do you still collect?”

Tyler shook his head. “Can’t afford to.”

“Now you can start again. You’re welcome to take anything you want from my collection too.”

Tyler was thrown. He had been angry with Holden for what he saw as exploitation. Then he had wanted to kiss him, having seen his softer side, now he wanted to hold him for being the generous soul he was.

Instead, he stepped back. “I should go. I need to take my leg off.”

Holden looked disappointed. “Sure. Thanks for your hard work.”

“No problem. Thanks for the breakfast.” Tyler made his way to the front door.

“Your books,” Holden said behind him, holding out the two paperbacks he had given him from upstairs.

Tyler took them. He opened the door and stepped out. Without looking back at Holden, he let himself into the annex and locked the door. Then he went to his bedroom and sat down on the bed with the two books and the packet of stamps by his side.

He glanced at Holden’s novel and then at the other book he’d given him with the army guy on the front. As he looked at it, his mind drifted back to how his lips had almost touched Holden’s. He gave a little shiver. If he started reading this book now, he’d have to jerk off. And maybe Holden would know he’d jerked off over it. If he jerked off, he’d be thinking of how his mouth should have been over Holden’s. Of how their tongues should have entwined and how he should have had Holden beneath him on the couch while Tyler had driven into him until he’d exploded.

Fuck, he was hard. He wanted to go back over to Holden’s house and take what he knew Holden was going to give freely before fucking Amazon knocked on the door. He flicked through the book. Yeah, it was a smutfest. He saw the words fuck, cock and ass on virtually every page. He closed it and took some deep breaths. He wouldn’t jerk off. Not when he could be over there finishing what they had almost started. He shoved the book away from him and picked up Holden’s novel instead.