20.Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Hank

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In.

Out.

Honestly, I don’t pay much attention to the ceremony because I’m too busy ignoring all the people who are trying not to crane their necks and stare at us where we sit in the back. Every time I accidentally make eye contact with someone, my anxiety shoots up higher, leaving my body tense and my chest tight.

I don’t know why I thought I could handle this. There are more people in this hotel ballroom than I’ve ever seen in Laketown at once outside of the county fair, which I avoided even when Shelby was alive. If the sight of my neighbors is enough to make me pass out, it’s a miracle I’m still breathing right now.

Partway through the ceremony, Bonnie takes my hand and squeezes it. “You okay?” she whispers, leaning in close.

I spent the night breathing in her sweet scent and talking myself into thinking I could have this. Could have her. This morning, I drank in every second she sat next to me and made little comments about the scripts she was reading. Up until half an hour ago, when we stepped into the ballroom and a couple hundred people stared at us until the ceremony began, I thought maybe I was ready to open my heart again.

If I can’t sit in a friend’s wedding without panicking, how am I supposed to be a part of a celebrity’s life? This attention is far from atypical when it comes to Bonnie’s everyday life.

She squeezes again. “My friend Liam has been talking about proposing to his girlfriend for the last four months and keeps chickening out, so I get the feeling it’s going to be a long time before I go to another wedding. This is nice.”

I shift closer, grateful for the distraction. “I met Liam when I talked to Kasey about the screenplay. He seems…like a lot.” That, plus the dozen texts he has sent over the last few days, none of which I’ve responded to, and I have little faith in the two of us becoming close. I don’t know if I have that kind of patience.

Bonnie snickers loud enough that it pulls a few gazes our way, though she doesn’t seem to notice. “Liam is a lot. But he’s one of the best people I know, and if you’re around him long enough, he’s impossible not to love.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” Right now, I can’t imagine being around anyone . Except her. She’s never too much.

I don’t know how she’s been the first person I’ve met since Shelby’s death who didn’t make me nervous, but I’ve enjoyed her company since the day we ran into each other. Not as much the circumstances that come with her, but Bonnie herself?

I wrap my arm around her shoulders and kiss her forehead at the same time Houston kisses his new wife. The applause of the wedding guests feels like a cheer for me, for being brave enough to do more than hold Bonnie’s hand. I haven’t forgotten Fran’s instruction to fully kiss Bonnie at some point this weekend, but I don’t want Bonnie to think I’m only kissing her because I’ve been told to.

At some point, I need to open my stupid mouth and tell her that I am starting to have real feelings for her. She deserves to know, even if our relationship never goes anywhere.

Before I can even think about working up the courage to mention something now, while the wedding party is outside taking photos before the reception begins, Bonnie gets swarmed.

It starts with a bunch of big and burly men that I assume are Houston’s old baseball teammates. Eli and a couple more men who must be extra security start wrangling the crowd into a semi-controlled line, but it’s Bonnie who holds my focus. She greets many of the players by name, giving them hugs and asking how the spring training has been. As it so often is, her smile is wide and warm, and even when she doesn’t know a person’s name, she’s just as friendly as she is with those she does know.

I may not love how easily I’m forgotten as she greets her fans, but I can’t help but stand and watch in fascination as Bonnie Aiken proves why she deserves a place among the greats. I pull out my phone and start recording. I imagine this could be a great side of Bonnie to show the world. I’ll send it to Trevor so he can forward it to Fran (who will never have my phone number if I can manage it).

But even as I film, there’s a part of me that hates how quickly I’ve fallen into the idea that someone always is and always should be watching. If Bonnie wasn’t so concerned about her public image right now, I would let her enjoy this moment in peace instead of making it possible for her friendliness to be broadcasted if Fran decides that it might help. I only end up taking a few short videos before I find a seat out of the way to watch Bonnie make her way through the line of fans.

It’s maybe twenty minutes later—the longest twenty minutes I’ve endured in a long time—when I notice the change. It’s so subtle that not even Eli seems to have caught it, but Bonnie’s shoulders grow tense. Her smile turns forced. There’s an anxiety in her eyes that wasn’t there a moment ago, and I don’t think it has anything to do with the woman she’s currently talking to.

It’s a look I know well, and I scramble to my feet and make my way to her side, tucking my arm around her waist and leaning in close. “Bonnie,” I say, just loud enough for the nearest people to hear, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to whisk you away.”

