25. Abel

I slip further downwith a breathless gasp, feeling the floor come up to meet me. Peris yanks me back up, and a moan rips from me at the newfound release on my neck and the jarring slide of his dick.

“You don’t know me.” The words sound pathetic, even to me, but I have to say them, regardless.

“Yeah, baby. You’re right.” Baby… That name aches with all the rest. “Why don’t you just shut up and squeeze that pussy around me.” Peris’s breath is all over me while his cock is so deep inside me.

I react to his crude words on impulse. “S-shit,” he grunts, hands grappling at my thighs. The tips of his fingers radiate with their own pulse that shoots straight to my trapped balls.

“Make it tighter, runt. I want you to strangle my cock.” His thrusts are speeding up, even as I clench as tightly as I can. And I have to admit, it’s euphoric. The fight, the slick slide. The gasp he tears from me with every draw back, dangling on the precipice just before he fills me with a sharp slap of our flesh.

With a pathetic mewl, I fight against the material of my skirt bunched around my waist. When my hand finally finds its way inside my jock and I touch my aching dick, tears spring from the corners of my eyes.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Peris snaps, yanking my arm away. I cry out in frustration, fighting against him as my eyes water.

“Need to come.”

“I don’t fucking care.”

I scream so loud, it reverberates around us. His hand slaps against my face with a deafening crack. The pulse of connection steals my breath for a moment as I stare at Peris’s wide eyes.

His head jerks around, cocked to the side, probably listening for any possible persons interrupting the moment.

While he’s distracted, I sink my teeth into the flesh of his index finger. “Fuck!” he shouts, pulling away.

“Fuck you!” I scream in retaliation as I shove my way inside to grab my dick again. The relief is instant. The tears only come harder.

“You little fucking—” He stops, eyes dropping to the wet tracks down my cheeks. I feel my makeup staining my skin, sticky and itchy. Peris blinks. I feel his dick twitching inside me.

“Oh,” I gasp, breathless. I squeeze my eyes, drawing more. His chest heaves.

He loves seeing me as vulnerable as he feels.

Time rolls to a stop in this place we’re connected. Fighting and clawing for something that neither of us can name.

My arm speeds up, but even with my movement constricted, the precum leaking from my little hole is more than enough to set me on fire. Tightening my fingers in a ring at my base, I arch, head slamming into the wall as the radiating throb shoots through my balls and into my dick.

“Jesus fucking Christ, pup,” Peris moans into my neck with a few jarring, painful thrusts of his own before they slow into a more leisurely, mechanical sway. Like a boat rocking on waves.

It’s a gentle ease down from a peak I didn’t know I could reach. I sigh softly, my fingers having found their way into the hair at Peris’s nape. It’s sweaty and tacky and perfect.

Peris grunts, lips parted on my bare skin. His tongue darts out, tasting my flesh—and that’s how we stay as the thrashing in my sternum slowly eases into its usual, off-beat rhythm and Peris’s chest no longer heaves, hands steady as they hold me.

When his legs buckle, he pulls out of me just before we collapse to the floor. Peris lands on his ass, leaning on his right side, and I fall on top of him, heads inches from colliding. We’re so close, our eyes cross as we stare at each other in the umbra.

There will always be shadows between us. Too many secrets and lies we’ll never expose, their verities damaging and impossible to face.

“I get it now,” I tell Peris on a whisper. His dark brows tug together, creating that signature wrinkle between them. The silence ensues as he absorbs my words.

I know the moment understanding dawns. Those brows raise higher, eyes widening slightly as he leans away. It doesn’t take long for shock to wear back into his usual angry fa?ade.

Or… it’s not a fa?ade, but the one real part he chooses to focus on out of all the rest of his truths.

“We’ll only ever be hate and madness, won’t we?”

There’s a long pause as his vibrant irises scour every inch of my face. His thumb grazes the drying, itchy tracks over my cheeks, most likely smearing mascara around.

I find that I don’t care in the slightest when it’s Peris making a mess of me.

“Anguish, too.” And then, he’s pushing up and away to yank his shorts up, covering his glistening, soft cock. I stare at his crotch, feeling an odd sense of desolation.

Peris’s eyes dart toward me for a moment before tracking over the mess we made. My messed up hair, ruffled, twisted uniform now stained in various fluids. The bottle of lube abandoned off to the side, cap open as it spills onto the floor.

