Chapter Five

Holden

Why did you ask him in? Why, why, why? Are you going to make a pass at him? Drop to your knees and beg to suck his cock?

Over and over the thoughts went around in Holden’s head as he flipped the tops off two beers. He could not make a pass at a guy in his twenties. He could not. He would be more humiliated than he had ever been in his life when Tyler rejected him. But you like the humiliation, a sly voice said. We already established this. If he grabbed you by the hair and made you suck his cock until you choked, you’d love it.

He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut while he took a few deep breaths. Tyler waited for him in the living room. He had no idea why he had invited Tyler over for a beer other than to make a pass at him. He should have been upstairs staring at the winking, accusing cursor on his blank document. He’d rather drink to inebriation then drill Tyler into the couch. Or vice versa. Being fucked was all a part of the addiction. Guaranteed to humiliate him if the man was a rough, uninterested lover. Something Holden was driven to choose over and over again to make himself feel as low as it was possible to get. Would Tyler treat him that way? And didn’t that make his cock hard to think that he might? It shouldn’t have. When was he going to look for the right sort of person and the right sort of sex?

While Tyler was a cool customer, Holden was pretty sure he was gay, and maybe a touch interested. Are you sure? Are you really sure? Why exactly would he be interested in you? What do you have to offer?

The sly voice had a point. Really, what did he have to offer Tyler? But what did Tyler have to offer him? Well, his youth and his firm, fit, strong body for a start, if incomplete. He thought about Tyler’s missing leg. If it bothered Holden so much, why was he still keen to fuck him? Because of the addiction. Because maybe you’re not remotely into him, he’s just someone you’ve been forced into proximity with, someone vulnerable and open to manipulation. He felt sick at that thought. No way could he be the big bad wolf with a younger man. Wrong on so many levels. He wished he knew what was real and what was his addiction calling the shots. He wished they were equals who could fall in love without baggage strangling any chances they might have. Whoah, who started talking about the L word?

He took his final deep breath and walked back into the living room. “There you go.”

“Thanks.” Tyler took the bottle.

Maybe it would have been safer to sit outside where there would be less chance of Holden doing anything stupid, but it was too hot. Despite the lack of air-con, the house was blessedly cool. He could just bet it would be fucking freezing in winter.

He sank into the chair opposite and tipped his bottle, watching when Tyler did the same, noting the bob of his Adam’s apple when he swallowed and longing to trace it with his tongue.

“Was that the guy from the diner visiting?” he asked.

“Yeah. Finn.”

Tyler watched him. Was it obvious that Holden was jealous of Finn? He had to be a good ten or fifteen years younger than him and he had a lean, easy body and a beautiful unlined face. Why wouldn’t he come sniffing around Tyler? Those two would have been great together. He tried not to scowl at his unwelcome thoughts. He hated jealousy. He hated that while he shouldn’t have had any competition for Tyler’s affections in this closed backwater, Tyler had already made a friend of the hottest guy in town.

“His partner’s the sheriff, you know that, right?” Tyler finally said after a silence.

Holden almost exhaled with relief. He had taken a seat next to the hot sheriff at the counter, but hadn’t noticed his interaction with Finn, too busy signing the book for the emo kid. “Really?” he said.

“Yeah.” They watched each other once again. “Did you think he was here for some nefarious purpose?” Tyler looked amused.

Holden felt heat rise up his neck. “Maybe.” He raised an eyebrow, trying to be nonchalant when his pulse beat hard with this all important question that he’d wanted to ask since he met this guy. “Are you gay?”

Tyler looked back at him steadily. “Yeah.”

Holden wanted to fist-pump the air. He didn’t know why, when he had zero chance with Tyler. He tried to keep it calm. “How did that work out for you in the military?”

Tyler scowled. He said nothing.

“Were you out?”

“What do you think?”

Their gazes held. “I’m sorry,” Holden said gently. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.”

He saw Tyler swallow. He looked away.

Holden wanted him to speak. He wanted to hear Tyler’s story. Maybe he wanted to hear the tale of someone so much worse off than him. You lost your money and your home. You didn’t lose your leg. While your mental health has suffered a blow, it’s nothing compared to what this man will suffer for the rest of his life. Maybe listening would put his own troubles into perspective. Maybe he could help Tyler, just by being here. By being the only person here for him as far as Holden could see.

“It’s as macho as you think,” Tyler said.

“Yeah,” Holden said.

“I had friends but… I had to pretend around them. Tell them I was free and easy and didn’t want to get tied down to one woman. While I was picking up guys in bars as soon as I got back on leave.”

“And your family?”

