Chapter 31

31

I wish life were as easy as dreaming up the perfect life and then delivered to you without question. None of this trial and error, and clawing your way up the world's steepest mountain just for a moment of peace.

But that's a bit of a spoilt mindset. It wouldn't give me an appreciation for what I have worked for. I'm just sick of fighting for my life against my mind and the situation that I've entangled myself with. The guilt, the frustration, the wonder if I'm ever going to be good enough to be kept as anything other than a dirty secret.

The thing is, though, I felt so complete in his arms. It was quickly becoming my favourite place to be. The feeling of being home in a person's arms had my heart pounding with a foreign feeling that I didn't have enough energy to examine. I just felt at peace. But once he slipped out of arm's reach, the guilt would quickly poke its way back into my mind. It haunted me every day, wondering when all this sneaking around would end.

It reminded me of this game I would play as a kid at night with my friends and Nate called ‘spotlight'. We would all run around in the dark trying to find a good hiding spot — like hide- and-seek — and the seeker would try to find us with a flashlight and if it was pointed at you, you were caught.

This time, it was Liam and Nate holding the flashlight, and I was waiting for them to catch us in the spotlight.

It was tiring, but I couldn't help but fall into Reece each time I was around him. Everything fell into place as soon as my eyes locked on his.

It was like Reece had come at the exact time I needed him. When I felt like I was a discarded piece of clothing in the back of the closet, begging for someone to see me for me. When I felt like I could never truly be loved, or love anyone myself. When I felt so lost in the world, trying everything to find my footing. When I felt so weighed down by expectations to be someone I wasn't.

He came walking in, and suddenly, I wasn't alone. He entered the darkness with me with his hand holding mine, and it didn't feel so dark anymore. Stitch by stitch, we tried to patch each other's wounds with stars in our eyes.

But we continued to avoid what we were dancing around. It never occurred to us as we snuck glances across rooms, kisses in the shadows, and days spent together in secret.

I wondered if he was in this as much as I was. Was he embarrassed to show me off, or was he just a coward roaming in wolf's skin? If we weren't sneaking around, would this be something he wanted? Or was it just the forbidden aspect turning him on?

I didn't know what to call us, and my heart was screaming to confront him about it. But, I guess I was just as much of a hypocrite calling him a coward when I was scared of ruining what we had right now. I clung to the now just as much as he did, however long we had, and I didn't have any intention of stopping.

There had to be a time limit to this thing. Secrets like these are not meant to be kept secret for very long and it's almost like I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

My skin itched with the need to get out and get my mind off this. The mid-January heat brought higher humidity, making the streets seem like a ghost town. People either huddling in the safety of their air conditioned homes, or taking a trip to the beach for the day to cool off. But I would take anywhere rather than being by myself with my thoughts at the moment.

I tried both Alex and Avery to see what they were doing, but they both messaged back with apologies, in the thick of their first-day preparation for university.

I flopped back onto my bed, fingers tapping on the back of my phone as I thought of what to do, forcing my fingers not to message the one person I wanted to talk to. Because I know he would quiet my mind with just his presence, but it wouldn't put them to rest. It would probably make it worse. Maybe I was a masochist because that sounded as nice as I could get at the moment.

A knock sounded from the front door, and I frowned, checking the time and trying to figure out who would be visiting at this hour when Dad was working, and I was home alone.

I trudged down the stairs, fixing the tendrils of hair that escaped my bun behind my ear so I appeared at least half presentable. The tank top and shorts I wore were the only practical thing I could wear in this heat.

I opened the door and it was like the universe was somehow working with and against me at the same time, offering the one person I both want and shouldn't have right at my doorstep.

Reece offered me a small smile, one hand tucked behind his back and the other hand resting on the door frame as he leaned his weight against it. One foot casually crossed behind the other and it almost fooled me into thinking he was as relaxed as he seemed to look. But looking into his eyes, I could see the nervous way they roamed over every inch of my face.

"Hi," he greeted, his soft voice breaking through the mental torment I've wrapped myself in this morning, and I had to hold myself back from releasing a sigh.

"Hi," I replied.

His lip twitched before he stood straight and held a finger up. "I have something for you. Think of it as an apology and a question, I guess?"

"What's the question?"

"This first." He started and then he pulled his arm from behind his back and held a small bouquet of lilies in front of him. "This is for you. I was researching to find what the best gift to give a girl was and most of the responses said flowers. I wanted to do something nice because, well to put it simply, I just keep fucking up, and somehow, you keep forgiving me."

A blush tinted my cheeks as my eyes lined with tears, but I sniffed them away as I grabbed them from him, breathing in the scent. "Thank you, Reece."