His hands catch on a bar above him as he moves to yank on his hair, a gesture he makes often when he’s frustrated or confused or feeling too much of anything, really.

And then, his phone rings, cutting through the echoing silence. His muscles tense, and he turns his back on me. Leaving me alone on the cold, gym floor with his cum leaking out of my ass.

The loss of his presence is jarring as I push to my feet, albeit unsteadily. My hips ache, ass on fire as I step into my spanks, pulling them up to hopefully catch most of Peris’s cum. I wriggle, unable to bite back my small smirk at the sensation. It’s a feeling I’m used to, but knowing it’s Peris’s spunk makes it feel different.

His words of anguish flutter around in my mind as I shove all my shit back into my bag and duck below bars as I step out from beneath the bleachers. And even though the lights above are a dull yellow, I still blink rapidly through their brightness.

Peris’s back is to me, phone to his ear as, I assume, he listens to someone talk. I don’t bother waiting, knowing he got what he wanted and that’s the end of it. Shame should coat every inch of my skin as I walk away and push the door open, but it doesn’t.

It never does.

Because I got what I wanted, too.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Peris shouts from behind me just as the door slips from my fingers. I quirk a brow he can’t see before continuing on my way.

I’m playing hot and cold with him—I know that. But I also don’t know any other way.

In the moment, it’s so easy to fall into it all—the visceral infatuation. But after, when we’re separated and the haze begins to fade, I remember it’s not real life—just like I always do—and the sting of reality hurts a little more.

In fact, it’s beginning to hurt so much, getting high is the only thing that helps. It’s never been my bag—Peris was right about it being something out of my control—but it fades the need that grows inside me a little more every day.

The need for Peris and the strange comfort he gives me. It’s like… I don’t have to hide with him like I do every other person in the world. He already sees me as I am—all my ugly—and he thinks I’m pretty, anyway.

He made me pretty.

But I can’t need it—because it’ll get taken away. It always does.

The only person in the world I ever needed was Mo, and after I got busted for stealing food, I never fucking saw her again.

The pain of that nearly did me in. I can’t do it again.

I don’t think I’ll survive it. So… I push away. I get hatred and anger and release, and then, I walk away. Because it’s the only thing that makes sense. And it’s like I told Peris.

I fucking get it now.

The dance of demons only leads to the descent into Hell. And I can’t fall into it with him.

“Don’t fucking walk away from me!” Peris shouts at my back, causing me to startle. I tense from head to toe at the volume as it resounds, but my steps don’t slow.

“Abel!” Louder, closer.

The toe of my shoe catches on the lip of the door as I push through, and I stumble forward. My bag flies off my shoulder, and the zipper rips, all of my things inside flying across the floor.

My knees crack against the mat below as I stare out at the only things I really own, exposed to the luminescent moonlight.

A sob rips through my throat before I can stop it, and the tears gush. My body curls inward, arms wrapped around my middle in a pathetic attempt to keep it all inside—but it’s useless.

Just like me.

Peris’s legs come into my peripheral as he pushes past me. He dips down and grabs the old, yellowed Polaroid of me and Lucy. My fingers twitch to take it from him, but I can’t.

Pathetic. Weak.

Worthless fucking—“This your mom?” Peris’s question cuts off my train of thought.

I blink rapidly through the onslaught, but it’s futile. On a snot-clogged sniffle, I nod jerkily—just once. I can’t meet Peris’s gaze. Can’t face the tangible proof of my own pitiful existence.

“You look like her.” His eyes are flicking between me and an eighteen year old photograph of my mother. I sigh, but it comes out more like a sob.

Running the back of my hand across my nose, I sniffle again. “Yeah.” My fingers pluck at my stained shoelaces, eyes drawn to Peris’s purple and black shoes. Nike. Really nice.

“Get up. Let’s go.” He shoves all my shit back in my bag, and I nearly blurt that he’s doing it all wrong, but I catch it at the last moment. Pushing myself up takes a gargantuan effort, but with Peris’s hand on my elbow, I straighten and push through the other door.

The frigid, autumn air stings my skin like a thousand needles as I follow in Peris’s footsteps. My bag swings from his hand while his duffle bag hangs from his shoulder.

