1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Shane

I equated heartbreak to screaming in a soundproof room. Despite the sound reverberating off the walls, no one could hear you falling apart

That's how I felt watching him wrap his arms around his girl. She was everything I wasn't: blue-eyed and blonde-haired and… a woman. She was perfect, especially with that smile that rivaled his.

I couldn't decide what broke my heart more: seeing him with a girl, or seeing that smile once reserved for me being given to her .

That was my smile.

I loved Christmas. But between seeing my teammate bloodied and bruised yesterday—to watching the true love of my life cozy up with someone else… it was cracking up to be the worst holiday season ever.

Caitlyn, the youngest of my sisters, looked up from her spot on the couch, eyes flitting between the two of us. When her gaze finally landed back on me, the question was laid bare. I shook my head in a silent warning for her to keep quiet . It seemed everyone but him knew—everyone except the one person that mattered .

“So, Shane, have you decided what you are doing after college?”

Mr. Michaels sat in his recliner, hand rubbing his stomach that was swollen from the feast we just had. His eyes were so much like his son Elias — aka Mouse. I didn’t linger long, not wanting to look into those crystal eyes that reminded me of the crisp lakes of Alaska.They almost seemed wrong on him because in my mind, that color belonged exclusively to Eli.

“I’m not sure. I could go pro but I’ve been offered a few coaching positions.”

His lips tightened into a thin line. Eli’s dad wasn't a bad guy but his view could be considered a little… dated. He showed everyone the respect they were due. Though he could be a bit traditional. In his house, that meant sons following in their father’s footsteps.

Like Eli and I, our fathers grew up together. Again, tradition . They grew up in the same neighborhood and went into the same career paths as their fathers before them. Luckily for me, my dad had no desires for me to follow that—even if we did live in the same house he grew up in.

If anything, he was happy that I didn't want to become a cop.

“So, you aren’t going to follow his footsteps?”

And there it was.

Thankfully my dad entered the room, saving me from a response. “God no—I’d rather not risk losing my only son to that career.”His hand landed on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze.

“Oh, well, I suppose there is that. I can't wait for Elias to come work with me.” He turned to his son. “It will be so good to see you every day.”

Eli gave his father a wide grin. “Can't wait dad.”

“Aren’t you going to miss hockey, Mouse?” Dad asked. “You’ve been playing for so long—hard to imagine you doing anything else.”Sometimes I felt like my family knew Eli better than his own. They’d been there for everything in his life. If someone were putting money away based on how much time Eli spent at our place rather than his, he’d be set for life .

Eli quickly schooled his emotions, but I saw that flicker of pain no one else did. “I think I’ll join a social club and play for fun. I don't think I’m ready to say goodbye just yet.”

“You won't have time for that, son. The marketing business is a full-time job. Besides, when you’re not working you’ll be busy keeping this lovely lady happy.”

I scrubbed my palms against my jeans, if for no other reason than to have something to do, the burn of friction against my rough palms a slight distraction from the burn in my chest. My Eli was a bouncing ball of energy—with enough to spare for me. The idea of him not having an outlet for that… Frankly, the thought terrified me.

“Oh I don't mind, sir. Honestly. I love to see him happy no matter what,” Jenna defended earnestly, the way I would have loved to. Eli grabbed her hand, brushing a kiss across the backs of her fingers.

My stomach twisted. I shot to my feet, fast enough to capture attention. I quickly faked a stretch and made a mumbled excuse before walking as calmly as I could to the back porch of the Michaels family holiday home. The cold air hit my lungs in sweet reprieve, and I took a moment to breathe it in, hoping it would freeze the cracks in my heart.

I didn't know if it could get much worse. With my hands on the railing, I pondered how I was going to get through the next few months. The screen door slamming shut made me stiffen. I’d never understand how Eli could simultaneously be the person I craved the most—yet the one I didn’t want to see.

“You okay, Jar?”

I sighed, my breath dancing in the cold air. Jar, because I was nothing but his friend, his teammate.

“Yeah. Tired, that's all, long night with Tyler and Hunter.”

I had let him in on the fact that Hunter had been assaulted by his father—it would have been hard to hide with Hunter missing games. Like always, Eli was blissfully unaware that Hunter had been struggling for years. He was rendered speechless, calling Hunter with an explosion of apologies. Oh, how I’d love to have my head in the clouds.

Though funny enough, it was my favorite thing about him.

“I still can't believe it. I'm glad you and Tyler were there to bail him out.”

I nodded, not much to say in response.

“How incredible is Jenna?”

It wasn't really a question, but I nodded anyway. “She seems very nice.” Don’t judge me—it was the best I could do in that moment.

If my tone was dry, Eli didn't notice. “She is! We’re taking it slow, you know? But we’ve been talking about after college and we both decided to stay in Boston. Dad got me an apartment close to work, so I asked her if she wanted to move in with me and she said yes!” Eli’s fast outburst pretty much was symbolism for what his version of “slow” actually meant.

I nodded and I may have muttered, “That’s great,” but I couldn’t be sure—I was starting to disassociate.

“Yeah, it really is! Like she’s so pretty and kind and I really don't know what she is doing with me. Because well… you know—I talk a lot. And I don't know much about the art she talks about. Or the music, but I try, so maybe that's it.”