Though the people in line groan, Bonnie relaxes into me. “Already?” she says as she turns her gaze to meet mine. There’s a sort of pleading in her eyes that’s easy to understand. Under no circumstances am I allowed to let her argue that she should get through the whole line.

I never would have guessed it, but Bonnie has a social threshold.

Though I’m no actor, I try to make myself look chagrined by imagining the way I used to have to tell Shelby to stop painting and go to bed. A pang of sadness hits me in the gut, but I ignore it. For once, Bonnie needs me . “I know you want to stay and talk to everyone, but you have that…” Why does my brain suddenly go blank?

Panic crosses Bonnie’s face before she fixes her smile and pats my cheek. “Right! I almost forgot about the call. Thank you, darling.”

A few women in the crowd aww over the epithet, nearly sparking a wave of anxiety in me. I was doing pretty well, but now the attention is on me .

Swallowing, I shift my position so Bonnie and I are facing each other rather than side to side. I’m hoping it’ll be easier if I don’t see the crowd. “How do you do it?” I murmur, though this is hardly the time for a conversation like this. “How do you handle so much notice when you don’t love the attention?”

While she may have been giving me all the signals of needing an escape, she still seems surprised by my question, her eyebrows pulling low as she stares at me with her blue-green eyes. Pink touches her cheeks but, beyond that, her freckles are in full view today. I can’t stop myself from tracing their path with the tip of my finger.

Bonnie’s lips part as she exhales. “How do you see me?” she whispers back. It’s not an answer to my question, but I can be patient. Maybe something in her technique can help me so I’m less terrified of the possibility of this becoming my life.

I smile. “It’s impossible not to see you, Bonnie.”

“Can we go?”

I nod and slip my hand into hers, hyper aware of every point of contact in my fingers. Her hand is cool in mine, her grip tight, and I don’t think anything in the world could get me to let go right now. The only reason I look away from her is to make eye contact with Eli, who nods and starts leading the way out a side door while the other two guards keep the disappointed crowd at bay.

Bonnie fixes on a smile and waves behind her as we follow Eli’s hulking figure. “I’m so sorry I can’t stay and meet you all!” she calls back.

“They’re going to be at the reception,” I remind her.

“I know, but…” Biting the corner of her lip, she gives me a blushing smile. “Is it bad that I would rather spend the evening with you instead of greeting fans?”

A strange sense of triumph runs through me, and I can’t stop my grin. “Not bad at all. You can take a break now and then, you know.”

As Eli leads us down a brightly lit corridor and into a similar lounge to the one I was in last night with the guys, Bonnie heads straight for a sofa and sinks into it with a heavy sigh, pulling me down with her. We end up pressed against each other, which I don’t mind in the slightest. The bodyguard takes up his post by the door, trying to stay far enough away to give us some privacy but too close to not overhear anything we might say.

Looks like my confessions will have to wait. Eli seems like a cool guy, if quiet, but I don’t especially want him to hear me fumble through what I want to say to Bonnie.

“I don’t remember the last time I actually had a break,” Bonnie says once she gets settled. I can’t imagine her dress is very comfortable, flattering as it is, but we won’t have long before the dinner and reception begin out in the gardens behind the hotel, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to change.

Not that I want her to change. She is truly breathtaking, and my eyes keep straying to the smooth skin left bare by the silky fabric. It’s been a long time since I felt any sort of attraction like this, and every time I look at the plunging neckline that ends at a point just below her sternum, I feel like a teenage boy full of raging hormones. It’s a bad combination with my growing interest in Bonnie as a person, and now that we’re alone…

My heart starts pounding in my chest, leaving me feeling restless. Unsettled. Nervous .

Swallowing, I glance at Eli before turning my attention to Bonnie’s hand clasped in mine. “You don’t get breaks in between movies?” Maybe, if I focus on the conversation, I can stop thinking about how much I want to kiss Bonnie before the night is over.

Bonnie shrugs and rests her head on my shoulder. “I mean, I get breaks from filming. But from performing? Acting? It’s pretty much nonstop unless I want to stay at home.”

“Which you don’t,” I guess, though she’s never said as much.

