Chapter 21

When he pulled up to his mom’s house, there were already a few cars outside. He hadn’t been home in at least three years. In his mind, he realized that he was still calling it home. Though it really hadn’t been in a long, long time. His heart sped up in his chest and he got out fast, partly because he was a few minutes late and partly because he was afraid if he sat much longer, he might just drive away.

His mother said that May would likely be sleeping. The interventionist wanted to meet them all beforehand. Apparently, that was a thing—hiring an interventionist. Sterling had come with something he had written for May, but wished he’d had more time. Last night when he looked over it again, he wished that he could have asked Reese to read it. Then again, maybe not. Since Reese was like his mother, hoping in things that didn’t make logical sense. He was still trying to wrap his brain around how he had gone from kissing her and feeling like he was falling headlong into something real to the way things had ended: him furious, leaving her at her door without a backward glance.

He still felt hot thinking about it. Angry, but also something uglier. He felt ashamed.

Sterling simply hadn’t been expecting Reese to start talking religion. And to sound like his mother. He hadn’t been prepared, so it felt like a slap in the face, like a betrayal of some kind. His jaw ticked, and he reached for his pick. He had overreacted. Not for the first time in his life.

The crushed look on Reese’s face haunted him. He was angry at his father. Yet he had made it about her, pointed his words toward her like a weapon. The same way he had been angry with his mother for years. Sterling felt like a truly terrible person.

He sighed and pulled out his handwritten letter to May, stuffing the police warning into the glove compartment. If the officer had been right in his cryptic philosophizing about warnings, Sterling had no idea what the messages of the last day were trying to tell him. Probably nothing. You couldn’t read signs into everything.

Sterling debated about calling Reese to apologize before going inside. Pulling out his phone, Sterling’s fingers hovered over his text messages. But he couldn’t apologize over text. Hopefully, Reese would enjoy the spa and he could find her after and tell her what a jerk he had been. For now, he needed to be present. For May. Later, he could beg for forgiveness from Reese. He felt like he would need her steadiness and her kindness after this intervention. If she still wanted to be there for him.

With his letter to May in one hand and the pick in the other, Sterling walked to the front door like he was walking toward war. That was dramatic. Like he was walking toward a business meeting with the record label that he really didn’t want to attend. Better.

At one time, he would have simply walked in. But now he knocked. As though she had been waiting on the other side, his mother threw the door open. For a moment, they both stood there, staring at each other. She looked older to Sterling, her face more heavily lined and her dark hair less pepper and more salt. But it was her eyes that caught him. He had expected to see anger there or a cold detachment, since that was the feeling that marked their relationship the past few years.

Instead, her eyes brimmed with tears and her gaze only showed love. His mouth went dry. Before he could speak or move, she closed the distance between them, wrapping him up in a hug.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you, James,” she said.

Sterling hugged her back, feeling a sense of relief at her reaction. It was confusing, since she hadn’t wanted him to come home for the intervention. He thought this would all be an uphill battle. “I thought you didn’t want me to come,” he said.

She pulled back and touched his face, lightly, as though she was afraid he would pull away. “I was worried,” she said. “I didn’t know how May would react. I didn’t know what kind of frame of mind you were in either. But I think above all, I was afraid you wouldn’t want to come. Rather than letting myself hope and be hurt, I thought it would be better. That was wrong of me and I’m so sorry.”

Again her eyes filled and she hugged him. He hugged her back, trying to reassure her with his grip. The scent of her perfume sent a rush of warm memories through him. She still wore Trésor by Lanc?me. He would know that smell anywhere.

“I’m here, Mom.”

“I’m so glad. Though this isn’t going to be easy.” She pulled back again, holding him by his upper arms. “Let’s go inside. It’s almost time and the interventionist wanted to say a few words before we start.”

“Where is May? How are you getting her here?”

His mother smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “She’s here, asleep. Came home around two in the morning and usually she’ll sleep until eleven. I’ll wake her up in a few minutes and bring her out.”

