Chapter Eighteen

Holden

Finn was sitting opposite Holden at the kitchen table once again, looking like he was going to a firing squad and Holden wished he was anywhere but here and doing anything but this. If it makes us both feel so bad, why are we doing it? He’d rather still be warm and satisfied in bed with Tyler, that was for sure. He felt his cock twitch, because of course it would. The addiction didn’t care where he was when he got sexual thoughts. It just wanted more, and more, and more, and God, he wanted more of Tyler all right. He remembered last night, gazing up at him as Tyler drove into him, hitting his prostate with each thrust and sending him clean out of his mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had it so good. And Tyler had proved that Holden didn’t need the dirty talk or the humiliation. He hadn’t called Holden a slut or whispered filthy little encouragements as he’d fucked him. He hadn’t taken him face down and hurt him, just because he could. He’d been tender, and respectful and all the things Holden didn’t know.

Holden had been the one to make it dirty that morning, bending over and sinking onto Tyler’s cock as soon as he got out of the bath. But it had been good. So fucking good.

He tried to focus, but he felt close to tears when he remembered Tyler’s behavior towards him last night. As though Holden actually meant something. As though what they had done had meant something. And then he thought of how vulnerable Tyler had been that morning, needing his help, and the pain he dealt with on a daily basis. Could he step up and be the man Tyler needed? How could he ever put anyone else’s needs first when he couldn’t even control his own behavior from day to day? After the bathroom sex, he’d made breakfast as promised. He’d received a text from his editor telling him an advance had been paid into his account and he’d almost punched the air in relief when he’d seen how much it was. But that put the pressure on. He had to complete the project and that meant coaxing more heart-breaking truths from Finn, which he didn’t enjoy at all. He’d have to offer him at least half the advance. It was the right thing to do. Maybe he should just give him all of it.

He and Tyler had eaten together and exchanged small talk that morning. All Holden could think of was when they could fuck again, and he didn’t want to think like that. He wanted to enjoy Tyler’s company, not let sex be the only thing he wanted from the guy. He’d left Tyler to sleep after getting the go ahead from Finn to come over, knowing it was for the best to give the guy a break from his relentless sex drive.

He swallowed, finger hovering over the button on the recorder. “Are you ready?”

Finn nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Do you want some more coffee? You look kind of hungover.”

Holden laughed, because he wasn’t hungover, he was just well fucked. Maybe Finn knew that and was being polite. Maybe seeing as Finn was spilling his guts, Holden could return the favor and spill his own. At the end of this. “I’m fine,” he said.

“Okay.”

“All right.” He pressed the button. “Where are your parents, Finn? Where were they when Dominic was abusing you?”

Finn squeezed his eyes shut. “I left the house as soon as I could after I met Dom. My mom tried to call me an awful lot, but I didn’t answer. My dad died of a heart attack a couple of years after I moved out. I saw the death notice in the local paper. Dom wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. I’m not sure I wanted to go anyway. I hated my dad.” He picked at some loose skin at the side of his thumb nail, worrying it.

“And your mom? Where is she now?”

Finn shrugged. “I guess she’s still in Iowa. I haven’t heard from her. I thought maybe after… after Dominic died, she might have heard and she might have been in touch. I suppose she wouldn’t know my number though. I didn’t even have a phone until recently.” He trailed off, looking down at his hands.

There was a silence. Holden didn’t exactly have a plan. He just wanted Finn to talk and then he could mold his story into chapters, a cohesive timeline. “Why don’t you talk to me about your escape?”

Finn sucked in his breath and let it out in a shaky sigh. He raised his gaze to Holden’s with a laugh. “I still can’t believe I had that in me.”

“I can,” Holden said. “And I only just met you.”

Finn blushed. “I drugged him with the same ones he used on me. I had a bag ready that I’d kept hidden for so long, waiting for the right time, to gather my guts. I stole money from him on a regular basis and squirreled it away, a dollar or five dollars here and there. I never had my own money when I was with him.” He stopped and took a sip of water. Holden waited. “When he was passed out on the couch, I thought about killing him. I thought I probably should because I knew if he caught me, he’d kill me. And yet, something stopped me and it wasn’t the fear of jail. I guess I thought I still loved him, even after everything he did to me. Isn’t that stupid?”

Holden shook his head. “No.”

“I took a bus and at every stop, I told myself he was going to get on, drag me off, take me home and fucking kill me. I shook and I cried and people stared at me like I was losing my mind. I was so afraid I nearly just went back.”

“But you made it here.”

“Yeah. I saw the notice in the general store for the house for rent and I put down most of my money right then. You should have seen the guy’s face as I pulled out this bag of coins from my backpack. He was horrified.” Finn laughed.

“And you met Brandon?”

