18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Shane

Twenty Years of Age

" S o where were you last night?” Eli chirped, blue eyes brimming with curiosity “I went to your room, and you weren't there."

"Met someone on Tinder, stayed the night," I replied casually, surprised at how easy the lie slipped out. I’d met him on Grindr—but what difference did it make? Eli had taken to sleeping in my bed again every night and I just needed some space. The tension between us was so thick I was surprised he hadn’t noticed. His presence was an overwhelming reminder of everything I was trying to suppress. His breath, his voice lulling me to sleep, the scent of him that clung to the sheets—each morning was a battle against my own desires, a struggle to resist the urge to bury my face in his hair and lose myself in the moment. .

"Man, isn’t that the third this week?" Eli quipped.

Yes, it was my third hookup of the week—yet it did nothing to scrub his touch from my memory. I kicked myself constantly for it, but it was the only break I got from desperately wanting what I couldn’t have.

Present

It only took one phone call for that glimpse of the old Eli—of my Eli—to dissipate. I deflated at the sight of him pushing his food around, trying to look busy without taking a single bite. It wasn’t like him at all. Normally he was such a bottomless pit that I’d be batting his hands away from my food. Concern churned my gut.

I approached him, taking his plate out of his hands and I saw the apologetic eyes.

“It was really good, Jarman. I'm just not hungry.”

I wanted to pry about the phone call, but I didn’t. “It's okay. I'm starving anyways.”

I leaned in until my torso touched his thighs and finished off his food. He shifted, his leg pressing into me like he was seeking out my touch. That contact alone had me fighting the urge to go into boyfriend mode. I wanted to touch him, really hold him and comfort him with as many kisses as his little heart desired. But I reminded myself of how he hightailed it out of his bed the moment my accidental erection rubbed against his ass.

Straight, Shane. He’s still straight.

Even if I tried to give myself hope by latching onto those little moments where I thought he might be questioning things.

The heavyweight of his head dropping onto my shoulder caught me off guard. "I don't know if I should go to Canada," he mumbled, though his wavering voice gave away the lie.

My stomach did a somersault. "Why, sweetheart?" I asked.

"Work' s insane, and doing it remotely will just add to the stress," he sighed.

"Please, just give it a shot?" I knewit was a big ask but the thought of leaving him behind like that made me feel sick. I couldn't bear the idea of losing any part of him.

There was a pause, a little too long for my comfort, but then his head slowly bobbed against my shoulder and I fought the urge to sigh with relief. Instead I channeled a newfound sense of determination. I had to get him out of this stuffy apartment, away from the suffocating pressure of his responsibilities.

"Go finish getting ready," I urged, giving his thigh a comforting squeeze—maybe a little higher than a “friend” should have—but he didn’t push me away. "We're leaving in twenty."

We sat in the boarding area, Eli sipping away at the thick milkshake I’d coaxed him into drinking—empty calories were better than no calories. I’d hoped the sugary treat would bring back any semblance of his old self, but even as he drank, his eyes remained distant, lost in a world I couldn't reach.

Despite being hyped up on sugar, he dozed off with his head on my shoulder. I watched him as he slept, his features softened by the gentle hum of the engines and the rhythmic sway of the aircraft. In that moment, he looked almost peaceful.

The ride home from the airport was eerily silent, making me understand the meaning behind “deafening silence.” Eli kept his gaze out the window the entire way, not saying a words as we approached the front door.

I didn’t get a chance to unlock it, the knob yanked out of my hand and the door flying open to reveal a smiling Cal, with Tyler and Hunter in the kitchen behind him. “Mouse! So good to see you!” He flew past me and assaulted Eli with a crushing hug.

Cal pulled back after a mumbled, “Hi,” quickly schooling his features to hide his concern. “We have so much planned for you! Come in, come in!”

Eli awkwardly stepped over the threshold, giving the other two men a tentative wave—but they were having none of it, instead wrapping his slender frame into a group hug. “We missed you, Mouse.”Tyler said as he pulled away.

Eli remained silent in the exchange, which was the most alarming part of the whole situation. “Mouse” and “speechless” were two words that never went together.

“I’ll show you my room,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him away from the alarming stares of the other three guys.

Though as we reached my bedroom door, Eli stopped, tugging on my hand. I turned to face him, worried at the look of fear crossing his face "What’s wrong sweetheart?"

His eyes darted from me to the bed, and I struggled to decipher the silent message behind the motion. "Did he sleep here?" he finally asked, the words hanging in the air.

The truth tumbled from my lips before I could even process the question fully. "No. I always slept at his place."

