26. Peris

My feet are leadenwhen we finally step over the threshold. Frigid air swoops in behind me, making me shiver as I turn the knob and silently latch the door.

Abel’s body is folded in half as he bends to untie his shoes, pulling haphazardly at the laces and toeing them off. They thunk against the wall with a short kick, and then, he’s rising up again, hands pressed to his lower back with a quiet groan.

My own shoes find their place beside his, and we both walk into the living room in mutual silence, languid with exhaustion and confused revelations.

We haven’t spoken much since I clutched his fingers. Couldn’t, really.

“Whatcha wanna watch?” Abel asks as he plops down on the sofa with a huff. I follow the outline of his body, over his tangled, wispy hairs. Creased uniform and streaky makeup.

A heat that was once unfamiliar blooms inside my chest, the kind of weight that grounds me to the moment. I press my palm against it, hating its ache as I round the side of the couch and take a seat beside him.

There’s really no point in pretending I don’t want to be right there next to him.

Not right now, anyway.

“You and I both know you’re already searching for SpongeBob,” I say on a low drawl, eyes already closed as I lean back in the corner of the sectional.

My body sinks into the worn cushions, the dredges of sleep fluttering around the edges of my consciousness.

“Hey, I take offense to that,” he snarks, making my lips twitch.

I drop my head to my shoulder, arms crossed over my chest as I peek at him through bleary eyes.

“You take offense to nothing. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

He shoots me a smirk before pressing play and dropping the remote to the coffee table. With a sigh, he drops back, tugging the quilt over his exposed legs as he settles in. His eyelids are heavy, dark, spidery eyelashes fluttering his cheeks as the screen’s light flashes over his pale face.

I hear the voices emitting from the T.V., but they’re merely a faded background noise as I watch Abel. The crinkles near his eyes, the way his stained lips pucker. Listen to his highest, breathiest chuckles and muted snorts.

“You’re not worthless,” I mumble as my eyelids sink shut, body tingling as sleep burs into me. “Not to me.”

A hitch of breath that pierces through my brain. “Peris…” My name is whispered, and it aches too much.

I regret ever opening my mouth, even as I lean closer to his uncomfortable warmth. “Just forget it.” I backpedal, taking the easy way out.

Except it’s not easy.

None of this is.

“I wish I could.”