The smile that lit up Finn’s face was something to behold. Holden knew he had never smiled like that about anyone in his life, not even Leo. Would he smile like that if someone mentioned Tyler’s name to him?

“Yeah. I’d decided to drown myself in the lake that night.”

“What?” Holden stared at him.

“I couldn’t take the fear, the loneliness. I was locked up in that house and scared to even set foot out for groceries. I got drunk and went down to the lake. Instead of doing it, I started pissing up a tree. Brandon was driving past. He stopped and told me how unimpressed he was.”

Holden smiled.

“I was horrible to him. I suggested that he go eat some donuts.”

Holden laughed. “He must have loved that.”

“He did. He nearly arrested me. I wouldn’t have minded if he had. At least I would have felt safe for one night. Instead, he drove me home, then he came in to look around the house when he saw how scared I was.” Finn shook his head. “Man, I was an embarrassment.”

“Don’t say that.”

Finn drank some more water. “Anyway, Brandon, he seemed pretty keen to find out the truth from me. I fell for him in a big way, but I was desperate not to let my guard down. I didn’t think he could protect me if Dom came for me and I didn’t want to be that guy who needed protecting.”

“So?”

“So, I slept with him, then told him I was going back to Dominic. He was mad, and upset, and he begged me and I told him I had to. I didn’t see another way for my life to go. I thought…” Finn’s voice trembled. “I thought my life was over anyway. I couldn’t live in fear waiting for him to come for me, so it would be better just to go back and let it happen.”

Holden waited with his chest aching.

“Anyway, Dominic came for me before I could go back, and he tried to kill me, and Brandon waded in on his white horse.” Finn squeezed his eyes shut. “I saw the bullet go through the side of his head. I saw the light go out of his eyes.”

Holden let the silence hang heavy for long seconds, before he asked, “Did you mourn Dominic, Finn?”

Finn caught his lip between his teeth, tears streaking his face, and nodded, and Holden realized that out of everything Finn had confessed so far, this, to him, was by far the worst.

When Finn was more composed, Holden made them both grilled cheese sandwiches. They sat eating, with glasses of orange juice.

“How’s Tyler?” Finn asked.

“He’s okay.” Holden found himself blushing as he remembered that morning and he caught Finn’s grin. “What?”

“You like him.”

Holden smiled. “Yeah.”

“He likes you.”

“I hope he does.”

“Have you…?”

“Yeah.”

Now Finn’s eyes were dancing with delight. “Great. Was it good for you?”

“You’re kind of up front, aren’t you?”

Finn shrugged. “After all I just told you, the least you owe me is whether you had a good time in bed with Tyler.”

“Fair enough. Of course I did. The best time.”

Finn cocked his head. “But I sense some reservation.”

Holden sighed. “Lots of things. Me and my issues. His leg. His other stuff.”

“By other stuff, you mean PTSD?”

Holden stared at him. “Is that what you think it is?”

“Don’t you?”

“I don’t know. I’m not an expert. But he seems to have these phases where he drifts away as though he’s gone. And last night, he… whimpered in his sleep, and cried out.”

“I am an expert,” Finn said.

“Yeah, I thought you were,” Holden replied.

“And you? What are your issues?”

“Jesus, Finn, we’re really getting down to it here, aren’t we?”

Finn shrugged. “Consider this like the confessional booth. What happens in Brandon’s kitchen stays in Brandon’s kitchen.”

Holden laughed. He looked into Finn’s dark blue eyes. He liked the guy more than he could say and felt that he could trust him. “I’m a sex addict,” he said.

“Oh,” Finn said. “Whatever I expected, it wasn’t that.”

“Sure.”

“And I don’t really know how to deal with guys when they’re not giving me what I’ve begged them for, if you get me.”

Finn’s eyes were soft. Holden didn’t want to think it was pity. “I’m not sure I do,” he said.

Holden searched for the words. “It drives me to want to be…humiliated. And used. And obviously, it’s hard to be with someone normally when it’s all I’ve ever known.”

Finn kept his gaze on his. “That must have left you with some deep mental scars.”

“I guess.”

“And what about the guy who stole your money?”

Taken aback, Holden said, “Well, he let me control it, and it’s obvious now why. He acted the way I wanted him to act, which was willing to give it to me when I wanted and exactly how I wanted. I know the sex and the relationship was toxic. And I know already that Tyler isn’t like that. And won’t ever be.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Have you talked it over with him?”

“I’ve explained what I am. We haven’t exactly dissected what we did last night.”

“You should. If you want to make a go of it. Seems like you need each other.”

“You don’t think I’m a dirty old man?”

“What?” Finn looked confused.

“I’m twenty-two years older than him.”

Finn shrugged. “And?”

Holden smiled. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”