Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

BECCA

My stomach is giddy with nerves when a text message comes through on my phone. It's Madden. I'm almost scared to check it. What in the world would he need to talk to me about that couldn't wait until the next time we saw each other?

My fingers are shaking as I unlock the screen and gaze at what he's said.

M: Hey Bec, I met your nephew today. He's a nice kid, but seems like he could use a little guidance, and maybe a male figure? I hope I'm not overstepping, but I'd like to talk to you about helping out. Let me know when you're free.

Immediately, failure washes over me. It's a shame I can't explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it before. I've done everything I can to make life better for Mick, but it seems as if I'm falling short at every turn. I acknowledge most of that is me and my own feelings, but I'm at a loss as to what I can do to help make it better for him.

B: I'm sure he would like that. Do you want to call me?

I don't expect him to answer quickly, but he does.

M: I'd prefer to meet in person if that's okay with you?

Why am I so nervous? It's not as if this is a date, or anything at all like that.

B: We can meet. When would be a good time for you? I'm off for the next couple of days. I know you're SRO, so I figure you're off in the evenings?

M: Yeah, if you can, we can meet at El Maguey. I'm kinda sick of The Café. I eat there way too much. Is that good for you?

B: Yeah, neither Stephanie, nor Mick like anything other than plain food. They wouldn't know seasoning if it jumped on their face and did a dance, unless it's dipped chicken fingers. I'm excited, it's been too long. What time?

M: I can do six tonight, if that's okay?

B: I'll see you there.

M: I'll be out your way. I can pick you up.

Why is this mimicking a date so closely? I don't want to get my hopes up. He just wants to make sure Mick is good, and that's the most important thing in my life right now.

B: Sounds good. See you tonight.

M: See ya, I'll have to verify the apartment number, I just know the complex.

B: It's 1023, I'll be waiting outside if you let me know when you're almost there.

Putting my phone back in my pocket, I continue the long walk down the grocery aisle. One of the hardest things to do for Mick, has been to feed him. He's got a few food aversions and what he likes isn't the cheapest. When it was just me, I could live on ramen, and fried egg sandwiches.

I reach out for the expensive cereal that he likes, and fight with myself for a good minute, on whether or not I should buy it.

"It's not as cheap as it used to be is it?" A voice says behind me.

Turning, I notice Shelby, a local lawyer, who is engaged to another cop, Sullivan. I haven't worked with him much, but I've seen them together, and they are the cutest. "No." I shake my head. "It's not."

"I've been meaning to talk to you, but every time I come in, you're on a call or something. I know it's none of my business," she starts.

This is going to be one of those conversations I'm going to have to smile through. I'll grit my teeth, and tell her thanks for her concern, then go home and have a good cry.

"Has anyone spoken with you about what your rights are as a guardian for your nephew? You will qualify for help, but you need to know what to ask for. The state should be giving you some money every month for his needs. Are they?" Her question is astute and to the point.

I'm so surprised I answer honestly. "Fuck no, no one has said that to me. I basically went to court and that day I went home with him. I was living in a one-bedroom apartment. I had to immediately ask my cousin if we could be roommates, because I couldn't afford a two-bedroom, much less a three-bedroom. She's the real MVP, because she did it without hesitating." I unload on her. "But I'm struggling." Tears pop into my eyes and my throat closes as the emotions get the best of me. "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not his mother, and I never thought this would be happening."

Shelby takes me in her arms, hugging me tightly. "Oh honey, you weren't represented, were you?"

"No." The tears come and they plummet down my face. "I wasn't even given a pamphlet on what to do. I had papers to sign, and those told anyone who asked that I was responsible for him, but I had and still have absolutely no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing."

Shelby curses. "I hate when they do this. There should be support for families, and the courts just don't care. Look, I can't do it today, but can you come by my office tomorrow?"

I pull back, sniffling, brushing the tears from under my eyes. "Yeah, I can. I'll make time whenever you have it. Mick deserves better than what I'm giving him, and I desperately need someone to guide me through this. I'm so afraid that I'm harming more than I'm helping."

