CHAPTER 21

ajay

Nick's friends showed up at the house just in time to rain on my parade. It was late in the afternoon and Nick had just lowered himself to his knees after taunting and teasing me for the past half an hour. I was wired and kind of mindless by the time the sound of the backdoor opening ended our little afternoon delight.

"You have got to be kidding me," I groaned, banging my head back against the wall which was the only thing still holding me up as Rob's loud hello marked time out. Of course Nick had the kind of friends who would just come on in. Forget about knocking.

"Ah," Nick murmured, hands tightening around my thighs. "Impeccable timing."

"Easy for you to say," I grumbled. Nick just laughed, pecked a soft kiss to my aching tip and pulled my shorts back up my legs.

"I'll take care of this later," he promised, palming me to illustrate what he meant. Or maybe to just prolong my torture. I couldn't always tell with Nick.

"Go play with your friends then," I grumped.

"You are adorable when you're grumpy," Nick grinned at me, blue eyes alight with laughter.

I watched him leave, my head knocked back against the wall in his bedroom. The room we had barely left for the past few days as I'd all but moved in. I knew I had no true grounds to complain about being left in this state. Nick had been … most attentive to me. A few times already this morning in fact.

It was actually kind of surprising we hadn't seen Rob and Mateo since I had found my way into Nick's bedroom. Those three seemed to live their lives around each other so I could hardly protest about them rocking up the way they had been doing most days since I'd been in Esperance.

I looked down at my naked chest and the shorts that Nick had left hanging open. I was a little sweaty and gross so I headed down the hallway to the bathroom for a shower. It felt weird to be showering on my own. I'd gotten used to having Nick's naked body pressed up on me the last few days.

Which made me think that this thing between us might have gotten a little out of control already. Maybe it would do us some good to have another couple of people around so I didn't feel like jumping him every time he looked at me. And I was a little sore back there if I was being totally honest.

Not that it would stop me from taking what I wanted. Hopefully later again tonight after the boys left.

The only problem with that half-baked plan was that Rob and Mateo didn't leave. I found the three of them heavily invested in a game of Call of Duty when I came downstairs later on, Nick's eyes laser focused on the TV screen.

I'd had no problem fitting in with this little group in the past couple of weeks but I felt myself on the outer as I took the vacant spot beside Rob. My mum had bought me a Nintendo Switch when I was fourteen and I had loved playing games with my friends. But I'd never played this game before and Dane had always turned his nose up at gaming. So it had been a while.

Nick's eyes flicked to me and we shared a quick smile before he looked back at the game.

"Concentrate, Nick," Mateo admonished, making me hold back a grin.

"You ever played, Ajay?" Nick asked, eyes still on the game.

"Not Call of Duty."

"You want to have a go?" he asked, holding my eye as the other two continued battling it out on the screen.

"Just finish the overmatch first," Mateo scowled. "We've nearly won."

"You're losing your experience points, dude," Rob added. Nick just smirked at me before returning his attention to the game and I watched the screen with half an eye, the other on Nick as he battled out with the other guys to finish the match.

"Yes!" Mateo called, the most animated I had literally ever seen the guy as the three of them took down the final man. He was right up alongside Nick, thighs and shoulders all but touching. I tried not to feel jealous, honestly I did, but they shared these matching big smiles when the game was won and Mateo knocked Nick's shoulder with his and I lost my battle.

Apparently, Call of Duty was quite a big thing for these guys and although Nick patiently walked me through the game, I knew I was holding back the other two in the multiplayer challenges. So I gave him back the controller and just watched even though he offered to share several more times.

It was getting late in the evening and I was starting to yawn. We'd finished off the pizzas that Nick had ordered but the game was still going and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon. Part of me wanted to stay where Nick was but the other part was recognising how exhausted my body was.

I eventually caved, holding Nick's eye during a pause in the game.

"I'm gonna head upstairs," I said, words for him but audible to the others.

"You sure?" he asked. I could see he was torn but I didn't want him to let down his friends for me. He could come up after they had gone. I knew I would wait for him.

"Night all," I said.

"Night, Tassie," Rob replied, sending me a little fist bump. Mateo ignored me but that was entirely consistent with how he'd treated me all evening. Nick's eyes tracked me as I made my way towards the stairs but he let me go.

I collapsed onto my bed as soon as I'd brushed my teeth. I hadn't wanted to just go into Nick's room without being invited. I knew the boys sometimes stayed in there with him and I didn't want to risk them walking in. And even though it felt strange to be sleeping on my own again I admit my eyes glued themselves shut as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I slept the entire night without waking. I also woke up notably alone, the first time that had happened for nearly a week. It felt strange to not have Nick sleeping alongside me, waking up to his smirking face and wandering hands.