She nods. “Honestly, I’m almost never at my apartment. I tend to stick with whomever I’m dating at the time, and if I’m not with my boyfriend, I’m with one of my friends. I had a room at Derek’s almost six months before Fran decided we should become a couple. ”

As far as I can tell, Derek is a good guy, but I still get a bad taste in my mouth every time I think about him. I’ll likely end up meeting him tomorrow when Bonnie and I get to Los Angeles, and I’ll be better able to get a read on his relationship with Bonnie. Eighteen months is a long time to be in a fake relationship, so I would be shocked if Derek didn’t fall at least a little bit in love with Bonnie.

As long as those feelings are buried and dead, I can rest easy knowing Bonnie only thinks of him as a dear friend.

I rest my cheek on her head and start running my thumb along hers. “A couple of weeks ago, I would have wholeheartedly disagreed with you and said being alone is the best way to live.”

Her grip tightens. “And now?”

Now I wish we had gone up to one of our suites instead of hanging out down here. “I’m starting to warm up to the idea of having someone else around,” I say quietly. “You, in particular.”

Her breath hitches. “Hank McAllister, are you saying I’ve cured you of your agoraphobia?”

I chuckle, remember how certain the set nurse, Boyd, was that I was suffering from more than social anxiety. “I think you have, Bonnie Aiken.” But what I really want to say is I’m falling in love with you so quickly that I don’t think there’s any stopping it .

After losing Shelby, I didn’t think I would ever be able to open my heart again. And while it’s still terrifying to risk the pain of loss again, Bonnie has to be worth that risk. Everything I know about her, little though it may be, tells me that the chance to love her is a chance to experience something close to heaven.

I’m just about to throw away all my inhibitions and tell her everything, even with Eli here, when the door opens. Eli shifts to block whoever is on the other side, but the woman quickly realizes the room isn’t empty and stops in her tracks .

“Oops! Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be in here.” With her blonde curls and bridesmaid dress, she’s clearly Darcy’s sister, though I can’t remember her name. She takes a step back to leave, but then her eyes catch on Bonnie and go wide. “Oh! Now I’m extra sorry for interrupting. I saw the way everyone crowded around you when the ceremony ended. Don’t let me bother you.”

“Wait!” Bonnie nods at Eli, who steps aside. “You can come in if you need a breather. It’s Carissa, right?”

Carissa grins. “You remember me from last night?” She glances at Eli and gives him a wide berth as she slips into the room, sitting in a chair across from our couch. “I hope we didn’t scare you off.”

Bonnie shakes her head, though she’s still resting it on my shoulder so the movement is limited. “I was just tired.” Though she fell asleep fairly quickly, she left the bachelorette party early to hang out with me . “Did I miss anything good?”

Carissa shakes her head, loose curls bouncing. “Not really. Hope fell asleep about twenty minutes after you left, and Darcy wanted to get good sleep before today, so it was mostly just Brooklyn and me, and she’s not especially chatty. It’s okay, though. It was still fun to be around Houston’s family, and I’ve never had a chance to have a spa experience like that. I figured I would take advantage of Houston paying for it, you know?”

Houston’s twin might not be chatty, but Carissa clearly is. Bonnie’s body language is still relaxed, so I don’t think she minds, but I’m ready to find her a new hiding place if I need to.

“Are you from St. Louis, like Darcy?” Bonnie asks.

Carissa does another wild shake of her head. “No, we actually grew up in Philadelphia. I thought about finding a job in Missouri so I could see my sister more, but that was before I met…” She bites the insides of her lips, red coloring her face. I wonder what that’s about. “Anyway, I’m gl ad Darcy and Houston are finally tying the knot. They’ve been dating forever .”

I frown. “It’s only been a year and a half.”

She shrugs. “Okay, so maybe that’s not forever, but Houston has been talking about marriage pretty much since they started dating, so I don’t know why they dragged it out this long. He knew what he wanted, and my sister isn’t one to waste time on something that isn’t going to pan out.”

Bonnie goes tense, and though I can feel her trying to relax beside me, she’s clearly not managing it well. “I don’t know if I would say dating is a waste of time,” she says. Her words are quiet and breathy, though I don’t think it’s enough of a change that Carissa notices. I notice, and I can’t help but wonder what’s going through her head. Who is she thinking about?

Carissa purses her lips and looks down at the phone she pulls out of her purse. “If you know, you know. You know?”

“Yeah,” I say at the same time Bonnie says, “No.”

She lifts her head and looks at me, and I get hit with a sudden realization. Bonnie has never been in love. She has no idea how something like this feels. What if… I barely let myself entertain the thought. What if she’s falling for me and doesn’t know it? I hate how much hope that gives me, but I’m going to cling to it as long as I can.

