22. Olivia

Chapter twenty-two

Olivia

I t’s been two weeks since the dinner at Victor’s house and I haven’t been back since. I wanted to begin planting flowers and bringing color to the landscape, but he remembered he was going on a ride with The Outsiders that day. He invited me to come along, but the thought of being on a motorcycle exposed to anyone made me too anxious.

We’ve talked almost every day, and he still texts me every morning and night. He hasn’t asked me if I’ve done research. I have. Victor hasn’t asked me if it’s something I’m interested in. I am. He’s allowing everything to go at my pace and there’s a part of me that wishes he wouldn’t.

The sexual part of the Dominant/submissive lifestyle is what scares me. Part of that lifestyle is bondage, and I don’t know if I would survive that. What if I have a panic attack in the middle? After talking to Victor, it made me realize Donovan was probably a sadist as well. Although he didn’t inflict pain often, when he did, I felt it for days, sometimes weeks after. He never left marks, though. I rub my thumb along the scar on my collarbone, well not all the time.

Glancing at the time, I sigh in relief that it’s almost five o’clock. As I shut down my computer, Caroline stops in my office with a small smile. I stand, greeting her with a smile in return.

“Hey Care.” She has that pregnancy glow about her and she has a slight baby bump, but it’s only noticeable in certain outfits.

“Hey. Are you busy tomorrow?” she asks. Thinking about Victor, I wish I could say yes, but shake my head no. Turning the light off in my office, we walk toward the elevator. “Do you want to go shopping with me, Bailey, and Bec?”

Bailey is her sister, and it seems she and Bec have become fast friends. “Sure. I’ve actually wanted to get some new dresses.”

Caroline smiles at me as she pushes the button. “Great! We were going to go to the new breakfast place, then go to the mall.”

Clearing my throat, I clutch my purse tightly. The new breakfast place is outside. My scalp prickles as I clear my throat again.

“Okay, yeah.” Everything will be okay. “Just text me what time and I’ll be there.” The elevator stops at the lobby and for a moment, I’m confused.

“Sebastian is picking me up. He brought me to work, so I’m meeting him out front.”

My stomach clenches as I step out with her. She tilts her head at me and I point to James. “I figured I’d say hi to James real quick.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll text you.”

We say bye and she walks outside into Bass’ waiting arms. Envy hits me in the chest. Huffing, I roll my eyes at myself. I’m happy she’s happy.

James greets me. “Hey Liv.”

Turning to him, I smile. “Hi, how are you?”

He’s already standing behind the security desk, then comes toward me. “I’m doing good. Want me to walk you to your car?” The tension in my muscles relaxes as I give him a small nod. He guides me back to the elevator and we head down to the parking garage. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Looking down at the ground as we walk, I want to tell him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. A knot forms in my throat. I do feel ashamed. Ashamed I’m envious of one of my best friends. That I can’t walk to my car on my own and live in fear every day of my life.

James must notice the mood I’m in because he doesn’t try to make small talk. He walks me to my car and watches me drive away. Pulling out into traffic, I begin my ritual of looking in every direction. My phone buzzes as I pull into my driveway, ignoring it, and hurriedly get to my front door and let myself into the house.

After disarming the alarm, I lean against the door and let out a long exhale. I need a vacation from my life.

I sit with my back to the stone wall of the building and make sure there’s room for me to run if needed. My car can be seen from here. The pepper spray in my purse is easy to get to, and my keys are on a ring around my wrist. Bec is sitting next to me. Her back is to the wall as well, but enough room for both of us to run if needed. Looking at her out of the corner of my eye, I wonder where she learned to be on guard. Did something happen to her?

Bec takes a sip from her coffee. “I haven’t seen you at the gym in a while.”

I sit back and think. Has it been that long? “It’s been busy lately. I guess it has been a couple of weeks. I didn’t realize.”

She chuckles. “It happens. I have missed seeing you around, though.”

Sighing, I press my lips together, not sure what to say. It’s not easy for me to step out of my comfort zone and while I’m nice to Bec, I’ve never taken the time to get to know her. Before I’m able to respond, a quiet falls over the crowd and the hairs on my neck stand on end.

Bec seems to feel it too because we both sit up and glance around at the same time, but it’s not quiet. People are still chatting and laughing. Everyone seems to be completely oblivious except Bec and I. We exchange a look. I almost stand, but she puts her hand on top of mine.

“Don’t.”

At that moment, Caroline and Bailey come out of the coffee shop and sit down across from us. They seem oblivious as well as they chat and laugh.

“Sorry it took us so long. The coffee Caroline originally got made her nauseous, so we had to get another one,” Bailey explains. When Bec and I don’t reply right away, they both look at us in concern.

“Everything alright?” Caroline asks.

I swallow and try to calm my racing heart. He’s here. I know he’s here, but I don’t want to look around. I don’t want to see him.

“Yeah,” Bec answers. “So the nausea hasn’t passed yet?”

I take a sip of my coffee to wet my parched mouth and finally look around, trying to see if there’s anything out of the ordinary. Bec carries on a conversation with Bailey and Caroline, seemingly having moved on from the feeling we both just experienced.

How was she able to let it go so quickly? I can’t get past the feeling that someone is still watching me. If he’s found me, what will I do?

Caroline, Bailey, and Bec are talking, but I’m not paying attention. The knot in my stomach keeps twisting and twisting. I’m going to be sick. I’m going to be sick right here in front of them and they’re going to know something is wrong with me. Everyone is going to find out what a fraud I am. How I’m falling apart on the inside.

Suddenly, Bec stands and knocks the table, making her coffee spill. “Oh, shit.” She grabs the cup as Caroline and Bailey stand. “Sorry,” Bec mumbles as she grabs some napkins and begins wiping up the mess. Standing quickly and looking around to double check my surroundings before running inside to get something to help clean up the mess.

When I return with a towel, Bec grabs it. She winks at me before turning around and wiping down the table. My mouth falls open. She did that on purpose. She saw me getting upset, so she made a scene to help distract and bring me out of it. I’m speechless. Should I say something? I’ve always been really good at hiding that part of myself.

Neither Ansley nor Caroline have seen it except that one time when Ansley walked into the bathroom at work. Deciding at that moment to get to know Bec better, since she seems like a kindred soul. She has no idea how much I appreciate what she just did for me. I’ll pay her back in some way.