He must have not wanted to wake me last night but I kind of wished he had. Even if just to sleep beside me.

I looked out the window and could see that dawn had just broken, a soft light to the morning sky. The waves looked amazing, curling like ripples of mercury and I jumped out of bed to pull on my board shorts.

Nick wasn't in his room when I went to check but that wasn't unusual. He somehow always managed to beat me downstairs before we'd taken to waking up together.

But Nick wasn't outside either, a fact I discovered for myself as I padded down the stairs. No, Nick was asleep on the sofa, his eyes closed as the morning light crossed his handsome features.

He also wasn't alone, Mateo's heartbreakingly beautiful face pressed up on Nick's chest, their bodies aligned against each other. Nick's arm was wound around his shoulders while Mateo's arm wrapped around Nick's stomach, like he belonged there.

My heart crashed into my ribcage the same way my footsteps stalled. It was all I could do to look down at the two of them, sleeping so peacefully together the way I imagined they had done so many times before. Rob was there too, alone on the second sofa I had left him on only hours ago but that hardly mattered.

Something strange and unrecognisable broke itself in half inside my chest, something I knew I had no right to feel.

I couldn't look anymore, couldn't look at the two beautiful men who used to be in love with each other, who had shared a love and a friendship as well as their bodies. Far more than I had ever shared with Nick. I could never compete with their history, the love, the months and months they had shared each other's hearts and minds. I could never compete with Mateo. We weren't even in the same stratosphere.

I sucked in a shaky breath, my lungs constricting in on themselves. I had to get out of there, could hardly think or breathe with that vision of them in front of me.

I padded to the front door, praying nobody heard me as I pulled on my Vans and let myself out, closing the door so softly I was sure nobody with human ears could have heard.

And then I walked. I just walked and walked, trying to shut down my mind and the thousands of images it had decided to conjure up for me. Images of Mateo and all his perfect olive skin, those abs I could never compete with, his centrefold looks and his dark eyes and his blonde tipped hair and everything he was that I was not. How could Nick ever look my way when Mateo was still in his line of sight?

I had no idea how long I walked or even where I was going. I'd headed south, wanting to avoid the town where people would be. I knew I couldn't hide how I was feeling right then.

I also knew I had no right to feel this way. Nick was not mine, not in that sense anyway. Yes we'd shared an amazing few days and nights with each other, possibly the best days I'd ever had. Definitely the best sex I'd ever had by about a thousand percentage points.

But Mateo, well, he was Nick's first and he would always be there as a perfect, beautiful reminder.

No. I couldn't compete with that.

I had just made it to the foot of a walking trail that led up into the hinterland when my phone vibrated in my shorts. I hadn't even remembered putting it in there but I must have. I pulled it out, heart tearing when I saw it was from Nick.

I hesitated before replying. Part of me wanted to ignore him, to punish him for choosing Mateo over me. But I knew that was petty and beneath me. It was hardly his fault. So I wrote back a message in its simplest truth.

My phone instantly started ringing and I sucked in a jagged breath as Nick's name came up on the screen. Texting him was one thing. Talking was another. I knew I wouldn't be able to act all casual and fine if I talked to him. Like I could just pretend my head wasn't in a complete and utter mess. All because of him.

The phone rang out and I went to pocket it when it pinged with another text.

He knew I was ghosting him then. Well, that was all right. Better have him think I was ghosting him than know he was silently breaking my heart.

I pocketed my phone and crossed the road, heading towards the pebbled mountain path. Tourists came to this town for a number of reasons, one of which was the Cave Arches at the top of this hill climb. I'd never seen it before and suddenly it became really important that I did. I could hardly say I'd been to this part of the world and missed out on this iconic sight. The one that usually made it to the front of the tourism brochures.

There was a car park alongside the start of the walking trail, already filled with cars. I could have done without all the extra people around but I ignored them as I set off up the trail.

I was pretty sure the walk was nice, filled with ferns and leafy green trees. It took over half an hour to reach the caves. The Arch itself was also probably amazing, the sight no doubt breathtaking as the trail suddenly ventured through an open cave system and then out to the Arch where the view of the infinite blue of the Pacific Ocean suddenly exploded out of nowhere. Like a shock to the senses.

I was sure it was fabulous and if the thirty or so other tourists were any indication, it was worth taking photos of.

I could only stare at the scene, feeling nothing, wishing I'd come a different day when I could look at it and appreciate the incredible beauty. So I just turned back around and made my way back down the trail, in no better state than I had been on the way up.

