Chapter Twenty-Two

Tyler

The sun was at its zenith in the sky, reflecting in a dazzling glow from the still surface of the lake. “Let’s sit down here.” Holden tugged Tyler’s hand and they crouched beneath the low hanging branches of a weeping willow, secluded and shady.

Tyler glanced at Holden’s house on one side of the water and Brandon’s on the other. He’d literally stuck a pin in a map when he’d chosen this place, and found a realtor’s online. Looking out now over the tranquil surface of the lake and at the handsome man beside him, he felt a little of the torment and pressure in his chest ease. Maybe coming to Clear Water Creek hadn’t been so bad after all.

“You’re a compassionate man, Holden,” he said. “You’re principled and you stand up for what’s right. I admire you. I admire you a lot. And don’t ever tell yourself that your addiction and the way it makes you behave makes you less of a man or a bad person. Far from it.”

Holden gave a small smile with his cheeks reddening. He touched his fingers to the back of Tyler’s hand. “Right back at you,” he said softly. “I like you and admire you more than you’ll ever know.”

Tyler’s gaze dropped to Holden’s pale pink lips then moved back to his dark eyes before he leaned forward and kissed him.

Holden touched him on the cheek. He slid his hand to the back of Tyler’s head and returned the kiss, slow and long and tender. Tyler’s toes curled. Warmth fizzed down his spine and coiled into his stomach. They touched tongues and Tyler’s original purpose became muddy beneath a veil of lust. He eased his palms up Holden’s shirt, tracing the curves of his back, reveling in the satin soft feel of his skin. Holden let out a little murmur against his lips. His spine arched under Tyler’s touch and his breathing quickened.

Tyler helped Holden straddle his lap. He pulled him close, arms tight around him, hands savoring every inch of skin before grasping Holden’s ass to pull him forward and feel his hardness pressing against his belly. Holden let out a shuddering gasp. He eased back an inch from Tyler’s lips. “I’m already in hot water with the sheriff for public indecency,” he said. “Much as I’d love to fuck you here, he’ll lock me up this time if he catches me doing this on his doorstep. Plus, you’re supposed to be telling me about your leg.”

Tyler smiled ruefully. He gave Holden’s ass a last stroke. “I’m sorry for being inappropriate.”

“Never apologize for being inappropriate.”

They both laughed. “Can I get a raincheck?”

Holden brushed his lips over Tyler’s. “You most definitely can.”

“Is this the first time you’ve ever turned sex down in your life?”

Holden laughed. “Yeah. I can’t believe it.” He slid off Tyler’s lap.

They sat side by side holding hands and looking across the lake while Tyler figured out how to start, knowing the memories and emotions were about to bury him under an avalanche.

“It was in J-bad. Jalalabad. We were in a market square. I had a sort of friend, Ronnie. He was with me that day. He and I got on well. He was more cerebral than the others. I was thinking about sounding him out that night. Maybe even telling him about me. I thought he might be gay but I wasn’t sure. He didn’t have a girlfriend and he didn’t talk about girls at all, the way the other guys did. Even if he wasn’t, I got the feeling he might react okay. We were patrolling. It was a car bomb, of course. We never knew what hit us. When I came to, I was lying on the ground choking on the smoke and deaf from the explosion. I tried to move and couldn’t. One of the guys, he grabbed me, dragged me over to sit against the side of a truck. He started rooting in my pack. He pushed an antibiotic in my mouth and made me swallow it dry. Then he stuck a syringe of morphine into my thigh. I couldn’t work out why until I checked out both legs and saw the left one was mangled. My foot was flipping about and not looking quite right, like it was barely attached. He tightened a tourniquet above my knee, then he got on the radio.”

Tyler took a breath. The memories came thick and fast. He’d spent so long trying to repress them that it crucified him to bring them voluntarily to the surface. He squeezed his eyes shut. His voice shook when he spoke again.

“I saw Ronnie then lying in the dirt. He was in two pieces. Cut in half.”

Holden was completely silent. Tyler smelled the smoke and the blood. He could hear the screaming of the wounded and the cry of the innocent civilians caught up in the terror. He breathed hard, panic rising, and felt Holden squeeze his hand. “Slow your breathing. Follow me.”

Tyler turned his gaze. He watched Holden’s face, then his chest, copying his inspiration, holding it and letting it out slowly.

“That’s right,” Holden said. “You’re doing good. Really good.”

“They took me by helicopter. I ended up at Ramstein in Germany for weeks. They amputated on the first day. When I woke up, I could still feel my foot. It was agony. I only knew it was gone when I pulled the covers back and saw for myself. I couldn’t understand the pain.” He laughed weakly. “I still can’t.”

Tears shone in Holden’s eyes. He held Tyler’s hand tightly.

“My dad didn’t come. I guess it was more important to him that he continued to show his disdain for my choice of sexual partners. I wanted my mom. I needed her more than I ever had before in my life and she was gone. I lay there crying day after day wishing she was still alive.”

“I’m sorry,” Holden said in a whisper and he started to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

Tyler dropped his head into Holden’s lap and wept.

They walked towards the diner in silent agreement, both of them thirsty and hungry. They kept their hands entwined until they got there, then Tyler let go once he’d pushed the door open and held it for Holden to follow him. The inside was cool and air-conditioned and fragrant with coffee and apple pie. Tyler’s stomach growled. He led Holden to the counter and they both took a seat. He saw Holden’s hesitant face when Finn came out from the back, and he squeezed his knee gently to reassure him. Holden glanced at him, then looked at Finn when he approached the counter. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “You should be at home with Brandon.”

