Chapter Thirty

L ady Eleanor, Duchess of Smythington

"What I am about to tell you isn't pleasant for me, and I can well imagine it won't be pleasant for you to hear." I leaned back in my chair and traced a fingertip down the string of my violin. The instrument was a part of me, and I'd kept it close by since my grandmother gifted it to me. "When my father turned down your offer in lieu of Rex's, a part of me was relieved."

He winced as if I had slapped him. "I could have gone a lifetime without knowing that."

"Please hear me out." The words came out in a rush, shame underlying every syllable. "The truth is, the passion I felt for you scared me. It still does. When you held me in your arms—and even now when you hold me in your arms— desire overcomes my common sense."

"But desire and love are two different things." His words dripped with bittersweet honesty. "I knew there was a connection between the two of you that wasn't there between us. Just because Rex loved you didn't mean I loved you any less. Except you loved him a bit more than me."

"I can't believe I'm admitting this, but when I kiss Rex, I feel warm throughout my entire body. When I kissed you, I felt warmth in one place, well, three places if you want to be technical." Speaking to Flynn had always come easy to me. It was the other feelings he evoked that flustered me and made me forget the strict words my father pounded into my head from a young age. "You brought out my passions and my need to defy societal norms. You were an earl with a title as prestigious as a duke, but your overt masculinity scared me."

His mortified stare met mine. Although he was brash at times, his bravado hid a sensitive soul. "I never wanted to scare you. I thought you enjoyed my kisses and my touch. That night in the fountain—"

"—was a mistake." The admission burned my cheeks, the words coming out in a rush. We deceived two people that night, Rex and Mary. "You were courting my best friend, and I betrayed her for my own desires. That is what I meant when I said I was afraid of you. Not in the physical sense. You challenged my resolve to always be a proper lady. It was magical and had you pressed the issue, I would have given myself to you."

"We had a very ardent connection. Passion isn't always enough."

"Very true. Once my father discovered our outing, he accused me of being a loose woman." My heart beat unaccountably fast, and I wanted to erase what happened later that night from my memory. I couldn't because I bore the scars both inside and out. "You asked me how I received the scars on my thigh."

"You said you were thrown from your horse." Fury blazed in his eyes, and mortification rushed through me as the truth hit him. "You weren't, were you?"

I fought the tears threatening to fall. "It was by my father's hand. He often raised the whip to..." My voice caught on a sob; the horror from that night would forever haunt me.

He reached over and clasped my hand, compassion cutting through his temper on my behalf. "You needn't continue."

"I must." I inhaled a calming breath. "My father believed in corporal punishment for all of us, including my mother." Wetness cooled my warm cheeks. It felt like all I had done of late was cry. "He was furious with me, and after whipping me with a riding crop until I could no longer stand, he told me I had to marry Rex."

Flynn clenched and unclenched his fists, rage hovering just shy of the surface. "If he weren't dead, I would beat him within an inch of his miserable life." Outrage sparked his eyes, every muscle tense. "No wonder you didn't tell Rex."

"I didn't tell Rex about the proposal because I was ashamed of my behavior." I shifted in my seat, glad I had gotten the words out. "I told him about the beatings because I wasn't about to let my own children go through what I had."

"Your father was a prig and treated you horribly."

"My father aside, something raw and elemental about our connection made me want to buck propriety and give myself to you."

"I am as hurt by your confession as I am flattered." He huffed out a laugh. "Setting aside my pride, I must agree. I was a bit wild at the time, a rake, truth be told. I followed through with my desires for any woman who caught my eye. It wasn't until I had to face up to my responsibility to the earldom that I married Mary. She was a good wife."

"And a good friend. She would have been devastated if she learned the truth." Guilt over the entire incident still haunted me. "As would Olivia. I feel like I couldn't survive without you in my life."

"We are bound together by family and a shared past."

"I must admit, when Olivia told me she was having reservations and might call off the engagement, I was very relieved." Yet another shameful thing I had done. What a selfish woman I was, betraying my friends for my own agenda. "You are as much of a part of my life as my husband and family. For so many years, we carried a friendship that I hold invaluable."

"While I value our friendship, I want more than that. I'm still in love with you, Eleanor, and I love Rex more than I've ever loved anyone in my life."

Searching Flynn's direct gaze, I wondered if he was truly in love with us or the idea of us. I had been asking myself the same question since our affair began. Rex and I were flawed, but we loved each other, and we loved Flynn. It was time to lay out my heart and try to heal from past hurts.