His lips tilted as he puffed out a small breath of air, almost like relief.

He cleared his throat. "As for the question, I was wondering if you wanted to, maybe, go get ice cream? With me. On a date?" He swallowed. "I know we haven't really been on one officially, and we already know a lot about each other, but I would really like to take you if you'll let me."

My lips spread into an uncontrollable grin, and I couldn't help the giggle from escaping me watching him nervously piece together his words.

"I would love to. You came at the perfect time."

His grin matched my own then as he nodded. "Good. I'm glad."

I opened the door wider, gesturing for him to come in. "You want to wait in here? I'll just grab something to put this in and go change."

"Yeah, okay."

He followed behind as I made my way to the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboards, only finding a tall glass that could hold the flowers. I filled it with water and placed it on the bench before turning to Reece.

"I'll be back. You can grab a drink or whatever from the fridge if you want. I'll be quick."

He smirked. "Take your time. I've got all day. And I'd like to spend as much of it as I can with you."

I blushed again, before turning on my heels and making my way to my room.

As soon as I closed my door behind me, I leaned against it, closing my eyes and shaking my head at myself. I was pathetic when it came to him. Losing myself in his sweet words. But I couldn't help it. It was like he knew the exact words to weave into my soul, handcuffed to the spell he had cast.

And it was too sweet to give up.

All the twisted words from the morning washed away in his ocean riptide as I found comfort in his gleaming warmth.

I thought with this offer of a date that maybe things would change. Maybe this was the start of us veering onto the right track. In my delusions, I saw us walking hand in hand towards the sun and away from the rumbling storm.

I changed into a floral sundress with thin straps, slipped on some sandals, and detangled my hair from its mess on top of my hair, letting it fall down my back before I made my way back down to Reece. He sat at the breakfast bench in the kitchen, leaning over the top of it as he scrolled his phone. He looked up as I got to the last step, and he immediately pocketed his phone before standing and making his way to me, the left side of his lips tilting up. His palm slides over my hip, and instantly, my skin prickles under his touch, and I was leaning into him.

His eyes flick between mine before dropping down my body in a slow perusal and back up. The slow lift of his lips almost melted me to the spot, but his sturdy hand on my hip kept me upright and grounded.

"You look so beautiful in this dress," he murmured, lifting his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "In anything really, but I really like this dress."

It was like a zoo inside my stomach as I stared into his eyes and the crinkle in them, transfixed by the way he stared back at me. They softened and there was this light in them that carried nothing but sunshine and promises.

"Thank you," I breathed back, caught up in the moment.

His lips twitched like he knew exactly what he was doing to me before he pulled back and held out his hand. "You ready?"

I placed my hand in his and nodded. "Always."

We drove into the city, his hand resting on my thigh as he drove and snuck glances at me every now and then. I held his hand as I tried to pretend I didn't notice, though it didn't stop the grin from escaping on my lips.

He parked in a parking lot close to the ice cream shop, and we walked hand in hand through the streets, a lot busier than near home now that we were in the middle of the city. Even though we didn't know a single person around, I couldn't help feeling like he was showing people I was his. It was all I wanted, to feel like he wasn't scared to hold my hand, or kiss me on busy streets and let everyone know we were together. It was a start, I guess.

We entered the little ice cream shop called Polar Express Creamery and the cool air conditioning hit my skin with relief. Even in our short walk, the sun had not given up its torment.

The shop was small and cute with a few tables and booths set along the wall opposite the counter showing the many flavours of ice cream. The interior was neutral and added a calming feel to the environment.

We browsed over the flavours before ordering our ice creams and taking a seat in one of the booths. Reece chose to sit next to me rather than opposite me, his thigh pressing into mine with how close he was, and I didn't move away.

We offered each other tastes of our ice creams, almost feeding each other spoonfuls like a couple of sickly high schoolers in love with goofy grins on our faces. It was a real first-date type of vibe where everything was new and exciting.

"You know, every now and then it pops into my head that you got a matching tattoo with me, and I still can't believe you did that."

He beamed over at me. "You better believe it. It's you and me, we're attached now. Tattoos are for life, so you can't escape me."

I giggled before tilting my head from side to side. "I kind of like that idea."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Reece. I could never handle losing you, remember."

He leaned in, and I felt his lips curve into a smile as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Me either, Kody."

And it was true. After that nine months of silence, I felt like a puzzle piece I had been missing finally fit back into place when I ran into him at the airport. Things between us were different now, and I couldn't imagine that changing.

"Have you talked to your mum since that internship?" he probed.

I shook my head as I took a bite of my ice cream to draw out my time to answer. "I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. I guess it's good she's giving me the space I need. We're meant to have lunch on Thursday."