“Wow. She’s slept through this?” Sterling asked as they reached the formal living room that was at the front of the house.

“She sleeps like the dead,” his mother said. “Trust me, she has no idea.”

There were just a few people in the room. His Aunt Rebecca jumped up and hugged him. Aunt Bex, as he and May had always called her, was his mother’s sister and lived in Arizona.

“Oh, James. How wonderful that you’re here!”

He swallowed down a lump in his throat. “Hey, Aunt Bex. Good to see you.”

She pulled back and gave him a wide smile. She was ten years younger than his mother and when he and May were young, she had been their cool Aunt Bex, who was almost like a nanny for them, especially after his father left and his mother was working and trying to make it as a single mom.

Rebecca had actually moved in for almost a year around that time. May had been barely a toddler and Sterling had been an angry eight-year-old. A few years later she had gotten married and moved to Arizona, which meant they didn’t see her as much for a few years. Sterling didn’t realize how much he had missed her in his life until this moment. Guilt washed over him as he thought of how many times he had been close to her on tour and hadn’t thought to offer her tickets or even call.

“Let’s not let it go so long next time, okay?”

“Deal,” he said. His mother tugged gently at his arm and he sat down in a chair, while his mother and Bex sat on either side of the couch, leaving the space between for May, he guessed. The only other people were the interventionist, May’s art teacher Mr. Davis, and her best friend, Sara, who had really grown up in the past few years. He wouldn’t have recognized her.

“Hey,” he said, a little nervous.

Though he was used to teenage girls squealing and being reduced to a puddle of emotions around him, Sara just gave him a small smile. At least she wasn’t angry with him about May. “Good to see you again, Sterling,” she said.

For the next twenty minutes, the interventionist, a man who insisted they call him Dr. Bob, talked them through what would happen. He kept bringing up the fact that normally he would do a longer dress rehearsal as he called it the day before. Sterling wanted to punch the man by the time they were ready to wake up May. He just had that kind of an attitude. Hopefully, May wouldn’t feel the same way about him or this would all be off to a bad start.

“Sterling, I understand that the relationship between you is tense or maybe even nonexistent,” Dr. Bob said.

Sterling fought off the urge to say something insulting. “You could say that.”

Dr. Bob nodded. “The order here is important. May isn’t going to like this, but if we start with people who might anger her, then the whole thing could fall apart. I understand you brought something to read, but I’d like for you to hold off. You may not get a chance to read it at all.”

Sterling opened his mouth to protest, but his mother held up a hand. “Even though they aren’t close now and there is some history, I know that May looks up to him a great deal and has missed him. I think that it will mean a lot to her that James is here.”

Dr. Bob tilted his head to the side before answering. “But you said when we talked that she was angry with him. And that his fame was part of the impetus for May’s spiral.”

Sterling felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He tried to sit still other than the pick moving in his fingers. This was about May, not about him, he told himself.

His mother pursed her lips. “That’s right.”

“Then I stand by what I said. We’ll wait on Sterling. I’ll see how it’s going and give you an opening if I get the sense that you should share,” Dr. Bob said.

Sterling hated that he had so much distance from his family. That he hadn’t seen Aunt Bex in something like six years, his own mother and May in three. Being here in this room made him realize that he needed to change this. It was time to make some serious shifts in his life, even if it was painful. Reese crossed his mind again and he tried to fight off despair, thinking of how many relationships he had tanked by being emotionally distant or just by running away.

Dr. Bob finished preparing them. Sterling had watched a few YouTube videos of an intervention show just to get a sense of what he was walking into and this was surprisingly similar. He had thought maybe a TV show about interventions would be mostly hype or over-produced TV. Dr. Bob had a script and an order for people to share. He warned them to keep their emotions controlled, especially negative emotions like anger, no matter how May responded. They should not go off-script and if May attacked them verbally, they shouldn’t respond.

That warning shocked Sterling into realizing just how serious this was. His little sister, verbally attacking anyone? It was so hard to believe.

