Chapter 4

Chapter4

West

“Wake up,” Shane whispers, his fingers trailing along the planes of my stomach. My muscles clench beneath his touch.

“Too early,” I say, my words slurring slightly as I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in the pillow. “Not ready yet.”

Shane laughs. “It’s time to wake up. I think Santa has been here.”

I laugh and turn my head to look at him. “You seem to be in a better mood.”

“I’m done being an asshole and hovering over you. And you’re lucky you’ve been able to live the life you do.”

“Mom told the chef to take the day off. I talked to her about what you said. He’s getting paid to stay home with his family and take care of them. There’s still going to be someone who caters the food, but they’re more than happy to since they don’t celebrate Christmas.”

Shane nods, a slow smile spreading across his face. I sit up and wrap my arm around his shoulders, pulling him to me. His head is on my chest and he’s breathing deeply. My hand is resting on his chest, and I can feel his heart racing.

“Why have you been hovering over me?” I ask.

Shane’s body tenses and his heart continues to race. I move my hand, rubbing it up and down his back to try to soothe him. He takes a deep breath, his eyes closing and his hand resting on my thigh. I continue to drift my hand up and down his back, waiting until he’s ready to speak.

“I keep worrying about you and I don’t know how to stop.”

“I know that,” I say softly, kissing his temple. “But why do you keep worrying? I’m doing good. The pharmacy of fuckery is fully stocked and ready to go.”

I grab the bag filled with prescriptions from my nightstand and toss it into the middle of the bed. The bottles rattle against each other. Shane chuckles and shakes his head.

“Don’t the side effects of all those medications worry you?”

I shrug. “They used to. I used to think I didn’t want to be on a bunch of different medications. There’s no way that putting all that shit into my body is great for me. But then I remembered that they are lifesaving. If I take them, I don’t die. Everything short of death seems like it might not be that bad of a side effect in comparison.”

Shane is quiet for so long that I start to think he fell asleep. I won’t be surprised if he did. He’s been dealing with more than his fair share of things over the last several months. He jumped into a caretaker role and hasn’t stepped back once.

That’s why I want him to relax. I want him to spend time feeling loved and knowing that when he needs me, I’m going to be around to take care of him. I hate feeling like he’s the only one who can take care of the other in our relationship.

Finally, he looks up at me and I can see the tears shining in his eyes. Shane wipes them away quickly and takes a shuddering breath.

“I hate knowing that I could lose you,” he says, his voice wavering as he speaks. “I hate knowing that our time together could be limited because your body is determined to destroy you.”

Tears burn my own eyes as I hug him to me a little tighter. My hand runs up and down his back, trying to soothe him as tears slide down his cheeks. I don’t know what to say in this moment. He’s right. My disease could rear its ugly head and destroy my body at any time. I’m on heavy medications for the rest of my life. I have to watch what I eat and drink. There isn’t a part of my life that my disease won’t factor into.

“You’re right,” I say before tilting his face up and kissing him softly. Shane stares up at me, his eyes watering and his grip on my thigh tightening as he tries to stop the tears.

“That isn’t comforting to hear,” he says, mild amusement in his voice. “You’re supposed to tell me that everything is going to be okay and we’ll figure this out.”

“I’m not going to lie to you. There are days when this is going to be absolute shit. Especially until I’m fully recovered. Then there will be days that are going to feel like shit just because they are shit days.”

“You’re really bad at this being a shoulder to lean on thing,” he says, his tone teasing as he leans closer to me.

I grin and kiss him again. “We are going to have shit days like a normal couple. It’s unavoidable if you plan on being with someone as long as I plan on being with you.”

“Oh?” Shane asks, raising an eyebrow as a smile curves the corner of his mouth. “And how long is that going to be?”

“The day before you die because there is no way in this world that I could survive even a day without you in my life.”

Shane rolls his eyes but his smile widens. “That was incredibly cheesy.”

“It’s cheesy, but it’s true. I wouldn’t have even gotten the transplant without you. What makes you think I would be able to survive on my own?”

He laughs and leans closer to me. “I’m sorry about what I said about your family and your wealth. It’s different from what I’m used to. Your life is completely different.”

“Don’t be sorry. You made me think about some things I’ve never taken much time to think about. I didn’t know to think about those things, honestly. I didn’t think it was important.”

“We’re very different people.”

“We wouldn’t work if we were the same. You’re not exactly the athlete of the year.”

Shane lifts his shirt, patting his stomach. “I get abs like these by eating pizza rolls and then running to try and avoid thinking about everything that my boyfriend has been going through.”

“No more going through things alone,” I say as I sink my fingers into his hair, pulling his face closer to mine. “You and I are in this together now. I’m not sitting on the sidelines anymore.”

Shane smirks and kisses me quickly. “You’re still sitting on the sidelines for a little while longer. There’s no way Coach Veer is going to let you play before the doctor clears you.”