He nodded. "It sounds like it's a step in the right direction."

The side of my lip ticked up. "Yeah, it does. But I still feel like I'm waiting for the ball to drop and for her to return to the same old Mum she used to be."

"It's hard to forget all the damage that's been done. It won't disappear overnight, but don't let it hold you back from building a relationship with her."

I looked at him as I nodded. "I won't. I just don't want to be disappointed again."

He leaned forward, moving my hair off my shoulder. "Who couldn't love you?"

My heart lodged in my throat at his words, and he seemed to realise what he said at the same time as he pulled away from me. He broke the moment immediately as he cleared his throat and stood from the booth before holding a hand towards me.

"Come on. I want to take you somewhere else."

I pasted my smile back on and took his hand as he gathered our empty cups and threw them in the bin.

"Where to?"

He shot a mischievous look over his shoulder as he dragged me behind him out of the shop and down the street. The little hiccup of a moment swept aside and forgotten. "You'll see when we're there."

He tucked me under his arm as we walked and talked through the city. I didn't have a clue where we were going, but he seemed to and I felt safe in his arms. I would follow him anywhere if he held my hand along the way.

And then, he stopped in front of the largest art gallery in the city.

I could feel the curve of his lips against my ear as he stood behind me and my heart beat out of my chest.

"Want to go in?" He asked, his warm breath sending goosebumps down my whole body.

The widest smile I'd ever worn spread across my face as I turned to him. "I do."

He stayed behind me as I wandered throughout the gallery, admiring the artwork on the walls and feeling my heart call to them. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time which made my heart beat faster in my chest. But I couldn't tear my eyes from the walls.

When we came to a room full of photography, I felt longing. With stars in my eyes, I dreamed up the fantasy of having my photographs on these walls and having people admire them as I did with the ones in this room.

"You know, I've always been so lost and frightened of how my life would end up like. I had nothing going for me. I had nothing I enjoyed. I had no dreams or goals to exceed. But then my brother handed me a camera before that trip to Airlie Beach, and I feel like if that didn't happen, I would still be wandering around helplessly. Because now, I'm dreaming of my own art on these walls as if I would be good enough to have them hung in galleries like this. Isn't that crazy?"

I didn't look at Reece as I talked. I just looked at the canvas in front of me, depicting a woman's face submerged in water, the rippling reflection and dark lighting captivating me in ways that I saw myself in it.

His footsteps echoed as he made his way to me, standing to my left as he took in the same canvas. His fingers laced with mine and it was instantly grounding.

"I don't think that's crazy. I think you can do anything you put your mind to. I think any gallery in the world would be lucky to hold your art on their walls. Dreaming is how we get to what we want. So, I don't think anything you dream of will ever be ridiculous or unrealistic. I think you need to take those dreams and chase after them if that's what makes you happy. Because you do deserve to be happy, Kody."

I turned to him then, eyes lining with tears as I took in the sincerity in his eyes. Then I stepped closer to him, winding my arms around his neck before pressing my lips to his. His arms immediately wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest.

The emotions welling in my chest were foreign and I couldn't pinpoint a single one. It was as overwhelming as the kiss. The way he held me like he was afraid to let go. The way his lips breathed life into me. The way he deepened the kiss and drew me into his fire. The way I could feel his heart beating in tandem with mine.

I pulled away, his forehead dropping onto mine as we were absorbed in each other's bubble.

But it was when I opened my eyes that it all caught in my throat like someone had tried to yank it out of my stomach, and I was confronted with the meaning of those whirling feelings. A four-letter word that has stopped me from building anything real. And I was ready to risk it all when three words I had avoided with anyone but my dad sat at the bottom of my throat.

I watched a soft crease form in the middle of his brows as his eyes bounced between my own, his own internal fight shining through. There was an awkward pause between us and I didn't know what to do about it. I stood there, my gut twisting as I tried to swallow down the loud thoughts.

He stepped back, creating a gap between us, although it felt as if miles had been wedged between us.

He cleared his throat. "We better head back home. My dad is expecting me."

It felt as though a knife had been dug into my chest, but I was happy for the escape because I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away and into the safety that I knew.

In the back of my mind, I knew this wasn't normal but I could hear nothing but the noise in my head. My once relief from it, wiped away as my biggest fear smacked me right in the face.

It was a quiet drive home, and I sat there fiddling with my fingers, not knowing what else to do.

When he dropped me home, he promised to call me later.

But I waited all night to hear from him. A text, a call. Something.

But nothing came.

And I half expected it. Half yearned to be wrong.

I was realising that this thing between us was quickly becoming more than either of us expected.