By the time we reach his car, I’m shivering, and my teeth are chattering. Peris takes one look at me and sighs. “Get in, runt.”

“I-I can w-walk-k,” I stutter. Peris scoffs and yanks the passenger door open.

“Get. The fuck. In.” Without waiting for a response, he shoves me inside and slams the door behind me. He opens the back to drop our bags before walking around to the driver’s side. I reach back and pull my bag into my lap as he settles in, fingers tapping on his phone.

An intense silence builds between us as he pulls out of the empty parking lot, music thumping low from the speakers. Flicking a quick glance in his direction, I reach for the knob and turn it up.

My head bops slowly to the beat of one of Eminem’s songs. Peris doesn’t acknowledge the volume as he drives down one of many darkened streets—away from the house.

“Are we not going home?” I ask softly, tugging on the hem of my skirt. My skin is still pebbled in gooseflesh, but the car has finally started to warm up, and the rush of warm air from the vents makes me shiver.

My thumb grazes the edge of a scar.

“No.” Peris doesn’t elaborate. I frown at him, but he won’t fucking look at me.

“Why?” I press harder against it. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels different—and different is better than this.

He turns left, taking us out of town on a gravel road. Rocks spit up on either side as he increases speed. The car dips as he goes over a small hill, causing my stomach to swoop. The silence lasts long enough for the song to switch again, now an old hip-hop song.

“Peris?” I ask, nails sinking in. His fingers tap along to the beat, a clear indication his hearing is, in fact, fucking working.

Unease burns along my flesh, and I still feel so exposed. I wriggle in the seat, wincing from the sting when the movement causes a gush of cum to leak from my hole.

I flush, but thankfully, it’s dark apart from the eerie, green glow of the dash and the clock screen.

“Peris.” I try again.

“Leave it, Abel.” He takes the left turn with ease, even going forty miles an hour on a gravel turn. My hand shoots up to grab the oh shit handle as I slide into the door.

When the car straightens, I adjust my seatbelt. “Trying to kill me?”

His eyes flicker toward me for a flash before he lowers his head and mutters, “Trying to kill something.”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I sit in silence, accepting the fact that Peris has, indeed, kidnapped me, and I’m his hostage.

Dramatic, sure, but it fits the bill.

My eyes catch on my bag, flayed open with my things hanging out. Most of the safety pins busted open, leaving the shredded straps to dangle uselessly. I finger a black thread, wrapping it around my finger until it cuts off blood flow, and then, I slowly unravel it before diving inside to see what’s broken.

My books were already fucked, but now “Go Ask Alice” is split into two pieces. My CDs are the same shitty, scratched discs they were. When I pull out my Discman, I hold my breath as I turn it on, only releasing it when the screen illuminates and the CD spins.

Tears burn my eyes as I shove it all back inside before pulling out the Polaroid of me and my mother. I flick the spark wheel on a lighter, watching the small flame flicker in the dark. I bring it to the corner of the photo, watching as it slowly burns. Turning brown, then black, the plastic curling away from the heat.

“Stop.” The photo is snatched away. I gasp, staring at Peris with wide eyes as he shakes it before tossing it on the dash—the furthest spot from me.

“Give it back.”

He doesn’t even fucking look at me. “No.”

“You can’t just take shit from me, Peris.” I’m huffing, but I can’t help it. My skin is crawling and burning with unease. “Please don’t take my stuff from me.”

“Abel—” He cuts off sharply, then drags his fingers through his wild hair. He yanks, hisses. Followed by muttered curses, and then, we’re turning again.

As we roll to a stop at a stop sign, I lunge over the center console. Peris’s arms readily block me, his face a blank mask. I scramble over his strong arm, clawing at bare flesh to get to the photo.

“Let me have it!” I scream. It echoes, and I wince, but he still doesn’t move. “Fucking look at me!”

His eyes slide to the right, and I go cold, realizing I don’t feel any better.

“Do you even want it?” he asks, stepping on the gas. Rocks spit as we lunge forward, and I’m thrown back in my seat.

Chest heaving, I clutch my seat belt. “Of course, I do.”

“You were trying to burn it.”

“Not for the first time,” I snap. “I never go through with it. But I don’t see why that even matters to you,” I add.

“Because you’ll regret it someday,” is all he says, confusing me even more.

