14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Shane

Sixteen years of age

“Eli, it's freezing out! come inside!” I scolded as I stood on the porch.

Eli sat in the thick snow, looking to the sky. I wished I had a camera to capture the sight in front of me, but my memories would just have to do. His golden hair caught the twinkling light under the star-scattered sky, the flurry of snow dancing in the air kissing the strands as it blew in the wind. I sucked in a breath, the cold reminding me to stop staring.

"But it's so beautiful!" he yelled back, turning to look at me over his shoulder. Even in the dim light, those deep blue eyes sparkled with excitement. I cursed under my breath, knowing I would have to brave the cold to drag him back inside.

With a sigh, I retreated indoors to grab an extra blanket and a beanie for both of us. I waded through the thick snow to sit beside him, feeling the icy chill seeping through my clothes. But I forgot about it immediately as I saw the look of pure joy on his face.

I shoved the beanie on his head, adjusting the strands of gold so he could see. Despite the freezing temperatures, there was something magical about sharing this moment with Eli.

"Always taking care of me," Eli hummed with a contented sigh.

"Someone has to. You’d get hypothermia otherwise," I replied, wrapping the blanket around the both of us and snuggling as close to him as possible. I always thought the saying "cold hands, warm heart" was written about Eli; his capacity for caring somehow made his body feel as icy as the freshly laid ice in the arena.

He snuggled in close, resting his head on my shoulder. "Mm, you're so warm. Did you know that white-tailed deer shed their antlers? Their antlers are the fastest bone in the world to grow!" he continued; his excitement evident in his voice.

I bit my lip to stifle the adoring smile that threatened my lips. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, imagine if scientists could replicate that! If we ever broke a bone in hockey, the recovery time would be next to nothing!"

I loved the way his brain worked. For the next forty minutes, I listened intently as he babbled on about his random facts. But when his teeth started to chatter from the cold, I knew it was time to intervene.

"Alright, I like my best friend alive. Let's go have a hot cocoa by the fire," I suggested.

He leapt to his feet at the mention of sugar. "Okay! I know where the mini marshmallows are!"

Damn, I should have tried that hours ago

I watched him dash through the snow and bound onto the porch with unabashed enthusiasm. "What are you waiting for, you big slow giant? Marshmallows and chocolate await!" he called out.

As he disappeared inside, I stole a moment to gaze up at the falling snow, capturing a shooting star streaking across the sky. In that moment, I wished fervently that Eli would never change and maybe… just maybe I could call him mine one day.

Present

I stood there, watching him drive away, feeling the weight of those words sink into the pit of my stomach. Those words had been sitting on the tip of my tongue for years. I wondered how he would react if I ever had the courage to spit them out. I had imagined countless scenarios, most of them ending with him awkwardly rejecting me and unable to reciprocate my feelings. But none of them had prepared me for this: watching someone I hardly recognized drive away.

He wasn’t my Mouse anymore. He looked...broken. The sight of him cut me to the core. I had thought the shattered look on his face that summer was unbearable, but this was far worse. The man who had once been my source of strength, my beacon of light, now seemed drained of all vitality. He was a shadow of his former self, his once vibrant features now gaunt and bruised.

A surge of anger welled up inside me, a burning rage directed at those closest to him. How had they not seen he was suffering? If only I had known the extent of his pain. I would have dropped everything and rushed to his side; job be damned. I wanted to demand answers, to know why no one had intervened. My friend was sick, and it seemed like no one had been there for him when he needed it most. And that thought tore me apart inside.

I turned to face Jordan, his worried expression mirroring the turmoil raging within me. It pained me to see him caught in the middle of this mess. I cared for him deeply but in that moment, every bone in my body itched to run after Eli. Climbing the stairs of the porch, I met Jordan's gaze, taking in those beautiful green eyes.

"He doesn't look good," he muttered. I could only nod my head. I felt like a pressure cooker ready to explode—but Jordan didn’t deserve that level of rage. "I think,” he continued quietly, "I think you need to face the fire inside. Do what you need to do and then go find your friend. I'm going to call an Uber and take the next flight home."