Eli moved past me before I could gauge his behavior. Was he upset that I had been with another man? Jealousy meant that I still had a shot—but I pushed that hope down. He dropped his bag and began to survey the room, his gaze landing on a photo of me and my family.

"When I came here last... I noticed you didn't have any photos of us," he started, his voice thick with emotion. "It was like you’d already written me off. I came here..." He trailed off, his gaze turning skyward as if drawing strength from the heavens. "I came here feeling lost, like I was failing, and I couldn't understand why my best friend wouldn't answer any of my calls. My mind was so loud, and my apartment was so quiet. And then I got here..."

His voice cracked, a single tear pouring down his cheek and I moved before I even realized what I was doing. I scooped him up, his legs instinctively wrapping around my waist. I decided right then and there that it was where he belonged.

I took him around the bed, holding him through the sobs that shook his body. “ Mouse?”

He pulled back, eyes red and snot dripping down his face. I leaned over, still holding him close so he didn’t fall, relishing in the feeling of his limbs tightening around me. I slid open my bedside drawer, pulling out the wooden box that lived there. I watched his eyes light with recognition. He made that box himself in high school and gifted it to me. He didn’t realize what it meant to me that he wrote Mouse + Jarman forever on the lid. To him, he was claiming that our friendship would stand the test of time. But me? I prayed it would be us in every sense of the word— forever .

“You kept it.”

I nodded and opened the lid, a few stray photos fluttering to the floor—that’s how full the box was. “I couldn’t ever write you off.” I wiped his tears away while he flipped through the photos, memories that we’d made over the years brightening his eyes.

He took a deep breath, resting his forehead against mine. The look he gave me as he looked at me through those beautiful blonde lashes stole my breath right from my lungs. “We were pretty good together, you and me.”

Warmth spread through my veins like he held a torch to my heart. “Yeah, sweetheart. We were. Always were, always will be.”

Eventually, I had to let Eli down from my arms—reluctantly. He slipped into the bathroom to shower while I dressed in my favorite hoodie and a well-worn jersey. My excitement bubbled up inside me, manifesting in restless pacing as I waited for him to emerge. We needed something to break the tension, and I was banking on rink-side seats at Tyler's game to do the trick.

Finally, the bathroom door opened and Eli stepped out—wearing nothing but a towel. I froze mid-step, not even bothering to hide the fact that I was staring. Eli naked was a sight to behold at any size, but this was alarming. I had known him for as long as I could remember, and while he had always been slim, now he seemed almost fragile, his bones protruding beneath his skin. I tamped down my concern, foregoing a smile.

Eli's brow furrowed as he took in my appearance. "Are you heading out?"

I chuckled, relieved he hadn’t caught my slip. I grabbed the spare jersey from the bed and offered it to him. "Yeah, sweetheart, with you. We're going to the game."

Eli hesitated "I don't know about wearing a Vancouver jersey…" he trailed off, and I couldn't help but laugh at the irony. We were both die-hard Boston boys.

“I know, but our Aussie is playing for Vancouver and it might look bad if we show up in Boston jerseys.”

The old Eli would have jumped at the chance to see Tyler in his prime. Tyler had been a lifeline for him last season, both on and off the ice—they even shared the same line. But all I got in response was a simple, "Okay." It was a far cry from the enthusiasm I had hoped for.

He accepted the jersey, rifling through his bag for the rest of his clothes. I wanted to urge him to make himself at home, to unpack and settle his things into my drawers, but I held my tongue. It wasn't the right time to push him, not yet.

I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment when he darted back into the bathroom to get dressed—he was no longer comfortable changing in front of me. With a sigh, I made my way out to where the others were waiting. Tyler had already left but Hunter and Cal were both dressed and eager to go. I stifled a laugh at the sight of Hunter practically bouncing on his toes with excitement. It was a rare occasion when their busy schedules aligned, and he got to see Tyler play

“Come on Mouse!” Hunter called, disregarding the glare I gave him. “We can’t walk around on eggshells around him, Jar, he needs normal.”

He may have had a point but that didn’t stop me from feeling protective—losing Eli was a far greater risk than I wanted to admit.

But it seemed to work, and Eli emerged from my room, dwarfed by the jersey with an almost bashful look on his face. “Sorry, I'm ready.”

Hunter grabbed the keys and practically ran for the door. “Let’s go! Also… I’m not sure about seeing all you guys in my man's jersey. It feels wrong.”

Eli looked down at the garment, fiddling with the hem. “I can take it off.”

“Don’t be silly. Aussie’s going to love it, I’ll stake my claim on him later tonight.” Hunter wagged his eyebrows and Eli’s jaw dropped.