“You don’t know shit, Peris,” I mutter, knowing he’s right. But I’m sure as shit not going to tell him that!

Narrowing my eyes, I unzip the front pocket and pull out a baggie with my pre-rolled joints. At the snap of it opening, I glance over, but he’s not paying me any mind. I smirk as I press one between my lips and light the end, inhaling as the cherry burns bright red.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Peris snaps. His foot slams on the brake, but I expected that, so I already have an arm out to brace myself as we skid to another stop, gravel spitting up around us. I’m able to steal the photo back with zero resistance and shove it inside my book because his eyes never leave the smoke curling up from my mouth.

Distraction works wonders.

“Yanno,” I murmur through the spiff between my lips, “I’m surprised you haven’t killed someone with your reckless driving.”

Peris tries to swipe the joint from my mouth, but I jerk back, slamming into the window as I do. It’s jarring, and my eyes roll back, but it’s worth it to see the sneer of indignation on his face.

It’s quiet for a few long moments as Peris’s chest heaves, fingers clamped into fists while I continue to smoke, puffing on it like it’s the last time I ever will—and it might be if Peris does good on his threat to kill me.

It’d be a good way to go, I think. By his hands, looking at his face. In those eyes.

When he still hasn’t made up his mind, I draw back, coughing and blinking rapidly through the tears streaming from my eyes. They burn with the smoke circulating around us. “Hotboxing the car, eh?” I rasp, lifting a brow.

Peris frowns before reaching back to roll all the windows down without looking. The gust of frigid air makes me shiver, goosebumps prickling across my body instantly. “You gonna roll those up now?” I ask as the seconds tick by, lingering smoke long gone. “It’s freezing.”

Nothing.

Just his intense… weird staring.

“Hello?” I lean forward to tap my finger to his forehead, but right before our bodies connect, his arm shoots up, and his fingers clamp around my wrist. The bones grind together, making me hiss.

“Give it to me,” he whispers, slowly pulling me closer.

“No.” I take another drag just to piss him off. Before I can blink, it’s between his fingers, and his arm is out the opened window.

“Peris, don’t you fucking dare!” I claw at his skin with a pathetic petulance. “Weed ain’t cheap.”

“Should’ve thought about that before you fucking lit it in my car.” His fingers flick, and a small, red glow arcs through the air before disappearing. Dust swoops inside the car as Peris guns the gas, making me cough more than the smoke did. I cover my nose and mouth with my bare arm, hoping to block it out. His eyes flick toward me—I know because I can’tstop looking at him.

The windows roll back up along with a burst of heat from the vents. I shiver against the change, curling over and nearly choking on my seatbelt. I graze my throat, tender and sore, pulsating with its own heartbeat in the shape of Peris’s hand.

I follow the beat with tingling fingers as my head thunks against the cool, damp glass, grazing over gooseflesh and hissing at the presence of blooming bruises. Peris cranks the music up until it vibrates inside my mind like all the rest.

And it’s nice. Feeling something even when nothing wants to be felt.

Something nice.

I stare through the window up at the night sky, and I smile, cheek compressed against the glass. There’s not a cloud in sight—only endless black stained with starlight.

It’s one of the very few things I love about Ardent—it being one of the smaller towns around the capital. More rural with less light pollution.

I never knew how pretty the stars looked before I was forced here. Just how sharp they twinkle. Little balls of hot gas that so many people wish upon.

But not me—never me.

Wishes are useless. It’s all about survival by any means necessary.

Only… maybe it doesn’t have to be.

Since moving in with Elise, I haven’t had to—I cut the thought off with a shuttering shake of my head. I’m heavy with the buzz swarming my brain. Every limb is tingling, hanging like dead weight from my skeleton, and the vibration of the bass makes my eyes roll back.

I haven’t had to sell my body. I finally finish the one thought I’ve never allowed myself to. I’ve never said it out loud or in my head. Couldn’t, even with the truth so obvious. So pertinent.

But I don’t have to anymore.

Elise has been my safety, and Peris… well.

Peris is my scream. The only part that makes sense among the stagnant chaos.

“Where are we going, Peri?” I ask after a long time, my tongue heavy against the roof of my mouth. I smack my lips, cotton mouth nearly choking me.

He sighs as he reaches over the console and covers my aching fingers still clutching the lighter. “Nowhere, pup.”