My heart plummeted at his words. "I don't want you to leave," I protested, the fear of losing him adding to the pain.

Jordan stepped closer, his face reflecting the sadness in his eyes. "Baby, this has been fun, really. I... I was on my way to falling for you. But you were right, and your family’s seen it all along. You love him.” he took a deep breath and continued “We haven’t known each other long but I know what you’re thinking. You're kicking yourself for letting your distance get in the way of protecting him. You want to storm in there and rip everyone to pieces for not doing more for him. Because we both see it— the man you love is not okay. And I think it’s because he loves you too. Without even knowing it. I know a broken heart when I see one."

I turned away, tears beginning to fall without my permission. Eli's haunted features flashed before my mind's eye. The fear of losing the man who had always been my sunshine…to a darkness I might not be able to penetrate—filled me with a profound sense of dread.

"This isn't goodbye for you and me," Jordan said softly, his voice breaking the heavy silence between us. "I came into this knowing you had a flame for someone else, and you gave me every bit of yourself that he didn't already have. And for that, I thank you. I do still want to be friends. You can't get rid of me that easily, okay?"

I choked out his name, feeling the weight of his words settle on my shoulders. His arms wrapped around me, holding me close as if it were our last embrace—and it likely was. My heart cracked at the thought, because despite everything, I cherished what we had shared. I’d seen a future with us.

"Don't worry about Joe. I'll make sure he doesn't punch you for us parting ways," Jordan added, trying to inject a bit of levity into the moment.

I choked out a humorless laugh. "I don't want you to go," I blurted out again, the words tumbling from my lips before I could stop them.

Jordan pulled back slightly, cupping my face in his hands, his green eyes shining with unshed tears. "My sweet Shane,” he cooed. “Your heart isn't mine to have. It's his, and he needs you right now. I may kick myself for being this selfless, but I saw the look he gave you the moment he set his eyes on you. I think it's time you told him the truth."

I fought back the urge to tell Jordan that I just had, but he’d already gone inside and headed upstairs.

I didn’t think anything could top last Christmas yet somehow, this did. And the worst was yet to come.

I stormed into the living room, boots and coat still on and not caring about the snow and mud I was leaving in my wake. All eyes turned to me, taking in my tear-stained face.

"How have none of you done anything about Eli?" I demanded, my voice thundering through the room. Faces contorted with a mix of guilt and discomfort as my words hung in the air.

"I tried warning you, Shane," Caitlyn spoke up, her voice tinged with regret. And she had, I realized, though I hadn't fully comprehended the extent of Eli's struggles.

"You didn’t say it was that bad! Where is the Eli Michaels from last Christmas?" I continued, my frustration boiling over.

Silence filled the room, most bowing their heads in shame. Mr. Michaels shot to his feet, defensive.

"I'll have you know he straightened his act right up and he is the top performer in my agency."

"Straightened his act?" I scoffed. "He wasn’t some delinquent! Last I checked, Eli was the happiest person in the world. Blissfully so. He spoke with passion and zeal, with a fire in him that outshone anything in this world. I don’t know who that man is that just left but that is not your son."

Mr. Michaels fell silent, and I could see the moment my words sank in. "I asked if he was okay and he said he was," he finally admitted.

I laughed bitterly. "And you believed that? The lifeless eyes, the weight he's lost... None of that raised any red flags for you? None of that made you realize he might have been lying?"

My father cleared his throat in warning, but his eyes reflected the same sadness and frustration I felt.

"I can’t believe none of you came to me and really told me the extent in which he was...depressed," I managed to choke out, the words catching in my throat. It was a bitter realization, one that shattered the image I had of Eli as invincible, unbreakable.

There were many things I had considered to be pure myth—a horse that could ice skate, a cow with wings—but the idea of Elias Michaels being depressed seemed like the most mythical of all.

