25. Luke

Ihated seeing Xander in this penitent, miserable state. He looked like a puppy caught out in the rain. I was beginning to regret my actions a lot more now that I saw how much of a toll it had taken on him. Was I really that horrible of a person that I didn’t even think how the breakup might affect him? He had to live with those memories forever – or not live – I still didn’t quite know how to phrase a vampire’s immortal existence.

“Thank you for not slamming the door in my face,” he said.

I nodded, wishing I could tell him that I would never do something so rude, but knowing full well that a week ago I would have absolutely done that.

“I shan’t blame you if you don’t want to rekindle a friendship later on, but I want you to know that my door is always open for you,” Xander continued.

I shivered, the cold finally getting to me. “I appreciate it.” I hugged my arms around myself and thought back to how, seething with rage, he’d kicked me out. “Are you sure about that?”

He nodded. “I am sure. And, quite frankly, I doubt you’ll take me up on my offer anyway. My house is not exactly a jubilant place to be. It’s worse again now that there’s not a human there to brighten it up.”

I bit down hard on my lower lip, glancing down at the threshold. “I’ll visit someday, I promise. I’m not sure when, but I will. Just give me some time.”

“I shall wait for that fated day. In the meantime, I suppose this is goodbye, then – properly, this time.”

I met his gaze, my heart swelling in my chest and a lump forming in my throat. “Yep, this is it.”

I tried to smile, but it was entirely fake and Xander saw right through it. He was about to lean in for a kiss, but he stopped himself, instead extending his hand for me to shake it. I probably would have kissed him if he actually went for it, but now I wasn’t even sure if I should return the handshake.

I hesitated long enough for him to start pulling his hand away. It was now or never, so I grabbed his hand before he could turn and leave and gave it a good shake, holding on long after I should have let go.

Cautiously, Xander placed his other hand over mine, cupping it tenderly. If we dragged this out much longer, I was going to start crying.

“Goodbye,” he said hoarsely. “Until we meet again.”

“Yeah.”

I cleared my throat, hoping the heaviness around my neck would go away. It didn’t.

“Bye, Xander.” I smiled sadly and waved as he left my porch, disappearing into the darkness faster than I could snap my fingers.

It was over, and yet things felt even less settled than they were before. I was supposed to feel relieved now that I was single and free of a distressing relationship. All I felt now was a hollow, empty ache in my chest.

I went back inside and had a good cry on my couch, my face buried in a throw pillow. This wasn’t how breakups were supposed to go. You were supposed to be sad, but hopeful; heartbroken but ready for whatever else life had in store for you. All I felt was an end to everything good I once had and no possible future left.

I should have invited Xander in and offered him some wine or…raw meat or whatever it was that he ate besides blood. We could have talked and spent some more time together before officially ending things.

That was all I wanted – a little more time with the only man I really cared about. I wanted Xander back, and it made me feel like shit.