Tyler licked his lips. “I signed up to get away from my family. My dad, when I came out, he…took it bad.” He picked at the label on his beer bottle. “I don’t know, maybe I did it to prove I could be as hard and brave as the next man. That I wasn’t the pansy he accused me of being.” His voice was unsteady. “That sleeping with men didn’t mean I had no balls at all. So I chose the most macho job I could think of.”

Holden felt a tightness in his throat. He was worried that Tyler was going to cry and then Holden would most definitely cry too.

“And your mom?”

Pain flashed across Tyler’s face. “She died, on my first tour of Afghanistan. A hit and run driver. I hadn’t seen her in two years. She chose my dad’s side, even though she sent me messages and asked me to stay in touch.”

Holden regarded him for a long moment. Yeah, Tyler’s story was infinitely worse than his own. From today, Holden couldn’t ever feel sorry for himself again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’ve been dealt a shitty hand.”

Tyler drained his bottle. He shrugged. “Guys out there got four fucking amputations. They’re worse off than me.”

“Don’t compare yourself to anyone else,” Holden said softly, even though he had been doing just that. “You’ve suffered and you continue to suffer. Don’t ever think you should just get on with it. You’re entitled to feel lost and afraid and alone. No one should go through what you’ve been through.”

Tyler stared at him. His grey eyes were filmed with tears. He held his bottle up. “Please can I have another?”

Holden rose. “Yes, you can.” He stepped towards Tyler to retrieve his bottle. For a moment he stood close, looking down at the man on his couch who seemed small and shrunken suddenly with the weight of his pain like a cloak around him. Holden wanted to make it better. He didn’t want to ever see a human being suffer the way Tyler obviously did. He turned away with his eyes welling and headed for the kitchen.

He tried to compose himself as he flipped the tops off two more bottles. Things had gotten serious. Maybe he had invited Tyler over for the wrong reasons, but now things had changed. Now, if anything happened, Holden wanted it to happen in order to provide comfort to Tyler, to show him he was not alone in the world. Not because his addiction was in charge and Tyler happened to be collateral damage.

He returned to the lounge and handed Tyler his bottle. Then he resumed his seat.

“What happened with your leg?” Holden said. He hadn’t meant to ask this so soon. Hadn’t meant for it to come out so bluntly.

Tyler regarded him for a long moment. He took a drink of his beer and stifled a burp. “Does it repulse you?” he asked.

Caught off guard, Holden felt himself redden. Rather than answering the question, he said, “Show me.”

Tyler stared at him. Then he put his bottle down on the small table beside the couch. With both hands, he slid his pant leg up, over his shin and knee to reveal the stump. Steeling himself to keep his face blank, Holden trained his eyes on it.

What remained of Tyler’s lower leg was thin and wasted. Holden could bet his other calf was meaty with muscle. The stump was well healed at the edges, the skin smooth and pink, no evidence of the grievous wound caused by a saw when the foot and ankle had been removed. Nor was the skin red with pressure from the prosthesis the way he had seen it three days ago. It looked altogether better. And how did he feel about it? He didn’t know, apart from it wasn’t as shocking as it had been the first time he had set eyes on it.

Holden lifted his gaze. Tyler had been looking at the stump too. Maybe he was trying to see his leg through Holden’s eyes. He looked up at Holden.

“In answer to your question,” Holden said. “No, it doesn’t repulse me. There’s a part of you gone, that’s all. It doesn’t change who you are as a person. It’s only a body part.”

Tyler regarded him. Holden drank some beer. He’d meant it. They watched each other. “People stare at me,” Tyler said.

“They will,” Holden said. “They’re ignorant. People’ll stare at anybody different.”

“Yeah,” Tyler replied. “Finn has a scar on his arm. Quite a significant burn. I found myself looking the other day when I first met him, and I didn’t mean to. I should have known better when I know what it’s like.”

“You have to remember most people are just curious, the way you were. Just because they look, doesn’t mean they’re judging you or they’re repulsed.”

“Rather that they feel sorry for me?” Tyler said with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s human nature to feel sorry for someone who’s hurt. That doesn’t mean that they’re viewing you as a pitiable figure. More like they’re feeling empathy.”

“It sounds like you’re giving mankind far more credit than they deserve.” Tyler’s tone was dry. “Most people are assholes.” Holden didn’t respond, so Tyler went on. “And after what happened to you, I thought you’d agree with me there.”

Holden was surprised at the nerve Tyler hit. Focusing on Tyler’s problems had almost made him forget his own hurt. He lowered his gaze and chose his words. “Well, it was one man who did what he did.” He dried up. He wanted to say more and couldn’t. Instead, he said, “What happened to Finn?”