It was only when I made my way back to the road that I saw him, the impossibly gorgeous man leaning back on his motorbike looking like God's gift to humanity in his board shorts and leather rider jacket. His eyes lifted to me, as blue as the Pacific I had just witnessed from the Arches and just as breathtaking. Something hit me deep in the guts.

I slowed my steps, wishing I could go back up the trail and not have to have this conversation. But he'd seen me already, his face impassive if not slightly annoyed if I was guessing correctly. Was he annoyed I hadn't answered his calls? I'd missed a few by now.

"Get on the bike, Ajay," Nick said, knocking his head in the direction of his bike. Yeah, he was pissed at me. But why he thought he had any right to be annoyed was beyond me. I was the one who was rightly pissed.

"No thanks. I'm happy walking," I said, keeping my chin up. He would not see me breaking for him.

"I'd love to make a scene with you right now, baby," Nick replied, calm as hell. "But there are children around and I don't think this conversation is for little eyes. Now, get on the bike."

I loved it when Nick took control of me in the bedroom, loved it when he got bossy and told me what to do. Right here, when I was feeling too many emotions that I didn't know how to process, out on the walking trail with people everywhere around us, not so much.

I let out a longsuffering sigh, grabbed onto the spare helmet Nick held out for me and jammed it onto my head. I was not going to let him help me this time and maybe he could read my body language because he said nothing and didn't try to help like he usually did.

He climbed onto the bike and waited for me to slide on behind him. I had no choice but to clasp my hands around his waist, our bodies pressed up together. It was a lot less enjoyable today than it had been the other times I'd ridden on the back of this bike, knowing he'd just spent the night with Mateo.

I expected Nick to drive us back home but he headed south, taking us further from the house as he wound the bike down the coastal road. He didn't drive far, turning the bike onto a dirt track that headed up the other side of the mountain I had just climbed.

I held on a little tighter as the bike bumped over the dirt road and Nick adjusted the pace. He eventually pulled over just as the track opened up to a similar view to what I had just scaled the heights of the mountain to see, just without the cave arches and the tourists.

"Is the locals only scenic spot?" I couldn't help asking as I climbed off the bike. Nick held out his hand for my helmet and left it to dangle on the handlebar alongside his. He watched me as I stepped towards the ledge, noting the fairly steep drop. The blue Pacific spread out before me, melting into the light blue sky until it was all I could see.

"Sure, let's call it that," Nick returned. He stepped towards me, all his movements measured and controlled when I felt nothing but turmoil inside. "Why did you decide to go for a walk this morning?"

I shrugged, eyes not leaving the view while avoiding Nick's who had not looked away from me. "I heard Caves Arches were unmissable."

"So you decided today of all days was the day to go see the Arches?" Nick returned.

"Yep." My hands had fisted into balls so I hid them in my pockets, not wanting him to see more than he already had.

"And why didn't you answer my calls?" he pressed, taking one small step closer.

I sighed. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him as he cautiously closed the gap between us, like he knew I was standing on a precipice and didn't want to spook me. Both figuratively and literally.

"Maybe I just wanted to get out and feel the fresh air," I said.

"Ajay," Nick sighed. His hand clasped around my arm as I warred with that fight or flight instinct that was telling me to go. To get out of this before it was too late. Even though it really was already too late. Far too late. "Be real with me. You say you want real, so let's be real now. You were upset this morning."

I didn't say anything, focusing on the little bright yellow dandelion that was somehow growing out of a rock crevice. Amazing little thing.

"Tell me why," Nick pressed, hand tightening on my arm. "Tell me what made you upset."

"Are you really going to make me say it?" I returned, stepping out of his grip.

"Yes. I want to hear why you're upset, Ajay."

"Fine. Maybe it was the fact that I woke up alone this morning. Or maybe it was the fact I couldn't find you in your room when I went to look. Or maybe … maybe it was the fact that you spent the night wrapped up in your ex-boyfriend's arms." My voice had gotten a little louder as I spoke as I stepped further away from Nick, needing a little space from him.

"And you were jealous?" Nick asked, probing.

"Of course I was bloody jealous," I returned. "Even though I know I have no right to feel that way."

"Why don't you have a right to feel that way?" Nick asked, taking another step to close the gap I had tried to create. "Emotions are there for a reason. You shouldn't be afraid of what you feel."

I sighed again. I really didn't want to talk this out with Nick, expose more of myself to him than I already had.

"Because it's not like you and I … I mean, it's not like you're mine to tell you what you can and can't do. And Mateo, well, I mean, he's him and I'm me. I can't even blame you really."

