31. Kat

31

Kat

When I entered her home, I realized it was a mistake. My mother-in-law burst into tears, and I was transported back to the day I lost everything. She still held me responsible for Alex's death.

As if I wanted my husband to die, I tried to tell him to run, but he tripped. My poor husband, who was constantly tripping on his own two feet, tripped, and the explosion got him.

I could never forget the day an oil derrick explosion took my husband and our unborn child. The pain was unbearable, and I had to leave this town to escape the condolences and sympathy that only deepened my sorrow.

My friends meant well, but their constant visits and discussions of the tragedy made it worse.

We all felt the ground rumble. I screamed for Alex to run, but he fell, and when I turned to go back for him, my brother picked me up and carried me far away; Alex was gone before we reached him.

I lost our baby that night. In a single night, I lost everything I loved. And his mother still blamed me for their death.

I held my baby in my arms when I miscarried. I was six months pregnant. The hospital tried taking my baby from me, and then my mom was there helping me. We cleaned the baby and wrapped him in a blue blanket. Both of us cried until we had no tears left.

Our baby boy was buried with his daddy. I tried to stay in my home, but too many people kept visiting, offering condolences that only intensified my pain. If I could have gone to Mars, I would have. I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew leaving would be hard on my family, but I had to leave; otherwise, I would spiral into a deep abyss from which I might never recover. A month later, I sold my home and hit the road.

My family didn't want me to go and begged me to stay. Jason wanted to go with me. They didn't believe I would stay away, so I promised to call them every Sunday, which I faithfully did. I missed them terribly, but I was afraid that returning home would resurrect all that pain, and I was right.

When I found this job with the former Army Special Forces, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I kept to myself, and so did they. I said I was married because I didn't want any of them asking me out—not that they would; all of them had plenty of women stopping by.

As it turned out, their number one rule was not to date coworkers, which suited me perfectly. I thought I'd never have to deal with oil derricks again, so when I heard we were coming here, I convinced myself that I could handle it and that I would be alright. I would have been if I hadn't gone to see my in-laws.

Now, here I am with my team, and it felt like my world was crumbling. My pain was suffocating me. I couldn't breathe from the pain in my chest. All I could see were memories of Alex and my baby. I needed to leave. I glanced at the guys sitting at the table, attempting to tell them I had to go, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead, I broke down and cried.

River pulled me closer to him and put his arm around me. He always smelled so good. "Tell me why you are so upset," River said.

I shook my head, unable to speak.

"Can't you see she's too upset to talk?" Gage said, trying to calm me as he wiped away my tears with a napkin.

"Someone must have said something to hurt her feelings. Kat never acts like this," Tag declared. "Tell us who hurt your feelings. Was it your in-laws?"

I took a deep breath and held it in as I looked at my guys. I avoided meeting River's gaze because I knew those beautiful blue eyes were fixed on me. He pushed his beer over to me, and I took a big drink.

I never talk about this because it destroys my soul every time. I knew tears were still streaming from my eyes.

"Today, I went to see my in-laws at their house, and she still blames me," I managed to say before covering my face and crying. "I held my baby in my arms…" I paused and lifted my head, noticing my parents approaching our table.

"Mama, I told you she would bring it up again. She still blames me. She's a mean, hateful woman. I will never speak to her again."

My Dad pulled me up, took me in his arms, and rocked me like a child until I calmed down. Finally, I turned and looked at River. "River, I lied to Gideon when he hired me. I said I didn't have any mental problems, but as you can see, I have lots of them."

"What is going on with you? I would never have asked you to accompany us here if I knew this would happen. Where the hell is your husband? Why can't he tell his fucking mother to keep her fucking mouth shut."

I knew River wanted to hit something. I've seen him from the work area I had at work, and when he became angry, he would go out back and punch the punching bag.

"My husband is dead, and so is my baby. The night my husband died, I miscarried my little boy. That was three years ago. I was doing pretty well until I visited Alex's mother. She's a mean woman." The guys were staring at me like I said something horrible.

"Well, she is."

"Katrina is right. I can only blame myself for telling her to visit that bitch. Wait until I get my hands on her. I'm sorry, sweetheart," my mom said, wiping my face off.

I looked at Kat's mother; she was as beautiful as her daughter and madder than hell.

"Mama, it's not your fault. I'm thirty-one. I knew what would happen, and I still went." I looked around the table, and the guys were still watching me. "What?"

River looked angry. "You said you were married."

"Are you mad because my husband died?"

"No, I'm mad that you lied about being married."

"Are you going to fire me?"

"I don't want to fire you, but damn it, do you realize your marriage helped you keep this job."

"Why?"

"Because there is that damn rule that coworkers can't date. You're too attractive; I won't be able to keep my hands to myself."

"Oh, for Pete's sake, that's silly. I'm sure you'll have no trouble keeping your hands to yourself. All you have to do is call up one of those dozens of women you always go out with."