With a heavy heart, I cast one last glance at our family before retreating upstairs to my room where Jordan was engrossed in his phone.

"I'll take you to the airport," I stated firmly, my mind made up. There was no way I was leaving him here, and I certainly wasn't staying myself. I needed to do what I should have done that past summer—hug the man I loved, tell him I loved him and tell him I was sorry. It was long overdue.

I parked at the airport's drop-off and sat in silence with Jordan, unsaid words lingering in the air. I studied his face, wanting desperately to express all the emotions swirling inside me.

"I'm—"

"Please don't say you 're sorry," he said softly. "Really. Does it suck? Yes. But it wasn't meant to be us."

His words hit me with a pang of guilt. I wanted to argue, to tell him he was wrong but deep down, I knew he was right. Our time together had been wonderful, but it wasn't meant to last.

"I loved being with you…" I admitted, my voice barely more than a whisper.

Jordan's smile, though tinged with tears, was both heartbreaking and comforting. His thumb brushed over my beard gently, a gesture that felt achingly familiar yet painfully fleeting.

"And I you," he replied, his voice equally soft.

With a heavy heart, Jordan extricated himself from the car, retrieved his bag, and walked away. I watched until he disappeared behind the glass doors, conflicted with loss and gratitude for that man.

As I pulled out of the car park, I let the tears flow. Thoughts of what could have been raced through my mind. Jordan had been the easy choice in so many ways—everything with him had flowed seamlessly. But one glance at Eli and he had my heart in his hands.

My GPS guided me to Eli's apartment in the city—a place that was now unfamiliar to me, a stark contrast to the address I once had stored in my phone. It occurred to me then that I didn’t know why he’d changed apartments. There was so much I didn’t know about the man I used to know inside and out.

I parked in the guest lot, entering the luxurious foyer and pausing when I saw the concierge. Though I knew Eli’s apartment number, I didn't want to risk him turning me away. So, I pretended to be engrossed in a phone call, biding my time until someone else approached the elevator. When the opportunity presented itself, I swiftly slipped inside, ignoring the concierge 's voice behind me. The man inside barely noticed, occupied with his own phone. As the doors closed, he looked up, flashing me a smile upon realizing he had been blocking the buttons.

“I’m so sorry. What floor?”

“Eight.”

He swiped his access card and pushed the button.

Once on the eighth floor, I headed to Eli’s. I knocked and waited, hearing the commotion of security guards heading my way.

Some fancy digs you have, my love.

Eli's door swung open, revealing his red-rimmed eyes scanning between me and the security personnel.

“Want to call off the guard dogs?” I asked, gesturing behind me.

"He's with me," Eli told them, voice lacking its usual warmth.

The guards backed off. "Alright, Mr. Michaels. Please ensure he's familiar with the building rules to prevent any further incidents."

Eli nodded in agreement and gestured for me to enter. Once inside, he greeted me with a flat tone. "You didn't need to get yourself arrested to see me."

The emotionless demeanor wasn’t a fluke, then. Had I lost my friend for good?

"Would you have let me up if I asked?"

His silence said all I needed to know.

Silently, Eli made his way to the kitchen, where a half-empty bottle of bourbon awaited. He braced himself on the counter with one hand, taking a long drink from his glass .

Taking a moment to survey the apartment, I noted its plain furnishings and the absence of any personal touches. No pictures adorned the walls. There wasn’t a single Christmas decoration in sight—it was unlike Eli.

“What’s the matter? Don’t like the place?”

I swallowed my response and approached him. I took the glass, dumping its contents and letting the crystal clatter into the sink. Then, without a second thought, I pulled him into a tight embrace.

He didn’t react at first, and I fought back the urge to break down in tears. But gradually, I felt the tension melt away as he allowed himself to lean into my embrace.

I held onto that man as if my life depended on it, clinging to him as if my arms could erase the time we spent apart. His body trembled, and I felt my jacket grow damp from his tears.

"I'm so sorry, Eli. I am so sorry," I murmured.