Tyler hesitated. Then he said, “An abusive relationship.”

Holden frowned. “Jesus. The burn?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“You should know,” Tyler said, “before somebody tells you.”

“What?” Holden was sure he was not going to like this.

“The sheriff, Brandon, he shot and killed Finn’s ex, Dominic. Here.”

Holden stared at him. He found himself looking around as though he might see blood stains on the floor and splattered on the walls. “That’s just fucking great,” he said softly.

“Sorry,” Tyler said.

Holden took a long pull of his beer. “Do you know whereabouts? In my fucking bedroom?”

Tyler shook his head. He looked guilty. “I don’t know. And I probably wouldn’t tell you if I knew. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry.” Holden huffed and sat back, crossing his ankle over his opposite knee. “Well, we’re doing well. We’ve covered being gay in the military, your parents, your leg, domestic abuse, and the homicide perpetrated in my house.”

Tyler gave an uncomfortable laugh. “I guess it must be your turn.”

Holden shook his head. “Not yet. We haven’t covered how you lost your leg.”

Tyler took a drink of beer. He stared at the bottle, running his fingertip over the label. “I can’t at the moment.”

“That’s okay,” Holden said. He watched Tyler. “Do you get phantom limb pain?”

Tyler sighed. “Do I get phantom limb pain? At the moment it feels like someone’s driving nails into the sole of my non-existent foot.” He looked down at his stump and flexed his knee straight. “I can feel my toes wiggling and they’re not even attached to me anymore.”

Holden swallowed. “Is it constant?”

“No, but mostly yes.”

“Do painkillers help?”

“Sometimes they take the edge off. That’s about it. The only thing that helps is weed.” He gave Holden a self-conscious smile as though he thought Holden might pick up the phone and dial the cops. “But I don’t have any and don’t know where to get any in Clear Water.”

Holden regarded him for several seconds before he said, “Good job I have some then.”

Tyler’s eyes widened. “You do?”

Holden nodded. Their gazes held for the longest time while Holden battled himself back and forwards.

That bastard you once were at the height of your addiction would now use this as a bargaining chip, you know that, right?

What sort of bargaining chip?

Like you don’t fucking know. The weed in exchange for sexual favors.

I’m not sure I’m that bastard anymore.

Aren’t you? What’s changed to make you an angel?

What Leo did to me has changed me. I haven’t thought about sex or had it in months, not until I moved here. I don’t want to ever hurt or use anyone the way he did me or the way other men have. Not anymore.

You sure? Don’t you want to ask him to get on his knees? Or don’t you want to explain that you want to suck his cock in exchange for a joint? That you need him to use you hard, make you feel like that despicable person you know you are?

He stared into Tyler’s clear grey eyes. My God, what a horror I would be if I did that. If I actually did it. But once upon a time, I would have done it without hesitation.

Tyler licked his lips. “I don’t have any money right now, but when I do, could I maybe…buy some from you?”

Holden’s heart broke a little. He shook his head. “No money required. Wait there.” He stood and walked through to the kitchen. In the drawer next to the fridge sat his stash tin with a ready-made joint. He wasn’t a big smoker; this stash had come from his previous life and was months old. Now he suddenly wanted very much to use it. With Tyler.

He found a lighter and went back into the living room, holding the joint for Tyler to see. “Here’s one I made earlier.”

Tyler smiled. It held anticipation and need. But only, it seemed, for what Holden held in his hand. He imagined for a moment smoking the weed, then making slow, stoned love with Tyler. He liked that idea a lot. More than he could say.

“I’m not a pot head,” Holden said.

“Never thought you were.” Tyler’s eyes danced with amusement.

“Let’s go outside. I’ll take your bottle.” He walked over as Tyler held the bottle out, hopping to his foot and leaning on one crutch. For a moment they were close together and Holden smelled Tyler’s clean, fresh scent and a hint of cologne. So fucking good. Enough to stir his cock in shameful ways. The more he thought sexually about Tyler, the more he berated himself as a dirty old man. He took the bottle and their fingers brushed. The beer was almost gone. “I’ll get you another. Go on out.”

“I’m not an alcoholic,” Tyler shouted after him as he went into the kitchen.

Holden laughed. “Never thought you were.” He procured two more beers and held them in one hand while he carried the joint and lighter in the other. Tyler had already gone outside and Holden followed him out, finding him seated on one of the chairs overlooking the lawn.

Holden placed the beers on the table. He took the chair from the opposite side of the table and placed it next to Tyler. For ease of passing the joint back and forward. Not for any other reason.

