Chapter Nineteen

Holden

On the drive home, Holden let his mind drift over every moment of his time with Tyler last night and that day. He let himself feel every kiss, every touch, every slide of Tyler’s hot silky skin against his and every thrust into his body. As his cock grew hard, he told himself he wasn’t going to pull over to jerk off at the side of the road as he had done so very often during his life. Telling himself that made no difference whatsoever.

Even as he swerved over, pulled on the handbrake and fumbled with his belt, he was asking himself what he was doing. You’re minutes from home. Tyler might still be lying naked in your bed. He might be extremely receptive to you crawling between his legs and sucking him off. Wouldn’t you rather get off with his dick in your mouth than at the side of the fucking road in your car, alone?

It didn’t matter. He pulled his cock free and palmed it greedily with a groan. Fuck, he doubted this would even take a minute. He saw Tyler lying in the bath with the water lapping gently over his chiseled torso and strong thighs. He’d nearly come on the spot last night when he’d opened Tyler’s shirt and seen his chest. Even more so when he’d pushed his shorts down and his amazing cock had sprung free. So thick and long and ready to fuck Holden into oblivion. It felt awesome in his mouth and even better in his ass and Tyler knew exactly where to strike to send Holden out of his mind. He moaned again and leapt almost out of his seat when he heard a quick siren blast behind him.

Holy fuck!His hands wouldn’t obey him as he desperately crammed his erection back into his underwear and zipped up.

A knock at the window and he was face to face with Brandon.

Oh God, please just let me die now.

He buzzed down the window, letting the air-con out and the heat in. “Hi, Sheriff.”

After a quick glance around the interior of the car, Brandon’s gaze fixed on his. “What are you doing, Holden?”

“Nothing, I, I…felt unwell.”

“Uh-huh?” Brandon waited with an arched brow.

“Yeah, I, er, thought I was going to puke.”

“Shouldn’t you be outside the car if you’re going to puke, rather than in it?” The guy caught liars for a living and he showed Holden up to be a bad one.

“Well, yeah, but it passed.”

Brandon’s dark eyes were like fathomless pools of water, nearly the same color as his own. “Do you know the penalty for public indecency?”

“What?” Holden blurted, flushing up to his ears. “I wasn’t…”

“You weren’t what? Jerking off? I could see you.”

“I…I…you don’t understand.”

“I don’t?” That arched brow again, with Brandon leaning oh-so-casually on the roof of the car. “Then enlighten me.”

“I had to.”

Brandon’s eyes bulged. “What?”

“It’s…I just had to. Ask Finn.”

Brandon went still. There was a scene in The Godfather Part Two where Michael Corleone is told by his wife that she’s had an abortion. He goes still, his eyes glittering.

The steadily building rage and chilling look on his face was mirrored here now. Brandon’s eyes went so big and dark that Holden thought he was going to piss himself in fright. “Excuse me?” the sheriff gritted out.

“I…” Oh God, he could never make this right. Not ever.

“Turn the engine off and step out of the car.”

With his stomach in his shoes, Holden switched off the engine, leaving the key in the ignition. Brandon was going to kill him. He was going to fucking kill him and dump his worthless body in the woods to be eaten by animals. Tyler would find somebody else. Somebody not middle-aged with a secret so shameful it had ruined his life.

He opened the door. Brandon immediately crowded Holden against the side of the car. The car made an annoying bonging noise from within to tell Holden it didn’t like him leaving the key inside. “Now, you’re going to tell me why you just mentioned my partner’s name in the same breath as you jerking off, and you’re going to make it good, or so help me, I’ll lock you up and throw away the key.”

Holden shook with fear. “I…”

Brandon pulled a cell phone from the top pocket of his uniform shirt. He thumbed a few buttons. “Why don’t we both listen to Finn on loudspeaker?” he said in a tone like ice and held the phone up as it rang.

Holden shriveled and waited.

“Hey, beautiful,” Finn answered.

“Hey, yourself. I need help.”

Finn took a moment. “Are you okay? What’s happened?”

“Just need you to figure out something for me.”

“All right. Go ahead. You sound weird, Brandon.”

Brandon ignored him. “Just wondered if you could tell me why Holden told me to ask you about why I just caught him jerking off in his car by the side of the road.”