"You left me," he whispered, his words barely audible but piercing to the core.

“You left and I realized so much, Shane.”

"What did you realize, Eli?"

"No one took me seriously. I was just some idiot kid that people couldn't trust. I couldn’t present myself at work, I didn’t realize that my girlfriend was only with me for money and was cheating on me in my own fucking bed! I realized the one person I thought I had—didn't need me, didn't even want me. I realized that I’m all alone."

With each word, Eli's pain seeped into my soul and shattered me into a million pieces.

I used my hold to lift him onto the counter, his arms wrapped tightly around my neck and his head buried in the crook of my neck. I cupped his face in my hands, gently urging him to look at me. "Eli, look at me," I pleaded when he fought my grip, my voice cracking with emotion. Everything inside me wanted to call him some sweet pet name, wanted him to know how much he meant in any way possible, but I refrained.

He shook his head, his eyes fixed on his lap.

"Why can’t you look at me?" I implored, tears streaming down my cheeks alongside his.

"Because every time I look at someone these days, I don’t like what I see," he confessed.

Oh, Eli.

I decided to throw caution to the wind. “Sweetheart, look at me, please.” I swiped tears away with my thumbs, fighting the overwhelming urge to kiss them away

He looked at me, and the devastation that I found there made me breathless.

“There you are.” I rested my forehead against his. “You are not an idiot, in any sense of the word. You are the smart, beautiful, kind, light of my life.”

Hazy blue eyes moved between mine. “But you left. You wanted to be away from me, you hid your true self from me.”

“I did,” I breathed out. Eli tried to move away from me, but I held strong. “Because I was in love with you Eli. I wanted to be more than your friend and seeing you with a woman you loved… fucking killed me. I felt my heart shattering every time I saw you. I thought I could find a life without you in it because only having half of you wasn’t good enough. I was selfish, I wanted you all to myself and when you couldn’t offer that, I ran.”

Those ocean eyes were transfixed on mine. “I wish you’d told me.”

I sighed, nodding against him. “I see now, I made a mistake. I was wrong Eli—having half of you is better than not having you at all.”

Eli pulled me to him, closing the space between us. His legs wrapped around my waist, and he held onto me as tight as I held him. We stayed there until I heard our stomachs rumble. We both huffed a laugh.

“Let me cook you something.” I pulled back to see Eli’s face all screwed up. “No excuses. Don’t think I am not going to mention how much weight you have lost.”

I pulled away, refraining from kissing any spot on him I could reach. I opened all his cupboards, only finding one plate and two glasses. I opened his fridge—bare. I was starting to see why he had lost weight. “Okay, please don’t tell me you spent all your money on the rent.”

Eli scoffed. “No, I just can’t cook. On the nights I’m not stuck at the office I order in… that’s if I’m hungry to begin with.”

Stuck at the office. I never thought that would be something I heard from Eli.

“Then I’ll go out and get us something. Can I have a key or something to bypass the whole security detail scenario?”

Eli hopped off the counter and dug a card from his wallet. I had my hand on the door when my name being called made me turn back. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

The painful reminder hit me so hard I winced. “He went back to Canada… we broke up.”

After getting his favorite pizza and a few days’ worth of groceries, I found myself back in the foyer of his apartment complex. I nodded to the concierge and waved the card in my hand, loving the annoyed look in his eye. As I opened the door, I scanned the space only lit by the gas fireplace in front of the couch. Eli was curled up on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and fast asleep.

With a sigh, I padded to the kitchen and put the groceries away. The smell of pizza must have done the trick because a foggy-eyed Eli rolled off the couch and padded barefoot over to me in his gray sweatpants with a BU hoodie— my hoodie. It was so much like when we were in college, which I was finding hard to believe was only a year ago. So much had changed. Eli jumped onto his spot on the counter, claiming the pizza box for himself.

“Has Tyler tried pizza yet?”

