Chapter 18

Lista Playlist: Balance – Lucy Spraggan

I get home and wrap myself in cosy blankets, shielding myself from the world. I cuddle Kitty Edith and accept lots of nose kisses. She really does heal my fractured soul. I open my phone and message Drew, telling him about everything that happened today with Professor Peters. I also send a picture of myself and kitty Edith. I make the decision to head onto campus tomorrow to face my fears and continue being the badass that I am, but the anxiety it brings is immense. So tonight will involve chocolate ice cream, hot chocolate ( Weird combination. I’m aware ) and some easy-going TV. You guessed it! New Girl… again . People don’t seem to understand my need for the nostalgia, routine, repetition and lack of risk of disappointment that rewatching shows or films brings me. So, suck it people! This is my life, and I can watch the same episodes twenty-five point five times all I like. Ok? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Alongside the noise of my inner dialogue comes the doorbell, followed by a man’s voice, muffled by the door and walls separating us. I can just about hear the words being said. “Lista. It’s me, Quin. If you’d like me to go, please just say, but”. I unwrap the blanket from myself, revealing just my cosy pyjamas. I walk over to my front door, opening it before he can say anymore. He continues when we’re face to face. “Lista, I understand if you don’t want me here, but I need to know that you’re safe”. I’m glad to see him. I feel a warmth come over me. He’s never seen me like... this . And yet he makes no changes to the way he addresses me.

“Quin, it’s ok. You can come in” I say softly with a gentle smile. He comes in and I close the door behind us. He walks us both over to the couch, hand on the base of my spine, ensuring I’m sat down and comfortable.

Quin then immediately speaks, almost panicking to get his point across. “Lista, I never wanted to ignore you… He fucking threatened me. He told me he’d out you as sleeping with a professor to get to where you’ve come in your career. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being hurt or degraded. I did it so he couldn’t hurt you, and yet he fucking has. I’m so sorry for letting you down. I wanted to keep you safe and all I’ve done is caused shit for you”. He steps towards me gently, leaning down and brushing his hand across the bruise on my neck.

“Are you hurt? Did he fucking hurt you?” he says as his eyes fill with tears. He looks down, clearly trying to hold back his emotions. I stand up from the sofa, towards him and place my hand against his face, feeling the slight stubble against my palm. He’s warm and slightly sweaty, as though he’s been running. I’ve never seen him like this. Cool, calm, collected Quin, is not so... cool, calm or collected. Quite the opposite. I can’t believe that Pierce has caused so much damage, not only to me, but to Quin as well. He’s the reason Quin has been distant with me. I feel anger boil within me, but I know that everything is out now, and the most important thing is that Quin is here, with me. “I’m ok Quin. Better now that you’re here”. He places his hand over mine on his face.

“I never wanted to hurt you Lista. I never meant to kiss you and then just ignore you. I swear. I didn’t see a way out. No matter what I did, it would end up hurting you, but I know how much your career in STEM means to you and I could never fuck it up for you by risking people knowing about us. I should’ve just told you about what that prick had said, but I didn’t want you to worry. So I decided to distance myself instead, like a fucking idiot. You are worth so much more than what has been done to you. As soon as Drew told me and I dealt with Pierce, I came straight here” he says, lifting his hand slightly and peering down at it. I get even closer to him. His hand is scratched and swollen.

“Quin. Just…stop” I say gently, rubbing over the sore parts of his hand. Not ignoring what most likely could have happened, but not focusing on it either. That’s so far from important right now. “We’re here. In my home, together. I’m ok. So, stop beating yourself up. The fact that you’ve come here genuinely to check on me tells me how much you care. You’ve never made me feel unsafe, the entire time I’ve known you, and you always look out for me, regardless of how you feel. Yes, it broke me when you acted like nothing happened between us, but now I know why, and I understand why you did what you did. You mean a lot to me, so thank you for being in my life” I say as I tip toe to press my lips against his briefly, steadying myself by placing my hands against his chest. I come back to stand normally, so small against his large frame. I feel like my body has turned to liquid just from the brief touch of his lips against mine. The small amount of contact seems to have grounded him. His eyes remain shut. Lingering for long seconds, taking a deep sigh of relief before lowering his raised, tense shoulders. He opens his eyes and looks straight into my own, seemingly peering into my soul. “Lista” he says as he closes the space between us, placing his hands on my waist, helping me find the perfect balance as I stand here exhausted after the last few weeks. “I know this may not be the right time, and please tell me if you need space or time, or if you just want me to leave. But from the moment I met you on New Year’s Eve, I wanted you. Everything about you pulled me to you, and when I found you again after feeling like I’d lost the chance with you forever, I felt it so much stronger. I will always be here; however you want that to look, but you need to know that I want you. All of you. And if you feel the same, I’m willing to get through whatever problems come our way, together”.

I feel my eyes become watery, and as tears flow down my face, I lean in and press my lips to his again, this time with the addition of both of my arms wrapped around his neck, meeting at the back, feeling his soft hair on my palms. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer than we’ve been before, as our tongues entwine passionately.

We each smile into the kiss, gripping each other tighter, not wanting an inch of space to be lost between us. It feels so right, and I want more of him, but he pulls back, looking at my face closely. “How do you feel Lista?” he says.

“Quin, right now I’m the most content I’ve been in a long time. Despite everything that’s happened, now that I’m in your arms, I feel safe again”.

He kisses my forehead lightly, pulling me closer to him.

“I’m…I just don’t want to do anything to you to make you feel…uncomfortable or triggered after what you’ve been through recently. So, if you there’s anything I do that would do that, you have to tell me” he says, so gently. I can’t believe I have this man in my arms again after everything. I take a deep breath in.

“Quin. Nothing you do could make me uncomfortable, because it’s you. Yes, I’ve been hurt, but when it’s you, touching me, kissing me, and holding me, I feel like everything is ok”. I melt into his chest once again because although I’ve been scarred by what Pierce did, when I’m with Quin, I feel at ease, safe and balanced. The furthest away from a trigger. More like a glimmer.

After what feels like a lifetime lost happily, buried in his chest, with his arms wrapped around me, I tip toe again, our lips meeting. I kiss the line of his jaw until I reach his ear where I needlingly whisper “I want you”.