"We'll get through this." She assures me. "The women of the LSERT stick together, and I've heard that you and Madden have been spending time together lately."

I sniffle again. "We hang out at work." I defend myself. "But he just asked me if we could meet for dinner tomorrow to talk about Mick. He's the new SRO, and he met Mick today. I hope nothing bad happened, but he said he needed to talk to me, and preferred to do that in a different setting. So I don't really think we can call it a date, but he's coming to pick me up." I shrug, before pushing my hair back from my face. "I'm sure you didn't want to know any of that. Sometimes my mouth just spits everything out when I'm stressed, and I've never been as stressed as I am now."

"It's okay. Life is hard sometimes, and that's why we need friends who know more than we do. You're lucky you have me in your corner."

I don't know what to say, because I've never had someone to offer help like this before, and I've been blindly trying to feel my way through. I'm realizing how much I've been misinformed, and how much help I should've had that no one has given me. The past few months have been so lonely and isolating. I've worried about everything. Sat up on nights counting change, praying that I wouldn't have an emergency, and going over everything about our lives. I've replayed scenarios in my head, I've cried, I've prayed, and I'm ashamed to say I've given up.

Talking to Shelby right now, though? It's a beacon of hope in what has been one of the darkest periods of my life. "I am. Thank you for any help you might give me. What time do you want me to come by your office?"

She pulls her phone out, and scrolls through her calendar. "I have time at one, does that work with your schedule?"

I'm this close to telling her I'll meet her at any time, I don't even care if it's midnight. "That's perfect, I'll be there. Should I bring anything?'

"If you have your guardianship paperwork and his social security card, that would be great."

"I have both, and I'll be there."

She waves at me. "I'll see you then."

I wave back, turning toward the box of cereal I'd replaced on the shelf. Against my better judgment, I grab it back and put it in the buggy. I know I've blown my budget by doing this, but I want him to have all the things he never has before. The things I wanted as a kid and my mom couldn't give to me.

In the end, what is money if you can't enjoy it while you're here on earth?

Stephanie is sitting on my bed, watching me contemplate which shirt I should wear. The minutes are counting down until Madden gets here and I'm terrified I'm not going to be ready when he shows up. "What do you think about this one?"

It's a shirt I haven't worn in almost a year, I was worried it would be tight, but it's a little loose.

"How much weight have you lost?" Steph asks, going to her stomach and bending her knees so that her feet are up around her lower back. "I know you haven't been eating as much as you should, but it's never been as apparent as it is in that shirt."

"Only around twenty pounds." I shrug and since my clothing size had a two in front of it previously, I definitely could afford to lose some.

She rolls her eyes. "There's nothing wrong with you, or what you look like."

"I never said there was." I retort back, as I step into my bathroom and put on a pair of older jeans that used to not fit. Maybe they do now. "Just that I could stand to lose some weight and it wouldn't make that much of a difference. How is this?" I press my palms into my thighs, brushing the material.

"You look hot. You really should be proud of yourself, Bec. I love your hair. It's gotten so much longer, and it suits your face."

I haven't been able to afford to get my hair cut, but I don't want to admit that to Steph. "Thanks." My phone beeps. "He's in the complex. I'm going to go down and meet him. Will you be okay with Mick tonight?"

I've already verified this with her, but I have to again.

"We'll be fine. I grabbed some popcorn, and I'm going to rent the movie on Prime that he's been talking about. We'll have a good time - so you go have a good time." She wags her eyebrows up and down.

"Stop." I giggle, throwing one of the shirts I had tried on previously at her.

Her sing-song voice follows me as I leave the room. "Don't do anything I wouldn't doooo."

"I won't." I grab my purse. "Have fun and be good." I give a finger wave to Mick.

"I will. You have fun too." He doesn't look up from the iPad in his lap, which I've become accustomed to.

When I leave, I shut the door quietly and take a breath. I haven't been out on a date in two years, and now I'm about to go out with one of the hottest men I've ever met. Good Lord, don't fail me now.