I kept bobbing my head in agreement, which seemed to be enough for him to continue.

It was at that point that I regretted not grabbing a beer from the fridge on my way out.

“I really think she’s the one, Jarman. I reckon by next Christmas I'll be asking you to be my best man.”

And just like that my heart stalled in my chest.

“Yeah?” I choked.

That got Eli’s attention, pulling his eyes from the tree line of his family’s estate. He studied me, those golden curls bouncing around his face. "You sure you're okay, Jar?”

“Just a headache, that’s all.” From trying to fall out of love with you .

His brow creased and if he’d tilted his head, my heart may have shattered with how adorable he looked. Luckily for me, he didn’t.

“Aw man, maybe have a lie down. I was hoping to play some games with you and Jenna later so you can get to know each other.”

Cue my inward groan.

I nodded. “I think I might take you up on that.” I squeezed his shoulder because knowing Eli, he would know something was up if I didn't initiate some form of physical contact.

I took myself to the guest room that was designated for me. The house was huge, enough to fit my four sisters, their partners, and children as well as Eli’s two sisters and our parents. Luckily for the only boys, we got our own rooms. I closed the door, losing myself in the silence. I plonked on the bed with a ceremonious thud and tried to will away every memory that came with being in that house.

Twelve Years Old

“Jarman! Watch this!” I turned to see Eli situating himself on a tire. I blinked before the panic hit me. I wondered if there ever would be a day where I wouldn’t have to keep my best friend out of harm’s way. “Mouse! No!”

His retort was cut off when the combination of the slippery tire and his shifted weight had him tumbling down the hill. I ran, though there was no way I’d ever be able to catch up with him. The thick snow slowed me down as I chased Eli’s excited squeals. He was going too fast, and the hill ended on the lake, which we hadn’t determined to be frozen enough to walk on.

“Eli, stop before you get to the lake!”

My voice was rough from the exertion, though cracking with emotion.

He turned to look at me and it was enough to shift the weight of the tire. It caught on something and off he went, tumbling down the hill—thankfully stopping just before the lake. I sighed, running to his side, brushing him off as he sat up with a groan.

“Mouse! Are you okay?”

“That was awesome! But don't recommend that landing. My everything hurts.”

“Did you break anything?” I spat, brushing his hair back and my stomach churning when my hand came away sticky. My heart beat hard in my chest. I grabbed his chin, turning his head this way and that to inspect him closer. It wasn't a deep cut, just a nick. “You live to scare me.”

“At least I’m not boring!” He beamed up at me and I just laughed.

“Are you okay walking back up?” I held out my hand and his small palm met mine. I’d hit a growth spurt over the summer, but my Mouse was small as ever. I loved it.

“Oh, I don't know… I think you may need to piggyback me up.”

I rolled my eyes, helped him up and turned around. “Up you go then.”

It was a slow trip back to the house but with Eli's arms wrapped around my shoulders while he rambled about anything and everything, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

Present

I stirred when a weight shifted the mattress. The room that once was filled with soft light through the sheer blinds was now completely dark. A glance at the clock told me I slept a lot longer than intended and it was past midnight. I rolled, looking over my shoulder to the shape sneaking into my bed.

Even in the darkness, the moon's glow made his blue eyes luminescent. They looked at me earnestly, reading my face like the constellations.

“Eli, what are you doing in my bed?”

He lifted his hand and my heart stuttered as I thought he was about to cup my cheek. My breath lodged in my throat, his hand drifting closer. But I was wrong. The back of his hand met my forehead like my mom’s when she was checking my temperature.

“I was worried you might be coming down with something. I had to check that you didn't have a fever.”

God give me strength.

I moved his hand away that still remained on my forehead and the way his skin sparked against mine had me wondering if I did have a fever.

“I'm fine Eli. Go back to Jenna.”

Did I forget to mention that his girlfriend was currently sleeping in his bed?

“She’s asleep. I missed you tonight.”

No? No mercy. Thanks.

“Eli, please go back to bed.” I sounded a lot more hostile than I normally would with him. He was the one person I found it impossible to be mad at but right then, I was struggling to keep my cool. The heat of his body was leaching into me because he’d somehow weaseled his way under the blanket. I was fully dressed, and he was in nothing but his boxers.

Fuck me dead.

“I can sleep here for a bit like we used to. For old time's sake. I'll wake up and go back to Jenna before she ever knows I’m missing.”

I groaned. “No, you won't. Go sleep in your own bed, Elias.”

“Jarman…” The hurt in his voice did nothing for the fissures in my heart.

“Fine, okay, stay—but we are not talking all night, I want to sleep.”

He made a happy little squeak. Elias Michaels was like Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.

The sheets rustled and he moved close to my side, resting his head just over my heart. I prayed he couldn’t hear how fast it was beating.

“You always give the best hugs.”

That’s all it took for me to wrap my arms around him. I looked to the ceiling, willing the burning in my eyes to stop—that this meant nothing, and this was just Eli. My Eli with a heart as sweet as honey, and as affectionate as a puppy.

As promised, I woke up alone. The phantom weight of Eli’s head was ever present on my chest. With that, I decided I needed to go back to the hockey house. I packed my bags as the morning sun was beyond the horizon, got into my car and drove without a goodbye.

I messaged my family to let them know I went back to college. Not one person argued, and I was pretty sure I knew why.