Chapter 3

Chapter3

Shane

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m riding in a sleigh on the largest estate I’ve ever been on. A private sleigh that his family owns. Just because, by chance, there’s enough snow to go on a sleigh ride through the holidays.

They have their own team of horses and a sleigh.

I settle deeper into the blanket, the most uncomfortable I’ve been since I walked into their home.

Everything about their house is lavish and expensive. Everything. They have staff. They don’t make their own coffee. I saw the looks that his family gave me when I poured my own cup this morning. All of them looked at me like I had grown three heads. Like pouring a cup of coffee should have been beneath me.

It made me uneasy. Where I came from, we didn’t have staff to do anything like that. Nobody in my neighborhood had a team of horses waiting on standby for them. There wasn’t a man waiting to drive me around in a damn sleigh.

I know West said he wanted to take care of me while we were here, but this is a little much.

As I look around at the property, all I see are Christmas decorations and lights strung along the hedges and the trees. There are facades of different Christmas villages set up beside a pond that looks big enough to be a small lake.

Though I knew that West came from a wealthy family, I didn’t think they were this wealthy.

“You still look like something is on your mind,” West says as the sleigh rounds the far side of the pond. “What is it?”

I sigh and stare down at the pattern on the blanket. I don’t know how to say what I’m thinking without upsetting him. The last thing I want to do is upset him when he is going to such lengths to include me in his family’s Christmas.

“I don’t think it’s important. I just have some stuff I’m thinking about.”

West wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I lean into his embrace. My stomach is twisting and turning as I keep my thoughts to myself. It’s just a lifestyle adjustment. I don’t think it’s worth making a big deal out of.

“Shane, I want you to feel comfortable telling me things. I know over the last few months I’ve relied on you a lot and you’ve been keeping it together. If we’re going to keep going with this relationship, I want to be someone you lean on. Stop treating me like an invalid and start treating me like a partner.”

I cross my legs beneath the blanket and stare out at the lake. There’s no ice — the weather is still too warm for that.

West withdraws his arm as I keep my mouth shut. I know I can lean on him but voicing how uncomfortable I am in his home is going to make him feel worse. He did all of this for me. I don’t want to be ungrateful.

“It’s nothing,” I say, looking over at him only to see his frown. “Nothing important anyway. Why don’t we just sit back and enjoy the rest of the sleigh ride together?”

He crosses his arms and shuffles a little to his right, putting more distance between us. Even though it’s only a few inches, it feels as if an entire chasm is opening.

“I’m new to this,” West says softly, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. “Entirely new to this, but I know I want to make it work. But since we got here yesterday, you’ve been standoffish, and you won’t tell me why.”

“It’s not worth talking about.”

West turns to me, taking my hand and lacing his fingers through mine. He squeezes my hand, his expression softening. “If it’s bothering you, Shane, it’s worth talking about.”

I sigh and squeeze his hand back. “This place is a little bit much. All of you looked at me like I had three heads when I poured my own coffee. There was a man who carried our bags to your room last night. You have a sleigh drawn by horses and all of this seems normal to you.”

West’s lips purse. Hurt flashes across his face before he nods. “I understand. Everything was easier back when we were on campus.”

“It was,” I say, hating the lump that catches in my throat. “We were living in a bubble then. Now, I’m here and I don’t fit in your lifestyle at all.”

“I promise that tonight and tomorrow will be more lowkey. We’ll spend tonight watching movies and then tomorrow it’s just opening presents while the chef prepares a turkey.”

“Your chef works tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” West shrugs like it’s no big deal. “He just goes home and sees his family later. They do presents and such at night I think.”

“You think? You don’t know? He has to put his holidays on hold to come cook for you and your family even though all of you are capable of putting a bird in the oven.”

West’s face sours as he looks at me. “Where is this coming from?”

“I appreciate you bringing me here and trying to spoil me, I do, but this lifestyle is ridiculous. You don’t even see the problem with pulling a man away from his family during the holidays so he can wait on yours.”

The sleigh pulls into the stable and West is quick to get out. He helps me down before putting distance between us. His hands are stuffed deep in his pockets as he paces back and forth. I lean against the wall, my arms crossed over my chest.