"Why?"

"I get it. He's insanely hot. I have eyes."

"So does that mean you want Mateo for yourself?" Nick asked, head cocked to the side.

"What? No, of course not."

"But you just said he's hot," Nick pointed out.

"Well, yeah, he is. Doesn't mean I want him in that way."

"Right. See, that's how I feel about Mateo too. Yes, I know he's hot but it doesn't mean I want anything from him."

"Except you did. You were together. For six months. How can I compete with that?" I asked. I took another step back until my back hit the wall, a solid mass of millions of tonnes of prehistoric rock and I knew I had nowhere else to run.

"Why do you need to compete with that?" Nick asked, taking one last step until he was bare inches from me. "Time doesn't matter. I'm with you, not him. Not in that way at least."

"But do you want to be with him?" I asked, voice small.

Nick shook his head. "No, Ajay. I don't."

"Then why?" I asked, not wanting to voice my question. Why had he spent the night with Mateo and not me?

It was Nick's turn to sigh. "You know, when Mateo and I broke up four months ago, we made this pact that we would always put our friendship first. In fact, we made the same pact before we even started a relationship. Because it's always been us three, you know? Me, Rob and Mateo. And our friendship was always way more important to me than anything else. We've both tried so hard to make that happen, to keep our friendship alive even though it's been really bloody hard at times. Can you understand that?"

I nodded, wanting to hear him out, wanting to try and understand what this thing was between him and his ex-lover. "I think so."

"And last night … I mean, I guess I wasn't really thinking. It was late and you'd already gone to bed. And Mateo and I have always been that way with each other, long before we started a physical relationship."

I blanched at the word, not wanting to hear Nick talk about the physical aspect of his time with Mateo. The friendship thing I was coming around to. The other stuff, no. That needed to remain a mystery in my head.

"I wanted to come upstairs with you last night," Nick continued, reaching out to run his fingers through mine. "I really, really wanted to come upstairs. But I knew if I did what would happen and I didn't want to just out you to my friends. Not without asking first about whether … about whether this thing between us is more than just sex."

Nick let his words dangle between us as I let my fingers curl into his. "It's not just sex to me."

"Me either," Nick said, breathing out a deep sigh. His free hand came up to clasp my face, his thumb tracing across my cheekbone in a way that just felt so affectionate that I found myself leaning into him even though I was still feeling a little raw and tender. But he'd followed me out here, had somehow found me even though I still hadn't worked out how, and now we were talking about what this was between us even if maybe I hadn't been quite ready for this conversation just yet.

"We don't have to label anything," Nick continued, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. "I know this is all totally new for you and we've just jumped off this cliff together. But I want this … us … to be a thing. Do you want us to be a thing?"

I huffed out a laugh. "Yeah. I want us to be a thing."

"Thank fuck for that," Nick returned, that smile, the real one that lit up his eyes, the one I had kissed so many times, spreading across his face. "This is real for me, Ajay. Real."

"It's real for me too, Nick," I admitted quietly. I smiled back at him then, blown away by the fondness I saw in his eyes as he looked down at me. Revelling in this beautiful man who had somehow chosen me. His hand slid from my cheek to my throat and he closed the last of the gaps between us and pressed a kiss to my mouth.

I was not ashamed to say I was feeling a little desperate for that kiss, maybe a little needy and lost and raw and I fell straight into it, into his arms as he angled my jaw to just the slant he wanted. His tongue plunged into my mouth and I found myself moaning as his hand gripped my throat and his body pressed up to mine like he owned me.

I could feel he was hard against my stomach and I knew I certainly was but I just needed a moment to get lost in this kiss with him because it was actually kind of perfect. It was actually kind of everything really, more important than all the other stuff that I knew would happen later as Nick gripped my jaw and devoured me.

We broke for air, both of us panting and a little desperate as Nick grazed kisses down my jaw and his hips rocked into me a little harder. The heavy weight of the rock at my back was immovably solid as I pushed back at Nick, wanting more. Wanting everything.

"Are your friends still at the house?" I panted as his lips trailed heavy kisses down my collarbone.

"No, I kicked them out before I came to find you," he said.

"How did you find me?"

"I just took a guess really. Everyone walks to Caves Arches." I just smiled at that, so glad he had found me when I thought I wanted to just disappear. "Want to come home with me, baby? Let me take care of you?"

"Yeah. Take me home, Nicky," I said, smiling at him as he looked back at me, heart a little full in my chest as his emotions reflected in his eyes.

Feelings.

They really were having quite a field day with me today. And I was the first to admit I wasn't quite sure how to fit everything I was feeling inside of me.