"The two days we spent together at the Stratham were the most memorable in recent years. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I understand the reason why you only wanted a limited time, and I respect that."

I glanced down before lifting my eyes again. "I don't want to lose out on what we had. I've been furious with Rex over what happened. As we've been sitting here talking, though, I've realized that life is too short for me to focus on something in the past that I cannot change. I want to go back to the conservatory, but I want to go back aboveboard."

"I wasn't doing a favor to you as much as I was doing a favor to the world." Earnest eyes met mine. "You are extremely talented. I know you don't believe me. I also know you think I'm trying to placate you. There is a consensus among the board members that you are by far the most gifted musician in the recent history of the conservatory."

My cheeks warmed at his flattery. Being labeled gifted by people who excelled in music themselves was a great honor. "That is high praise indeed. For the future, can we agree that a request for you not to interfere is not a license for you and Rex to overturn my decision simply because you feel the need to?"

"If you want to put the blame on someone, blame me. I am a bad influence on him. It was my idea to tell the board who you are. Rex wanted to make you happy." He cast me a pleading grin.

After my conversation with Olivia, my anger over the conservatory was slowly fading. I could take the opportunity given to me and help others. Yet that wasn't the only issue with my marriage. "He is still furious with me over the proposal."

"It is a simple misunderstanding. You may have had doubts twenty-plus years ago, however, I can say with complete confidence that you were in love with Rex. I was simply a distraction."

"Mary once told me you spoke about Rex non-stop when the two of you were alone." He exhaled a long breath and closed his eyes briefly before lifting his dark lashes once more. "She had no idea that I was secretly infatuated with you at the time. In the end, you chose Rex because he was the right man for you. We both know it."

"I do love him." I caressed Flynn's jaw, lowering my violin and pulling him in for a kiss. Our lips touched for a brief moment, the connection bittersweet. "I love you too."

The second our mouths connected, desire sparked my blood. He splayed his hand, bringing it to the nape of my neck. While I wasn't sure if our unusual arrangement would work, I wasn't averse to trying. The decision wasn't mine alone to make, though. I pulled back and gazed deep into his eyes. "We'll need to discuss this with Rex first. If he says yes, then I am on board. I miss your kisses, and I miss the way you reduce my inhibitions."

He kissed me once more, our lips dancing in a seductive rhythm.

Voices could be heard outside, breaking us apart. I leaned away from him, putting my hand on his chest to put distance between us. "I love you, Flynn. I always have. Tradition says you can only love one man at a time. That's not the case. I've always been in love with you, and I've definitely always lusted after you. Does that make me a bad person?"

"It makes you human." He leaned over the arm of his chair, a determined jut to his jaw. "Which leads to my one caveat to the affair."

"All right." I wasn't sure what to make of his serious tone. He had instigated the entire affair with talk of a ménage. What limitations would he impose?

"Olivia taught me that a marriage can't be based on fear of losing someone you hold dear for whatever reason." He held my stare with a resolute one of his own. "My caveat is for you and Rex to clear the air before we go any further. You evade the simplest conversations for fear of offending the other. Living as polite strangers must be taxing. Marriage is a messy business."

He hit the proverbial nail on the head, and my eyes welled with tears. "It is very taxing."

"Then end it. Tell Rex what you told me. The whole sordid truth. You used to tell each other everything."

I lifted my eyebrows, a wry smile twisting my mouth. "Not everything."

"No, apparently not everything, and secrets have a way of festering." He kissed the back of my hand and cast me a crooked smile. "Since I am most eager to resume our affair, I will be pressuring you until you speak with him. You know how relentless I can be."

"Indeed I do."

"Now that business is out of the way, would you play with me?"

"I would love to." I retrieved my violin and settled it under my chin. The instrument was part of me, and the sounds from the violin reflected my soul. The polished wood was slick under my fingertips, the oils I used to care for it a welcome scent reminding me of home.

Once Rex returned home, we would have a frank conversation. I vowed to hold nothing back. Lifting my bow, I forwent the tune of loss I'd been playing earlier and began to play a joyful melody of promise for the future. Life was like a musical piece, a series of crescendos with the melody of time's steady rhythm ebbing and flowing between them. I needed to appreciate what I had through the good times and the bad.

Most importantly, I had to appreciate myself.