“You’ve never had to think about anyone other than yourself, have you?”

West’s head snaps in my direction, his glare icy as he moves, standing only a few inches from me. “How the hell can you say that when I’ve spent every moment since you told me you were donating part of your liver worrying about you?”

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “West, you don’t need to worry about me.”

“I don’t see why you’re so fucking hell-bent on not letting anyone take care of you,” West says. “I would have thought that after all the time you’ve spent alone, you would have a good time coming to see my family. I thought this was something you would enjoy but it seems like it just pisses you off.”

“It doesn’t piss me off,” I say. My heart is hammering in my chest. I don’t know how to explain everything I’m feeling… which is ironic since my minor is literature, so I should at least be able to come up with a few words to articulate my thoughts eloquently.

The walls are closing in around me and it feels like I can’t breathe. I don’t need anybody to take care of me. I took care of my mom. I took care of West. I take care of myself. It’s what I do. It’s always what I’ve done.

I can’t remember the last time I let someone take care of me.

“West, I’m fine taking care of myself.”

“Shane, you’re the most broken person I know. I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit, but you’re the one who closes yourself off from the world and calls yourself fine.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I am fine.”

“Stop needing to control everything. Stop running around forcing yourself to give everything you have to people until you have nothing left for yourself.”

“There’s plenty left for myself.”

“You’re pouring from an empty fucking glass and dying because of it.” West shakes his head and glances at the time on his watch. “We need to go get changed in the matching onesies Mom makes us wear for the movies.”

I sigh, nothing else to say, and follow him.

This discussion feels like it’s far from over.

* * *

“I look ridiculous,”I say, grinning at my reflection in the mirror. I’m wearing a reindeer onesie and Laurie is painting my nose red.

“We all look ridiculous,” West says, parading out of the bathroom in his onesie, his nose already red. “Mom is going to love this.”

West, his siblings, and I all walk downstairs to find his parents pouring drinks and dressed in their onesies. Boxes of different kinds of pizza are scattered across the kitchen island.

“Are you alright?” West asks as he eyes me. I can still feel the tension in the air from earlier, but I’m trying to push it to the side.

The house looks normal. The staff has been dismissed for the evening and the chef is gone. Paper plates are stacked beside the pizza and bottles of alcohol and soda line another counter.

It looks like a normal family home.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” I say, feeling more at ease than I have since we arrived. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

West purses his lips, still staring at me. “Are you though?”

“I don’t want to fight tonight. Can we just enjoy a good time with your family?”

“Yes. You and I need to talk about this later though. I want you in my life, Shane. Hell, I’m sure you’re the love of my life.”

With that admission, he walks away, and I’m left spinning. Out of all the things he could have said to me, I wasn’t expecting to be told I’m the love of his life.

Laurie smiles as she bumps my hip and hands me a red cup filled with soda. I watch as West eyes the drinks and my chest starts to constrict. I wish he was able to enjoy the holidays like a normal person. He can’t drink, even if he wants to. Despite having his new liver, Dr. Sullivan advised against doing anything that might harm it, especially this early into his recovery from the transplant.

“He’s going to be okay,” Laurie whispers before sipping her drink. “I know you’ve taken on the brunt of caring for him for a long time, but it’s time for you to back off and let the rest of us take a turn.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I say, my voice hollow as everyone piles slices of pizza on their plates. “It feels like the second I start to relax, he’s going to get sick again and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“Your mom passed, right? You spent the last few months of her life sitting beside her and worrying, didn’t you?”

I nod, feeling slightly numb at the mention of my mother. “Yeah.”

“West isn’t dying. You’ve already done your waiting. Now it’s time to start living together. Be a normal couple. Have fun and lose yourself in love.”

“You don’t know that he’s out of the woods yet,” I say, thinking about all the ways his body could decide to destroy his liver again.

Even though the medication is working, and the liver didn’t get rejected, I still live in fear most days of what could happen.

Laurie wraps an arm around my waist and hugs me. “You’re going to get through the fear. You’ve had a lot of loss in your life. It’s understandable to be worried, but you have to have faith that everything is going to be fine.”

As I watch West head to the theater with the rest of his family, I nod. Laurie is right. It’s time to let go of my fear and start living.