Finn shook his head. He was pale, his eyes red. “I had a shift.”

“Finn,” Holden said, reaching across the counter to lay his hand on top of Finn’s. “I’m sorry.”

Finn glanced at Holden. His lip trembled and he bit it. “You don’t need to be.”

“But I am. I brought a whole heap of trouble to your door.”

Watching, Tyler ached for both of them.

Finn didn’t say anything, so Holden went on. “I got an advance for the book. It’s yours.”

Finn shook his head. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No, Holden.”

“Guys, let’s not argue over money,” Tyler interjected in a bid to lighten the mood. “And can I get some iced tea? I’m dying of thirst here.”

Finn gave a wan smile. He filled a glass with ice and set it on the counter, then moved off to a fridge to take out a jug.

“You should have let me persuade him,” Holden murmured, watching Finn.

“You can’t persuade him if he doesn’t want it, babe,” Tyler replied.

Holden threw him a look. “Did you just call me babe?”

Tyler blushed. “Yeah. Sorry.”

Holden smiled. It was a tender smile, his dark eyes soft. “Don’t be.”

“Noted,” Tyler said with a grin and felt his insides dissolve into warm treacle. He liked the feeling a lot.

Finn filled the glass and Tyler gulped it down in one. “And another, please.”

Finn smiled and refilled. “And for you?”

“I’ll take the same,” Holden said. “And will you at least think about it? You could use it for art school.”

Finn put another glass on the counter. “No. Now what are you guys having to eat?”

Holden sighed. “Can I have a menu?”

“Sure.” Finn put down two laminated cards, then walked back into the kitchen.

Tyler squeezed Holden’s knee. “Let him be.”

Holden glanced at him. “You can have it then.”

“What?”

“The money.”

Tyler frowned. “No.”

“Yes. You can get a better leg. See the best doctor for your phantom limb pain.”

Tyler swallowed. “Just how much money are we talking about?”

“Quite a lot.” Holden took a drink of his iced tea.

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

“No.” Tyler glanced to the kitchen and lowered his voice. “Listen, Finn’s mental health is precarious. He could pull out of this at any moment. You know that, right?”

Holden looked down into his glass. He didn’t speak.

“If he does and you’ve spent that advance, you’re in a world of trouble. Don’t go giving money away that’s not really yours yet.”

Holden lifted his gaze and smiled ruefully. “You have a better business head than me, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

Holden reached out. He cupped the back of Tyler’s neck. “I want to kiss you. Can I do that here?”

Tyler surveyed the diner behind him from the corner of his eye. A woman on her own at the back was watching them, but apart from that, no one seemed interested. His policy had always been don’t ram it down people’s throats. Not doing that kept him safe in his book. The diner in this quaint backwater seemed as non-threatening as you could get though. The clientele were ladies lunching together and a few middle-aged heterosexual couples. No children to ask difficult questions.

He opened his mouth to say sure, but Holden had already decided for himself. He pressed his lips against Tyler’s and swept him away on a tide of bliss. Tyler heard himself sigh in deep pleasure. He opened his mouth and they explored each other’s lips with soft, sweet kisses and no tongues.

“All right, get a room,” Finn said. When they drew apart to look at him, he said, “Brandon and I give this crowd enough to talk about, thanks. The lady at the back reading a gay romance likes herself some man-on-man though; you just made her day. She only comes in on the days I’m working because she knows Brandon will show up and give her an eyeful.”

Tyler looked and the woman in question lifted her paperback featuring a half-naked man on the cover over her blushing face. He smiled.

“We should invite her for dinner,” Holden said. Tyler glanced at him and caught the direction of his thoughts. Voyeurism. Inviting someone to watch them. Part of his addiction. He probably wasn’t even joking.

He shifted his gaze to his menu and said nothing and Holden squeezed his knee as though in apology.

They walked home together after their meal. The sun was still hot, the air thick and humid and buzzing with insects. Tyler admired the bright wild flowers growing along the side of the road and the bees busily collecting pollen. Their arms brushed and then their fingers. Holden caught Tyler’s hand loosely. They didn’t speak. Tyler felt easier than he had ever been since J-bad. Even though his leg was doing its best to ruin his day as it always did, at that moment it didn’t have the power to touch him. The pain was what it was. A testament to his survival. Keeping him strong.

They got back to the house and stopped in the yard facing each other. “I’m going to go up to the attic and look for my stamp collection,” Holden said.

Surprised, Tyler said, “Now?”

“Yeah.” Holden smiled and patted him on the arm. “Go and rest.”

Tyler did as he was told. He sat on the edge of his bed and debated taking his leg off. If Holden brought the stamp collection straight over, Tyler would have to answer the door without the prosthesis. Even now, he didn’t want to be without it in front of Holden, despite what Holden had said about it not bothering him. Maybe it was true. It didn’t mean Tyler wanted to flaunt the stump at every opportunity. But still, he was in his own house, if you could call renting a house from Holden his own, and that meant he should be able to take off the damn leg whenever he wanted to. If Holden chose to knock on the door, it was his fucking problem if Tyler answered it without his leg.

Sighing at the fierce nature of his thoughts, he unclicked the prosthesis and maneuvered the cup free. He rolled down the silicone liner and followed it with the several layers of socks. Exposing his skin to the air felt great, as it always did. He used a baby wipe to clean the stump before he lay down. Just a rest, he told himself. Forty winks while Holden looks at the stamps. He felt his eyelids growing heavy immediately and drifted into a fond reverie of Holden coming back from the attic with a full sheet of mint condition Newfoundland stamps. Or maybe a dozen nice Penny Blacks.