“Your body language should remain open and relaxed. Try not to cross your arms or to lean forward because that may come across as confrontational. Lean back, keep your arms to the side or in your lap. Don’t cross your legs. Sterling, you look especially tense. See if you can calm yourself.”

Sterling knew Dr. Bob was right, but it still burned him. Everything about this man rubbed him the wrong way.

“Could we pray before we start?” his mother asked.

“I’m not really a person of faith,” Dr. Bob said. “But if that’s something important to you and would help with centering you, that’s fine.”

Sterling felt himself tensing and tried to lean back in his chair, uncrossing his arms with a sigh as his mother began to pray.

“Dear Lord, thank you for this day and this time. We all care so much for May and I know that you care for her. You know her name. You are pursuing her even as she runs from you. Bring her back to you. Let her be open. Soften her heart. Help us to have the right words to say and let her hear your words through them. We can’t change her—only you can do that. Let us simply be tools. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Sterling felt his heart tensing through the prayer. He knew that his mother was sincere and that her words were for May, but they could have been about him too. He had been running. From his family and even maybe from God.

Later.He could examine this later, but for now, he needed to be here for May. Swallowing, he again focused on relaxing his posture, rubbing the pick between his fingertips rather than flipping it over his knuckles.

“Why don’t you get May and I’ll get her a cup of coffee,” his mother said to Aunt Bex and she nodded.

Sterling couldn’t remember the last time he felt so nervous. It had been three years since he had seen May. The distance between fourteen years old and seventeen was wide and as May walked into the room, looking disheveled and sleepy, those three years were the difference between a girl and a young woman. She was taller, thinner—gaunt, almost—and had a severe-looking tattoo peeking out from her T-shirt sleeves. Beautiful still, with her blonde hair and wide blue eyes. It was her eyes that pierced Sterling, especially when they landed on him. They were hard and looked like they had lived through things he didn’t want to imagine.

She stopped walking, not seeming to notice anyone else in the room. First, her eyes registered shock. Then they lit with a fiery anger. Her lips twisted and she opened her mouth, likely to hurl some kind of insult.

Dr. Bob spoke before she could. “Hi, May. I’m Dr. Bob. Would you mind taking a seat?” He gestured to the place on the couch between Bex and Sterling’s Mom, who held out a coffee mug.

May seemed to realize for the first time that the room was full. Her mouth closed with a snap and she stomped to the couch and flung herself down. Sterling saw his mother wince as the coffee spilled a little on her pants, but she just brushed at it after handing the mug to May.

“I’ve watched enough TV to know what this is,” May said.

If Sterling had been shocked by her appearance, the steely anger in her voice was worse. May didn’t just look different, she was not the sweet girl he had left behind when he moved to Nashville.

“May, I’m Dr. Bob. I am a family counselor and your family has asked me to come today. Everyone in this room loves you unconditionally. They wanted a chance to share their feelings with you and have written down some words for you. We’ll start with your Aunt Rebecca.”

Bex, Sterling wanted to say, but he stayed silent. He didn’t miss May’s eyeroll, but she turned and listened as Bex somehow managed to read through her letter without crying. Sterling’s own letter sat in his lap, though he knew he might not get a chance to read it. Compared to what Bex said and then his mother, his letter felt small and unimportant. His mother, unlike Aunt Bex, cried throughout her letter, with Bex tossing tissues into her lap.

May’s face didn’t reflect any change. She looked like she had been carved from stone. In the videos Sterling had watched, some of the people ran out of the intervention, some lashed out, some laughed or denied. May did … nothing. Not when her teacher spoke of her talent and how he had seen her addiction impact her art. Not when her best friend broke down and told May how much she had seen her change and how she missed her.

Throughout it all, Sterling struggled to keep his emotions in check. He knew that he was supposed to be relaxed, but everything in him had tensed up and looking calm took an effort that shocked him. He could feel the sweat on his back. Even his scalp felt hot. His palms were damp and he had never known pain, not even when his father left, like what he felt now. It felt like fire was licking away inside his ribs, destroying him. He couldn’t decide if he wanted Dr. Bob to let him talk or not. The guilt of being gone and of being a part of what caused all of this made him feel like he didn’t have the right to say anything at all. He was glad to be here, to show support, but he should have been here more all along. In so many ways, it felt like it was too late.