I drink Shane in with my eyes as he gets out of bed and runs a hand through his messy hair, trying to get it to lie flat. My boyfriend is so beautiful. I swear I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have someone like him.

“Alright,” Shane says as he walks to the curtains and pulls them open, revealing the stars still shining in the early morning sky. “What does one wear to a wealthy Christmas morning?”

Grinning, I get out of bed. I pull a shirt from my dresser and slide it on before tying the strings of my pajama bottoms a little tighter.

“This is good enough,” I say, gesturing to my clothing. “Mom and Dad might have a lot of money, but there’s nothing they like more than waking up before the sun on Christmas morning and opening presents while everyone is still in their pajamas.”

Shane nods, biting his bottom lip for a second. “I hope they like what I got them. I know it’s not much.”

I hug him tight, knowing I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing him that the money in my life is nothing compared to him.

“They’re going to love the presents you got them,” I say as I take his hand.

We walk down the stairs holding hands. My dad looks up as we enter the living room and a tight smile appears on his face. I know he’s still struggling with my relationship but he’s trying. Once I made it clear that Shane is going to be in my life whether he likes it or not, he’s kept any opinions he might have to himself.

“Alright,” Dad says as he sits down in his recliner. “Stockings first and then you can move on to your presents.”

Shane and I take a seat on the floor, leaning against the couch where my sister and brother sit. Mom passes out the stockings, smiling like this is the best day of her life even though it’s something we do every year.

As we pull out the candy and toiletries Mom fills the stockings with every year, there is Christmas music playing in the background. The massive tree is shining with warm white lights that glisten off the ornaments. Presents are piled beneath the tree, all of them wrapped in paper that matches Mom’s theme of the year: gingerbread houses.

When I glance over at Shane, he looks overwhelmed by everything. He’s still pulling candy out of his stocking when he catches my eye and gives me a slight smile. I reach over and take him by the hand, giving it a light squeeze.

His eyes are shining, and I know he’s thinking about his mom. Though he doesn’t say much about her, I know he misses her a lot. I can’t imagine how hard the holidays would be without my family around.

“Are you okay?” I whisper as Laurie and Thomas get up to distribute the presents.

Shane looks at the growing pile of presents in front of him and nods. “It’s just hard. This is the first Christmas I’m spending without my mom. I didn’t think it would hurt this much.”

“If you need a minute, we can step away. They would understand.”

“No,” he says, looking around at my family. “This is nice. It’s a little much, but I like being with a family again.”

“Do you want to go see your uncle? We could leave a day or two early and visit him. We could go visit your mom’s grave.”

Shane hesitates for a moment before shaking his head. “No. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”

I grab his hand, linking our fingers together and smoothing my thumb over his knuckles. “That’s fine. Whenever you want to do holidays with them, I’d be happy to go with you.”

“Thank you,” he says, squeezing my hand before looking at the growing stack of presents in front of him. “This is a lot.”

I laugh and shake my head, looking at my own pile of presents. Mom always tends to go overboard with gifts. She loves giving people presents and watching as they open them. She spends weeks doing the Christmas shopping, trying to find the perfect presents for everybody.

Once everybody has their stack in front of them, we all start tearing into the paper. There are shouted thanks passing back and forth as we hold up one present after another, showing them off to each other.

By the time we finally finish opening the presents, Shane is looking overwhelmed. His face is a little pale and he looks like he’s trying to figure out how to run away without upsetting anyone.

“Excuse me,” he says, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

“Is he okay?” Dad asks, his eyebrows pulling together as he stares at where Shane disappeared. “He looked like he was going to be sick.”

“It’s his first Christmas without his mom. Let me go talk to him.”

I get up and take off after my man. When I find him, he’s sitting against a wall, his head between his knees as he takes deep breaths.

He doesn’t look up as I sit down beside him. He keeps his head between his knees, breathing deeply as I rub a hand up and down his back.

“Want to talk about it?” I ask softly, brushing the back of my hand over his cheek. “I don’t know what you’re going through but it might help to talk instead of keeping it bottled up inside.”

Shane lifts his head, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks tear-stained. His eyes are dry, but he looks seconds away from breaking down again.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not,” I say, pulling him into my embrace and holding him tight as sobs shake his body. “You’re not okay but I’m here. We’ll get through this too.”

“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Shane says, pulling away from me and leaning his head back against the wall. “I knew it was going to destroy me but I thought being with your family instead of spending the holiday alone would help.”

“So, what do you want to do?” I ask. “How do you want me to help? Do you even need my help?”

“Help me up and then walk with me back in there. I want to enjoy the rest of the day. Mom would want me to be happy. She would have loved you.”

I stand up and take his hand, pulling him to his feet. Shane smiles and takes a moment to splash some water on his face and dry it before following me back into the living room.

As he settles back down on the floor, talking with Mom, I know he’s going to be alright. This is where he’s meant to be.

With me.