“Okay, let's not scare poor Mouse,” Cal said, ushering Hunter out the door and into the waiting SUV.

After a short car ride that involved Cal breaking the ice with his off-key singing, we got to our seats which were in front of ice. Hunter fell into a rare silence, watching Tyler warm up and it almost felt too intimate to be beside him. Tyler was stretching his hips, occasionally looking up to give Hunter eye contact, shaking his head and biting back a smile. “Get a room you two,” I said, jabbing my elbow into Hunter’s ribs.

“Oh, you will be needing headphones tonight boys,” he answered with a smirk.

I groaned, because it wouldn’t be the first time.

“How the fuck did I miss those two were together?” Eli whispered in my ear.

I laughed, “They did hide it well, I just know what it's like to look at someone that way.”

I turned my eyes to him and gave him a onceover, hoping he caught my drift. I smiled when I was blessed with the tips of his ears going red. He looked back to the ice, and I watched as he took a deep breath, almost inhaling the scent of the arena. “I missed it. It's been months since I stepped foot in a rink.”

I thought as much. When you give up something that’s a part of you completely cold turkey, it never ends well. Eli was good enough to be playing by Tyler’s side, and I thought throughout college that he would find himself and stick it to his dad. “I go back to work after the new year. You should come sometime and help with the kids.”

Eli looked at me, a slight twinkle coming to his eyes before it was extinguished. “I would love to, but I don’t know when I’ll have the time. Working remotely is going to be a struggle as it is.”

I reached over, resting my hand on his thigh. “We’ll make something work. One time, that's all I ask.”

I waited for him to call me out on all the one time favors I was asking for, but he didn’t. Instead, he placed his hand on top of mine, sending a shock up my arm—then he nodded. His hand stayed there the whole game, only moving when he jumped for joy as Tyler got the first goal of the game. For those sixty minutes, I watched in awe as my Eli returned. He was yelling at the refs, complimenting plays with his mouth running with fervor,

“What a play Aussie!” he yelled more than once banging on the plexiglass, having Tyler hit his stick against it in return in acknowledgement.

His cheeks were flushed, his eyes bright and it was a sight I never wanted to lose again. A low hum of energy buzzed within me. I thought I’d found happiness without him, but I never realized that he was my happy all along—not until that moment, when my cheeks hurt from smiling. When I was old and gray, with deep lines around my mouth, I would be calling them Eli lines—because he was the cause of every single one.

The night was a success, Hunter was buzzing with energy and eager to get home to wait for Tyler. He never went to the locker room—Hunter said it was too impossible to not kiss Tyler's face off—his words not mine. I knew to hide myself away before the inevitable mauling occurred the second Tyler walked in the door.

Eli and I retreated to my room, where he plonked himself on the end of my bed.

“Do we really need headphones?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “It's likely.”

Eli’s innocent expression only fueled my amusement.

I knew he was a big talker in college, but I also knew he didn’t hook up—not really. I was thankful he ran his mouth in the locker room, but then snuggled up in my bed.

I was frozen in place as Eli began to strip to his boxers and get ready for bed. Eli just looked up, a twinkle of amusement in his eye. “Coming to bed big guy?”

I couldn’t get undressed quick enough. The moment I was under the covers, he found his place on my chest like a magnet. My fingers found his hair and I let them play with the shorter stands.

“You cut it.” I wasn’t sure if he preferred it shorter, but I knew I liked it when it was long enough to curl at the ends, when the different hues of gold danced in the light. If I were honest, I’d pictured holding that hair in my fist while bending him over way too many times for it to be appropriate.

“Dad wanted it to look more professional, more grown up.”

This concept of having him grow up was grating on me, his addicting youth was something that was solely Mouse. It was a quality I believed people stomped on in the whole pursuit of adulting because they wished to be a kid again. He made me feel young, happy, and free, which I could never imagine to be a bad thing .

“Being young isn’t a bad thing Eli, We’re only in our twenties.” It was hard to remember that sometimes. Both of us having jobs and responsibilities .

“It’s my job—they want me to be like my dad.”

I was starting to see a common denominator in everything—outside of my own fuckups. I’d be damned if I let his job and his dad dull his shine any longer.

“Have you ever thought that maybe this job isn’t for you? That you might be happier doing something else?”

He stiffened in my arms. “This was always the plan Shane. I have a responsibility to the company, it's the family business.”

I wanted to groan and tell him to fuck the business–but I didn’t. I simply held him tight, brushing a kiss to the top of his hair. It didn’t take long for us to drift off, even though my thoughts were loud, the steady whisper of his breath over my skin swept me away into a peaceful sleep.