Dr. Bob smiled at May, who still sat expressionless, holding her cup of coffee. “May, there is a treatment facility nearby that has a place for you. Your family would like—”

“What about him?” May interrupted. She pointed at Sterling, then met his eyes with her flaming gaze. “Why isn’t he saying anything?”

Dr. Bob cleared his throat. “Would you like to hear from your brother?”

May crossed her arms. For the first time in the whole time they had been in this room, she didn’t look stiff and still. She looked furious. Sterling’s heart raced and he had to look down. This was so stupid. He shouldn’t have come. She clearly didn’t want him here. Or maybe it was that she blamed him for everything, just as he blamed himself.

“James, would you like to read your letter to May?” Dr. Bob asked.

“I’d love to hear what you have to say, big brother.” May’s words dripped with sarcasm. Aunt Bex put a hand on May’s knee, but May jerked away.

“Go ahead, James,” Dr. Bob said, though Sterling could tell that he was unsure about this.

Sterling nodded. He looked up at May once, pleading with his eyes. Her rage felt like a living thing, filling up the room and sucking out all the air. Sterling dropped the pick and held the piece of paper in his hands. Without planning to do so, he said a silent prayer.

Lord, I’m the worst person to do this. But please, let something reach May. Even if she hates me forever, bring her back.

He began to read, choking up almost immediately and struggling through every word.

“May, I love you so much. I know that I haven’t always shown it. I feel like I abandoned you when I moved to Nashville and I wasn’t here when you needed me. I knew that you were struggling and the ways that I tried to help were not enough. I haven’t even been here to see the changes in you and had to hear from Mom how hard it’s been and how you have been struggling with addiction.”

Sterling took a breath and looked up at May. She stared down into her coffee cup. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand and kept reading.

“I miss you, May. I want to see you get the treatment you need to help with this addiction. It isn’t you. I know you have no reason to trust me or believe my words. I hope you can forgive me. I want to promise you this: if you enter into the treatment facility, I will cancel the rest of my tour so that I can be there for you. I’ll stay nearby and visit you whenever you can have visitors. I will do whatever I can do to show you that I love you and to see you get the help that you need for this addiction. I love you, May-May.”

He had written this last part this morning, the part about quitting the tour. He couldn’t even imagine what the fallout would be and how much money he would lose. Hopefully Reese could help him handle the public aspect of it, if she hadn’t run away screaming yet from his outburst that morning.

Even if it ruined him, he didn’t care. He knew that it was what he needed to say and what he needed to do. He could give up his career for his family. It shouldn’t even be a sacrifice. It was just what you do when you love someone.

Again, Reese came to mind. Though he was very much present in this moment, he also felt an urgency to find her and to make things right.

When Sterling looked up, May still had her eyes down, but he could see that the coffee cup trembled in her hand. Gently, Aunt Bex took it from her. His mother’s mouth hung open and tears ran down her face. Sara sniffled from her chair nearby and the art teacher looked extremely uncomfortable with all the emotion. Sterling fixed his eyes on his sister.

“May?”

She lifted her chin and met his gaze. Her eyes were flooded with tears, but what he noticed was that her expression had softened. The fury was gone. She looked exhausted.

“I want to go,” she said in a quiet voice. “I know that I … need help. I’m scared and I think I might change my mind if we don’t go right now. But I don’t want this to be my life.”

As she broke down and wept, covering her face with her hands, Bex and his mother put their arms around her, drawing her close. Sterling wanted to cross the room, but didn’t know if he should.

Dr. Bob caught his eye and gestured with his head toward May. Sterling dropped his letter to the floor and moved to the couch. His Mom and Aunt Bex sat back, leaving May looking small on the sofa between them. Without giving it a second thought, Sterling picked her up and pulled her to his chest. May buried her head in his shoulder, sobbing. Sterling was crying too, his relief mixed in with his regret.