Finn gave a low groan. “It’s not like that, baby.”

“Isn’t it?” Brandon’s jaw was clenched.

“No. You’re letting yourself get carried away. He’s fucking Tyler.”

Brandon glanced at Holden. “Congratulations,” he said. “But I’m still waiting.”

“Oh, Brandon,” Finn said with a sigh. “He’s a sex addict. He has no choice but to jerk off anywhere he can.”

Holden lowered his head when Brandon’s gaze whipped to his. “I see. Thanks for clearing that up. I’ll see you later.” He hung up before Finn could speak.

Reluctantly, Holden looked at him.

“If I find out you’ve come on to Finn, touched him in any way, or made any suggestions, if I find out you so much as told him he looked nice today, me and you are going to throw down,” Brandon said.

Holden shook his head. “I do it with single guys who want me, Sheriff, not guys who are virtually married. I wouldn’t have ever done that. Not ever.”

Brandon looked unsure for a moment. Then he stepped back. “On your way. Don’t let me catch you again.”

Gratefully, Holden yanked open the door.

“Hey,” Brandon said behind him and Holden turned. “If you’re fucking Tyler, why not go on home and do it instead of sitting in your car like a sad bastard?”

Holden swallowed. “Because I’m a sad bastard.” He swung himself into the car and closed the door. Starting the engine, he pulled away and was relieved when the patrol car didn’t follow him. What a fucking mess. He’d intended to ask Brandon to give his side of the story about shooting Dominic, for the book. He doubted Brandon would ever speak to him again.

Sure enough, Tyler was still lying in his bed, fast asleep. Holden stood watching him for a moment until Tyler woke with a start.

“Shit, why are you standing there like that?”

“Sorry.” Holden sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.

“What’s wrong?”

Was there any point in lying? He didn’t think so. “I was driving home from Finn’s and thinking about you and I pulled over to jerk off and Brandon caught me.”

Tyler started laughing. “Oh, man.”

Holden glared over his shoulder. “Not funny.”

“It is. It would have been before you lost your sense of humor.”

“Fuck off.”

“You could have just come home and…”

“Which is what I told myself even as I had my dick in my hand. You don’t understand. When I need to get off, I have to do it immediately. I can’t wait.”

Tyler sighed. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not a joke. It must be a terrible thing for you.”

Holden didn’t reply.

“Did you come?”

“No.”

“Even worse.”

They looked at each other and both burst out laughing.

“Why don’t you get in?”

“Are you feeling okay? Has the pain gone?”

Tyler shrugged. “No worse than usual.”

“All right then.” Holden started to unbutton his shirt. “Maybe we can both make each other feel better.”

“I’m hoping,” Tyler said and he scooted across the bed to make room for Holden.

Holden peeled off his socks. He unfastened his pants, pushed them down and discarded them, followed by his underwear. His dick was already hard. It had gone soft at being caught by Brandon, but was hard again before he’d even got in the house. When he pulled back the covers, he saw Tyler’s was too and it was almost enough to make him groan. “It’s been a really bad day all around,” he said as he climbed in and slid into Tyler’s waiting arms. “First your pain, then listening to Finn spill his guts once more, then getting caught jerking off. Especially as I wanted to interview Brandon for the book.”

Tyler kissed his neck. He slid his hands down Holden’s back and lay down, pulling him on top of him. Holden’s pulse skyrocketed as their skin pressed together. Their lips met and he drowned once more in the feel of Tyler’s kiss. Tyler maneuvered Holden astride his hips. He sat up to worship Holden’s chest with mouth and lips, sucking and licking at his nipples. Holden groaned. Tyler fisted his cock, dragged his hand up and down it. Holden felt ready to spurt as soon as Tyler touched him. He gasped for breath at the feel of Tyler’s mouth and hands on him. Tyler put two fingers in his mouth and sucked. He reached around between Holden’s spread buttocks and rubbed saliva over his entrance before pushing a finger inside. Holden groaned. He tensed and trembled as Tyler found his prostate.

“Oh God,” he said. “God, Tyler, I need you to fuck me.”

“Didn’t you get enough this morning?”