"River, just don't ask her out," Gage suggested.

"It's not that simple. I've been fighting the urge every damn day. I wanted to bring her into my office and strip those hot skirts off her. Now that I don't have to resist that urge, we won't last a week working together. I did wonder why we never met your husband."

"What are they talking about?" Mom asked, looking at me.

"I don't know. I think River is going to fire me because my husband is dead."

"No, I'm not going to fire you because of that. It's because…" River hesitated and glanced around the table. "Our plane leaves at six in the morning. I expect all of you to be ready by five. Kat, that includes you."

Tag looked like he wanted to argue about something. "We have our private plane; why does the time matter?"

"Because that's the time we arranged with the airport." He got up and walked away.

"We'll vote to ensure he doesn't fire you," Gage said. I'm so sorry you went through all that pain.

"Thank you," I glanced at River's spot. "He didn't even eat," I noted, watching him walk toward the rooms. What is his room number?"

"Number twelve."

"When we order ours, I'll have them deliver a meal to his room."

"Sweetheart, have you considered moving back here to where your family is? We miss you so much," Mom said.

"I miss you too, Mom, but I don't want to live here anymore. It causes me too much pain. I love living in California. I love my job. You don't have to worry about River firing me."

"Well, then we will come and visit you in California."

"That will be nice," I replied, though my mind was on River, worrying that he would indeed fire me.

Sure, I noticed how attractive he was; all the Special Forces men were incredibly good-looking. But River had those mesmerizing eyes that seemed to devour me with every glance.

I used to condemn myself because I wanted to be one of those women he was always with—the ones who came to the office and draped themselves all over him.

I wanted his hands on me like they were on those women. At least it wasn't only one woman, proving he wasn't serious about any of them. Maybe this wasn't going to work out.

I'm sure he would have said something before we arrived on the plane this morning if he was going to fire me. My eyes were swollen from crying most of the night, but I was relieved I still had my job.

"Kat, can I speak to you for a moment?"

I turned toward River as I stepped onto the plane. "Of course. Should we take a seat, or do you have something to say before I sit down?"

"Yes, take a seat, please. I want to apologize for what I said. I didn't mean to imply I'd fire you because of your husband's death," he reached over and took my hand, "I'm truly sorry for the pain you've endured. Losing your husband and child in one day must have been unbearable."

"I can't even fathom how you've managed to cope with the loss of your husband and your baby son. You don't have to worry about your job or me. I was just speaking out of turn because I couldn't stand seeing you so upset."

"Thank you."

"So, could you tell me more about your husband?"

He encouraged me to share about Alex, and the others gathered around us, listening intently. "Alex was originally from Kansas. He transferred to our school when he was in the tenth grade and I was in the ninth. We became fast friends, and I eventually fell in love with him.

I guess it could have been puppy love at first, but my love grew stronger when we married. He asked me to marry him when I was in college. I had plans for my life. I told Alex that I intended to join the Marines when I left college; he was upset because he wanted me with him. But I wasn't going to change the plans I've always had since I was little.

"I served in the Marines for four years before I got shot twice, which led to my return home, or I would have stayed in longer. I wanted to help more people."

"Alex was working for my family. We married shortly after I returned from Afghanistan. Then I became pregnant," I paused, taking a deep breath.

"I was scared the first time I felt my baby move. I wanted to experience that sensation again. My love for my son was stronger than anything I've ever felt, and my heart shattered when I lost him."

I wiped away my tears, but they continued to flow. "I miscarried my baby when I was at the hospital because I started having severe cramps. When I looked at him, he was perfect. He looked like a peacefully sleeping baby."

"The nurses tried to take him away from me, and I knew it was irrational, but that was my baby. I couldn't bear the thought of him being buried in a cold, dark hole. My mother helped me clean him, and I wanted to see every inch of his beautiful body. His image will forever be etched in my memory."

I turned to River and noticed the compassion in his eyes. Sharing my memories of Alex and our son felt like a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.

"I'm sorry I didn't open up about my family earlier. Somehow, I thought that by not mentioning them, none of this pain would ever happen again. I just let it build up inside of me."

River put his hand up against my cheek and kissed me, not like a man would kiss a woman but the way a friend would kiss a friend. I still wanted to lick my lips. Of course I didn't he would see me. I wondered if he would think I was crazy if I shut my eyes. Gazing into his eyes made me want to moan out loud.

"You listen to me, Kat. You are one of the strongest women I've ever known. I'm sorry for what happened to you," I was having difficulty concentrating on anything after his lips touched mine. Sure, it was a consoling kiss, but still, his lips touched mine.

"You have to move on from this pain. If you keep crying, you're going to make yourself sick. It's okay to mourn them when you have an ache that touches your heart, but it's over. You have to move on."

I nodded; that was all my brain could do at the moment. His arm was still around me. I don't think he even realized he made his way to me.

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