27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Elias

Fifteen Years of Age

T he post-Christmas dinner was my favorite time of the year—the music, the laughs, the snow, the lights, everything. But most of all, I got to celebrate my favorite holiday with my favorite person. I kind of didn’t like Christmas itself because we were away from our home in Boston, and that meant far away from Shane. It wasn’t a celebration without him.

The moment their cars pulled up, I ran to the porch, hand waving frantically at them all. Taking in their smiling faces, I felt like I could breathe again. There was something about the Jarmans’ arrival that was like a warm hug—completely separate from their actual warm hugs. The chorus of “Mouse!” came to me, hitting me with excitement that mirrored mine. Bodies engulfed me all at once, and I couldn’t help the happy little giggles that left me while I was bombarded with their love. But once they all cleared, it was Shane who stood back as if patiently waiting for my time. His warm eyes and cocky grin were the ones I really wanted to see. His family dispersed and Shane came to me, opening his arms. “Hey, Mouse.”

I fell into him, holding him tight for a rare silent moment, until I jumped back. “Okay, are you ready for all the board games, hot cocoa, and snow fights? Because I’ve got to tell you, yesterday was a bore and I have energy to burn.”

“Well, we can’t have that, can we? Lead the way.”

So I did, knowing my holiday had officially started now that he was here with me.

Present

I looked at the empty spots my family once occupied. The lump in my throat grew and I tightened my jaw, teeth clenching so hard it was painful. The word “disappointment” was my kryptonite.

Shane’s voice was the one to bridge the silence. “Eli…”

I didn't want him to think it was all on him. I was proud that I stood up for what I loved. It was their reaction that was killing me. I tried not to let the thoughts of not being accepted by my family fill my mind. But my attempts were futile, and the tears were imminent. “Dinner was lovely Anne. May I be excused?”

I didn’t miss the unshed tears in her eyes. “Of course, darling.”

I stood from my chair, needing to pass Shane’s dad on my way. He pushed back, catching me in a hug that could rival Shane's—almost. He was of similar height but had a lot more weight than him. “Just know, son: we love you. Thank you for loving our boy. And I am so proud of you.”

I choked out a sob, giving him a jerky nod in acceptance. That was all I wanted from my dad—for him to love me, no matter who I wanted to be. I wanted him to love the things that made me want to survive.

Was it as dramatic as life or death? No, probably not—but it sure felt that way.

The world he wanted for me was so against the grain of who I was. The pressure made me hate life—and myself. I knew that if I ever had kids of my own, I wanted to be nothing like my father. I wanted to be like Shane’s: craving happiness no matter what form it came in.

When those strong arms let me go, I couldn't look him in the eye. I was holding on by a thread, and I didn’t want them to see me that way. I just wanted to go back to Canada, to Shane's home full of very gay, very supportive ice-related professionals… people like me. It didn't feel weird to put myself in that box—the queer box. I kept waiting for the moment for it to hit me like, “ Omg, you enjoy getting fucked by a man .” But then the reminder of who that man was swept all the shock away before it could hit. Because as long as Shane was in it with me, I was happy to embrace it.

I bolted down the hall, to the bedroom that always felt more like home than my own, and shed the armor that had more dents in it than protection. With a sigh of relief, I re-dressed in my trusty sweats and Shane’s hoodie. Then I got into his bed and curled up. Even though he hadn't slept in this bed for years, it was like his scent had engrained itself in the sheets.

I didn't say anything as the large body came in behind me, holding me tight without a word. His lips met the tender skin beneath the collar of his hoodie, peppering me with affection. “I am so in love with you, Eli Michaels. And I’m the luckiest man alive to be able to call you mine.”

I rolled over, needing to see his eyes; eyes that mirrored my own because we were Mouse and Jarman—and we never felt our emotions alone. “I’m the lucky one. I love you, Shane Jarman.”

A single tear fell from his eye because unlike me trying to hold my shit together, Shane let me know that it was okay to cry. So, I buried my face in his chest, and I let go.

I must have fallen asleep. Hours later I peeled my sore eyes open to the feeling of being watched. If I hadn’t known with every fiber of my being that it was Shane, it might have been creepier than it was. But opening my eyes to that caring gaze had my lips moving to a smile.

“There's my smile.” He hummed in a way that was all deep, smooth, and sent shivers through my body. I inched closer, rolling my hips to feel his hard cock against mine.