“I’ve missed you, May-May,” he said.

“You too, big brother.” Hearing her call him “big brother” sent an even stronger wave of emotion through him. After everything that happened, he really hadn’t even hoped for a restoration between them. It seemed too large. He hadn’t come here for that, but to see her get the help she needed. This felt like an undeserved blessing.

If you really are there, thank you, he prayed silently. I feel like I don’t deserve to have my prayers answered or even listened to, but thank you.

After being resistant to the idea of God for years, that tiny, silent prayer left Sterling feeling an odd sense of peace that didn’t seem to fit the difficult situation. He hadn’t expected that. Later, maybe he could process that. Again, the thought of Reese with a stab of guilt so intense that he had to hold his breath for a moment.

The next thirty minutes were a fast flurry of activity as May packed and the final arrangements were made. Sterling sat on the floor in her room while she stuffed things into a suitcase.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” May said. “I’m sorry you had to come. That I’m … like this.”

“May, I’m glad to be here. I’m just sorry for not being here sooner and for any part I played in all of this.”

May shook her head. “It’s not your fault. I mean, sure, the bullying and stuff started because of you, but I’m not the only person who has dealt with mean kids. It passed. I’ve been angry about a lot of things—I still am. I’m really scared about this. I don’t know that it will fix me. Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

He got up and squeezed her hand. “You are amazing. It’s not about fixing you, but dealing with the addiction. It’s a sickness. Think of it as going to get well. And I’ll be here every step.”

Sterling flinched, thinking of Reese and how he had accused her of wanting to “fix” him through her prayers.

“Did you mean what you said?” May asked, sitting down on the bed next to her suitcase. “About quitting the tour?”

Sterling sat next to her. “Yes. I just need to make a few calls. I won’t leave you.”

May’s eyes filled again. “Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. But you don’t need to do that. I think I needed to know that you would, but I don’t want you to lose out on all that.”

“May, you’re more important. You always were and I know I didn’t show that. I want to show it now.”

She took his hand now. “No. You’ve shown me enough. Go on the tour. Just … will you come see me when you can? When it’s over or when you have shows nearby? I’d like to come see you. If I’m out, I mean.”

“I would love that,” Sterling said.

His mom and Aunt Bex were going to drive her to the facility and she said she didn’t want Sterling to be there. “I just think it might be weird,” she said. “Like, if I’m checking in and the women orderlies start trying to get you to sign their body parts or something.”

Sterling laughed. “Okay, I really missed you, May.”

Aunt Bex and his mother hugged him and then they all started for the door. Sterling felt a lightness that he definitely didn’t have when he arrived. A small part of him was waiting for the bottom to drop out of things, because this felt like too much goodness. Way more than he deserved and more than he had even thought to pray for.

Maybe all wasn’t lost. Just as he opened the door, he checked his phone, ignoring a host of missed calls and messages to open a single text Reese had sent hours ago. It said, simply, “I’m praying.”

Unlike earlier that morning, when he had responded with anger, the words filled him with warmth. Sterling almost couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and tell her that. To apologize and hope that she would understand and to tell her about May.

But when they opened the front door, it was to a swarm of paparazzi with cameras flashing and questions shouting.

“Tell us about your new girlfriend!”

“How many girlfriends do you have, Sterling?”

“Any more babies out there that we don’t know about?”

“Sterling!”

“What do you have to say to the rumors that you cheated on Morgan?”

As the four of them pushed through the crowd of photographers, Sterling fought the urge to shove them. “Just get to the car,” he said to his mother and May. “I’ll handle them. Just go.”

Their car drove off, May waving out the window to Sterling as he fought his way to his own car, trying to figure out how to actually drive without running over one of the photographers. Clearly something had happened this morning. He didn’t want to stop now to look at his phone because of the paparazzi, but as he drove to the hotel, he had a sinking feeling. He should have known that the good feelings were simply too good to be true.