Holden tensed because while it was a reasonable question to a fifty-year-old guy, it wasn’t so funny asking a sex addict that.

“Sorry,” Tyler said.

Holden looked down at him. For a ridiculous moment he had the urge to cry. It was true that his body couldn’t quite keep up with his desire anymore. He’d be desperate to come, with his cock telling him it was too soon to come again. Usually he dealt with that by stimulating his prostate and coming that way, whether he was hard or not. It worked just fine and it was a whole different orgasm. Tyler was pretty good at the prostate work. Holden wanted more of it. But his dick wasn’t having a problem keeping in the game today. It was raring to go, harder than he’d been in a long time. Maybe Tyler was making Holden’s sex addiction stronger than ever. He had the boundaries though, after that initial period of abstinence when he had first entered recovery. And he was doing okay with those. He wasn’t lying or cheating, or having multiple partners. He wasn’t paying for sex or going out to bars and clubs to look for it. Well, at least not since Gage, but he didn’t need to think about that and how close he’d come to being taken by force. He was going online jerking off though, instead of writing. He was jerking off in public. He didn’t need to do any of that, so why was he? It was the same old story. He was nowhere near recovery.

Maybe Tyler had seen him disappear for a few moments, because he eased his finger free, looking up. He smoothed his other hand over Holden’s cheek. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“My addiction.”

“Thought so.” They looked at each other in silence for long seconds before Tyler spoke again. “I don’t suppose I’m helping you by doing this with you, am I?”

“I’m not supposed to abstain. Just stop with all the behaviors I previously had.”

“Such as?”

“Come on, I already told you all the stuff I do.”

“Do you still do it? Are you going out sleeping with other men at the moment?”

Holden huffed. “You know I’m not.”

“All right then. So me and you having normal sex is okay?”

“I guess. As long as I don’t pressure you to do it five times a day.”

Tyler smiled. Then he said, “Jerking off in your car isn’t okay.”

Holden reddened. “No, it’s not.”

“What else have you been doing that you shouldn’t?”

Holden hung his head.

“Sorry,” Tyler said quietly, stroking his hand. “It’s up to you what you tell me. No pressure or judgement here.”

“I’m still using porn a lot,” Holden said.

“Okay. Is that the reason why you’re not writing?”

Holden glanced up. “I don’t know. I told myself it was writer’s block. Maybe I think it’s that because all I can think about when I’m at the computer is watching porn and jerking off.”

“You could turn off the internet while you’re working.”

“I guess.”

Once again there was silence. Tyler stretched up to him and kissed him. Then he whispered, “I think you’re doing just fine.”

That brought tears to Holden’s eyes in a startling rush. “You do?”

“Sure. You’re not indulging in so much of what you used to do before.”

Holden dropped down on top of him and hid his face against Tyler’s neck. “We need to stop. I can’t let you do this, whatever this is. I’m no good for you.”

Tyler held him close. “I’m a big boy. I’m armed with the facts and I’ve made an informed decision.”

Holden squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t offer you anything. I’m afraid. I don’t want to hurt you. You deserve better than me.” What he meant was, he didn’t want to start screwing around on Tyler. That idea was too horrible to contemplate.

Tyler slid his hands down Holden’s back, making him shiver. “Listen to me. I don’t know what this is yet. We spent the night together last night and it was great. We don’t need to talk about where this is going. It’s too early.”

Holden felt deflated. It sounded a whole lot like Tyler had just said he was in this for the fun sex and nothing else. But then why else would he be? What else did Holden have to offer him? Certainly not financial security or the wisdom of being an older man. He’d never made a wise decision in his life. He felt like such an idiot. Listen to you. We need to stop. Stop what? He screwed you twice, that’s all, and now you’re talking like you’re in a relationship. Christ, no wonder he’s backing off.

He rolled off Tyler and slid to the edge of the bed.

“Hey,” Tyler said.

“You should go.” Holden stepped into his underwear and pulled it up. He gathered up his clothes. When he glanced back, Tyler was looking at him with wounded eyes. How fucking dare he when he had just told Holden they’d had a casual no-strings-attached screw?

“Holden,” Tyler said as Holden headed to the bathroom.

Holden ignored him and locked himself inside.