Yeah, right.

He settled down. The sun had gone behind a large grey cloud and the temperature had dropped to more bearable levels. He sparked the lighter and lit the joint, sucking smoke into his lungs. For a moment he held it before a long, pleasurable exhale. It felt good. It had been too long since he had sought any relief in any of his vices—weed, alcohol or sex. The latter was the only one he was addicted to though. Then he remembered Tyler and reminded himself that the veteran should be having the lion’s share of this joint, not Holden. Altruism, remember? It makes you feel good.

He held the joint out. Their gazes met before Tyler took it and once more their fingers brushed. Holden watched as he placed the joint between his sensual lips and sucked in deep. Holden took a drink of beer as he watched the smoke come out of Tyler’s nostrils. Tyler offered the joint back. Holden shook his head. “Go ahead.”

Tyler gave him a look, maybe of gratitude. He took another drag, resting back in his chair and closing his eyes as he exhaled. Holden watched him. Tyler gave it a few seconds, then took a third hit. This time he sighed. “That’s fucking good.”

“Is it helping?”

Tyler took a moment to reply. He was quiet and still. “Yeah,” he said. “My foot’s starting to fade away.” He laughed. He opened his eyes and held the joint out. Holden took it. He felt electricity when their fingers touched and their gazes held for what seemed like minutes. The joint was wet with Tyler’s saliva. Holden savored it as he inhaled. He felt the second hit, a rush that spaced him out all of a sudden and made his inhibitions fly. Christ, he could have just sunk to his knees now and… he glanced over at Tyler, gaze sliding down his body to rest on the bulge in his cargo shorts. Nice, very fucking nice. He tore his eyes away as Tyler’s lashes lifted and focused on the joint. Holden handed it back. Tyler gave him the sweetest of smiles and Holden’s cock started to thicken and ache. Fuck, he wanted Tyler so much. He watched him smoke again and sink back in his seat with the joint burning unheeded between his fingers. He’d never seen anyone get stoned so quickly as Tyler. It was kind of endearing.

When it seemed like Tyler had fallen asleep and the joint might smoke away to itself, Holden snagged it from his fingers and took another drag. Tyler turned his head, lashes fluttering up to watch. There wasn’t much left. He handed it back. Tyler smoked again. Holden retrieved it and looked at the butt. “Blowback?” he asked with his heart beating hard.

Tyler leaned towards him. Holden placed the butt between his teeth and angled his mouth, closing his eyes as he saw Tyler coming. He drew in his breath as Tyler’s lips brushed his. Tyler jerked back. “Sorry man,” he muttered. “Too stoned for that.”

Holden retrieved the joint. His lips were burning and not from having the embers of the joint in his mouth either. Tyler had his eyes shut again. He tilted his face to the sun when it peeped from behind the cloud. Holden sucked on the joint again and felt his bones melting into languor. He studied Tyler. The veteran’s skin was pale, unlined and completely without blemish, with a light dusting of stubble on his jaw. Holden lifted his hand. He hovered it over Tyler’s face for the longest time before he stroked gently with the backs of his fingers, tracing the curve of Tyler’s beautiful cheek with a reverential touch.

Tyler didn’t move, although his lashes fluttered. “Tyler,” Holden said softly, “why don’t I help you home so you can lie down?” He waited, hoping Tyler would contradict the offer because if he wanted to lie down on Holden’s bed, Holden wasn’t going to refuse.

Tyler groped for his crutches. Clumsily, he lurched to his feet and Holden put an arm around his back, nearly shuddering at the solid feel of Tyler’s frame.

“I didn’t tell you I was a lightweight, did I?” Tyler said as he made his way slowly across the yard.

“That’s okay, me too,” said Holden.

They reached the annex and Holden let Tyler go ahead, negotiating the hallway. As soon as he got to the bedroom, he let his crutches go and virtually launched himself onto the bed, falling heavily and sprawling on his back. Holden unlaced his sneaker and pulled it off. Still he hoped, despite Tyler’s obvious incapacity, that he might pull Holden onto the bed now. His gaze roamed Tyler’s body and he felt like the pervert he was. It didn’t stop his cock from getting hard. He stepped back reluctantly, knowing it was time to leave. His gaze fell onto the red album he had glimpsed Tyler looking at through the window. It lay on a bureau by the door. Throwing the motionless Tyler a guilty glance, Holden walked over and lifted the album, opening the front cover.

He was confronted with pages and pages of glassine leaves holding small square and rectangular colorful bits of paper. He stared at them and started to smile. Tyler was a stamp collector.