“Was that how it was for you and…” She stops herself, glancing at Carissa.

Thankfully, Carissa seems too interested in whatever she’s typing to have heard Bonnie’s question.

I smile, though there’s nothing happy about the expression. Bonnie always seems to bring up my wife in our most intimate moments. I don’t want to talk about Shelby. Not when I’m realizing I’m going to have to make the first move if I ever want something to happen with Bonnie. It’ll take courage I haven’t felt in a long time to tell her how I feel about her, but I can’t afford to waffle any more. If I do, I’ll lose her. “It was almost instantaneous with Shelby,” I say, keeping my voice low. I will answer Bonnie’s questions, but eventually she’ll need to know that my thoughts are on her.

Not on Shelby.

“How did you meet?” Bonnie asks.

“At a frat party.”

She snorts. “You? At a frat party?”

“Technically, I was out on the back porch avoiding the frat party.”

“That makes more sense. I bet Shelby took one look at you and knew you weren’t like the guys inside.”

My smile feels more natural now as I think about how young I was. How naive. That day was so long ago. “I was trying to do the assigned reading for one of my classes, and she decided she needed to join in, and…” I shrug. “I don’t know. The world didn’t look the same after that. I found her on campus the next day and carried her books for her.”

“You did not .”

I chuckle. “I did. Being raised by my grandmother instilled a bit of old-fashioned chivalry in me. Shelby thought it was the sweetest gesture anyone had ever done for her and ended up ditching class so we could hide in the trees and…” And maybe I shouldn’t finish that sentence.

Bonnie’s grin turns wicked. “Did you make out in the bushes, Hank? Was that your first kiss with Shelby?”

I shake my head, knowing she’ll have a hard time believing me. I haven’t exactly been Casanova. But once I know I want something, I’m not afraid to go for it. At least, I used to be that way. Maybe I can be that way again. I let my gaze drift to Bonnie’s mouth, wondering how it would feel to kiss her, as I mutter, “No, that was the second.”

She gasps. “You kissed the night you met?”

“Yeah. ”

“Oh.” She seems to wilt for a second, but then she smiles her actor smile and turns to Carissa. Is she…jealous? I probably shouldn’t consider that a triumph, but I do. “Carissa, I hear you’ve got a man back home.”

Carissa’s head snaps up at the same time she stuffs her phone behind her, as if we might try to see whatever she was doing. “What? Oh. Not really. We’re just…it’s not really a thing.”

Her crimson blush says otherwise. She’s a grown woman—I’d guess she’s somewhere in her mid-twenties—so I have no idea why she would think she needs to hide a relationship. My writer brain starts filling in the blanks with all the wrong things, but Carissa doesn’t seem like the type of person to be in a relationship with a married man or a convict on the run. Granted, I know nothing about her, and I know next to nothing about her sister, but I do know Chad.

And I highly doubt Chad would let his brother marry into a family without doing a thorough check on all of them.

I need to not let my imagination get away from me, so I make a show of checking my watch. “Dinner should be starting soon, shouldn’t it?”

“They were almost done with pictures when I left,” Carissa confirms. She seems wildly grateful for a change in topic, relaxing in her seat again. “Darcy added the two of you to the family table, by the way, so you’re not going to have to worry about crazy fans trying to talk to you while you eat. Just me.” She throws on a sheepish smile that makes her more endearing than she has been so far.

Bonnie sits up straight, putting distance between us that I don’t want. “I’ll have to make sure we thank her. She really didn’t need to do that.”

Eli coughs over by the door but says nothing.

Carissa glances behind her, eyeing the big bodyguard. “Does it ever get tiring, having to have someone around for protection all the time? I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have people constantly pay attention to you. Is it totally exhausting? ”

Bonnie laughs. “Yeah, but it’s not as bad when you have the right people with you. People who see the real you.”

When her head slips onto my shoulder again, my heart resumes its racing from before, pounding so wildly that I’m sure Bonnie can hear it. I know what I want. But am I brave enough to go for it? If I’m not, this thing between us is going to end.

Carissa hops to her feet, a little smirk on her face as she studies us for a moment. “For what it’s worth, you two seem to be the right people for each other. I don’t buy into tabloid stuff, but from what I’ve seen of you guys, you make a really great couple. I hope it works out.”

Me too, Carissa. Me too.