I smiled around my own bite. "Nope, though not for the lack of trying on Hunter's part," I replied, relishing the flavors dancing on my taste buds. "Over the summer, he made it his mission for Tyler to eat anything other than healthy food. He even convinced him to have waffles and ice cream for breakfast once. It was hilarious. Hunter still jokes that maybe the only orgasms Tyler needs are of the food kind."

I glanced up at Eli, feeling the sudden shift between us. His face had tilted down, and his half-eaten pizza slice lay abandoned in the box.

"Eli—"

"Why couldn’t they tell me?" His voice broke. "Did they really think I was that much of a talker? That I would out them to the world?"

"No, Eli," I said softly, reaching out to him. "They just thought the fewer people who knew, the less chance it had of getting out."

He stared into the flickering flames of the fireplace. "I thought they were my friends."

"They are your friends, Eli," I assured him, feeling every ounce of his pain. "They love you. They miss the hell out of you. They've been trying to contact you."

Eli nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. "They have. It's fine. It is what it is, I guess."

With a heavy sigh, he pushed himself off the counter and washed his hands in the sink.

"I'm going to bed," he announced quietly, his voice tinged with exhaustion.

"Eli, you barely ate," I protested.

He shrugged. "I'm full. Help yourself."

I stood in the middle of the kitchen, listening to Eli’s footsteps pad down the hall until his bedroom door softly clicked shut. The sound echoed in the empty space, leaving me feeling adrift.

I was at a loss with what to do. I had never seen him this way before. I didn’t know it was possible for the happiest person in the world to be that depressed.

Feeling a surge of desperation, I pulled out my phone and dialed back home, seeking solace in the voices of those who knew me best.

"Jarman!” Cals voice chimed in through the speaker, his cheerful tone giving me a spark of hope. “Merry Christmas, though you're calling a day late."

"Hey Cal." I replied, trying and failing to keep my voice steady.

"Shane, what's going on? Where are you?" His concern made Tyler and Hunter appear on the screen.

"Hey, guys," I sighed, rubbing a hand over my weary face. Their immediate shift from holiday cheer to genuine worry tugged at my heartstrings, reminding me of the unwavering support I had in them, even from a distance. But in this moment, I couldn't shake the realization that Eli had no one. It hit me like a slapshot to the face.

"I'm at Mouse's. Guys, he isn't okay," I confessed, the reality of the situation pressing down on me. "I've never seen him this way."

Cal raised a hand, brows furrowing. "Hold on a sec, where's Jordan?"

Cal and Jordan became fast friends despite the short duration of our relationship. I wasn’t joking when I said everything with him was easy. He got along with everyone.

"We broke up," I admitted, the words heavy on my tongue. "He took one look at me and Eli and…"

Their faces cracked with concern. "Oh, Jar, are you okay?" Cal asked.

"I'm fine," I assured them, even if it was a lie. "It sucks but he was right. I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship when I was still in love with Eli. It wasn't fair to him."

Sadness pooled in their eyes as they absorbed my confession. Tyler took the phone, being the natural dad of the group. "You said Mouse was in a bad way? What's wrong, is he sick?"

I bit my lip to stop the tremble in my voice. "Sort of. I mean, he isn't eating, he's lost a lot of weight, and he thinks all these things about himself that just aren't true. I feel like it's my fault and I don’t know how to fix it."

"If I could, I would be there," Tyler's voice soothed. "I have a game in two days. From experience, just love him. Love him like you know how to and maybe, just maybe he will see the light. If not, we can band together to get him the help he needs. Show him that he isn’t alone."

Hunter jumped in with a suggestion. "Is there a way you can get him to come here? Talk to his dad, make him take some personal leave and move in with us? That way he can be surrounded by friends. He's really isolated where he is."

The thought of leaving Eli to return to Canada was unsettling, so I entertained Hunter’s idea. It had its benefits. "Great idea, Hunter. Thank you."

With new found purpose, I began to make arrangements. I was determined to do whatever it took to help Eli find his way back to himself.