There was something I wanted to do, to thank him for holding me last night, for being there for me. I know I didn't need to and that he’d never expect it…but I selfishly wanted something to distract me.

I kissed his bare chest. “When did you strip off?” I kissed and sucked over the skin.

He groaned. “Got too hot in the middle of the night.”

“That tracks,” I hummed. “You’re so, so hot “

I traced my tongue over the crisp lines of his abs that bunched under my touch as I worked my way down.

“Eli…” he warned, poised to tell me I didn’t have to—but I heard the desire buried in that tone.

I buried my nose in his treasure trail, the need to sniff him one of the many new things that aroused me. I leaned into it full force, absorbing the smell of my man, learning that there wasn’t much of anything that turned me off when it came to my boyfriend. His breath shuddered and his thighs quaked as my breath fanned over his briefs. His cockhead peeked out from behind his waistband, red, angry, and dripping precome. I licked it away, watching him bit on his knuckles to muffle the sounds threatening to burst from his chest

“Don't look at me like that,” he groaned.

I couldn’t help it—drunk on knowing that I had that effect on him. My laughter fanned over his cock as I pulled down his briefs. “Like what, babe?”

“Smiling at me with my smile, but with that added sexiness. I can't handle it. I'll have you ass up before you even touch me.”

I leaned down, humming against his shaft, peering up at him through my lashes. “ Your smile? And don't tempt me—I want to taste you first.”

“Yes, my smile; the one that’s reserved for me.”

I thought back and I suppose he could only get me to smile like no one else. Instead of a verbal response, I buried my nose in the trimmed curls at his groin and took a deep breath in. Fuck, he smelled good . It made me understand the word “pheromones.” I licked back up his length before swallowing him down as far as I could, making up the distance with my hand. He carded his fingers through my hair, lovingly— possessively— massaging my scalp. I looked up and he swore, hand leaving my hair to trace my lips. “Fuck your lips look beautiful wrapped around my cock; like they belong there.”

I hummed around him, aiding my mouth with my hand. I loved when Shane lost control. He bucked into my mouth, but his thighs still shook with the restraint of holding back so much more. I was lost in it all, the heady taste of his precome, the smell, the texture on my tongue. Veins pulsed as he fought against his impending orgasm. He was my sensory overload, silencing my mind to think nothing but him .

“Eli, I’m close…” I heard his warning but hoped that my eyes told him I wasn’t moving without drinking every drop. He spit out a curse, burying his cock to the hilt My nose hit his groin and I choked, moaning at the salty flavor shooting down my throat.

All too soon he pulled me off, yanking by my hair until our mouths met in a sloppy kiss. “Get up here, sweet Mouse.”

My clothes were ripped off me and strong arms sweptmy thighs to straddle his head. Before I could say a word, my cock was in his mouth and his hands gripped my ass, demanding I fuck his face. It wasn’t long until shot down his throat, thighs shaking with the force of the orgasm.

Maybe one day I would get used to that feeling and find some semblance of control, but he was my sexual awakening and until I made up for the years I missed, I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop. But at least I had quick recovery time.

I pulled back and parked my ass on his chest, watching as his tongue darted out to lick his mouth clean. “Just when I think you can’t get any hotter, you go and do things like that.”

“Oh, sweetheart, we’re just getting started.”

I was thankful for a quick breakfast with the Jarmans, though I couldn’t hide the heat creeping up my neck in the hopes that they didn’t hear us that morning.

Before I knew it, we had our singular bag packed and ready to head to my apartment. I’d already emailed the realtor, and just had to get my few belongings out of it. I no longer had a job, and as we walked to the cab from Shane's family home, I looked back to where my own stood. The blinds moved and hope flickered in my chest. Maybe, just maybe, they’d come out and talk to me. But as I froze, the blind closed and after waiting a few moments, the door never opened.

“Eli, if you want to try again…”.

I shook my head. “Maybe it's time to put me first.”

Shane took my lips in a kiss that I felt all the way to my toes.

I hope they saw it.

“I love you,” he said. “I'm sorry… I know that's not how we hoped it would go.”

I shrugged, but I couldn’t force a smile. We’d spoken about it amongst the tears last night. It hurt, and it hadn’t truly hit home yet. Maybe because I was holding onto the hope that they just needed time. But regardless, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Because just a few weeks ago the only light in my life was the glow of my laptop. I knew now… that life would kill me.

It was time to let it go.